To Coupe with Separation- Bring family together again

[suhailq]

I'm marries with two sons 10 and 4 years, living in Middle East for last 7 years. My wife is a doctor and always wanted to study further. I always supported her with this and she's has been trying to get her MRCOG membership but could not clear the exam. So the options before her were to go for a 6 months PG diploma or a 3 years MD in India away from her family. I tried my best to persuade her for the 6 months diploma as it would be easier for the whole family to coupe. But she insisted for the 3 years MD (+3 year registrarship) and we used to have a fight every day. I decided that if she wants to go, let her go with a heavy heart. I even paid partly for her donation and her father also pooled in.

My elder son stayed with me and she left for India and next year her course is beginning. This separation has been shocking for me and I'm sure she's also missing me and her elder son. Initially it was fine, but as days passed her separation has made me unstable. I feel bad about our split family and it's also bad for our children. The elder one who is with me is missing her mother and younger one is missing his father. I don't know how we'll all survive for 6years like a split family.

Please advise what should I do. Our family is suffering and even she's not happy, but adamant to continue.
As a muslim father and a husband what should I do to put my family together again and end this grief. I feel so bad and even started fighting with my wife over the phone and make her feel guilty and responsible for this situation.

Regards..please advise

 

[GAZIJA]

I'm marries with two sons 10 and 4 years, living in Middle East for last 7 years. My wife is a doctor and always wanted to study further. I always supported her with this and she's has been trying to get her MRCOG membership but could not clear the exam. So the options before her were to go for a 6 months PG diploma or a 3 years MD in India away from her family. I tried my best to persuade her for the 6 months diploma as it would be easier for the whole family to coupe. But she insisted for the 3 years MD (+3 year registrarship) and we used to have a fight every day. I decided that if she wants to go, let her go with a heavy heart. I even paid partly for her donation and her father also pooled in.

My elder son stayed with me and she left for India and next year her course is beginning. This separation has been shocking for me and I'm sure she's also missing me and her elder son. Initially it was fine, but as days passed her separation has made me unstable. I feel bad about our split family and it's also bad for our children. The elder one who is with me is missing her mother and younger one is missing his father. I don't know how we'll all survive for 6years like a split family.

Please advise what should I do. Our family is suffering and even she's not happy, but adamant to continue.
As a muslim father and a husband what should I do to put my family together again and end this grief. I feel so bad and even started fighting with my wife over the phone and make her feel guilty and responsible for this situation.

Regards..please advise

Assalamu Aleikum dear brother,
indeed you situation is hard, but is the situation you and your wife chosed to be in. There is a solution to every problem, also to this one. The way I see it you wife really does not care about anything else but about herself. There is nothing wrong to get education and if we had more so persistent muslims, we would not be in the situation we are in. But your wife(if she is a muslimah) is making a mistake by leaving for 6years just to have benefits of this wordly life.

This is what I would do, knowing myself; I would work on it and maybe give her time to realize mistake she made. I do not know if you can move ther too or not?? If she realy wants to get her degree, when there are other choises, and make family sufer because of her embitions, I would start to look for other wife. Wife or husband which puts his/her career before the family and makes family sufer is not worth keeping.

wasalam

 

[suhailq]

Assalamu Aleikum dear brother,
indeed you situation is hard, but is the situation you and your wife chosed to be in. There is a solution to every problem, also to this one. The way I see it you wife really does not care about anything else but about herself. There is nothing wrong to get education and if we had more so persistent muslims, we would not be in the situation we are in. But your wife(if she is a muslimah) is making a mistake by leaving for 6years just to have benefits of this wordly life.

This is what I would do, knowing myself; I would work on it and maybe give her time to realize mistake she made. I do not know if you can move ther too or not?? If she realy wants to get her degree, when there are other choises, and make family sufer because of her embitions, I would start to look for other wife. Wife or husband which puts his/her career before the family and makes family sufer is not worth keeping.

wasalam

Its not possible for me to move there, as I've a good job here and I've to provide for the whole family. I've always worked hard for my family and why God choose this for me. She expects me to behave normally with the hope I find a job there. I'm hate women....now, you get hurt when someone you love so much does this to you afer 10 years of marriage. But she's blinded and thinks this is the best course of action, as she must get her specialization at any cost, otherwise at latter age it'll be difficult for her...

 

[GAZIJA]

Its not possible for me to move there, as I've a good job here and I've to provide for the whole family. I've always worked hard for my family and why God choose this for me. She expects me to behave normally with the hope I find a job there. I'm hate women....now, you get hurt when someone you love so much does this to you afer 10 years of marriage. But she's blinded and thinks this is the best course of action, as she must get her specialization at any cost, otherwise at latter age it'll be difficult for her...

Hmm, make dua to Allah subhanehu weteala, since everithing is in his hands. Why God choose this for you is to test you brother and see what you going to do. You have to pray, that he guides her and gives her better understanding. There is no need for you to hate women. Muslim is not supposed to hate, but pray and forgive. Do not lert sheitan to makes you miserable and sad.
The last resort should be devorce. InshAllah everithing will be ok. Ask your family to help you, to persued her to think about you and the children first.

wasalam

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Dear brother..prayer is the medicine we need. Pray and we, Insha'Allah will pray for you.

I can not make a judgment on your wife. I can only say why not unite the boys with you. She needs to devote time to her work,, this is the choice. You can devote time to raising your sons and making them into stronger Muslim men.

If you feel lonely there is the option of a second wife. A woman who would love your sons, provide you with the comfort of a wife, and a woman who would humble herself to another wife. A pious Muslim woman.

your Sister in Islam.

 

[suhailq]

Salaam,

Dear brother..prayer is the medicine we need. Pray and we, Insha'Allah will pray for you.

I can not make a judgment on your wife. I can only say why not unite the boys with you. She needs to devote time to her work,, this is the choice. You can devote time to raising your sons and making them into stronger Muslim men.

If you feel lonely there is the option of a second wife. A woman who would love your sons, provide you with the comfort of a wife, and a woman who would humble herself to another wife. A pious Muslim woman.

your Sister in Islam.

Dear Sister
Thanks for your reply. Its hard to find such a pious women in todays world, its easier said than done. But Inshalla I'll devote myself into prayers as a healing mechanism and raising my son and thinking positive. But you must face the fact that Coping with separation can be one of the hardest experiences life hands us. Please do pray for me

your brother in Islam

 

[suhailq]

Salaam,

Dear brother..prayer is the medicine we need. Pray and we, Insha'Allah will pray for you.

I can not make a judgment on your wife. I can only say why not unite the boys with you. She needs to devote time to her work,, this is the choice. You can devote time to raising your sons and making them into stronger Muslim men.

If you feel lonely there is the option of a second wife. A woman who would love your sons, provide you with the comfort of a wife, and a woman who would humble herself to another wife. A pious Muslim woman.

your Sister in Islam.

Thanks for your words of advise. I believe she's a good person by heart and I'll handle the situation through prayers and somehow learn to coupe with separation

 

[.hasnainfarhat]

as-salaam-wa-alaikum,

I'm not sure if this is the BEST solution and I'm only trying to help.

Keeping the channels of communication open always and honesty would help.

Sit down together and have a heart-to-heart talk. Set the tone by agreeing to have no malice or anger or use of sarcasm and both should agree to be honest and open with each other. Let it be clear that you both are looking to sort out this problem and NOT end in a fight.

Then try and understand why she wants to do what she is doing. You can present your case on why you think what she should be doing. If she still insists then list out the likely problems and find out solutions to those problems together. Agree on what you will do and what she will do to MANAGE the problems.

It may sound theoretical but you'll be surprised at the result when you attempt this. Believe me, this works!! Put your faith in Allah and have the neeyat (intention) to solve the problems that you are facing.

May Allah give both of you tolerance and bring peace to your married lives. Aameen.

 

[suhailq]

as-salaam-wa-alaikum,

I'm not sure if this is the BEST solution and I'm only trying to help.

Keeping the channels of communication open always and honesty would help.

Sit down together and have a heart-to-heart talk. Set the tone by agreeing to have no malice or anger or use of sarcasm and both should agree to be honest and open with each other. Let it be clear that you both are looking to sort out this problem and NOT end in a fight.

Then try and understand why she wants to do what she is doing. You can present your case on why you think what she should be doing. If she still insists then list out the likely problems and find out solutions to those problems together. Agree on what you will do and what she will do to MANAGE the problems.

It may sound theoretical but you'll be surprised at the result when you attempt this. Believe me, this works!! Put your faith in Allah and have the neeyat (intention) to solve the problems that you are facing.

May Allah give both of you tolerance and bring peace to your married lives. Aameen.

Assalamu Aleikum
Thanks for the suggestion- yes I'm trying to manage the problem. The fundamental thing is how people take decisons given the choices they've. If I put myself in my wife shoes I'd have taken a middle path. Anyway the decison that she has taken is to split the family for next 3-5 years and I must find a way to coupe and make sure that our children are safe. Also I feel so lonely at times and want to be strong emotionally..

Please pray for my family and I trust Allaha will find a way..

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

You and your sons need to heal. You have been hurt. Brother, all that we are given is a test. And how Allah subhana talla rewards us when the trial is over.
You must shoulder the responsibility of raising your sons and being the head of your extended family.
I see that you did not address the suggestion of a second wife. It is a way of the Path.
You need not suffer..a marriage is union. You seem to have a great heart. Let us know how we can help you, please

 

[suhailq]

Salaam,

You and your sons need to heal. You have been hurt. Brother, all that we are given is a test. And how Allah subhana talla rewards us when the trial is over.
You must shoulder the responsibility of raising your sons and being the head of your extended family.
I see that you did not address the suggestion of a second wife. It is a way of the Path.
You need not suffer..a marriage is union. You seem to have a great heart. Let us know how we can help you, please

W'As Salaam
Let's be practical here, firstly Children are important as I was responsible to bring them to life. The question is will a step mother take care of them. Also where will I get time energy to find a women at this stage of my life, when I'm 40 ,that loves me and my Children ? Also I just let my first wife go like that..what's my responsibility towards her ? I do love her but feel that for her Career comes first....
Thanks a lot for your time..much appreciated....

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Brother if we are Muslim women and we wish to please Allah subhana talla..we serve.
Oh but you are young. Brother, the Prophet, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, wed at 53. What Allah blesses us with does not have an age limit.
As for your wife...do not divorce her...unless that is what she wishes. But, she has placed you in a very strange position. The way of Islam has given you an answer. Take a second wife. This is the practical solution. When you are happy your children will be happy.
I pray others will respond.
your sister in Islam.

 

[justme1983]

I think everyone here has said wonderful things and I'm not sure how much more I can add. I'm trying hard not to judge your wife's actions but......

This is what's wrong with today's families...careers are priority instead of family. There's nothing wrong with her trying to better herself but not at the expense of her family. She could've chosen another option.

It almost hurts to say it but maybe a second wife is a good idea. These boys should not have to live without a mother and I don't think you're too old to find another one. If you don't really want to do that, maybe just mentioning the idea to your current wife will bring her back!!

 

[suhailq]

Thanks, but if somebody is so bend and your own self tells you that you're not doing anything wrong, there is no way to stop that person, and she'll say marry again , no problems, but I don't feel good about it and I think my boys will neither..But you never know..

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Brother speak to men who will give you advise. men who are pious and strong.
A second wife is the solution. You deserve companionship. Your sons will not lose anything. They will learn a stronger sense of responsibility.

 

[suhailq]

Salaam,

Brother speak to men who will give you advise. men who are pious and strong.
A second wife is the solution. You deserve companionship. Your sons will not lose anything. They will learn a stronger sense of responsibility.

WAS
Thanks for your advise I'll speak to somebody pious..and inshalla try to pray more..