Help please in how to address a sister who is habitually backbiting

[Asiya-sparkles]

Asalam alaikom wa Rachman tullah wa burraktohu

I have encountered a sister in the last few months who initially appeared to be so very pious and knowledge ma'shAllah and alhamdulillah was very inspiring to be around and especially so for a vulnerable sister who I had been concerned for for a long time- she is a treasure! Now however, increasingly the new 'pious' sister is risking her good reputation and our desire to be with her because she frequently becomes angry and resorts to backbiting sisters (and some brothers too) and when is reminded about the sin of backbiting or to address her issues with the actual person she is complaining about she becomes more angry and wont listen. She is the first person to enjoin right upon others alhamdulillah, she also has many many good qualities and is a busy and active person who genuinely believes that she only has good intentions and that her actions or words are always justified. It is increasingly difficult to be around her and though we have been 'overlooking' many hurtful things she has said and making excuses, we realise the compassion and tolerance and patience is one way...she is demonstrating none for other people. Her life is alhamdulillah by the rule book literally, yet, elements such as compassion and being gentle in speach etceteras seem to be attributes she excuses herself from!

If anyone knows how to address and resolve this kind of problem and somehow encourage good relations- letting the actual relationship benefit as well as the sisters conduct and our enviornment inshAllah I would be sooooooo grateful.

Jazak alak ghairun
Asiya

 

[massi]

:salam2:

i hope it's helpful
How can one avoid getting angry quickly?

Question:
I am a person who gets angry quickly, and I cannot control myself when I argue with anyone, even my parents. Please tell me of ways and means of avoiding getting angry quickly. May Allaah reward you with good.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

Allaah has commanded us to honour our parents and treat them kindly in word and deed, and he has forbidden us to offend them in word and deed, even in the slightest manner.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

24. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.’”

[al-Isra’ 17:23-24]

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised us not to get angry, i.e., to avoid the causes that lead to that and to be careful of what may result from that.

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Advise me.” He said: “Do not get angry.” He repeated his question several times and he said: “Do not get angry.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5765.

The Muslim should be above getting angry for his own sake or for the sake of anyone other than Allaah, because that may lead to regrettable consequences either in this world or in the Hereafter, or in both.

Ibn Muflih al-Hanbali said:

‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: It may be known whether a person is really patient at the time of anger. And he used to say that the beginning of anger is madness and the end of it is regret, and anger cannot be justified by offering a humble apology. Calamities may come because of anger. It was said to al-Shu’bi: Why is a person who is quick to get angry also quick to calm down, and the one who is slow to get angry is slow to clam down. He said: Because anger is like fire; that which is easier to start is easier to extinguish.

Al-Adaab al-Shar’iyyah, 1/183

If something happens to a Muslim that makes him angry, he should remember the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Do not get angry,” as if the hadeeth applies directly to him. And he should remember that Allaah has commanded him to treat his parents well and has forbidden him to offend them, as if he has heard that from Him directly.

There are means of soothing anger if it arises, which will enable the one who does them to cure himself of anger and its effects. Al-Maawirdi mentioned a good number of them when he said:

“Remember that there are means of soothing anger if it arises, which a person may use to help himself become patient. These include:

1 – Remembering Allaah, which should make him fear Him; this fear will motivate him to obey Him, so he will resume his good manners, at which point his anger will fade.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And remember your Lord when you forget”

[al-Kahf 18:24]
‘Ikrimah said: i.e., when you get angry. And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And if an evil whisper comes to you from Shaytaan (Satan), then seek refuge with Allaah”

[al-A’raaf 7:200]

i.e., if the Shaytaan makes you angry – then seek refuge with Allaah, for He is the All-Hearer, All-Knower – i.e., He hears the ignorance of the ignorant and He knows the things that take anger away from you.

One of the wise men said: Whoever remembers the power of Allaah will not use his own power to wrong the slaves of Allaah. ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Muslim ibn Muhaarib said to Haroon al-Rasheed: “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, I ask You by the One before Whom you are more insignificant than I am before you, and by the One Who has more power to punish you than you have to punish me: why don’t you let me off?” So he left him off, because he had reminded him of the power and might of Allaah.

2 – He should get out of the situation he is in, so that his anger will dissipate because of his moving away from that situation.

It was narrated that Abu Dharr said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to us: “If one of you gets angry when he is standing, let him sit down, and if that does not take away his anger, then let him lie down.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 4782; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

3 – He should remember what anger leads to of regret and the need to apologize.

One of the literary figures said: Beware of the pride of anger, for it leads to the humiliation of apology.

4 – He should remember the reward for forgiving others and of being tolerant, so he should force himself to overcome his anger, seeking that reward and so as to avoid deserving blame and punishment. Raja’ ibn Haywah said to ‘Abd al-Malik ibn Marwaan, when he had the power to capture some of his enemies: “Allaah has given you the victory that you wanted, so give Allaah what He wants of forgiveness.” A man said something that ‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-‘Azeez disliked to hear, so ‘Umar said: “You wanted the Shaytaan to provoke me because of my position so that I would be harsh with you and in return you would harm me tomorrow (i.e., on the Day of Resurrection). Go away, may Allaah have mercy on you.”

5 – He should remind himself of the way that people like and respect him, and he should not risk losing that because of his anger, so that people change their minds about him. He should know that by forgiving people he will only increase the respect with which they view him.

As the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah will not increase a person who forgives others except in honour.” Narrated by Muslim, 2588.

And one of the poets said:

“It is not a trait of nobility to be swift in seeking revenge.

And generosity does not lead to a loss of blessings.”

Adab al-Dunya wa’l-Deen, p. 258-260.

For more details on how to deal with anger, see the answer to question no. 658.

And Allaah is the Source of strength.

Islam Q&A

 

[Asiya-sparkles]

Jazak alak ghairun, InshAllah this will be so very helpful. Perhaps treating this as an opportunity of reminders of hadith and Quran knowledge would be a wonderful and gentle way forward inshAllah.

Very helpful and so appreciated.

Jazak alak ghairun barak Allah feekom

Asiya.

 

[dawahforever]

Asalaamu Alaikum

The first thing I would like to ask is is it really backbiting or has this woman been oppressed? I ask this because I have been bullied in the community and have spoken up about it. Some might think that is backbiting but oppression is forbidden in Islam and speaking up about it is for the sake of Allah as we are commanded to end oppression. But since most muslims don't want to get involved and stand up against oppression then they label the victim a backbiter. Please check if this is the problem or not.

Wa Salaamu Alaikum
D4E

 

[Asiya-sparkles]

Salam alaikom wa Rachman t'ullah

Dear sister I am very sorry that you experienced the bullying and oppression and have experienced and seen this too- in this case it is perfectly acceptable, no enjoined upon us to end the oppression (we are then helping both the oppressed and the oppressor inshAllah), but Alhamdulillah, our community has been generally free from this... there have been times where people failings arise, but Alhamdulillah nothing has gone unaddressed as far as I'm aware. What I do like about our community is the warmth and support that is evident and Alhamdulillah this sister in no exception- I am so pleased I came here yesterday Allah guides us through many ways, and my sister who was experiencing the anger and outbursts has just called me and thanked me and asked me to just gently say shush if she falls into this!

Sometimes we have to remember that shaytan sets traps for us and that we do need to remind each other and enjoin right and forbid wrong, it isn't about being closed it is about caring enough about ourselves and each other to care about hearing things that are wrong and stop it from causing harm both here and in the hereafter!

I really do hope that your situation was ended in a positive way and left relationships improved and strengthened, I hate that anyone dominates and hurts others and I can sense the hurt and harm it caused you has had a profound effect which makes you protective of others, Alhamdulillah Allah brings skills to us and things like empathy and a sense of justice from such afflictions.

I hope that you know that this was tremendous tests for you and those oppressors and I hope that for all of you a positive outcome was reached. May Allah bless and keep you sister, and thankyou for seeing this as a much bigger picture with more possibilities of cause! Jazak alak ghairun

Asiya x

 

[dawahforever]

Asalaamu Alaikum

Thank you for your kind words and for acknowledging that this does happen. Nothing has been cleared up in my community. I have never recieved an apology. The sad thing is the ones who are oppressing are the very people who run the mosque. I guess these really are the end times. I am happy that that woman is not going through what I was going through though and that she wants to change.

Wa Salaamu Alaikum
D4E