ATA95
I ♥ Allah (SWT)
Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters. I'm going to give a full debrief on what's happening in my life at the moment that is making me confused and broken.
There are three main issues happening in my life at the moment.
1. I'm sinning by watching p*rn and masturbating (which I have genuinely tried giving up countless times).
2. Family - grandmother passing away and a problem with my father.
3. Marriage
1. Sinning
To my deep regret I still sadly watch p*rn and masturbate. At the moment I'm still learning more about Islam like praying etc. Each time I commit these sins I repent but since I don't know exactly how to properly repent I'm not sure then if my repenting counts. I have tried so many times since coming to Islam to remove this disease of sinning all the time. I hate doing it but my desires and Shaytan's whispers attack me every time which frustrates me so much causing me to just give in. I'm so weak and feel as if I can't give it up because I've tried countless times. I know Allah (SWT) is all merciful and forgiving but if I can't ask Allah (SWT) for forgiveness in the way he wants me to then how do I know He has forgiven me?
2. Family
Recently my grandmother passed away due to cancer. I was going to show her Islam but her health deteriorated in a short amount of time and I never got the chance to. Before she passed away I prayed for her many times. I watched a video where Sh. Bilal Philips said that if a sick person is patient before they pass away then Allah (SWT) will erase all their sins and they will go into the hereafter free of sins. I just hope this is true.
Secondly, my parents are separated from each other which occurred when I was young. I live with my mother who is a Catholic. I visit my father every once in a while. Even though my father is a Muslim he is not fully practicing. My father lives with his partner and they're not married which is haram (as far as I know). They've had children together, my step sister and step brother.
When I go over to visit them, my father and his partner (my step mother) always criticise or judge me in some way when I do something wrong according to them. Once we were putting a bed together and I put a piece in the wrong place. My step mother went on criticising me about one small mistake I made and really put me down.
Another time we were sitting at a table and my step mother said 'Bismillah' so my step bro and sis will follow on. I said it earlier and my step mother asked me why I hadn't said it. I told her the reason and she went on about how it is my responsibility as an older brother that I should be saying it in front of them. Ironically enough she is the one who drinks alcohol, swears, criticises me, is not married when she is meant to be and does not pray at all. From my perspective my father doesn't fulfil his duty of being a true father which is taking an interest in my life in general, he doesn't ask how my school studies are going or the progress I'm making with being a Muslim.
3. Marriage
With marriage I understand that a person has to be spiritually, emotionally and financially prepared for marriage. Firstly Islam stands for making marriage easier but if I have to be spiritually, emotionally and financially ready before marriage that means I'll have to wait many years suppressing my desires until getting married.
I have no idea how I'm going to do that in the society I live in with sex being promoted, p*rnographic images almost wherever I go, women wearing tight clothing etc. I understand fasting is an effective way to keep in control of desires however this is not a solution for two or three years. When I look at these three main points that I need to fulfil before getting married it doesn't look great.
Being financially ready
At the moment I don't have a job and am currently looking for employment. Even when I do get a job I would get paid the minimum wage (since I'm 16) which will not be enough to support a wife. So I'm not financially able.
Being spiritually able
It's so hard for me because I live in two worlds almost. At home I do not have any Islamic influence except from myself going out of my way to stay stedfast as a Muslim but since I sin how can I say that? I've mentioned my father earlier so it isn't an option to go to him. So I'm not spiritually able.
Being emotionally able
I have come to realise that actually I am only becoming young adult in the coming years and haven't thought it through enough. So I'm not emotionally able.
It seems as if all hope is lost for me. I'm addicted to p*rn and masturbating, my grandmother has passed away, I have come to realise I don't have a true father and have no idea how I'm going to stay a virgin before getting a wife. Maybe I'm not fit enough to be a Muslim. I'm simply broken.
There are three main issues happening in my life at the moment.
1. I'm sinning by watching p*rn and masturbating (which I have genuinely tried giving up countless times).
2. Family - grandmother passing away and a problem with my father.
3. Marriage
1. Sinning
To my deep regret I still sadly watch p*rn and masturbate. At the moment I'm still learning more about Islam like praying etc. Each time I commit these sins I repent but since I don't know exactly how to properly repent I'm not sure then if my repenting counts. I have tried so many times since coming to Islam to remove this disease of sinning all the time. I hate doing it but my desires and Shaytan's whispers attack me every time which frustrates me so much causing me to just give in. I'm so weak and feel as if I can't give it up because I've tried countless times. I know Allah (SWT) is all merciful and forgiving but if I can't ask Allah (SWT) for forgiveness in the way he wants me to then how do I know He has forgiven me?
2. Family
Recently my grandmother passed away due to cancer. I was going to show her Islam but her health deteriorated in a short amount of time and I never got the chance to. Before she passed away I prayed for her many times. I watched a video where Sh. Bilal Philips said that if a sick person is patient before they pass away then Allah (SWT) will erase all their sins and they will go into the hereafter free of sins. I just hope this is true.
Secondly, my parents are separated from each other which occurred when I was young. I live with my mother who is a Catholic. I visit my father every once in a while. Even though my father is a Muslim he is not fully practicing. My father lives with his partner and they're not married which is haram (as far as I know). They've had children together, my step sister and step brother.
When I go over to visit them, my father and his partner (my step mother) always criticise or judge me in some way when I do something wrong according to them. Once we were putting a bed together and I put a piece in the wrong place. My step mother went on criticising me about one small mistake I made and really put me down.
Another time we were sitting at a table and my step mother said 'Bismillah' so my step bro and sis will follow on. I said it earlier and my step mother asked me why I hadn't said it. I told her the reason and she went on about how it is my responsibility as an older brother that I should be saying it in front of them. Ironically enough she is the one who drinks alcohol, swears, criticises me, is not married when she is meant to be and does not pray at all. From my perspective my father doesn't fulfil his duty of being a true father which is taking an interest in my life in general, he doesn't ask how my school studies are going or the progress I'm making with being a Muslim.
3. Marriage
With marriage I understand that a person has to be spiritually, emotionally and financially prepared for marriage. Firstly Islam stands for making marriage easier but if I have to be spiritually, emotionally and financially ready before marriage that means I'll have to wait many years suppressing my desires until getting married.
I have no idea how I'm going to do that in the society I live in with sex being promoted, p*rnographic images almost wherever I go, women wearing tight clothing etc. I understand fasting is an effective way to keep in control of desires however this is not a solution for two or three years. When I look at these three main points that I need to fulfil before getting married it doesn't look great.
Being financially ready
At the moment I don't have a job and am currently looking for employment. Even when I do get a job I would get paid the minimum wage (since I'm 16) which will not be enough to support a wife. So I'm not financially able.
Being spiritually able
It's so hard for me because I live in two worlds almost. At home I do not have any Islamic influence except from myself going out of my way to stay stedfast as a Muslim but since I sin how can I say that? I've mentioned my father earlier so it isn't an option to go to him. So I'm not spiritually able.
Being emotionally able
I have come to realise that actually I am only becoming young adult in the coming years and haven't thought it through enough. So I'm not emotionally able.
It seems as if all hope is lost for me. I'm addicted to p*rn and masturbating, my grandmother has passed away, I have come to realise I don't have a true father and have no idea how I'm going to stay a virgin before getting a wife. Maybe I'm not fit enough to be a Muslim. I'm simply broken.