My husband does not come near me

[qassal]

Salaam,

I have been married 12 years. First few years all was great. Then our child was born. I gained some weight and am trying to lose it for a decade but to no success. My husband has lost full interest in me. He is religious, prays 5 times, but does not look at me. Any advice? Suggestion? Help

 

[Um Ibrahim]

Salaam,

I have been married 12 years. First few years all was great. Then our child was born. I gained some weight and am trying to lose it for a decade but to no success. My husband has lost full interest in me. He is religious, prays 5 times, but does not look at me. Any advice? Suggestion? Help

Have you tried talking to him and letting him know how u feel? Remind him of your rights as a wife. You have rights over him and as a husband he should fulfil his duties. You need to tell him to fear Allah. Alhamdulilah that your husband is practising. I'm sure that if you remind him to fear Allah and tell him how his actions or lack thereof is hurting you, then surely he will change, inshaaAllah.

If talking to him doesn't solve your issue then perhaps you need to bring in someone who's honest and will advice him sincerely.

Hoping the best for u and may Allah rectify your situation.

 

[alf2]

First, talk to him. Then If that doesn't help i would seek advice from an Islamic marriage counselor.

I also feel fat and felt my husband lost all interest with me. Come to find out he didn't even notice and had a lot weighing on his mind.

 

[moji-khan]

Salaam,

I have been married 12 years. First few years all was great. Then our child was born. I gained some weight and am trying to lose it for a decade but to no success. My husband has lost full interest in me. He is religious, prays 5 times, but does not look at me. Any advice? Suggestion? Help

Dear sister appearant beauty is short lived the actual one is internal and the people must understand it. You should talk to your husband and I thing no lady can lose weight without the encouragement and support of her husband. I think you must not worry about it cuz in worry you will gain more weight instead of losing it.Stay blessed always.

 

[mahussain]

I think that you should be aware that not all men are the same. Some are more active and some less. I don't think you will be able to change him fully.

Talk to him, and tell him, that you have a right over him just as he has a right over you. Tell him that in Islam, he should never have a problem, if you wish to take him with you to an imam, for a marriage problem. As the imams are there to advice people, and they are the best of advisors. Then tell him you want to take the marriage problem to an imam, to seek advice and he must be there.

Be serious and tell him no, you want to go to an imam, as you are not giving me my rights as a wife.

Then when he says, to give him one more chance, say no again, and when he asks one more chance, say OK last chance, but if you don't change then I have to take it to an imam, who are the best of advisors in this world.

Then be loving to him, and tell him, we should follow the sunnah in marriage. Let's read a book about marriage together so we can learn about marriage, and inshaAllah start to follow the Prophet (saw) in his marriages.

You can download this book at the following link, and start reading that together.

The etiquette of marriage, sheikh Albani

http://tawheednyc.com/sisters.html

Do not be hard on your husband if he wants to change. He is not gonna be able to change drastically. Do not expect too much from your husband where you want to change into something else. He may be lacking in some ways but he has many good qualities as you said yourself.

May Allah grant both of you good.

 

[qassal]

okay, Let me give more details. My husband has been very supportive with me when it comes to losing weight, he reminded me daily for over 8 years now. I just don't have the discipline to do it. He says "for 8 years i have begged you to dress well, wear nice clothes, do your hair, wear nice shoes, but you are always in rags". I always try to do it, but i don't have the will power.

So as a woman, are we islamically required to dress up and look good? He says he takes care of his body, dresses well, and that I am so ungroomed and he wants the same in return. We just keep arguing over this for a decade. I try but always fail.

Am I supposed to dress up?

 

[mahussain]

Dressing up is not the problem here. He doesn't come near you, you said.

Whether u are fat or not, he has to give you your rights.

You said he was religious. So he should accept it, if you have a problem and you wish to see an imam for advice.

I don't know if you are practising yourself. If your husband is practising, then he would respect you more for you learning and practising Islam more.

So firstly know that Allah sent a messenger to you, the Prophet Muhammad.

So learn about the message that Allah sent you.

If you are not learning about Islam then, it is as if ,Allah your Lord, who gave you life, when you was nothing, and Who provides everything for you, sent a message to you, but you don't want to know what that message is.

If this is the case with you, and your husband is practising, then it may be the reason why Allah is not providing the blessings in your marriage.

Know your Lord, Allah, Who provides your food, and follow what message he sent you. You are aware of the Quran, and Islam, so find out the message Allah sent you.

Secondly, if your husband wants you to dress and do your hair nicely, ask him to buy you some clothes which he likes, and ask him to do your hair.

Thirdly, you CAN lose weight.
What you need to do is eat foods that will fill you up, with less calories.

Those small packets of noodles, koka,maggi noodles. Break the noodles into small pieces. Put it in a small bowl. Pour boiling water over them until covered by 1 cm. Pour the packet of soup powder in. Mix it.

Wait for the noodles to soften. Then eat the noodles. Drink all of the soup, and see if it fills you up.

It'll fill you up, and you would only have eaten 390 calories.

You can also put in a couple of teaspoons of canned sweet corn or canned diced vegetables, or cooked prawns. It'll still be 400 calories.

For snacks when your hungry make half a packet and eat that, and drink the soup. It'll be only 200 calories.

Aim for 1600 calories a day.

Don't drink juices or drinks, apart from diet drinks as there are only about 10 calories in a whole can.

Buy a mini stepper, do some exercise.

Watch your weight every 3 days and inshaAllah your weight will fall off.

You gotta watch your food, try that noodle diet for a week, and don't drink drinks apart from water and diet coke or something.

No chocolates, croissants, bread with butter, cereals, curries, fried chicken, pizza.

Check you weight, and after a week check your weight, inshaAllah the weight will come off.

Please try that noodle diet for a week, but you must drink all the soup, to stop you getting hungry.

You might need to sprinkle some salt to make it taste good.

Remember to keep within 1600 calories a day.

Also please have a read of that book I sent to you before.

The etiquettes of marriage by sheikh Albani.

You can download the PDF in the following link.

http://tawheednyc.com/sisters.html

May Allah help you.

 

[qassal]

Well he says he stopped coming near me because I am constantly in rags and I only dress up on a wedding. I can try the noodle diet, however After 8 years and dieting every single year, I will fail.

 

[mahussain]

What rags, is he talking about hijab.

If so, you don't need to wear hijab at home.

Just ask him to buy you some clothes which he likes, and ask him to do your hair.

You say you tried dieting, how many calories did you eat a day.

 

[qassal]

of course not hijab... my hair and clothing is untidy. I don't have any grooming habits. I wear the same clothes for years. He tells me to buy clothes. What do I do if I don't have desire?

I tried controlling food many times, i never seem to burn off weight.

 

[mahussain]

I have advised u as much as I can.

Talk to your husband.
Take him to an imam for advice.
Tell him to buy you clothes.
Tell him to do your hair.
Go on a 1600 calorie diet, buy a mini stepper for exercise.
Learn Islam, and practice Islam.
Read the book etiquette of marriage, with your husband.

Your response is,

I don't have any grooming habits. I wear the same clothes for years. He tells me to buy clothes. What do I do if I don't have desire?

He's your husband so why won't he buy you clothes. If he can't afford it, ask him how should you buy clothes.

You say you don't have grooming habits, then how about you try to groom yourself. Ask your husband how you should groom yourself if you don't know how.

You say what can you do if you have no desire.
Make some desire, otherwise what's the point asking people for advice, if you have no desire to do anything.

I asked you how many calories did you eat a day when dieting.

You didnt answer my question, instead you replied,

I tried controlling food many times, i never seem to burn off weight.

Stick to 1600 calories a day. And then see if the diet is working. 1600 calories is gonna make you feel hungry so I gave you the noodle diet with drinking the soup and not drinking any drinks other than diet drinks and water. That diet keeps you full without the calories.

That's all I can advise now. It's up to you to take the advice or not.

May Allah help you

 

[Um Ibrahim]

of course not hijab... my hair and clothing is untidy. I don't have any grooming habits. I wear the same clothes for years. He tells me to buy clothes. What do I do if I don't have desire?

I tried controlling food many times, i never seem to burn off weight.

Awww sister I know it's hard but inshaaAllah try your best. Put your trust in Allah and try to work hard. Keep trying no matter how many times u fail.

 

[queenislam]

Assalamu'alaikum!
Maybe he is down with something,meaning ; sick or whatever it is, i suggest you to make suggestion for him to see a doctor.You ,for instance an excuse you make for being fat is out of the subject after all men prefer fat than thin wife, my reason as a woman , when we see a man's wife fat, the world will know that he been feeding his wife with good foods .
~Wassalam

 

[queenislam]

okay, Let me give more details. My husband has been very supportive with me when it comes to losing weight, he reminded me daily for over 8 years now. I just don't have the discipline to do it. He says "for 8 years i have begged you to dress well, wear nice clothes, do your hair, wear nice shoes, but you are always in rags". I always try to do it, but i don't have the will power.

So as a woman, are we islamically required to dress up and look good? He says he takes care of his body, dresses well, and that I am so ungroomed and he wants the same in return. We just keep arguing over this for a decade. I try but always fail.

Am I supposed to dress up?

Nonsence,your weight is just an excuse for him to cover up on something and how did you end up that way???Did he provide a maid for you at home that can make you sit in front of the mirror for hours. .Be patient sister make many du'a so that Allah swt put more sense in your husband.
~May Allah swt help you dear sister~Amin!

 

[queenislam]

there is a saying; If you don't look at your wife with so much pityness look at her as another muslim that is your responsible to care as family in Islam.

 

[qassal]

See that is the thing.. He prays 5 times, works, does everything around the home, dresses well and takes care of us. He says, i let myself go, if I want to stay fat, at least dress properly, change clothes, etc.

 

[Abu Juwairiya]

Assalamu'alaikum!
Maybe he is down with something,meaning ; sick or whatever it is, i suggest you to make suggestion for him to see a doctor.You ,for instance an excuse you make for being fat is out of the subject after all men prefer fat than thin wife, my reason as a woman , when we see a man's wife fat, the world will know that he been feeding his wife with good foods .
~Wassalam

Before I offer my suggestions to the Sister in question, I wish to correct Sister Queen Islam on the above statement in bold. I am afraid I disagree, this is a either a generalisation or based on inaccurate sources. You did not say 'most men', You said , 'all men', hence as a brother myself I do not need to verify my difference of opinion with yourself. I also seriously disagree with your second assertion 'when we see a man's wife fat, the world will know that he been feeding his wife with good foods ', but I will leave that for the time being.

In respect to the thread itself, Sister Qasal, there's not much more I wish to add to much of what has already been said, except that you may want to consider the following things-

Those things that he does like about yourself and what you are going to do about them as a way of bring you closer together.

Visiting places you both like and which makes you both happy both during and after such trips.

Those things that you know bring you closer together as a couple.

As example to the above, some practicing couples have included-

Joint Tafsir sessions where we share information about the Qur'an, praying Tahajjud together where the husband leads Salah, learning extra duas and reminding each other about forgotten Sunnahs, fasting the 13th, 14th and 15th of every month etc.

Finally, you may want to ask yourself how much you are prepared to do things for him that he asks and if either you or your husband be willing to compromise either way knowing and recognising that is very difficult for both of you to come down completely to the others demands and expectations.

May Allah accept you and make your marriage stronger.

 

[hopeeternal]

salam
.interesting thread which I can relate to
after the birth of my third child my husband also seems to lose interest. And then also criticized my hair looks weight.with three young sons and a job it was not easy .i need things too like to go ut take a walk breathe fresh air take my kids to play ..things he rarely had time for
.we let things cdrift .didnt talk about and we ended with huge problems ..we survived them somehow but its not easy and life has changed
I believe we each have responsibilities to one another
but very important
.every book ihave read and every person ihage spken to has said .has said women are expected as wives to beautify and take care of themselves for their husbands
.so sorry to say it sister but you are partly responsible

try to change and tak to her husband before things get worse

 

[saif]

Dear sister Qassal,

I want to share a few thoughts, and a few tips, which may or may not help you. However, I hope, it will help you understand the real issues behind your apparent problems. I am an engineer by profession and not a doctor. I hope, I will get corrected by some doctor in the forum, if there is a fault in my understanding.

Understanding metabolism, function of thyroid gland and their relationship with the human psyche

For the proper functioning of the body, the cells need a constant supply of energy and materials, which we get from our diet. Metabolism is a collective name of all chemical reactions in the body, which are responsible for the supply of energy (in the form of sugar) and the rest of the materials to the cells.

Thyroid gland is a control knob for the speed of metabolism. A fast metabolism (not too fast!) means effective supply of energy to the body. Usually, it is associated with a more energetic behavior towards life and the stronger will power to do everything and anything.

A slow metabolism means a scarce supply of energy to the body. Usually, it is associated with a more passive attitute towards life and a weaker will power to do anything and everything. The way you are describing your failed attempts to control your weight and less appetite to beautify yourself, looks symptomatic to me for a too slow metabolism. I would consult a doctor for eventual thyroid gland issues.

Impact of outer circumstances on metabolism

The impact of metabolism on human psyche is not one directional. Where as you may loose your energy in life by a slow metabolism, spending a too boring and too monotonous life without things, which you find interesting, may also damage your metabolism. You must have heard things like: "I had to do this boring job everyday and I ended up gaining weight...". What I want to say is, if you are doing things, in which you are involved with your heart and soul, they will have a positive effect on your metabolism. Be useful, feel that you are useful, be proud on your achievements and you will have a life full of life and good chances to get rid of your weight issues. If you get the feeling, you are of no use and there is nothing positive you can contribute to the world, you are destined to gain weight.

A few words about dieting and excercise

• Exercise is good but its effect is usually overrated. Dieting is usually more effective but avoid all crash diets, which may lead to jojo-effect.
• Instead of a short term crash diet, prepare yourself for a change in your eating behaviour.
• A big amount of extra calories are taken from sweets, bread or rice. If you are trying to reduce your calories, they are the best candidates to start with.
• As a part of the metabolic reactions, human body can always convert fats into sugar (and vice versa). However, it cannot convert fats into proteins or vitamins. Make sure to supply your body with enough protein and vitamins and minerals during your diet.

I hope, it will help. May Allah's help be with you. May you get a life, full of life.

A few words for dear sister queenislam

dear sister, I am always positively amazed by your contributions in the forum. However, I found your posts in this thread too simplistic. I must say, there is a slight chance that your suspisions are true. However, you need to understand, that the mechanics of the relations between a husband and a wife are more complicated than we usually tend to believe.

May Allah guide and protect all muslims. Ameen.

 

[saif]

Assalamu alaikum

After rereading my post, I have realized, I have not elaborated the second heading of my previous post enough. What I want to underline is that you should do good deeds for other human beings. By that you will get a completly different feeling towards your own self. You will get respected by others including your husband and that will increase your self-value in your own eyes. From a purely religious point of view, seeking that kind of recognition from others might not be encouraged. However, we are humans and we do need some recognition of our self. You don't have to be in a certain profession to do that. Just look around and define your own role in the world.

What I want to say is, that good deeds have a positive effect on human health. This is something no doctor can tell you. You might think, what has that to do with my weight issues. Believe me, it has a lot to do with your problems.

Wassalamu alaikum