Divorce in Islam when there are children

[DanyalSAC]

Asalaamu alaikum -

I posted a similar question in the brother's section but I would like to broaden it and invite the rest of the community to the discussion.

As you all know I've been looking with various levels of enthusiasm for a wife. The disproportionate number of single sisters with children along that path has been staggering; I would say without exaggeration at at least one in three has kids from a previous relationship. I am simply not interested in a woman with children.

Now, before anyone attacks me with fire and brimstone, the reason I am not interested in a "ready made family" is I just can't afford the financial responsibility of raising another man's offspring.

I was talking about this to a brother at my masjid; this young man has a little boy that he was raising by himself as a single father until he got married last year. He said, when I told him my feelings, that that's the reason why in Islam children should go with the father during divorce. He said that when a man marries, he is responsible for his wife but he should NOT be made responsible for her children. Their father should be responsible.

I know the Qur'an is quite specific in the husband's financial responsibility to the new wife when he marries, and I also know that nowhere (to the best of my knowledge, Allahu alim) does it say that the husband needs to raise his new wife's children. Indeed, he is not even allowed to call himself "Abu Other-mans-kid", right?

I guess in a nutshell I am asking where in Islam does it say that the new husband needs to take on the responsibility of her kids?

Thank you!

JazakAllah Khairyn
D.

 

[Asja]

Assalamu allaicum wa raahmatullah wa barakatuhu

Allah is The Most Mercyfull, and that is how should we aslo try to be, mercyfull and compassionate towerd each others, Inshallah. Feeding and taking care of other childrens is also from Islaam.Allah is given us richness how much we need, and Inshallah dear brother if you marry a sister who is already having children, Allah will help you also to take care about them too. Only put your trust in Allah, and Inshallah Allah will find you some way.

May Allah guide us all.

 

[DanyalSAC]

Assalamu allaicum wa raahmatullah wa barakatuhu

Allah is The Most Mercyfull, and that is how should we aslo try to be, mercyfull and compassionate towerd each others, Inshallah. Feeding and taking care of other childrens is also from Islaam.

May Allah guide us all.

Yes I know this. But that doesn't address my question. Yes we are suppose to be merciful to others but only to the limit that we are able. And if we are unable to raise another man's kids, we shouldn't have to.

 

[miq1]

Praise be to Allah (The Glorified and Exalted).


In Islamic Law, when a couple are divorced, the children go to their mother and the biological father pays for their upbringing. He also has rights to have them visit him. If the woman gets married to another man, then all of the children go to live with their biological father and the new husband is not obliged to take care of them or keep them within his home. This is to protect the children from being physically harmed and even killed by the new husband. And to give the single mother greater chances of being remarried, because most men refuse to marry women with children, especially if they have more than 1.

This is because men do not like to spend from their expense to take care of the children of another man. They will also see the children as vying for the love and time of their wife and new children together. It is also the case that the men may physically harm the children and take their life if they lose their patience with disobedient children from another man. This type of jealousy toward other mens' children is human nature and our religion recognizes human emotions and weaknesses and attempts to protect children from such a situation, in which they may be physically harmed, sexually molested, or even killed by another man. Step-fathers killing their step-children is actually more common then one would predict. I remember reading a study from Canada in which there was a large number of step-fathers killing their step-children because of these type of feelings. The author of the study compared it to lions that kill the cubs of the former male lion when they conquer a pride.

It is also the case that the children may have strong negative emotions toward the "new man" or "stranger" that is having a relationship with their mother. Which may lead to a great deal of delinquent behavior on the part of the children because of their "mixed" emotions, especially if they are older teenagers and male. This may lead to division and a great deal of problems within the home. This may be another reason the children were obliged to go and live with their biological father.

In non-Muslim nations, the situation of the Muslims may differ drastically. If the biological father or his brothers can take-in the children, then good. However, in some instances, it is difficult to get the biological father or any of his brothers/family to accept the children. Therefore, a woman is left with her children. A Muslim man that marries a woman with previous children in a non-Muslim land, may have to show patience and accept the reward of Allah (The Exalted) for the charity of caring for another man's children. He may attempt to have the wife get the biological father to at least pay for the expenses of his children and they may live in the house of the new husband, if the biological father refuses to accept them within his home or it is not safe for them, his family will not accept them, etc. Every man knows his own jealousy, if he does not want to care for another man's children, then he must try to find a woman with no children and do not harm the lives of innocent children by taking out their frustration on them.


And Allah (The Glorified and Exalted) Knows Best.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Brother..thank you for asking this question. We need mature subjects like this.

Very often in the States men will not pay child support. The mother becomes the provider. The red tape in the court systems is enough to drive a sane man crazy. And this is reality.

Often, the children do not want a stranger in the house. And the needs of the children are the priority. You may be kind and marry a woman with children. She may love you and you love her..however..children can turn into monsters. And that is a fact.

When a woman is placed in the position of having to choose between a man and her children...most women will choose the child. Thus, entering a relationship is complex. It takes patiences. And if the child is from a union prior to Islam..you get headaches. I do not think I have to paint the picture.

Since, you are mature enough to know that you do not want baggage; find a sister without children. Insha"Allah, you will be blessed with a beautiful and devout sister soon.

 

[DanyalSAC]

Assalaam walaikum,

Brother..thank you for asking this question. We need mature subjects like this.

Very often in the States men will not pay child support. The mother becomes the provider. The red tape in the court systems is enough to drive a sane man crazy. And this is reality.

Often, the children do not want a stranger in the house. And the needs of the children are the priority. You may be kind and marry a woman with children. She may love you and you love her..however..children can turn into monsters. And that is a fact.

When a woman is placed in the position of having to choose between a man and her children...most women will choose the child. Thus, entering a relationship is complex. It takes patiences. And if the child is from a union prior to Islam..you get headaches. I do not think I have to paint the picture.

Since, you are mature enough to know that you do not want baggage; find a sister without children. Insha"Allah, you will be blessed with a beautiful and devout sister soon.

Thank you sister for your reply, and yours too miq1. This is what I thought.

 

[ShyHijabi]

My wife and I got divorced and I have four children, a son aged 8, a daughter aged 4.5, a daughter aged 3 and a baby boy aged nine months. What is the rate of maintenance? Please note that their mother is well off.


Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly:

Maintenance of children is a duty of the father, according to scholarly consensus, whether he remains married to his wife or divorces her, and whether the wife is poor or rich. She is not obliged to spend on the children when their father is still alive.

The woman who has been given a revocable divorce (first or second talaaq) must be given maintenance and accommodation during the ‘iddah, but when her ‘iddah ends, if she is not pregnant, she is not entitled to that.

In the event that custody of the children is given to a divorced woman, then the children’s maintenance must be paid by their father, and a mother who is breast-feeding may request payment for breastfeeding the child.

Maintenance of children includes providing accommodation, food, drink, clothing and education, and everything that they need, on a reasonable basis, depending on the husband’s circumstances, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease”

[al-Talaaq 65:7]

This varies from one country to another and from one person to another.

If the husband is rich, then his spending should be in accordance with his wealth, and if he is poor or of moderate means, then he should also spend in accordance with his situation. If both parents agree on a certain amount of money, whether it is a little or a lot, that is up to them, and in the case of dispute the one who should decide concerning that is the qaadi (judge in a sharee’ah court).

Secondly:

It is permissible for a divorced woman to ask her husband for payment for breastfeeding the child, according to scholarly consensus.

Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Breastfeeding of the child is to be arranged for by the father only, and he should not force the mother to breastfeed him if she is divorced. We do not know of any difference of opinion concerning that. End quote from al-Mughni (11/430).

He also said: If the mother wants to breastfeed in return for payment , she has more right to do it, whether the father can find someone to breastfeed for free or not. Al-Mughni (11/431).

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: As for payment for breastfeeding, she is entitled to that according to scholarly consensus, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Then if they give suck to the children for you, give them their due payment”

[al-Talaaq 65:6]. End quote from al-Fataawa al-Kubra (3/347).

And Allaah knows best.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/89708

 

[Kakorot]

Sister Shyhijabi gave the answer.

And personally, I don't think it's a good idea because say you have step kids and you provide for them financially and so on. Then when they grow up and you say anything to them, what if they'd be like, "Don't tell me what to do, your not my dad!" And then you'll think, wow I helped bringing them up and this is thanks I get?

It's like because your not their father, you don't have rights over them. You just have the right that a Muslim has upon another Muslim, but you don't have the same right as their biological father has.

I'm not saying all kids are like that, but just try to look ahead and think of the coming rebellious teenage years. But of course, if the children are practicing Muslims, then they shouldn't say stuff like that.

May Allaah forgive me if I've said anything wrong. I hope I didn't put you off.