Precious Star
Junior Member
OK so here's the latest.
I'm 41 and sad that my parents never helped me to get married. In fact they never talked about it out loud.
So the last few days I was in another city, for my work. I had a day to myself so I went and visited a close friend of mine. We are about the same age, same profession, but she is married and 2 kids. She bought a new house and this was the first time I saw it. It was really beautiful, lots of windows and light, and her two children aged 4 and 2 played in the room adjacent to the kitchen while my friend and her husband made breakfast for me. It was a nice, peaceful, loving atmosphere.
Something I wanted so much for myself. I remember years ago my friend told me to start looking for a man but I had to explain to her that my parents were very strict and it was not something I was allowed to do (she is not muslim, but she understands my religious restrictions as her parents are originally from India). She warned me that I may end up alone, but I was too scared of my parents to do anything. Anyway, she got married a few years later and....happily ever after.
So I get home yesterday and I tell her about my friend's new home and how lovely it was. My mother knows I have always yearned to have a nice house and be a homemaker - have a nice kitchen, decorate, take care of my family -- and she knows about my grief over the fact that I did not have children. As usual, my mother says "well of course they have a beautiful home, both husband and wife are working so why shouldn't they?".
She says this everytime I mention a friend's family home. Actually, whenever I mention something family-related that is happening to someone else, she makes some comment to suggest that it is not for me so why am I bothering. Like, when my best friend got married she said "don't think you will have a wedding like this." When another very close friend got married she said "oh of course she found a nice husband, but her parents have contacts all over north america - we are not like that!". When another couple got married, a hindu girl and christian guy but both from India, she said that of course it was easy for the girl to get married because she doesn't care about religion; our muslim girls care about religion. There are other ladies in my office who got married and are now expecting babies, and when I tell my mom about them (because everyone in the office makes a big deal - gives them presents, talk about babies at meetings and in the lunchroom, etc) she says "of course those people get married and have babies; they are allowed to meet their husbands in university and marry them, but you are different".
So yesterday when my mom repeated her usual stock comment about my friend's house, I said "I knew you would say that, because you say that everytime." And my mom couldn't understand what was wrong with that. So I told her instead of making these comments, why can't you say "Insha'Allah you will have a beautiful home of your own and a nice husband and chidlren too someday"?
anyway, she's now mad at me and gave me the silent treatment when I went over to her place today for a visit.
I know that by now i probably won't have that but there is nothing wrong with her saying something kind instead of something to discourage me. All the years of inaction and silence discouraged me enough.
You have to understand something before you judge me. No one in my family has ever said "Insha'Allah you will have a family some day". Never. My parents bent over backwards for my brothers' weddings, and did everything for their children - i did too -- but the brothers never held out a helping hand for my marriage and never said to me that they want me to have a family life of my own. Never. I think my mom wanted it for me deep in her heart, but my dad was very authoritarian so whatever he said we did. So I guess now that I am 41 and I know my time is over, I am sad and angry at the sacrifice I made for my parents. My obedience came at a cost. Why wouldn't my parents ever say hopeful things for me? Its fine to read dua with your salaat. But you have to impart hope to your children, not fear, not threats that if you do something we dislike we will stop talking to you.
Don't you think saying "Insha'Allah we hope the same for you" is better than coming up with 100 reasons why I can't have a marriage and children?
I'm 41 and sad that my parents never helped me to get married. In fact they never talked about it out loud.
So the last few days I was in another city, for my work. I had a day to myself so I went and visited a close friend of mine. We are about the same age, same profession, but she is married and 2 kids. She bought a new house and this was the first time I saw it. It was really beautiful, lots of windows and light, and her two children aged 4 and 2 played in the room adjacent to the kitchen while my friend and her husband made breakfast for me. It was a nice, peaceful, loving atmosphere.
Something I wanted so much for myself. I remember years ago my friend told me to start looking for a man but I had to explain to her that my parents were very strict and it was not something I was allowed to do (she is not muslim, but she understands my religious restrictions as her parents are originally from India). She warned me that I may end up alone, but I was too scared of my parents to do anything. Anyway, she got married a few years later and....happily ever after.
So I get home yesterday and I tell her about my friend's new home and how lovely it was. My mother knows I have always yearned to have a nice house and be a homemaker - have a nice kitchen, decorate, take care of my family -- and she knows about my grief over the fact that I did not have children. As usual, my mother says "well of course they have a beautiful home, both husband and wife are working so why shouldn't they?".
She says this everytime I mention a friend's family home. Actually, whenever I mention something family-related that is happening to someone else, she makes some comment to suggest that it is not for me so why am I bothering. Like, when my best friend got married she said "don't think you will have a wedding like this." When another very close friend got married she said "oh of course she found a nice husband, but her parents have contacts all over north america - we are not like that!". When another couple got married, a hindu girl and christian guy but both from India, she said that of course it was easy for the girl to get married because she doesn't care about religion; our muslim girls care about religion. There are other ladies in my office who got married and are now expecting babies, and when I tell my mom about them (because everyone in the office makes a big deal - gives them presents, talk about babies at meetings and in the lunchroom, etc) she says "of course those people get married and have babies; they are allowed to meet their husbands in university and marry them, but you are different".
So yesterday when my mom repeated her usual stock comment about my friend's house, I said "I knew you would say that, because you say that everytime." And my mom couldn't understand what was wrong with that. So I told her instead of making these comments, why can't you say "Insha'Allah you will have a beautiful home of your own and a nice husband and chidlren too someday"?
anyway, she's now mad at me and gave me the silent treatment when I went over to her place today for a visit.
I know that by now i probably won't have that but there is nothing wrong with her saying something kind instead of something to discourage me. All the years of inaction and silence discouraged me enough.
You have to understand something before you judge me. No one in my family has ever said "Insha'Allah you will have a family some day". Never. My parents bent over backwards for my brothers' weddings, and did everything for their children - i did too -- but the brothers never held out a helping hand for my marriage and never said to me that they want me to have a family life of my own. Never. I think my mom wanted it for me deep in her heart, but my dad was very authoritarian so whatever he said we did. So I guess now that I am 41 and I know my time is over, I am sad and angry at the sacrifice I made for my parents. My obedience came at a cost. Why wouldn't my parents ever say hopeful things for me? Its fine to read dua with your salaat. But you have to impart hope to your children, not fear, not threats that if you do something we dislike we will stop talking to you.
Don't you think saying "Insha'Allah we hope the same for you" is better than coming up with 100 reasons why I can't have a marriage and children?