Are other people going through this too?

[slaveofAllah88]

aslam o aliakum wa rahamatuAllahi wa barakatuhu,

well im not sure how many people are like this, since i matured i remember i just have strong feeling for companionship from the opposite sex [female], I guess growing up in the western society, i saw everyone around me having girlfriends and relationships, alot of that just disgusted me cause most of the guyz were just using the women. But from like 17/18 year of age, i have wanted to get married, to a nice simple girl but offcourse i couldn't get married that young, but thats all i want. And since that age, i wouldn't have girlfriends but i have really strong desire for marriage, i don't want a relationship i just want to get married. Many times i feel attached to someone and i would keep on thinking about marrying her and after she would leave i feel heart broken sad depress but then after a while i feel attached to someone else and the whole cycle just continues.

Finally 2-3 years ago (cant remember 100%) i stopped totally talking to sisters or any girl but i still see someone or i know someone that i can potentially get married to i feel attached again like i wont talk to the person but still i feel attachment.

Im usually a active , happy person, i used to do so well in school till i start doing this then i would spend most of my time with the girl i would be talking to. Like i go through phases nw where i keep trying to keep myself happy but i keep feeling the void in my heart .

Logically thinking i cant get married right now, i am in the middle of a really important exam that i am studyign for which determines my career but i cant even study i spend so much time thinking about who i can marry who would be right for me
i keep telling myself ok just study stop thinking this bt i cant stop thinking i keep feeling the void the emptyness in my heart

I dont even like to go out with my friends, i dont enjoy time with my family like im not sure wat to do ?
and i have talked to my mom about marriage many many times but she is right , its not the time right now i need to atleast finish the exam cuz right now i shud be studying 12-14 hour a day bt im not, sometimes i wish just get a gf till i can get married but then again its haram and i cant come to that position ...

Any advice or if others feel this way how they deal with it?

 

[ilyas_eh]

wa alaykkum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

dear bro, I don't have very good answer. But i guess this is something we all go through. May be it is just a unavoidable phase *sigh* in the kind of society we live in especially if you are from indo-pak (even if you live in a western society). Though each person have some different version.

may Allah reward your intention to stay away from haraam, may He make you strong to steadfast upon that which is dearer to Allah.

But i don't think you are alone in whatever you have said. Talk to your mom to arrange your marriage soon after you finish your exam, in shaa Allah. Find a good way to get this one across you parents. (a very good way to gain some advantage in this regard is to score good marks and get started with your career asap... *smiles*)

PS: IMHO, you could have done this without exposing your online things.. may Allah cover your sins in this world and in the next.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Brother,

What you have hit upon is almost an evil of culture upon faith. Now, call me anything you want but that is not the way of Islam. I do not mean to be critical of the Desi culture but they are lost. This need to place emphasis on exams and just getting everything right before marriage. Has it occurred to anyone that is not the flow of life.

You can have it all one day and the next day it is gone. And on a more profound level what are you really trying to achieve.

There are more ayats in the Quran about marriage than careers.

 

[slaveofAllah88]

wa alaykkum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

dear bro, I don't have very good answer. But i guess this is something we all go through. May be it is just a unavoidable phase *sigh* in the kind of society we live in especially if you are from indo-pak (even if you live in a western society). Though each person have some different version.

may Allah reward your intention to stay away from haraam, may He make you strong to steadfast upon that which is dearer to Allah.

But i don't think you are alone in whatever you have said. Talk to your mom to arrange your marriage soon after you finish your exam, in shaa Allah. Find a good way to get this one across you parents. (a very good way to gain some advantage in this regard is to score good marks and get started with your career asap... *smiles*)

PS: IMHO, you could have done this without exposing your online things.. may Allah cover your sins in this world and in the next.

:salam2:

Akhi ur reply is the answer JazakAllah khair

yea unfortunately i am from indo-pak background .... where there is so much emphases on things

and brother, i have to like *sigh* and say this with shame that i have not left any resource according to me, i have talked to them in every way possible explaining to them religiously, logically, morally .... bt again n again the answer is the same, this topic has been discussed so much that now in my family im usually mocked at cause i want to get married this early .... idk wats early and wats late

JazakAllah khair for the PS bhai

 

[slaveofAllah88]

Assalaam walaikum,

Brother,

What you have hit upon is almost an evil of culture upon faith. Now, call me anything you want but that is not the way of Islam. I do not mean to be critical of the Desi culture but they are lost. This need to place emphasis on exams and just getting everything right before marriage. Has it occurred to anyone that is not the flow of life.

You can have it all one day and the next day it is gone. And on a more profound level what are you really trying to achieve.

There are more ayats in the Quran about marriage than careers.

:salam2:

aapa i totally agree with u and i was kinda hoping i get ur input on this cause ur always give logical wise advice JazakAllah khair

And i agree with you its hopelessly lost the desi culture, bt honestly looking at the people they place so much emphases on career, heavy dowry car baglow etc etc saying without this marriage cant happen you need all that for a successful marriage, but what does it lead to ? nothing but unsuccessful marriages where neither the girl or guy is happy and both family members are always complaining

the risq is from ALlah (swt) already determined bt we fail to realize it and what u said up there ( i bolded it) is very very true.

 

[hayat84]

:salam2:
Allah has surely deserved for you the best way to realize your life.if at the moment you've not found the ideal woman to marry,maybe it's not time to search,but to have a break.you want to get married,but remember that marriage has got many pillars which make it strong:it needs patience in the bad moments,it always brings new surprises.marriage is like the fire,if you don't take care of this fire,one day it will turn off.maybe the ideal woman still isn't beside you because ,as I said,it's difficult to find one,and Allah has got something great for you,not obligatorely the marriage and not now,maybe the next year or so.
if you follow the Love,it will escape from you...leave Love running back to you,and you'll find your woman,in sh Allah

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

The brother is asking a very different question.

The brother is a man. He needs a wife. It is sunna. We must follow the sunna and not this time line.

Yes, when you are going through trials in life and are alone it is difficult. It is easier to grasp air in your fist than find companionship. And once again, in the Quran and sunna marriage is not described as being difficult. If anything marriage is the cure for many difficulties.

The proper response from us sisters is brother, InshaAllah I will make dua that Allah find you a pious partner to sooth your way as you strive to excel.

Try being a matchmaker....what a humbling task..in this day and age.

 

[helpinghumanity]

Wa-alaikumus salam wa rahmatullah

Firstly, I don’t know why people think low of themselves or even of Indo-Pak culture. Alhamdolillah be proud of yourself, be proud of what you are and what you have. If you compare your culture with other cultures e.g The Arab Culture, The Western Culture, you will see that they are comparatively worse.

I would urge you to be in a company of believers. Go to your college MSA (Muslim Student Association) and start participating in Islamic Activities. Go to your local Masjid (if time permits you) and perform salah in congregation. Busy yourself with the remembrance of Allah. Verily in the remembrance of Allah, the hearts and the minds find peace and tranquility. This is the key. On the other hand, try to lower your gaze. I know it’s pretty hard but the reward is immense.

To some extent, I agree with the parents who say to finish your studies first. Men have extra responsibilities on their shoulders. They are the one who HAVE to provide food. Now if one is dependent upon others and can’t even take care of himself, then how can he take care of another person (not saying that you can’t)?
From my interactions with others, I have observed that this feeling of getting married is immense from 18-21. After that it kind of cools down.


Dependent upon your situation, you can use negative tactics when dealing with parents. Many have tried this and it worked for them. I will share a few with you, however I don’t recommend them.
1) Mom…If I commit something haram then on the day of judgment you will be responsible for it.
2) Mom…I have two option. Tell me which one do you want me to pick .
a) A Girl Friend
b) A wife

Finally never underestimate the power of duaa and fasting. Ask Allah to give you peace and give you what is best for you at this very moment.

I pray you find a beautiful and pious wife who will be joy and comfort of your eyes..Ameen

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,.


Son,

I am critical of the culture when it comes into conflict with Islam. And I have seen many times wherein those who profess faith give into culture and not faith.

We should only have one culture and that is Islam. When the daily lives of people come into conflict with Islam do we not have a right to question the motive behind it?

And you are right...the questions many have to ask the parent what do you want me to do...and let me take it to the female point of view...and I caution the sisters who are married to refrain from judgement...

What about the sister who holds on to the chastity...her faith ....and the good looking rich devil is knocking on the door with a bouquet of flowers..she has called out to her sisters and brothers...help me find a pious husband...and the response is oh..sister..wait until paradise..while the sisters and brothers are married...and the musk on the devil smells so good...what then..

I ask this and I ask bluntly....you who have the protection of a spouse..you tell me to wait until I die...for what you have....well sister...I ask you to go look in mirror and I question your belief..I look at the Quran and a man can have up to four wives but you married sisters are the first to tell me I am wrong..I ask you to go look in the mirror and question your belief...

I have a line of men...one mile long..knocking on my door....not one Believer; and when I ask for your dua you tell me InshaAllah, when you reach heaven...

I am the strong one.

 

[Precious Star]

Assalaam walaikum,.

What about the sister who holds on to the chastity...her faith ....and the good looking rich devil is knocking on the door with a bouquet of flowers..she has called out to her sisters and brothers...help me find a pious husband...and the response is oh..sister..wait until paradise..while the sisters and brothers are married...and the musk on the devil smells so good...what then..

I have a line of men...one mile long..knocking on my door....not one Believer; and when I ask for your dua you tell me InshaAllah, when you reach heaven...

I am the strong one.

well, I wonder what would happen if the girl opened the door? All I can say is that Allah is watching. He is watching not just the girl, but the community around her, and her own family, that left her to rot and fend for herself. I would hope that His mercy would flow. And if behind that door lay the promise of protection, children, and love....what should she choose?

Must she be a martyr and wait for death?

Remember something. There will be no procreation in the afterlife. The single women won't be having babies and cuddling them and watching them grow and then embracing grandchildren. Yes, we will be reclining with pure companions....but Allah has not ordained that women remain alone and unloved and unprotected in this world. No. We are not to be cloistered and then forgotten.

Allah is watching.

 

[hayat84]

yes sister,I understood the matter and I know he's a brother,why you think that marriage should be all roses and flowers,when in the Quran it's allowed the divorce if the cohabitation is impossible,and if I'm not wrong you too are divorced.I prefere giving a more hopeness to someone who's searching his half soul.we aren't angels and I've read here sometimes of people depressed,with some problems in the family,but they always have been solved with a good phrase.the strict Sunnah doesn't allow to women many things,but nowdays we are too modern to respect all the rules.so let me say that marriage is the completeness of something you need,but it also has the other side of the coin,I assure that there is no couple in the world(muslim or not)which hasn't passed at least one time a difficult periode.
the brother has really pious intentions,and I wish he'll find the woman to whom he will pose his trust.

 

[Precious Star]

yes sister,I understood the matter and I know he's a brother,why you think that marriage should be all roses and flowers,when in the Quran it's allowed the divorce if the cohabitation is impossible,and if I'm not wrong you too are divorced.I prefere giving a more hopeness to someone who's searching his half soul.we aren't angels and I've read here sometimes of people depressed,with some problems in the family,but they always have been solved with a good phrase.the strict Sunnah doesn't allow to women many things,but nowdays we are too modern to respect all the rules.so let me say that marriage is the completeness of something you need,but it also has the other side of the coin,I assure that there is no couple in the world(muslim or not)which hasn't passed at least one time a difficult periode.
the brother has really pious intentions,and I wish he'll find the woman to whom he will pose his trust.

I am not divorced. Not married either. Aapa has raised the issue of someone who has always been single and without proposals due to no fault of her own. That is what I was responding to.

This brother is still young. He is in his 20s. He is not stuck.

 

[hayat84]

Sister Precious star,the post wasn't adressed to you,pardon me if you've misunderstood.before getting married I thought that nobody would have loved me,but I was wrong,because I didn't search it:it was itself which found me,with the help of Allah Subhana wa ta'ala

I've just read that the brother SlaveofAllah88 is 23 years old,not 20,it's different.I've a brother of his same age and he's going to marry in sh Allah the next year.it's a good age to get married

 

[slaveofAllah88]

I am not divorced. Not married either. Aapa has raised the issue of someone who has always been single and without proposals due to no fault of her own. That is what I was responding to.

This brother is still young. He is in his 20s. He is not stuck.

:salam2:

sorta am stuck :/
wallahu Alam

Anywayz, as i mentioned its not really possible to get married due to the reason mentioned above and brother Zahid i have already tried all that with my family, and to be honest in the society we are living today i think parents don't mind a secret gf but cant live with the thought of marrying at a young age Allah (swt) knows best

i mentioned that to my mother and she told me an important part of being a muslim is being patient so i should be patient so well yea ...


Well, everything aside the reason i made the thread is so i can get some advice how to tackle the issue since knowing i cant really get married ??

JazakAllah khair to everyone for their wise input, May Allah (swt) bless u all - ameen

 

[strive-may-i]

:salam2:
Marriage- You know It will happen Insha Allah. So, stop craving. Focus on your studies.

 

[Precious Star]

:salam2:
Marriage- You know It will happen Insha Allah. So, stop craving. Focus on your studies.

How do you know this? Only Allah knows.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,


It is not a craving. He is addressing a reality.

Why is that those who are married have no compassion for those who are not. The brother raised a good issue.


An important part of being a Muslim is wishing for others what you wish for yourself. And the brother does raise a good point. Some parents want a girlfriend rather than a wife. Why..you get a better wife for the money with a better job.

Why do people encourage others to sin? I thought we were to enjoin good and forbid evil. Let us call a spade a spade..this need to prolong the waiting process to find a spouse is all about the money.

Sister Hayat..

Where does it say that Sunna does not allow women much? Sister, how do you come up with these interpretations of faith? I pray that the brother is blessed with four wives. That is sunna, sister.

Precious Star...yes...what happens if she does open the door. Human nature is weak. And I am not addressing never married women, only. What happens if she does open the door. The sin is not only hers. The community is so selective. The community is unconcerned. The males have not been responsible. Is there such an animal as collective sin? And I am not limiting this discussion to sex. Many people mistake the desires as being purely sexual. It is much deeper than that.

If the desires were only sexual we would have easy solutions. That would be the craving.

 

[strive-may-i]

................... ..........

 

[hayat84]

the Sunnah only allows a marriage with 4 wives,but as the Quran says,only if the man is able to take care of each one of them,and with the running times,if it's difficult having a home and a child,how many years should a man work,to have 4 houses and 4 wives?women should stay at home,talk less,be shy,be kind,dress properly,listen more than to talk.if every woman respected what Sunnah says,there wouldn't be the mess of nowdays.sister Aapa,I disagree with your point of view and I abstain myself from reading another of your critics about what I try to say.you offend me and my reputation,if I'm reverted from 2006,I never mean to be arrogant,just want to put my opinion and be helpful

 

[strive-may-i]

I have decided. Even the OP has decided the rest should stop

:salam2:
sorta am stuck :/
wallahu Alam

Anywayz, as i mentioned its not really possible to get married .......

Well, everything aside the reason i made the thread is so i can get some advice how to tackle the issue since knowing i cant really get married ??

JazakAllah khair to everyone for their wise input, May Allah (swt) bless u all - ameen

And honestly, the OP wants us to be wise here. OP wants to study right now, that's the best course for him. Brother clearly knows whats urgently needed - tips, suggestions so that he does not waste time trying to open a door, a door that will be opened for him by his parents a bit later. Marriage is important, his parents know it ... Insha Allah, lets hope they will do their part.

Brother needs to study for exam first. He has to right now bow his head, and see to it, that atleast he does not loose in academics (Clearing exams , justifying the scholastic abilities Almighty has given him, is best course for him)

Open a different thread, for the other discussion, And its already beaten to death, right?