POLYGAMY In Islam

Hard Rock Moslem

I'm your brother
Not every women will have same heart, some maybe strong and some maybe weaker. Husband, while exercising his right in Islam should apply some wisdom before committing to polyginy. Example, if he knows his wife is weak in heart, like the case of my friend, better he postpone his intention to have "new house". Although I favour guys to have wives if they can afford, nothing wrong to discuss the matter with his wife so that she will be mentally and physical prepared.
 

uniqueskates

Rabbe Zidni Illma
Assalaam alaikum,
The reason that a woman would have a broken heart is because she chooses to have a broken heart. It is that simple. Poor things.

Waliakumassalaam Aapa.

You are right. Ever individual has a choice, whether to hold on to the heart break or just move on. And He/She is totally responsible and shouldn't be pointing fingers at others. But not everybody understands it Mother. You are sensible Alhmadulilah. But many other sisters out there in the world don't have a thought process like you have. They need to break out and open their minds, think why Islam provides such provisions.

It's not all about monetary issues. But main thing is that a man has to do Justice Mother. Be it in time, love, affectionate (or) even the materialistic things and even the basic amenities like food, clothing and shelter. As someone above told, if he thinks he will be able to do justice.. Then *drop the bombs* go ahead and marry. But if he not able to, then he better be ready to face Allah(SWT) on The Day.. Even the thought of it, sends shiver down my body..!!

Brother Hard Rock - Nice point you made. *Smiles*

Peace :)
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

Trust me son it took years of seeking knowledge for this ex-womens libber to understand this. I think I did a 180 degree turn.

Anyhow, I am very pleased with the way this thread has developed. We have been mature and polite.
 

Min-Fadhli-Rabii

Junior Member
Assalaam alaikum,

And for the brother that knows he needs variety and for the sister who knows she can share make it easier on them; even if we live in the west. The brothers are not stepping up to meet the needs of sisters. The brothers are not stepping up.

Sister Aapa, all you have mentioned are logic and support polygamy. It is true that there many sisters can't find husband. For those husband who are married (I being one) and want to get second wife find difficult or almost impossible to have second wife. Because the majority of women they don't like to share their husband with another woman. They know is recommended in our deen, but their heart can't accept and second wife also cause problem to the husband. If you do get married to second wife the following happen;

a) It put stain in your marriage forever, the woman lose trust on her husband even if the husband divorced the second wife. The wife thinks my husband will get marry again anytime, so the relationship never become the same as when they got married

b) Both wives they cause problems to the husband. Whatever you give them they find is not enough, they think he give more to the other wife or must take more otherwise he will give to the other wife.

c)They cause psychological problem to the husband, they play psychological game to the husband. They make him inferior, put him down permanently. They think I should do this so that he will not be able to marry another wife in the future.

d) The wives spread animosity between the husband and his kids.

e) The wives are always and everyday are complaining, once you walk into the door, straightaway complains start, on daily bases.

These are some of the problems that prevent we(men//husband) to take second wife, even if we can fulfil the condition of taking second wife and I am sadden to see there are many sisters who can't get husband to marry them.

Those problems above are coming from experience from a very close friend of mine who married to second wife twice, meaning he married to first wife and took second wife, due to problems he divorce second wife. He took another second wife and there were a lot of problem from both wife, and he divorce the second wife due to problems from both of the wives. He has to keep the first because he has children with her.

Can you shed light on this?

You may say marry pious woman, nowadays even pious woman the cause problems most of them, the degree of the problem may be different.

We want to take on the second woman, but our first wife will cause problem and it stains her heart. How to come about this?
 

Hard Rock Moslem

I'm your brother
Brother,

On the other hand, if husband take another wife, there will be "psychological problem" to the wife too, which later can spread to the kids because the kids are attach more to the mother than father.

Sister Aapa,

Trust me, it will take time for other sisters to have their 180 degree turn. What sisters do not realised is that ultimately believing women will have to accept polygyny once they are in heaven.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

The only answer lies in what Allah subhana wa taala has given us. His permission to take up to four wives if you can be just. It is that simple.

Therefore, it becomes a learning process for brothers and sisters to understand how do we do that. He is not asking us to give up anything ( the sisters ).
The sisters are scared that they will not be the main object of love if the husbands marry another. What they do not think about is that there can only be one object of Love. That is Allah subhana wa taala.

We have to have educational programs to enlighten the sisters. We have to teach them that they have been mislead with irrational thinking of the kufr. In my words we have to de-Disneyfy them. Somewhere along the lines women were told to become jealous. This jealousy has become a disease. Let me try to explain my-self. In life, and I repeat myself, our goal is to remain on the Path. As life unfolds we let go of many many things.

Our sisters have mixed up notions of love. They are holding on to the physical union as the only expression of I love you. They can not see beyond the physical sharing. He is mine and I can not share. Well, the last time I looked up there is nothing that says he is yours. He, the husband, does not come with a ball and chain tied to you. Love is not chained nor forced.

We need to be educated on the ajar that comes with understanding the faith and living the deen. We do not have too much on that.

We, the sisters, are confused. We have to go back and learn our faith. This is about faith and not physical satisfaction. We have to emphasis the goal. You have to wish for your sisters that which you wish for yourself to enter paradise.

Is it cultural? I don't know. The key lies in education. We have to seek knowledge. We have to resolve within ourselves why Allah subhana wa taala has given us His permission and then obey to the best of our ability.

I have written about leading a group of women..marching...to Afghanistan...maybe the Taliban will marry sisters. I do believe I will get up to 50,000 sisters to march with me. Living in a cave with a husband provides more protection than living alone in a city with a million kufr men.


And then we have to look at why Believing men are intimated by the jealousy of women.
 

uniqueskates

Rabbe Zidni Illma
AssalaamuAlaikum..

And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.[Quran 4:3]


And they request from you, [O Muhammad], a [legal] ruling concerning women. Say, " Allah gives you a ruling about them and [about] what has been recited to you in the Book concerning the orphan girls to whom you do not give what is decreed for them - and [yet] you desire to marry them - and concerning the oppressed among children and that you maintain for orphans [their rights] in justice." And whatever you do of good - indeed, Allah is ever Knowing of it.[Qur'an 4:127]

My doubt here is. When Allah(SWT) knows men wouldn't ever be able to do justice. Then why is polygyny allowed by HIM(SWT).?
Forgive my ignorance. Am just trying to get a better understanding of Quran.
Anybody?
 

islamerica

1 Ummah under God
AssalaamuAlaikum..

And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.[Quran 4:3]


And they request from you, [O Muhammad], a [legal] ruling concerning women. Say, " Allah gives you a ruling about them and [about] what has been recited to you in the Book concerning the orphan girls to whom you do not give what is decreed for them - and [yet] you desire to marry them - and concerning the oppressed among children and that you maintain for orphans [their rights] in justice." And whatever you do of good - indeed, Allah is ever Knowing of it.[Qur'an 4:127]

My doubt here is. When Allah(SWT) knows men wouldn't ever be able to do justice. Then why is polygyny allowed by HIM(SWT).?
Forgive my ignorance. Am just trying to get a better understanding of Quran.
Anybody
?


wa-alaikum as-salaam

As the Quran indicates (4:3), the issue of polygamy in Islam is understood in the light of community obligations towards orphans and widows. Islam, as a universal religion that is suitable for all times and places, can not ignore these compelling obligations.

Also, Islamic polygamy addresses the social problems of prostitution and extramarital affairs common in the West. The number of women in the world exceeds that of men. In addition, surplus of women who are not financially maintained by a husband is a cause of increased prostitution in the society. Furthermore, the problem of the unbalanced sex ratios can worsen during times of war. Polygamy is an alternative to divorce in case of some marital problems. Men and women differ in their desire for sexual variety and needs. There is a universal biological constraint in male and female reproduction. A woman’s reproductive capacity declines after her 20s and ends with menopause, but even a man in his 70s retains the ability to father children. Moreover, Islam prohibits sexual relations during a woman’s monthly cycles. Therefore, the prolonged menstrual period of the woman which prevents the husband from having sex with her, or a man whose sexual urge is not satisfied by one wife, may marry another. Institutional polygamy controls the spread of sexually transmitted diseases like Herpes and AIDS.

Summarized from http://www.islamreligion.com/articles/328/
 

Hard Rock Moslem

I'm your brother
AssalaamuAlaikum..

And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.[Quran 4:3]


And they request from you, [O Muhammad], a [legal] ruling concerning women. Say, " Allah gives you a ruling about them and [about] what has been recited to you in the Book concerning the orphan girls to whom you do not give what is decreed for them - and [yet] you desire to marry them - and concerning the oppressed among children and that you maintain for orphans [their rights] in justice." And whatever you do of good - indeed, Allah is ever Knowing of it.[Qur'an 4:127]

My doubt here is. When Allah(SWT) knows men wouldn't ever be able to do justice. Then why is polygyny allowed by HIM(SWT).?
Forgive my ignorance. Am just trying to get a better understanding of Quran.
Anybody?

Wa'alaikumusalam brother. I already explained, not being able to do justice to all wives in term of love and attention. Simple anology wil be, if you have 5 kids, certainly the youngest from the 5 will receive more attention from the parents. Likewise, younger and more attractive or probably sexy wife will receive more attention from the husband than the already old aged wife (wives).
 

Hard Rock Moslem

I'm your brother
Sister Aapa,

You are strange. No women so far that I know ever condone polygyny. My wife will not even touch that subject. Some women with knowledge, like you, they are not against polygyny but they are having phobia because normally the husbands do have tendency to neglect the first wife and spend most of his time with his sweet young wife. My father-in-law is a good example but he is not Muslim. But there are Muslims too known to me personally. The husband come to her house only once in blue moon. Can you imagine the stress gone through by these poor women? Likewise other women. So it is not surprising polygyny is a sensitive issue to my wife. So I will avoid this topic with her. You have to agree with me, today's believing men are not those people of Salafs, we are weak, I'm weak. Perhaps only scholars should practice polygyny provided he is not weak.
 

uniqueskates

Rabbe Zidni Illma
wa-alaikum as-salaam

As the Quran indicates (4:3), the issue of polygamy in Islam is understood in the light of community obligations towards orphans and widows. Islam, as a universal religion that is suitable for all times and places, can not ignore these compelling obligations.

Also, Islamic polygamy addresses the social problems of prostitution and extramarital affairs common in the West. The number of women in the world exceeds that of men. In addition, surplus of women who are not financially maintained by a husband is a cause of increased prostitution in the society. Furthermore, the problem of the unbalanced sex ratios can worsen during times of war. Polygamy is an alternative to divorce in case of some marital problems. Men and women differ in their desire for sexual variety and needs. There is a universal biological constraint in male and female reproduction. A woman’s reproductive capacity declines after her 20s and ends with menopause, but even a man in his 70s retains the ability to father children. Moreover, Islam prohibits sexual relations during a woman’s monthly cycles. Therefore, the prolonged menstrual period of the woman which prevents the husband from having sex with her, or a man whose sexual urge is not satisfied by one wife, may marry another. Institutional polygamy controls the spread of sexually transmitted diseases like Herpes and AIDS.

JazakAllah Khair sister. :) I understand it better now.

Brother Hard Rock -
Yes. I do get what you told brother, that we will never be able to do justice and drift towards the younger one.
But my question was why is polygamy still allowed when Allah(SWT) tells we will never be able to do justice. You get my question brother?
And i guess I understood it now. :)
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

Brother Hard Rock Muslim,

A man has to be just. It took almost two decades of learning for me to change my view. Most of you are not that old. It took time to understand that there are practical aspects of marriage. The business of marriage. The protection of marriage. It took reading and more reading. It took time to talk to women who are second wives and women who wish to become second wives.

It also took the reality of facing a life alone. I do not foresee marriage for myself. I guess the words spoken to me by the married sisters of InshaAllah, have sunk in. I am making plans on how I am going to spend my life as my sons are preparing to go into the world. I am fully alive and full of energy.

Given that I see how many sisters are alone. I see the struggles that they have to endure. And I am full of amazement that they do not give up on the faith. There are single Muslim women raising Muslim children, to Love and Obey Allah.

Education in terms of the faith is the key to helping the married sisters understand that they do not have to be insecure. Insecurity comes from lack of knowledge. Now, I am not advocating that there be absolute laws for mutliple wives. But our masjids and imams do need to educate the congregations on the benefits of polygamy to society as a whole. I am not talking about sex. I am looking at a more economic and social picture.

When we have discussion there always arises the jealousy and insecurity of the one wife. But that is the individual choice. And once again, I recommended that once a woman is educated the insecurity dissipates. It boils down to trust. It boils down to reducing marriage to a very physical level of existence. I need you next to me 24/7 is immaturity. It also limits the varied and beautiful aspects of Love.

I fully love my sons. I was truly blessed. They are miracles. However, they are two very different beings. Do I love one more than the other. No. Am I just to them. Yes. Will I ever love one more than the other, no. What makes me the happiest in life? To be blessed enough to be in their presence and watch them interact. A

I have to let them go to live their lives. Will the fact that they are moving on to other aspects of their lives change the love they have for me, no. Love can not be contained nor can love be dictated. I know I sound like a hippy but love is free. We find the most freedom in obeying Allah.

I will stop.
 

Min-Fadhli-Rabii

Junior Member
This is from one sister, which I think she is talking facts and make a lot of sense to me and good advice.

''I think a sister should answer for obvious reasons. I personally wouldnt like it if my husband married again as i think life is complicated enough already, and i wouldnt want to compromise on time and finances. Can you make allowances like split your time, finances, responsibility, do 2 bits of errands and work overtime etc? I know a man who is RUN OFF HIS FEET as he married twice, he is always broke and is quite stingy now and the kids from the 2nd wife start arguing with their half bros and sis as they get more money, dont even get me started on the wives!.

I guess if you want a 'challenge' and your wife agrees then go for it but you'll have to make sacrifices in terms of finance responsibility and time, if you have plenty of these it could be a good choice but if you dont it would be totally naive and rather immature to think you will have 2 lots of dinners to eat and 2 beds to sleep in without contemplating the other realities involved.''
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

In terms of the response from the sister. One she is not the wife. She knows of a relationship. Second, she does not want to compromise. That is her choice.
 

islamerica

1 Ummah under God
Some of you are thinking in terms of duniya only. Yes, more wives mean more expenses. This is why the kuffars are not having more kids, it means more mouths to feed and clothe. But we Muslims do not think that way. We know that rizk is from Allah alone and we all come to this duniya with our own share of rizk. When we re in the wombs of our mother, our rizk is declared and written down before we are even born. So more wives or kids will not take your rizk away from you, rather they have their own rizk they bring and Allah will increase your means of earning so they can get their rizk through you. This reminds me of a beautiful hadith I read a while back. A poor man came to the Prophet (pbuh) stating his condition and was commanded to get married. He did but his situation did not change so he came again with same complaint and was advised to marry again and so he did, but it still didn't change his condition and he came again and again he was advised to get married. After his third marriage, his condition began to change and things started to look up. Each wive brought their own rizk, the third one was probably more blessed and brought enough blessings that everyone was happy.

Regarding doing justice to the wives and treating them equally. It seems you had a negative impact on you brother Hard Rock Moslem. Just because you have seen injustice does not mean that is the norm. A man's heart may incline more to one of them than the other. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire” [al-Nisa’ 4:129]

An yet Allah still allowed polygyny stating if you can be just to them. Islam requires the man who has more than one wife to treat his wives equally and fairly. What is meant by that is fairness with regard to spending the night, accommodation, spending and clothing.

Al-Shaafa’i said: The Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah and the view of most of the Muslim scholars indicate that the man must divide his time, night and day, among his wives, and must divide it equally, and that he is not allowed to be unfair in that.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to treat them equally as regards staying the night, spending time with them and spending on them.

Ahmad said – concerning a man who had two wives – he has the right to give one more than the other with regard to spending, desire and clothing, if the other has enough, and he may buy a finer garment for her, so long as the other has enough. This is because it is too difficult to treat them equally with regard to all these matters, and if it were made obligatory he would not be able to do it, except with great difficulty. This is why it is not obligatory, such as treating them equally with regard to intercourse.

Al-Nawawi said: Our companions said: If he treats them equally (in the matters where that is required), he does not have to treat them equally with regard to intercourse, rather he should stay overnight with all of them but he does not have to have intercourse with each of them. He may have intercourse with some of them when it is their turn for him to stay with them and not others. But it is mustahabb for him not to neglect intimacy with some of them and to treat them all equally in this matter.


With that said, this isn't for everyone. But for those who do wish to go with it, islamic guidelines are provide on proper conduct and rights of everyone involved. Anyone who does not follow them is only putting himself in jeopardy and will be held accountable for on Judgment day. Otherwise, if someone wishes to engage in it then we should pray Allah make it easy for them as we do have a need for such in our society today, especially with the invasion and occupation of Muslim lands resulting in thousands of orphans, widows and refugees. Allah says there won't be "perfect justice" but so long as we do what is required and what is in our capability, then inshallah it well not be held against us.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

Well stated sister.

We, as Believers, realize that we have the hereafter.

So it is simple to explain to sisters that you can remove one of the burdens of insecurity if you believe in the afterlife. Your husband will be with you eternally. He ain't going anywhere. He may be stepping out for a minute. He is spending time, just a little time, with his second family. He will return.

And from a sisters point of view...some of us do not want a man who is around us 24/7. We have responsibilities and obligations. We have places to go and people to see. We do not need the full time attention. We do not need to be the wife that attends all the family functions and the this and the thats. Some sisters like simpler things. You want a quiet evening with no interruptions..have it. Share my peace.
 

Hard Rock Moslem

I'm your brother
JazakAllah Khair sister. :) I understand it better now.

Brother Hard Rock -
Yes. I do get what you told brother, that we will never be able to do justice and drift towards the younger one.
But my question was why is polygamy still allowed when Allah(SWT) tells we will never be able to do justice. You get my question brother?
And i guess I understood it now. :)

Brother,

I got your point. Why Islam allows polygyny? I think needless to explain why. Polygyny is just an option not obligation. Although it is an option but it is not free ticket, it comes with conditions.

Your confusion is since "we never be able to do justice", then why Islam allows polygyny. Pls read here:

http://www.missionislam.com/family/polygamy.htm
 

uniqueskates

Rabbe Zidni Illma
Assalaamualaikum brother

Love you brother. JazakAllah Khair for the link. Now I have a better understanding of the whole topic. :)
Sister Islamerica - JazakAllah khair. Wanted to give a rep for your post above. But unfortunately, seems like I have to spread more :D
 
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