How to stop hurting

Precious Star

Junior Member
I thought I was doing ok but the reality is I'm hurting again and don't know how to make it stop.
Any suggestions? Yes, I make dua. Constantly.

I went to a baby shower this weekend. It was a really beautiful celebration, and there were about 30 girls/women there. Mostly women younger than me (20s and 30s; i'm in my early 40s), and some "aunties". Almost all the guests were muslim (primarily Pakistani), although there were a few non-muslim colleagues of the mother-to-be who were also in attendance.

I was watching them all, and most of them had children of their own and/or were pregnant themselves, and the mother-to=be was GLOWING along with the prospective grandmothers. And everyone was giving her advice, and sharing their own stories.

And I just realized that that world - of embarking on a family life, of embracing a husband and children, of entering a new chapter in life filled with love and harmony and rejoicing -- was never mine, and now that I am older it likely never will be. When I was in my 20s and 30s I never really had much prospects so I didn't have the luxury of hoping for a family life. I just worked and took care of my parents.

It made me sad (again; I thought I had worked through these issues!). I felt sad that this type of life was never within my grasp. But deep down I feel that it was perfectly normal for me to wish for it, after all Allah SWT made us to want families of our own, He did not want us to live our lives alone and without love. What woman does not want to hold and cuddle a little baby of her own? What woman does not want to sometimes stay at home rather than run out in the cold every morning to a job where she gets no respect? What woman wouldn't want to take care of someone who loves her? These are all natural yearnings, but I had to suppress them because I was muslim and had no way of meeting a muslim man; but I look at all these young women this weekend and they were so happy to be at that stage of their lives where their family lives were blossoming! I saw so many husbands drop off their wives and bring in the little baby carriage, and it was so sweet and nice. And I was chatting with a beautiful girl who had such a sweet daughter and she was feeding her; I was chatting with the little girl too and asking her about her brother and her teachers and her friends. It was so sweet and I wish so much taht I had that in my life! But this morning...back to work! And my house feels so cold and lonely.

I wish I could ask Allah why this was not for me, why it was never even brought close to me , but I know that would be wrong. It is just destiny, I know that, but sometimes we have to create our own destiny and pray that Allah helps us in our endeavours. My parents never believed that, they always felt that someone would come knocking and I was so scared of them I just did whatever they wanted. But somewhere deep in my heart, I feel cheated a little bit.....

Of course, I am happy for these other girls and I don't begrudge their joy, not at all. But I came away from it all feeling hurt inside.
 

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
Assalamu alaykum

aww sister *hug*

May Allah bless you with a family of your own----you're in my duas!
There is always a good reason for everything, maybe Allah will answer your duas in a way that you never imagines, hold on and keep on asking of him. It's completely ok to feel what you're feeling and to want to have a family of your own----so, just keep praying!! I am sure all TTI members will make dua for you as well.

I wish I could give you more comforting words----but here is a suggestion: Why not start searching for a spouse? No prince charming will just knock on the door, you will have to give the word out, tell your married friends that you're interested in marriage....they could tell their husbands and those brothers can match you up with a brother who is also looking. You could let your parents know and they could help you find someone.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Assalamu alaykum

aww sister *hug*

May Allah bless you with a family of your own----you're in my duas!
There is always a good reason for everything, maybe Allah will answer your duas in a way that you never imagines, hold on and keep on asking of him. It's completely ok to feel what you're feeling and to want to have a family of your own----so, just keep praying!! I am sure all TTI members will make dua for you as well.

I wish I could give you more comforting words----but here is a suggestion: Why not start searching for a spouse? No prince charming will just knock on the door, you will have to give the word out, tell your married friends that you're interested in marriage....they could tell their husbands and those brothers can match you up with a brother who is also looking. You could let your parents know and they could help you find someone.

thank you sweet sister, but I don't live in a muslim country or even in an area where there is a network of unmarried 40-something muslims. My time is long passed. I've asked my parents but they are old and most of the time they are dealing with one health problem after another. Like I said, this type of reality was never alive in my family, my parents never talked about it, my brothers never talked about it (even though they themselves are married), no one ever said "Insha'Allah you will be married and have a family too" - that was never part of my reality.

I think at this stage it is far more useful and beneficial to "make peace" otherwise I will constantly be re-living the hurt. And, unfortunately, that's what happened this weekend when I attended the baby shower!!! I can't stay closed up in my home alone, so it is important to attend social functions like this, but still, I didn't think it would hit me this hard. After all, I attend baby showers in my office all the time, for my married colleagues, and I try not to let myself feel bad that I am so different from them.
 

Hajjerr

He is Dhul-Jalali Wal-Ikram
salam aleikum

dear sister, i feel for you, what can i say more then Allah is the best of Planners and He knows our destiny...

i pray that you will find what you look for sooner or later, this life is a test but after we die we will have the feeling we lived in this life only for some hours,,,this makes me think alot at how we spend our life here, in the persue of so many things...Allah knows

have you considered adopting a little baby dear sister ? a little boy or girl, inchallah...:)

:tti_sister:

:salam2:
 

strive-may-i

Junior Member
salam aleikum

dear sister, i feel for you, what can i say more then Allah is the best of Planners and He knows our destiny...

i pray that you will find what you look for sooner or later, this life is a test but after we die we will have the feeling we lived in this life only for some hours,,,this makes me think alot at how we spend our life here, in the persue of so many things...Allah knows

have you considered adopting a little baby dear sister ? a little boy or girl, inchallah...:)

:tti_sister:

:salam2:
:wasalam:

Thats an excellent suggestion!! *but not for all*

And Sister Precious Star, when you are with kids, just enjoy their presence like a kid, take back the happiness, and not the emptiness... I believe its easily said than done, but worth a try.

Never loose hope, there always are ways. May Allah continue to strengthen you, and fill you with contentment... Ameen
 

Abdul25

Logical Believer
Dear sister,

your post made me cry really. it was so painful reading your post. i know how it feels. i can only pray for you sister. may allah make it easy for you and bring joy in your life. i felt extremely sad after reading your post.
 

al-fajr

...ism..schism
Staff member
Assalamu'alaykum,

Sister I'm going to encourage you to look at the positive things in your life above everything you've typed.

You are a Muslimah and have been blessed with the most precious gift of Imaan which many people have not been given, they could have every other joy but do not have the one you have.

If something wasn't decreed for you, whatever it may be (for everyone, its something from what they wanted, subhanAllaah), then simply put, it was not khayr for you, i.e. there was no good for you in it, and you don't know what fitna Allaah prevented from reaching you through stopping that one thing coming your way.

On the one hand we have this life full of twists and turns and complex issues and situations that are painful, on the other hand, there is Jannah and eternal bliss inshaAllaah, have patience with your trials and you will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams, so have patience.

Allaahu'alam. I hope my words don't have any impact I don't intend; barakAllaahu feeki.

O my soul! It is not, except a few days of patience; As if the extent were but a few dreams. O my soul! Pass quickly on through this world; And leave it, for indeed life lies ahead of it!
[Imaam ash-Shaafi'ee; d.204H]

“O feet of patience, keep going, for what remains is only a little. Remember the sweetness of worship, then the bitterness of striving will become easier for you.” (Ibn al-Qayyim : al-Fawaa’id)

x 2

PS: Always seek out people who are in a lot worse problems than yours and help them as much as you can, really, this will help you with your trial and also gain hasanat.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Asslaam walaikum,

Sister,

My closest sister in faith has four stage cancer. She barely has food to eat; she has leaks on her roof. Her utilities are often cut. She has no transportation in an area where there is limited public transportation.

Each day we talk on the phone. We must talk three times a day. Each moment we rejoice in what we do have. I tell her about my sunshine, rainbows and lollipops. We laugh so much we cry.

We make dua that Allah subhana wa taala grant us the opportunity to go to hajj together. We discuss faith.

She is the first to help others.

So I am sending you sunshine, rainbows and lollipops. There is no need to be hurting. You are so young and beautiful and brilliant. You have so much good in you.

Enjoy the blessings that Allah sends you everyday. InshaAllah, your dreams will come true. I keep you close to my heart.
 

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
thank you sweet sister, but I don't live in a muslim country or even in an area where there is a network of unmarried 40-something muslims. My time is long passed. I've asked my parents but they are old and most of the time they are dealing with one health problem after another. Like I said, this type of reality was never alive in my family, my parents never talked about it, my brothers never talked about it (even though they themselves are married), no one ever said "Insha'Allah you will be married and have a family too" - that was never part of my reality.

I think at this stage it is far more useful and beneficial to "make peace" otherwise I will constantly be re-living the hurt. And, unfortunately, that's what happened this weekend when I attended the baby shower!!! I can't stay closed up in my home alone, so it is important to attend social functions like this, but still, I didn't think it would hit me this hard. After all, I attend baby showers in my office all the time, for my married colleagues, and I try not to let myself feel bad that I am so different from them.

Sister you do not have to limit yourself to your area----there are successful Muslim matrimonial sites like "half of my Deen" and the likes. You can sign up and inshallah begin your journey there. There is always hope for us---lets not give it up. Like the rest of the members said, look at those less fortunate than you're and wallah you will not hurt anymore. Allah's blessings are many, starting counting each and you'll never finish! :)

May Allah bless you with that which is good in this Dunya and Akhira. It might have not been your reality in the past but who are we to say it will not be in the future?? Do not give up on Allah---He will surprise you!!! Just remember that sister, remember that!
 

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
"My closest sister in faith has four stage cancer. She barely has food to eat; she has leaks on her roof. Her utilities are often cut. She has no transportation in an area where there is limited public transportation."

May Allah have mercy on her and elevate her status in this world and the hereafter! This has touched my heart.....subhana'Allah, when I read this I remember how small my problems are and how big of a deal I make them of! Ya'Allah forgive me!
 

lostlilly07

striving 4 Firadous
Wa alaikum salaam,

You may not be able to have children of your own but you can still be a mother to a child. Please don't give up sister! Especially on marriage, I know women out number men but there are still plenty of single men who are looking for wives..
 

Cr1xus

New Member
You could try online Muslim marriage sites ? I don't know if they work, but it won't hurt to give it a try.
 

a_stranger

Junior Member
:salam2:
Dear sister , very nice job you are doing : taking care of your parents may Allah reward you. But ,dear I know many sisters who married for the first time in your age and had children. They made very nice families.......why not you? Insha Allah .....if you have close mulsem friends they can help you. I think many muslem men are seeking a wife like you . I pray that Allah subhanahu wa taaala grather with a muslem man to worship him sincerily together. AAmen.

But please don't think that marriage and motherhood is perfect happiness now you are enjoying many benefits when you marry ......you will loose them.
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
:salam2:

Dear sister, I feel so very sad reading your post. But never ever give up hope - someday, someday this test will surely end, and Allah will reward you immensely for your patience and the hardships you go through.

I actually have a relative who is in your exact situation - she's probably in her 40s and still single. But she is so full of life - she visits relatives regularly, goes to other cities to visit her brother and sisters, busies herself in their lives, looks after their children, studies and learns and occupies her time and still says to us to have patience on our problems and that Allah never leaves anyone sad and will always give a reward for patience. I also have another relative who was married at age 50! Sister, never give up hope. Remember one of the signs of Allah is that He has created mates for us so that we may live in peace and tranquility with them.
 

kashif_nazeer

~~~Alhamdulillah~~~
:salam2:

Sister,I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I cannot imagine how it feels.I will pray for you inshaAllah.

Sister,this world hurts us when we look at it,but when we are concsious of it's reality,the hurtings cease.In fact the very cure for every kind of sufferring is concsiousness and acknowledgement of reality.
As sisters above has said
1)Acceptance of qadar plays a part in soothing the pain.That is to say, whatever befalls him could not have missed him, and whatever misses him could not have befallen him. Everything is subject to the will and decree of Allaah, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Verily, We have created all things with Qadar (Divine Preordainments of all things before their creation as written in the Book of Decrees Al Lawh Al Mahfooz). [al-Qamar 54:49]

2) Acceptance and acknowledgement of the reality of this life.
This can also help in soothing the pain,when one is concsious of the reality of what one is living,we are reminded of the reality of this life in the Qur'an in the interpretation of meaning:
Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children - like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.[57:20]

There are many such places in the Qur'an where we are reminded about this life's reality.

3)Having hope:Hope is a thing that is good and placing trust in Allah always brings peace and Allah loves those who place their trust in Him.

And Allah made it not except as [a sign of] good tidings for you and to reassure your hearts thereby. And victory is not except from Allah , the Exalted in Might, the Wise -[3:126]

May Allah ease your pain and replace your hardship with ease.Ameen.




:wasalam:
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Thank you all for your comments.

The online matrimonial business is not helpful for someone my age but yes I've been online on various sites for many years now. For the most part they cater to people under age 35 as well as recent immigrants. Also they are a financial drain. I can't keep paying anymore and my parents refuse to pay for it too.

Yes I agree that eventually we all die and move on to another world. Thanks for reminding me, although God has created us with the desire for a life partner and children. So I'm not going to start praying for my early death. Muslims should make "family" a priority for muslim women. My parents did not. My community did not. Yes internet technology has opened the door to the online matrimonial business but that is NoT the way muslim women go about finding a nice Husband. I mean I received am email from a 20 year old with a picture of him dancing in a club! If my parents did their job right I wouldn't have to negotiate through such garbage.

Anyway I'm angry today but not hurting as much. I have no desire to live my life alone. I will not let my family win.
 

Mairo

Maryama
Salaam sister,

The key is to have patience and do everything you can to stay positive about your life, striving to be among the pious. We are all human and it is normal to feel sadness and dissatisfaction from time to time, and no one is immune from experiencing loss. But try your best not to allow yourself to dwell too much in sadness and despair. Keep active in doing more good deeds. Remember that we all have our own destinies to fulfill and struggles to overcome - all of our paths are different and unique and it is not good to compare with others. If one is feeling discouraged we are told to look to those who have even less for encouragement and to keep from becoming ungrateful.

It is very important that you become stronger in your own personality and sense of identity. When you become more confident in yourself, better realizing your own gifts that you have been blessed with to share in the world, you will become a magnet for the person who would become your spouse.

Do not consider your age to be like a death sentence or that it definitely means you will never become married. I think that kind of conclusion is probably more of your culture talking than anything in reality. You can see examples of older women getting married, from earlier examples such as Khadijah who married the prophet when she was in her 40's, and also people that you may know yourself. I personally know several people who did not find love until their 40's and even later than that. I have a good friend who recently got married, and she is in her 60's. You may need to branch out more, outside of the culture you were raised in, to meet your potential mate. It is true that not everyone is destined for marriage in this life. It may be possible that the true marriage and offspring is reserved for the next life. But please be sure not to shut yourself off to the possibilities that may await you now.

Also, I think it's a good idea if you open your heart and your mind to other ways to enhance your life and create joy and satisfaction for yourself. I hope you will seriously consider adoption as an option as it is truly a great blessing. And please take the time to consider more and more ways to do good with your life. As the actions of doing good are increased and true piety is attained one finds that they are truly on the path to salvation. One experiences more joy and the feeling of despair is greatly diminished.

Increase in listening to and reading the Quran. "Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest". (13:28) It is truly a cure and a solace for our souls. It is a great reminder that this life's world is transient and we are better served by considering the life of the hereafter and how we can make it there.

Best wishes to you and I will keep you in my dua. I hope your spirits and outlook on life will improve.
 

helpinghumanity

Junior Member
Assalamo alaikum sister,

Alhamdolilah other have given some excellent suggestions. All I can say is that have patience, seek help through Salah and Keep on making duaa...


Besides that, being brothers and sisters in Islam, it is also our duty to help our sister. Those of you who can help the sister should step forward and offer assistance. (Moderators this line is inappropriate feel free to remove it..). Who knows Allah will expedite your sins just because of this and you get to enter Jannah.

Among the evidence that du'aa' may have the benefit of eliminating problematic characteristics is the hadeeth of Umm Salamah (may Allaah be pleased with her), who said: "Abu Salamah came to me one day after being with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: 'I heard from the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) something that made me very happy. He said, "There is no calamity that befalls one of the Muslims and he responds by saying 'Innaa Lillaahi wa innaa ilahi raaji'oon (Truly, to Allaah we belong, and truly, to Him we shall return),' then he says, 'Allaahumma ujurni fi museebati w'ukhluf li khayran minha (O Allaah, reward me in this calamity and compensate me with something better than it),' but Allaah will do that for him."'" Umm Salamah said: "I learnt this from him, and when Abu Salamah died, I said, 'Innaa Lillaahi wa innaa ilahi raaji'oon,' then , 'Allaahumma ujurni fi museebati w'ukhluf li khayran minha,' Then I thought to myself, Where could I find anyone better than Abu Salamah? When my 'iddah (waiting-period) was over, the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked permission to see me, whilst I was busy dyeing a hide. I washed the qaraz (a kind of dye derived from a certain plant) from my hands and granted him permission, putting out for him a leather cushion stuffed with palm fibres. He sat down on it, and asked for my hand in marriage. When he had finished what he had to say, I said: 'O Messenger of Allaah, I do not want you to lose interest in me, but I am a very jealous woman, and I am afraid that you may see in me something that could earn me the punishment of Allaah. I am also a woman who is ageing, and I have children.' He said, 'As for the jealousy you mentioned, Allaah will take this away from you (according to another report: as for you saying that you are a jealous woman, I will pray to Allaah to take away your jealousy). As for what you say about age, the same applies to me as to you. As for your children, your children are my children.' So I accepted his offer and the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) married me. Allaah gave me someone even better than Abu Salamah, namely the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)."

These two reports are in the Musnad of Imaam Ahmad. The hadeeth was also reported by Muslim from Umm Salamah, who said: "The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: 'There is no Muslim who suffers a calamity and says what Allaah has commanded: "Innaa Lillaahi wa innaa ilayhi raji'oon, Allaahumma ujurni fi museebati w'ukhluf li khayran minha," but Allaah will compensate him with something better.' When Abu Salamah died, I said, 'Who among the Muslims could be better than Abu Salamah, the first household to migrate to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)?' Then I said [this du'aa'] and Allaah compensated me with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). He sent Haatib ibn Abi Balta'ah on his behalf to ask for my hand in marriage, but I said, 'I have a daughter, and I am a jealous woman.' He said, 'As for your daughter, we will pray to Allaah to make her independent, and I will pray to Allaah to take away your jealousy.'" (Reported by Muslim, 1525
 
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