Revert marriage issue

[dpa9966]

Salaam brothers and sisters. I'm a white 34 year old who reverted last year and married a Pakistani woman in March of this year. We had known each other for a couple of years previously and she helped me a great deal to find the path. Her deen used to be very strong, salah 5 times a day, modest dress etc. However, just before I converted she stopped wearing the hijab and stopped praying and wears clothes that are not appropriate for a muslim wife. Now, the stronger my faith becomes, the more it is becoming an issue. Her parents and sisters are practising muslims and have been a great source of support for me as I find my way; her father especially has taken to his role as a mentor!
I have tried talking with my wife about her faith and encouraged her to return to salah at least but she refuses. She still believes in Allah and Islam but at the same time I feel she takes her faith for granted.
This is not a general marriage issue - I've been married before to a non-muslim but I have different expectations of a muslim wife.
Has anyone else been a similar situation? Can anyone offer any advice?

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Brother you are the man of the household. She needs a gentle reminder. I pray the brothers will give you gentle advice.

Have you had a serious conversation with her. She seems to be young. Have you been able to communicate to her that she was the gateway to Islam. Now you have a partner to walk the journey striving for jannath together. Please let her know that there is many a woman who would be in heaven if she had a husband whose intentions are as pure as yours. As you have embraced Islam convey to her that you are serious. You wish her to wear hijab and follow the commands of her husband which are more important than that of the duyna.
The trouble is this will become a marriage issue should you not come to a common understanding of the rules of marriage. Please seek the cousneling of your father in law. He seems to be a man of knowledge and love.

 

[Bawar]

Assalamu alaikum brother and welcome to TTI

 

[abu turaab]

:salam2:!...brother as you said that just before you accepted islam..she stopped wearing hijab and offering salah...now if you want the solution you must have the answer to why did she stop doing hijab and salah?...if she abandoned suddendly and abruptly then its not a good indication specialy when she was doing so good previously....it shows that there could possibly be the reason that actualy she wanted to marry you and for that she had to pose her a good muslim to make you inclind towards islam!!...after you accepted islam and when both of you were going to marry eachother!... now for her your not going anywhere so she finds least interest in matters with her commitment to ALLAH (s.w.t.) and this analysis gets confirmed if she has no regret for losing her previous way!!..because Prophet(P.B.U.H.) said that...."if you commit a sin and then feel (or consider) it bad in your heart..means that your a believer"!!...otherwise!!!!...
brother you need to talk to her with love and concern...let her open her heart to you...once it does!..listen to her attentively...let her to say....more to much to everthing..and then suggest the solution or remedy to her!!
May ALLAH increase both of you in guidence and love!!...Aameen!!!

 

[nobbyv]

Assalamualaikum dear brother,

Welcome to this site...and InshaAllah, it will be beneficial for you...

About your wife, I would suggest the following:

1) Make dua to ALLAH, ask HIM...HE will definitely strengthen her.
2) Have regular conversations with her and include her family members too. Ask suggestions from her dad and other family members who know how to deal with her.
3) Involve in Islamic activities and communities...being with other muslim sisters might bring about a change in her
4) Don't look hope...this might be a test for you...InshaAllah, be patient and Allah will give you victory.

Walaikum assalam...

 

[Almeftah]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

I'v been through a similar situation with my ex-wife.. all i can say is try your best with her and the rest is up to Allah swt.

 

[dpa9966]

Thanks for the advice brothers. It's a tricky one, I know. I don't want her to just adopt the outward image of a muslimah, it has be honest and deeply felt. As has been pointed out, I need to pray for Allah to strengthen her deen and try talking again.

 

[Almeftah]

Thanks for the advice brothers. It's a tricky one, I know. I don't want her to just adopt the outward image of a muslimah, it has be honest and deeply felt. As has been pointed out, I need to pray for Allah to strengthen her deen and try talking again.

I dont much agree with that..

The outward image of a muslimah can have great positive effect on her, since Hijab and so may keep her from drifting away to the Fitnah of all the false pleasures of this life..

Just like when a man grows a beard and people look at him as a pious muslim man when actually he is not.. that could effect his heart and make it hard for him to do something that may scratch that image. which may cause him to become a real pious muslim man.

After all, Allah only looks at our hearts not our looks, and since the looks has this deep effect on us, It would be a good thing to use it for our benefit.

What i'm saying is, The change of looks may lead to the change of hearts.

 

[dpa9966]

Salaam BoMeshery, thanks for your view. I agree with you about the importance of adopting outward signs of faith but if an individual feels as though they are forced upon her/him it may lead to resentment towards Islam rather than strengthening their faith. I'm new to this so I may be wrong however!!!!!!

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Brother you are not wrong. We, women have it hard in a sense. When you wear hijab you become a misfit. It takes away your individual identity. For some it makes them feel very old. You are no longer a woman but " a Hijabi" and in western society it becomes a barrier to society. It intensifies the isolation that many Muslims feel living in small communities. It certainly limits the places you visit. You have to behave in a modest manner at all times.
Socially, many will not talk to you because you become other. Stupid things like social gatherings and parties..you will not be invited..you are other.
We women are social butterflies...and this one act redefines our world. What we get in return is so much more but it takes time to adjust.
Hope this gives you a little insight.

 

[dianek]

Mirajmom you are so right with that, it is the biggest reason why IF I come back to feeling the faith I don't think Hijab is something I could ever do. However, in his issue, his wife were hijab BEFORE, so it isn't new to her. She is accustomed to it already.....Maybe marrying a western man she thought it would not be something he would care if she did or not and that was the attraction for her...well part of it....less strict person in the muslim ways.

 

[Mahzala]

Salaam,

Brother you are not wrong. We, women have it hard in a sense. When you wear hijab you become a misfit. It takes away your individual identity. For some it makes them feel very old. You are no longer a woman but " a Hijabi" and in western society it becomes a barrier to society. It intensifies the isolation that many Muslims feel living in small communities. It certainly limits the places you visit. You have to behave in a modest manner at all times.
Socially, many will not talk to you because you become other. Stupid things like social gatherings and parties..you will not be invited..you are other.
We women are social butterflies...and this one act redefines our world. What we get in return is so much more but it takes time to adjust.
Hope this gives you a little insight.

Assalamualaikum



You are very right Dear Aapa. I agree with you whole heartedly. The way you talk, you just dont waste a word. I love it. Really..

Its quite true. We become an 'other'. The hardest bit is the way you are judged. But then when people really get to know you, they are stunned. There are some who just dont budge, and then there are some who are so sweet. For example, in my first year of university, I never approached anyone. People looked at me weirdly and all, but among some were very nice people,with whom I now have a very close bond.

Although, I have never felt the way you have put it Dear Aapa, it now makes me realise how it really is in contemporary society. How we are really looked at. I have felt the isolation, but never cared. But just the way you explained it made me think. Not that I will ever change the way I am. My Hijaab is always a part of me, its my identity, without it I am nothing. Some people look at me with respect, some dont, but that doesnt matter. What does, is obedience to My Lord. And I pray for every Muslimah to show her 'real' identity without being reluctant and without shame. Aameen.

I will now leave you in the care of Allah the Almighty Creator of the Heavens and the Earth. May He shower His Mercy on us. Aameen.

Assalamualaikum

 

[dpa9966]

Thanks you sisters for your comments - it's good to get a female perspective. I would never instruct her to wear the hijab - for me it is a personal choice as you have mentioned. I think the whole issue, and one that many muslims born into the faith have told me about, is that she takes her faith for granted having been surrounded by it her entire life. For me, fresh to Islam and full of curisosity, it is a unique gift and one that, inshallah, I will never take for granted.
In terms of strictness, I think one of the ironies of reversion is that we may be more strict, being keen to try and follow all instructions!

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

It is not that reverts are strict...it is that they have had to battle to come to the realization that the Truth is what they wish for themselves. As you become more comfortable in the faith and practice it..make your home Muslim at its core she will come around, Insha'Allah.

Dear sister; I don't waste words because I am old!!!! Wasted too much of my life earlier..that's how I got wise.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

PS: Sister DianeK...we all have droughts and eventually we get a deluge. Keep the faith and I will make dua for you as will everyone else...you ain;t gone baby...you are still with us.