In a horrible mess

Julie1134

Junior Member
As'salamu alaikum,

I am a convert to Islam. I am married for 7 years with 2 children. We moved into my mother in laws home in July in order to help her keep bills paid. My mother in law moved another lady in here as well. The problem is the lady has brought in different men at times. They also drink alcohol in the home (party). :girl3: My husband does not drink alcohol.

I am worried for the sake of my children growing up in this environment. I want to rent our own place (we are able to do so financially.) My husband feels torn from staying to help his mother and moving for the sake of his family. I can understand why he is torn but as a wife don't I have a right to a halal home and my own privacy? I feel like I will have to end my marriage for the sake of pleasing Allah and giving my children an Islamic home. I have no one in my community to seek advice from so I hope I can get some advice from my Muslim brothers and sisters.
:tti_sister:
 

kayleigh

Junior Member
If you own the home and are paying the bills, there's no reason why you can't put your foot down and tell your MIL's friend that if she keeps drinking and bringing strange men into the house, then she'll find herself out on the street pretty fast. You're right - it is a matter of safety for you and your children to have strange men hanging around.

Does your MIL support her behavior? You could try sitting down with her and giving her the ultimatum - either the woman changes, or leaves, or you leave. If your MIL can't keep her home without your help then hopefully she's smart enough to realize that she's got to get rid of this woman.
 

Julie1134

Junior Member
Salam,

It is my mother in laws home and she does the parties as well. We can't make that lady move and we have talked to them about the situation with no solution to the problem. As a Muslim woman do I have the right to divorce if we are not taken from this problem? Thanks
 

MutlekM

Junior Member
Salam,

It is my mother in laws home and she does the parties as well. We can't make that lady move and we have talked to them about the situation with no solution to the problem. As a Muslim woman do I have the right to divorce if we are not taken from this problem? Thanks
:salam2:
Isnt your husband muslim??? And is your mother in law muslim ???
:wasalam:
 

kayleigh

Junior Member
Is your husband Muslim? and does he know you're seriously considering a divorce if things don't change?
 

Julie1134

Junior Member
Yes he is a very new Muslim....and yes I have talked to him about this. I do not want a divorce from him but I must please Allah first. It is a hard situation. :girl3:
 

rightpath_357

Junior Member
Sis- can't you move to a different house that is nearby:confused:
It'll be best to do that- since you will be away from that house, but close enough so you can help you mother-in-law. Your husband must be worried as well- ask your MIL together if she wants her YOUNG & INNOCENT grandchildren to grow up drinking at an early age( i know u'd NEVER want them to drink- but "early" will have more effect on her) and it's dangerous and loud for your kids. Also talk to the woman and your MIL together with your husband.

I know how you feel sis- it's not fair, because your kids should have he right to go through the house, but it won't be safe for them.

May Allah help you and keep you happy.Ameen

:hearts: :hearts: :hearts:
 

Julie1134

Junior Member
Salam, yes we could move but my MIL tells my husband if we move she will lose her home to the bank. I don't want to stress my husband I just want my children safe and growing to please Allah swt. Please make dua for our family it is much needed. :SMILY23:
 

palestine

Servant of Allah
Ukhti, inshAllah we'll make dua for you. in the meantime, make dua as well and pray istikhara. usually when making istikhara, i pray two units of prayer and make dua. take care
wasalamu alaikum.
 

Janaan

ربنا اغفر لنا ذنوبنا
Staff member
:SMILY139:As-salamu Alaikum sister-

Subhanallah.,.this is ununpleasant news:girl3:
But From a reading of the Quran we learn that Allah SWT does not favour divorces and in fact encourages the continuation of marriage sis. I can see that it's difficult- you don't wanna stress your husband but you also want to please Allah- but don't put the thought of divorce into your head yet.
Be Patient dear sis. Like the brothers and sisters said, make Du'aa.,.
Make Du'aa that Allah helps your MIL, that He protects your children and that He keeps your marriage strong instead.

I'll certainly include you in my Du'a ukhty- May Allah bles you and your family insha'allah, insha'allah, insha'allah:hearts:
 

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
Assalaamu alaikum warahmatuAllaah wabarakatuh dear sister.

I dont know what to say or where to begin:(

all I can tell you is be patient and dont rush to a divorce your husband probably needs you NOW more than ever since he is a NEW Muslim. Pray together, tell him and let him know how you feel about all this, maybe you could move to another place with your kids and help your mother in law? is that even possible?
I dont know.....i certainly am NOT good at advicing people, but I ask Allaah subhanahu wata'alaa to ease everything for you and your family. ameen
Remember Allaah does NOT burden a soul more than it can bear....and that He subhanahu wata'alaa only tests those He loves, so say AlhamduliAllaah that He subhanahu wata'ala is testing you and that through this you have the opportunity to get alot more closer to Allaah ta'ala! through patience and preseverance!
subhanaAllaah!!

take care dear sister,
wasalamu alaikum warahmatuAllaah wabarakatuh
 

Abdullah77

Junior Member
Divorce is not the solution.

Sister:salam2:

Once I heard or read that divorce is the halal thing least liked by Allah SWT.

In my openion devorce is not the solution. As a muslim women if you divorce your husband, you shall not be able re-marry your present husdand untill you are married to other man(hope I have said things correctly, if not some brother or sister might want to correctit). Your chieldren will grow up away from their biological father.

Pray to Allah and have patience and thinghs will turn towards good InshaAllah.
We will also pray for you InshaAllah.
 

hassan_ganari

New Member
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatulLahi wa barakatuhu,

" Get out with your family from that house as soon as possible " is the advice I can give you because muslims should never stay in a place where there is fitnah (something that could trouble your religion).

Make deep thinking on options you can give to your husband (don't consider divorce into the options, that thing should come when you got no options).

You should make your husband understand and realize the danger of this situation and that pleasing Allah comes before pleasing him or his mother. There is no way for you and your kids to stay in a place where haram is done each day.

If I understand, his mother needs you to stay with her to support her and you don't need to stay with her to live as family, in that case shouldn't she accept your conditions. How come you aid her financially and instead of a thank you, you got your religion, safety, marriage and the whole family at risk !

For Allah's sake, for your sake and your kids, your husband must get you out to another house no matter what. He must help his mother, ok but not at the price of his religion.

This is a test from ALLAH subhanahu wa taala, because you are muslim and muslimah you are tested and it is a very hard test. I think you should be happy because Allah will test those who are getting closer to him, and the closer you are and the stronger your belief (iman) is, the harder the test.
Be sure that Allah will never let you down and that the reward is beyond your imagination, you choose HIS path, what do you expect from HIM then ? HE WHO is the most fair and merciful. If you obey and please HIM, everyone around you, muslims or not, everything around you, the environment, the animals, the nature and the whole world will please you and be at your hands, didn't you know that ALLAH created us for HIM and created everything in this world for us ?

May ALLAH help you pass this situation, InshaALLAH without divorce.

Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatulLahi wa barakatuhu.
 

MutlekM

Junior Member
:salam2:
Well if your husbands a muslim eventhough he is an early muslim and he is the man of the house than can't he stop the parties or atleast the drinking.
Peace I will keep you in my dua.
 

Mabsoot

Amir
Staff member
:SMILY139:As-salamu Alaikum sister-

Subhanallah.,.this is ununpleasant news:girl3:
But From a reading of the Quran we learn that Allah SWT does not favour divorces and in fact encourages the continuation of marriage sis.

Actually, in Islam, Divorce is something Good, if it means that a person becomes closer to Allah subhana wa ta'ala, if it means a person is going to be away from evil.

Islamically, it is forbidden to be living in such a place, where people drink alcohol or commit fornication etc. So, definitely you must move out. Your Islam must come before anything else, even your husband. And your husband is new to Islam, so he does not know that Allah comes before obeying His mother. He must respect and take care of her, but that does not mean he sacrifices his deen, his wifes deen and that of his children.

How is he in terms of his Islamic committment? As Reverts are of varying levels and backgrounds? Its certainly not easy being a revert and many even turn back when the going gets too tough, so may Allah help and preserve you both on the right way, amin.

However, sister Julie you need to get in touch with a good Sunni Imam and get some advice, along with your husband.

Asking questions online on a forum is not the best way to deal with something as serious as this.
 

Julie1134

Junior Member
Thanks

As'salmu alaikum,
Thanks to each of you for the advice. I should find a number online to call a masjid. There are no mosques in our area but I am sure I can find one online. :tti_sister:
 

weakslave

Junior Member
As'salmu alaikum,
Thanks to each of you for the advice. I should find a number online to call a masjid. There are no mosques in our area but I am sure I can find one online. :tti_sister:

:wasalam:

That is very unfortunate. Your situation has many variables, it is best to seek advise from someone more knowledgeable. There is one person I highly recommend, he has lots of experience in marriage/divorce and with Allaah's help he will help you make the right choice. If you are interested in his contact info, I can give you his email or cell via PM.
 

miq1

Junior Member
Praise be to Allah (The Glorified and Exalted).


The Importance of the Husband/Father:


The foundation of society is a family composed of a husband and wife. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) had once said that he would have told the family to fall in prostration before the father, if that had been permitted by Allah (The Glorified). This statement alludes to the great importance of the role of the husband/father to the family. Especially that of the biological father. Children view step-fathers as more of outsiders and strangers, unless they treat them better than the biological father. However, if the biological was friendly with his children, then his position will always be higher.

The children require the father for his authority and guidance in their lives. Further more, the male children require a father to look upon as their male role-model, for male companionship, to set a standard of behavior for them to follow. Not to mention, to play sports with, etc. The female children require a father to provide them the male acceptance they seek and to set a model of behavior and attitude that they should seek for in a future husband.

When the father is missing, then it is no surprise that you find these types of families in which the children are running wild. One cannot be surprised to see the male children become nonreligious and accepting the male view of manhood coming from their fellow peers (in your situation mostly non-Muslims) and television actors, that engage in all forms of abomination. The female children also become misled in life and nonreligious, at an older age, running around trying to seek male acceptance and approval from the "wrong type" of man, destroying their own lives. It is also the case that in the mind of a child completeness of a family is viewed as having both mother and father.

Step-Father?:

You are living in a land in which there are not many Muslims. Getting a divorce will be devastating to you, because you will enter into an abyss of the unknown. Your husband is already a Muslim and the biological father to your children. And you have mentioned before that he treats you well. If you were to get a divorce, who knows if you will every find another Muslim man to marry you or to take care of your children. You will lose your male partner and father to your children. Considering that most men do not like to look after the children of other men, especially in your land in which when the children reach their teenage years, they become a bit more troublesome to deal with. That may lead to trouble in the relationship with the new husband, when the children of your previous husband to do not behave well. It is also the case that in your land, it is honestly difficult to find good Muslim men that are religious and have the same mentality as you. Because many of them come from immigrant families with different cultural practices and ideas about marriage. You may end up not every getting married again, because many immigrant parents do not wish for their sons to marry outside their culture or race, so no male partner or father to your children, or you may get involved in a worse marriage. Many Muslims in your land are not very knowledgeable about Islam to begin with. It is better for you and your husband, sharing the same mentality and culture and idea concerning marriage, to start learning Islam from scratch and teach it to your children, free from any cultural practices found in Central Asia or the Middle-East.


What to do about the Parties:


If you and your husband can financially afford to, then move into your own home. If your husband can still help his mother, then fine. If not, then that is life, she will lose her home to the bank. However, you can allow her to come and live with you and your husband. This way, you set the rules, no alcohol in the home and no parties, and get rid of the other woman. Be patient with your husband, especially if they have some emotional attachment to the home. You may try to influence him when you are alone with him by behaving nicely and speaking kindly to him, smiling, reminding him of religious duties, etc. This way when his heart is softened, he may act and realize that this situation is not good to provide an Islamic life for one's family.

In the meantime, during these parties, you can isolate your children into a room alone with them and tell them stories of the Prophets (peace be upon them) and tell them about the Angels, description of Heaven, etc. When you pray, try to do it together as a family with your husband and children and let the kids mimic your movements, etc. Push the children into the religion a bit more strongly and if they see the people at the parties, just tell them kindly that people live their lives differently and that is not part of their life and they can never join in that, because it is against what Allah (The Exalted) wants. And remind them of the story of Adam (peace be upon him) and his downfall, by disobeying Allah (The Exalted). Children at their age will understand that.


Emigration:

Eventually, when your children pass the elementary school level, I believe it would be best to move into a city with a more significant Muslim population. So that your family can pray at the masjid (mosque), your children may attend an Islamic private school, make friends with Muslim children, you can have Muslim friends, eat halaal food, etc. If you are studying something in the medical field (nursing, doctor, etc) there is also a chance to move to a Muslim populated nation such as Saudi Arabia, because they hire many foreigners in this field, and there are also teaching jobs available, such as teaching English, or engineering work, etc. If you want to eventually move to a Muslim populated nation such as Arabia, then look in that matter by searching "google" for Saudi jobs.


Some Links to Help you Teach your Children and Learn about Islam:

1) Proving Islam: http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40837

2) Islamic files: http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65248

3) In your land many people believe in evolution, you should teach your children the falseness of this belief when they are at an older age, teenagers, bookmark the site or save some of its information on a word file. Science Against Evolution:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62132

4) http://www.islamreligion.com/

5) Allow your children to sit on your lap and watch this show with them. This will also psychologically allow them to make a connection with the religion of Islam and their own identity as americans, especially important when they get older, because the host of the show is an american man. This way they do not view the religion as foreign to themselves, but accept it as also being part of their identity. The Deen Show: http://thedeenshow.com/

6) Because you live in a land with many christians. And unfortunately, some of them that are hostile to Islam, as your children get older, teach them the falseness of that religion by the lectures with former christians on the Deen Show and articles from the following site:
http://www.answering-christianity.com/ac.htm


And Allah Knows Best.
 
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