Engagament ? Marriage ? What to do?

[Hopetogoparadis]

Assalam alakum


I found a Muslim girl who wants to marry me as well inshallah. BUT we live in different countries and unless something unexpected happens it seems like we gotta wait 3 years at least, to get together because of studies.

Her parents might agree that we can engage or even get married BUT my parents are surely against it,in fact my father say ''i dont give you permission, dont give her any hope, only Allah knows whats gonna happen tomorrow''

So i nodded my head a bit in order to let him go (he was like asking me ''dont do it, okay ?'') though i didnt want to say ''okay sure'', you know

I really dont know what to do. In one hand, i may go this girls country soon and meet her parents but my father says dont give hope, so what does it mean? What will i talk to her parents if i dont talk about marriage ''i just wanna get to know your daughter, i dontwanna think marriage now because my parents dont want it ?'' I am confused

Can someone give advice

 

[strive-may-i]

:salam2:

Tough one.

Your fathers reply is as if he sees something which I don't. Atleast you did speak to your father, on a matter that many fear to do. So I feel frankly he is a better counsel than us, Talk to your father , it would work better for you.

So there is a red signal (stop) from your parents side, thats very clear. And you should not proceed to yellow signal. One cannot be in yellow signal for too long. Especially in relationship matters, its not good for you, nor for the girl. Is there a green signal (go ahead, marry) from her parents side? Or is it red there too?

You say studies, does it mean you are in school or college?

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

There is no animal in Islam known as engagement.

 

[muhammad.abdullah]

Assalaam walaikum,

There is no animal in Islam known as engagement.

Assalam o alaikum wr wbrkt

Oh yes there is something called engagement, translated=engagement in haram (that is if you come from south east asia). Engagement allows you to sit next to your future wife (that is if she ever becomes ones future wife), allows you to hold her hand a put a ring on it and do other kind of haram acts as well, IN FULL PUBLIC VIEW while everyone else around you is cheering and astaghfirullah...

So in that sense engagement exists, otherwise, NO. I'd say please talk to your parents again, try getting into their shoes and try working out where they are coming from. Be impartial for a moment and see if it makes sense. I am in no way taking either your or your parents' side.

ws

P.S. I am from that region as well. Thought should say that before I am labelled a racist...

 

[Hopetogoparadis]

walakumassalam

The thing is i can not sit and talk with my parents easily because they havent been raised around Muslims who practise Islam fully. So they may not understand me at all. In our culture (which they have been raised and taught) You may become friend with girl, get to know her and so on. Just after you finishs studies, university, go army... Then you can get married after you get job (Doesnt it sound like horrible situaation in many Muslims countries today ?? too bad...) So i cant talk them easily about these things. They just give ''red light'' , no green light to marriage or anything related to it as they havent been taught about these things according to Islam, maybe its not their fault. Also They say even if her deen is good, its not enough i gotta know more about her, get to know her more, because people divorce sooner etc. (probably getting to know her for months...though i dont know what else i should know about her except her deen)

P.S I am in university now

So its possible that i may go to this girl's country soon like a short trip and meet her parents there but i really dont know what to do...Her parents wouldnt mind us to get married as she told me, but what about my parents ? What should i do ? Should i tell the girl ''sorry my parents dont want anything, better we leave each other, stop talking at all'' or if her parents agree as wel,l should i do something secret without telling my parents such Engagement/marriage ? And maybe years later i can let my parents know or just act like we had been just ''friends'' ?

 

[muhammad.abdullah]

walakumassalam

The thing is i can not sit and talk with my parents easily because they havent been raised around Muslims who practise Islam fully. So they may not understand me at all. In our culture (which they have been raised and taught) You may become friend with girl, get to know her and so on. Just after you finishs studies, university, go army... Then you can get married after you get job (Doesnt it sound like horrible situaation in many Muslims countries today ?? too bad...) So i cant talk them easily about these things. They just give ''red light'' , no green light to marriage or anything related to it as they havent been taught about these things according to Islam, maybe its not their fault. Also They say even if her deen is good, its not enough i gotta know more about her, get to know her more, because people divorce sooner etc. (probably getting to know her for months...though i dont know what else i should know about her except her deen)

P.S I am in university now

So its possible that i may go to this girl's country soon like a short trip and meet her parents there but i really dont know what to do...Her parents wouldnt mind us to get married as she told me, but what about my parents ? What should i do ? Should i tell the girl ''sorry my parents dont want anything, better we leave each other, stop talking at all'' or if her parents agree as wel,l should i do something secret without telling my parents such Engagement/marriage ? And maybe years later i can let my parents know or just act like we had been just ''friends'' ?

:salam2:

Listen to me bro, first of all, your parents love you more than I do so its imperative that you talk to them. They were raised how they were raised but you my friend, are a grown up now. You said you are in university, so you must be what, in your early or mid 20s? I don't need a specific age anyway and before I get carried away in my conversation, DON'T rush into a marriage if you are NOT SURE what you are getting into. Ask yourself a few questions, are you going to be able to support the 2 of you by yourself after the marriage? will you be able to afford accomodation for you 2 (however modest, no need for villas)? What does your future wife expect of you? AGAIN, what does you future wife expect of you? Oh believe me this is experience talking, i have been through hell myself for this so as I said before, UNLESS you have an action plan, think it over. I am not saying its easy but if you go against the will of your parents (not saying that they are right stopping you from marrying) you need to be ABLE to support and live with the consequences of your decision. By doing this you will become a man.

Don't be offended by anything I said, plz. Allah knows I am giving the best advice I have and i don't know what is best for you, Allah knows.

 

[Hopetogoparadis]

Actually she or her parents may agree on living seperate for a few years. Thats why i said ''engagement or marriage'' because i guess, some people engage and live apart some years, then get married when possible. But to make everything halal, why not getting married and living seperate still ? Though i dont know what to do as a Muslim, like, which is better to do, especially while your parents are against it because they dont want to arrange anything while there are still some years ahead to finish studies and live together with spouse (inshallah)