Question on Polygamy

sistersalina

Junior Member
Salam brothers and sisters,

I would like to know, according to Islam must you let your first wife know if you would like to practice polygamy.
Please and thank you

Wassalam:blackhijab:
 

ShyHijabi

Junior Member
Here's where we find the difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. While a man may not inform his wife of his desire to marry more women, it doesn't mean that one should NOT tell her or communicate this desire. Communication is vital to a healthy marriage and I for one would be very upset if my husband married another and decided to tell me about it afterward.

Men are required to be just and kind to their wife and simply treating her like she has no opinion on such a serious matter is unkind in the extreme.
 

kayleigh

Junior Member
I agree with ShyHijabi.

While Islam doesn't specifically say you MUST tell your wife, it does say you shouldn't create disharmony in your marriage and home and you must treat your wife well. Being deceptive and disregarding your wife's feelings is the opposite of how a Muslim man should be acting. Based on this, logically, you really should be telling your first wife.
 

zainali

Junior Member
assalamualikum
islam allows a man to marry more then one wife , only if he is capable to treating them well and giving them there rightful share , if husband marries another women without informing to his first wife , it would be like not being honest to his first wife , which inturn would be like not giving the first wife her rightful share of knowledge and besides if he keeps a secret about his another wife with his first wife , i mean he has to start lying which would be wrong in islam ,

i believe a man can have more then one wife only if he has the permission from his first wife

and this sunnah has been really missused by alot of muslims , islam says for polygamy , cos when a man marries more then one wife and when he marries second wife , its cos he wants to protect her from all worldly satans and he should marry some one like a widow , or some one who is divorced , he should marry some one who is not getting her rights in this world ,

its clearly mentioned in islam that u have permission to marry more than one only if u can treat them equally and if u cant then marry only "ONE"
 

Abu Talib

Feeling low
There is no condition in Islam that tells the man to ask permission of his wife to marry another.This has been agreed by many Scholars but yes this should be not exploited.


A good question was put forward to Shiekh Salih about the feelings of a woman you can see below:

Polygamy and respecting the wife’s feelings
Polygamy...I understand what Allah (swt)has said regarding this subject in as much as the economic and importance of the family structure however where in the Quaran does it address the distressed feelings of a woman when her husband decides to take another wife, and how these two should live in harmony under one roof?

Praise be to Allaah.

The first wife’s distress when her husband marries another wife is to be expected, and Allaah has set out rules and regulations to reduce these feelings or remove them altogether, by enjoining justice, patience in the face of adversity, and so on. Whatever the case, the fact that these feelings of distress and the dislike of polygamy exist does not justify condemnation of polygamy. Islam came to serve and increase people’s best interests, and to reduce harmful things and render them ineffective. There is no doubt that polygamy, when practised properly in accordance with Islam, achieves many things that are in people’s best interests (such as maintaining the chastity of the man who is not satisfied with one wife, taking care of and maintaining the chastity of the woman who has no husband, increasing the offspring of the Muslims, solving the problem of widows and spinsters, and of the reduced numbers of men after times of war, and so on). As regards the bad things that happen in cases of polygamy, either they are very small when compared to its benefits, or they stem from bad application of this practice. One of the rights which Islam gives to women is that a wife should have her own house, so the two wives do not have to live together under one roof. And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
 

Valerie

Junior Member

Looking over this site... A few things bother me.

"In the West today, most married men have extramarital relations with mistresses, girlfriends and prostitutes. "

Most? No. Maybe if you read the news but that doesn't mean most. Generalizations are bad.

I'll be honest here, there is no way I'd stand for my husband having a second wife. I know he'd never do that, but I'm not sharing him because he refuses to be faithful to me. If he decides he just feels like sleeping with other women, bye. Divorce. I know the wives are supposed to be treated equally, but that would never happen. There's always going to be preferential treatment for one, even if it's a little.

The other thing on that site that bothers me is the first part:

"Islam did not introduce polygamy. Unrestricted polygamy was practiced in most human societies throughout the world in every age."

There's so many times I've read that Muslims shouldn't be like non-Muslims. I'm not sure why this is an exception. "It's okay because someone else did it before" doesn't seem like a really good reason.

"No woman in her right mind will give her husband permission to take a second wife. Such a condition, in fact, negates the permission given by God in the Quran."

I have to say that bothers me. God wants men to sleep with multiple women? To have more kids? To pass on genes? Seems like the women are just possessions and tools to reach a certain goal. I really hope God doesn't look at me as a female that way.
 

weakslave

Junior Member
The ruling of Allaah is there for a reason, and that means we need to step over some of the things our environment teaches us and, rather than (God forbid) criticize Allaah's ruling, contemplate it and make sense of it. Because Allaah is the Wisest of the wise, and Allaah does not do things without reason. Whatever Allaah permits for His servants is for their own good only with no negatives whatsoever, and Allaah only forbids His servants that which contains harm, no matter how little.

Meaning, in a perfect society, Islamic nation, everyone would understand this. In a corrupt society, that is not so easy to perceive.

When I tell someone in this society a story of a man who had dated twenty women over the last three years, that does not gross them out or disgust them. How can it when it is the norm? Yet when I tell that same individual of a man with 3 wives, immediately they are disgusted and appalled. Yet, ask a muslim about the former and they would be disgusted!

And Allaah knows best.
 

ShahnazZ

Striving2BeAStranger
I'll be honest here, there is no way I'd stand for my husband having a second wife. I know he'd never do that, but I'm not sharing him because he refuses to be faithful to me. If he decides he just feels like sleeping with other women, bye. Divorce. I know the wives are supposed to be treated equally, but that would never happen. There's always going to be preferential treatment for one, even if it's a little.

First of all, I seriously doubt that any woman would be happy about having to share her husband with another woman. The fact that you feel that way isn't uncommon for other women. I know I myself would definitely feel that way as well. However, you should understand that if a woman's husband DOES take on a second wife, even if she was not informed about it intially, it IS legitimate ground for her to divorce him. So acting like this ruling gives women no way out is absolutely false.

The other thing on that site that bothers me is the first part:

"Islam did not introduce polygamy. Unrestricted polygamy was practiced in most human societies throughout the world in every age."

There's so many times I've read that Muslims shouldn't be like non-Muslims. I'm not sure why this is an exception. "It's okay because someone else did it before" doesn't seem like a really good reason.

"No woman in her right mind will give her husband permission to take a second wife. Such a condition, in fact, negates the permission given by God in the Quran."

I have to say that bothers me. God wants men to sleep with multiple women? To have more kids? To pass on genes? Seems like the women are just possessions and tools to reach a certain goal. I really hope God doesn't look at me as a female that way.

I don't know where you got that "God wants men to sleep with multiple women." It seems that that's what MAN wants and not God. He doesn't say "this is what you MUST do as men." He simply says "If you're at a point where you just CAN'T control yourself, than rather than cheating on your wife, having illegitimate relations with someone and getting sinned for it, here's the way to save yourself from Hellfire." God just gives you a way of doing it legitimately if you simply MUST do it. God isn't telling men to go cheat on their wives, knock half a million women up and then deal with the aftermath of not one, but several broken families. The Creator KNOWS the nature of His Creation and He alone gets to decide what is right and what is wrong. What He has done is know the nature of His Creation, acknowledge it to the rest of us Creation, and provide us with a legitimate means of dealing with our flaws. That doesn't mean that men are encouraged to act on these flaws but if they simply find no other way out of their dilemma, to act according to Shariah law. The family unit is the cornerstone of the Ummah. Allah's Laws are implemented to maintain and keep the family intact. I doubt it would be that easy to maintain a family if the husband was sneaking around behind his wife's back.

It's up to you if you would rather just tell your husband "If you cheat on me, it's over. And I consider one of the Laws of God to be cheating". That's totally your perogative. However, I personally would go by the "If you cheat on me OR decide to get another wife, then it's over" logic. Allah has given man the permission to take on another wife, yes. But he has also given woman the right to walk if she doesn't like that as well.

There's no trap here or injustice. Wallahu Alim.
 

Valerie

Junior Member
I don't know where you got that "God wants men to sleep with multiple women." It seems that that's what MAN wants and not God. He doesn't say "this is what you MUST do as men." He simply says "If you're at a point where you just CAN'T control yourself, than rather than cheating on your wife, having illegitimate relations with someone and getting sinned for it, here's the way to save yourself from Hellfire." God just gives you a way of doing it legitimately if you simply MUST do it.

You're right, God isn't forcing them to do this. My issue is that these men shouldnt' be given a loophole because they can't control themselves. If a man cannot control himself, he deserves the punishment he receives.

I would never claim the society I live in is perfect (Far from it). Not everyone does the wrong thing . My husband was married once before, and divorced his wife because she couldn't control herself. But if the situation were reversed if he had just married another woman because of his lack of self-control, it would be okay? I can't accept that.

Sure we can point fingers and say "that person dated 20 people" but this guy legally married 3 women. Neither is right to me. A man with so little self control (in EITHER case) shouldn't be the one in charge of any woman, because he can't even make himself do the right thing.

Now does this mean all Muslim men are like this? Absolutely not. I have no doubt in my mind that there are wonderful men who are loving, dedicated husbands and fathers. At the same time, there are people in a society where dating is allowed, that are the same way. Again, generalizations are bad (this isn't directed at the person I quoted, I'm just talking here) :)

No society should glorify lack of self control. I'm disgusted with the society I live in because of it, but I can't accept another with the same problems.

And I'm not questioning God, because God doesn't force anyone to do anything, but I don't think God should be given the blame for this behavior either.
 

ShahnazZ

Striving2BeAStranger
You're right, God isn't forcing them to do this. My issue is that these men shouldnt' be given a loophole because they can't control themselves. If a man cannot control himself, he deserves the punishment he receives.

I would never claim the society I live in is perfect (Far from it). Not everyone does the wrong thing . My husband was married once before, and divorced his wife because she couldn't control herself. But if the situation were reversed if he had just married another woman because of his lack of self-control, it would be okay? I can't accept that.

Sure we can point fingers and say "that person dated 20 people" but this guy legally married 3 women. Neither is right to me. A man with so little self control (in EITHER case) shouldn't be the one in charge of any woman, because he can't even make himself do the right thing.

No society should glorify lack of self control. I'm disgusted with the society I live in because of it, but I can't accept another with the same problems.

And I'm not questioning God, because God doesn't force anyone to do anything, but I don't think God should be given the blame for this behavior either.

Despite whether they should be given loopholes or not, this IS how they've been created and for the Creator to not give loopholes to the Creation HE Created, would be doing an injustice to the Creation itself. He knows us, our habits, and our flaws best and He has given us the means of dealing with them. We can't question Him on how He created us. That's completely pointless. We can just accept our flaws and decide where to go from there. If we're God-fearing people, we will follow His Commands on the subject. If we're not....well then go out into mainstream society and take a look around you.

Remember that Allah did not create us to be perfect. Yes, God's Creation as a WHOLE is perfect because He is perfect but we are not at His Level and as a result we individuals are not perfect. The type of man that you are talking about that can control his every single emotion is perfect and that simply doesn't exist. Man is given Commands because he isn't perfect. Therefore, not giving him any is basically just leaving him lost in the wilderness and doing him injustice.

I'll give you a really messy example lol (and I don't blame you if you don't read this because I'm sure it won't make sense the first time.)

Imagine yourself giving directions to a group of travelers coming from different places. You know that they all come from different places and have different outlooks on life but they all share the same common goal: getting to the same destination. Now for some, you know that they will encounter a forest of thorns in their path to the destination because everyone's taking a different path. Are you going to provide them with the adequate means of making it through that forest, KNOWING that they will come out alive on the other side? Or are you simply going to leave them to their own vices, knowing that they're inexperienced when it comes to taking this route and they could possibly do something to endanger their own lives? Simply saying, "they better not do this!" isn't going to get you anywhere because you know that everyone's different and not everyone will follow your exact instructions to a T. Likewise, punishing them for it doesn't make sense if you didn't do your own part to tell them how to get themselves out of the situation. It's another thing entirely if you tell them and they don't listen to you. THEN, they deserve what they get. But denying them their knowledge of survival and then punishing them for it is simply unjust. Your love and care for them is what is enabling you to give them the proper instructions to ensure their own safety as well as the welfare of those that love them because naturally, if one individual perishes, his loved ones will always suffer or be in pain.

My point?

The Creator loves His Creation and thus He gives us Commands and ways out of our suffering.

Why do we suffer? Because we're not perfect.

Why aren't we perfect? Ask the Creator.
 

arzafar

Junior Member
firstly, if a woman doesnt feel she can 'share' her husband or be part of a polygamous marriage then she should say that at time of the marriage contract. if the husband marries this woman then he has to fulfill the conditions of the marriage contract. As soon as he weds another the first contract is annulled an the woman is divorced automatically.
there are no loop holes only if people knew their religion. that's why seeking knowledge is obligatory.

secondly just as not all men want >1 wives, not all women hate a polygamous setup. ALL generalizations are bad!
Some women can be very happy in polygamous marriages. If two or more sisters can share a single dad and still love him, i don't see why it's not possible that two or more women can share a husband and still love him. There is jealousy amongst siblings too yet i havent heard any girl tell her dad that he better not produce another sister.

So polygamy is a complete non-issue as far as im concerned.
 

Asja

Pearl of Islaam
:salam2:

I think it is just and from kindness that wife be asked and informed from her husband about second wife. Islaam asks of us to be just, especialy husband towerd his wife.If the first wife is not informed or did not gave her approvel for second marriage, her husband did not satisfy condition, better say one of the most important conditions "JUSTICE" and "EQUALITY". Moral norm is also part of one law.

There are personal laws(familly law) that are alowing for wife to name some conditions in marriage contract, like for example if wife requries that if her husband marries with other woman(second wife), she will get right on divorce, becouse contract is valid and condition worthy. This condition is not worthless.

If you have knowledge about the law which is applyed on you, esspecially if it is the case with Shariah law, than it is very easy to notice that your rights and feelings are protected and respected.

And Allah and His Messanger s.a.w.s know the best.

:wasalam:
 

ShyHijabi

Junior Member
Asalaam aleakum,

I see a lot a flawed reasoning here when it comes to polygyny. It seems people think polygyny is about allowing men to marry more than one woman because he is lusting after her. The Quran clearly states for men to lower their gaze so I don't get this "well men were created this way so that's why they can marry more than one." The Quran also clearly states that if a man cannot be just to more than one wife then he should only marry one. Nothing about desire but rather justice....so polygyny is addressed in non-physical terms. So no...one can't gaze at another woman with desire (while married no less!!) and say...hmmm I think I'll add her to my collection. That is not what polygyny is about and not why it is allowed.

Polygyny is a means of protecting women who are in war-torn areas who need it. And anyways, we need to worry more about marrying our single guys first because too many of them are single for too long due to ridiculous demands of mahr and wedding costs. Until we deal with that matter why don't we shelf the polygyny discussion in the meantime?
 

Muhammad_fajr

New Member
Assalam Alaykum Dear All


Shaykh Sa’d al-Humayd Saied :

There is no hadeeth which states that, and it is not conditional for the husband to have his wife’s permission to take another wife. But it is in everyone’s interests for him to try to get her consent, because this will help to reduce problems in the marriage.



Then there is Nothing IF the husband married without Her Wife knowledge, , but he must Justice between them.

Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen Was Asked about a man who died and left a wife and children, and after his death the wife and family Known that he was married to another woman for several years, without the knowledge of the first wife and children; Is it a sin to hide the news of his marriage to his wife?


he replied: "there is No sin to hide his married form this woman,But he must announce the marriage Due to that's Order of the Prophet :saw: (may Allah bless him and his family ) to do so. If the marriage is declared as if it was a marriage in another village, and announced in the village, it is sufficient, even He hide that on his first wife and family "

End quote.

"Fataawa Noor ‘ala al-Darb (Light on the Way)" (10/261)

Ur Br in islam Muhammed
 

Valerie

Junior Member
Best of luck to you guys but me going back and forth with anyone on this topic is pointless.

You can protect someone without marrying them. I never said that all women hate their husbands marrying more than one woman. I said I would hate it. Generalizations are bad, but so are assumptions. Comparing two daughters of a single dad (or even adding siblings to a family) is a VERY different thing than two wives sharing a husband. If the difference isn't obvious, I'm not going to explain it.
 

Asja

Pearl of Islaam
Best of luck to you guys but me going back and forth with anyone on this topic is pointless.

You can protect someone without marrying them. I never said that all women hate their husbands marrying more than one woman. I said I would hate it. Generalizations are bad, but so are assumptions. Comparing two daughters of a single dad (or even adding siblings to a family) is a VERY different thing than two wives sharing a husband. If the difference isn't obvious, I'm not going to explain it.

Assalamu Allaicum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

Dear Valerie please have patient InshAllah esspecialy in seeking knowledge and clearing the things you do not understand. If you do not agree for example with subjective opinion which is related with the subject "Polygamy", it does not mean you should not try to find answers and better understanding of the same subject explained completaly in Quran and Sunnah.

You must not forget that ayah which allowes polygamy was revealed after the battle of Uhud in which many Muslim man have lost their lifes. A large number of orphans fell at the expense of the poor and helpless widows. Therefore it is recomended to Muslim man to marry those widows if they are going to be just towared them and the orphans. It must not be forgot that this ayah has been revealed in these conditions and that on some way has been the way of social care.

And if ye fear that ye will not deal fairly by the orphans, marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hands possess. Thus it is more likely that ye will not do injustice. (An-Nisa, 3).


In this ayah has mentioned that one should be equal toward his wifes and if he fears he can not accomplish that equality than he should marry only one wife. And Allah knows the best.

Islam (Islamic law) respects rights and feelings both of Muslim man and Muslim woman. Just like husband has the right to say "yes I want to marry one wife more" the wife has also right to sa "no, I dont agrree with the same". Family law allows you to put conditions in your marriage contract so if one has the knowledge he will use it on the best way he can and on the best way which makes him to be pleased.

Dear Valerie if you would not like your husband to marry second wife than you have all the right to not accept it and you can explain him your reasons. If he respects you than he will respect your feelings and opinion, and this is also one of the basic things that succesfull Muslim marriage requires.

Allah is The Most Just and Wise and His law is just and perfect Allhamdullilah and only those who seek knowledge and have patient can understand it.

InshAllah Valerie try to have patient and seek knowledge from knowledgable people and always ask what you do not understand and never be pleased only with one answer but always seek for the better.

And Allah knows the best.

May Allah guide us all.Ameen

Wa Allaicumu Sallam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu
 

arzafar

Junior Member
(from islamqa)

The ruling on plural marriage in Islam:

The shar’i text which permits plural marriage is:

Allaah says in His Holy Book (interpretation of the meaning):

“And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”

[al-Nisa’ 4:3]

This is a Qur’aanic text which shows that plural marriage is allowed. According to Islamic sharee’ah, a man is permitted to marry one, two, three or four wives, in the sense that he may have this number of wives at one time. It is not permissible for him to have more than four. This was stated by the mufassireen (commentators on the Qur’aan) and fuqaha’ (jurists), and there is consensus among the Muslims on this point, with no differing opinions.

It should be noted that there are conditions attached to plural marriage:

1 – Justice or fairness.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one”

[al-Nisa’ 4:3]

This aayah is indicates that just treatment is a condition for plural marriage to be permitted. If a man is afraid that he will not be able to treat his wives justly if he marries more than one, then it is forbidden for him to marry more than one. What is meant by the justice that is required in order for a man to be permitted to have more than one wife is that he should treat his wives equally in terms of spending, clothing, spending the night with them and other material things that are under his control.

With regard to justice or fairness in terms of love, he is not held accountable for that, and that is not required of him because he has no control over that. This is what is meant by the verse,

“You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire”

[al-Nisa’ 4:129 – interpretation of the meaning].

2 – The ability to spend on one’s wives:

The evidence for this condition is the verse:

“And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allaah enriches them of His Bounty”

[al-Noor 24:33 – interpretation of the meaning]

In this verse Allaah commands those who are able to get married but cannot find the financial means, to remain chaste. One such example is not having enough money to pay the mahr (dowry) and not being able to spend on one’s wife. (al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah, part 6, p. 286).

There are no other conditions.
no wars, no widows or other special circumstances required to marry more than 1 wife.

Now verse 129 shown in bold below

If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men's souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practise self-restraint, Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do. (128)
Ye are never able to do justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding and practise self-restraint, Allah is Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful. (129)
But if they disagree (and must part) Allah will provide abundance for all from His all-reaching bounty: for Allah is He Who careth for all and is Wise. (130)

has a completely different context and doesnt even refer to polygamy. In the fatwa the shiekh gives another interpretation but even that doesnt deliver the meaning that is commonly associated to it. no so let's not play scrabble with the quran.

However, i can fully understand why people today generally dislike polygamy. It's something different and we aren't used to it. Till about 50-100 years ago polygny was an accepted norm and i can bet my life that 50-100 years from now polygny will be the norm again; the economics will demand it.

the economics of the industrial revolution demanded more workers and that's what brought women out of their homes in large numbers. It wasn't a movement or anything, it was basic economics. there was demand; a need for cheap labor and many poverty stricken women provided that. They worked long hours in horrendous conditions. The feminist movement came in much later when all the ground work had been laid and another 'excuse' was needed to bring more women to the work place. Nowadays women are expected to earn, working conditions have improved immensely and women have become independent hence the look of disgust towards polygamy in all industrilaized societies. Unfortunately, some people have come to believe that things will continue in this manner but they will be disappointed in the coming decades. Anyway even today in many developing countries (muslim and non muslim alike) where poverty and unemployment is high, polygamy is the norm; wonder why?

So i salute the sisters who accept Islam and all it's rulings for all times (past and future) and are not swayed by the disinformation around them in the present age of deception. Once the industrial age is over, we will be back to the future and polygny will once again become the norm. There will be very few jobs for women and men will resume their traditional role of protectors and maintainers as they have been doing since Adam (as). Naturally polygny will become accepted once again. The economics of the future will demand it!

Interestingly enough the main condition for marriage in Islam is that the economics of the man must allow him to maintain the wife and her children.
 
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