tulipflower777
Junior Member
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"Guidance for the Muslim Wife"
(complete book)
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SAYINGS OF RASULULLAH (SALLALLAHU ALAIHI WASALLAM)
Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was extremely merciful upon the ummah. He said "You all are about to fall into the fire and I am holding your backs and preventing you from falling into it". Rasulullah's Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam favour upon the ummat was that he showed men and women the way to lead their lives. Here are a few Ahaadith advising women:
HADEETH 1. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the woman who performed her five daily prayers and kept the fast of Ramadan and protected herself from evil acts i.e. adultery and obeyed her husband, has a choice to enter heaven from whichever door she pleases.(HULYA)
HADEETH 2. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A woman has two veils: the first is the husband and the second is the grave. The one that conceals more is the grave." (TABRANI)
HADEETH 3. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A religious widow is addressed as a martyr in the heavens" i.e. she is remembered with the honourable title of a martyr in heaven for any act she performs.
HADEETH 4. Ibn Abbas Radhiallahu anhu narrates that a woman came to Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and said: "I have come as a representative of all women. We want to present a petition to you. Jihaad is fardh (compulsory) on men and only they obtain the reward of martyrdom. We women are deprived of it although we take responsibility for all their domestic affairs". Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Convey this message on my behalf to all the women that they can achieve the reward of jihaad by obeying their husbands, but very few women consider this to be a reward."
HADEETH 5.It is reported from Hazrat Ibn Umar Radhiallahu Anhu that Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that when a woman leaves her home without her husband's consent then all the angels of the skies and the entire universe curse her for this act until she returns home. (TABRANI).
HADEETH 6.Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the fragrance of heaven will be forbidden for a woman who asks her husband for divorce without any valid reason. (TIRMIZI)
HADEETH 7. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that if a woman died and her husband was pleased with her during her life, undoubtedly she has entered heaven.
HADEETH 8. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "O woman, your heaven and hell is your husband" (i.e. a woman will enter heaven if the husband is pleased, and hell if he is displeased with her). (TARGEEB)
HADEETH 9. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the best woman is the one that pleases her husband. When he looks at her, she pleases him. When he commands her, she obeys him. When he absents himself (goes away on a journey etc.) she protects his wealth and his honour. (BAIHAQI)
HADEETH 10. The Messenger of Allah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that Shaytaan (the devil) sits on his throne daily and dispatches his agents to work among human beings. One of the agents returns and says that I made a certain person commit a sin, another says I got so and so involved in this offence. Upon listening to all this Shaytaan says that you have done nothing great. Eventually one representative comes and says that I saw a husband and wife extremely devoted to each other. I sowed the seeds of enmity between them. On hearing this Shaytaan becomes happy and embracing his agent says that you have achieved something great. (MISHKAT)
The love between husband and wife is the biggest blow to Shaytaan. From this it is apparent how meritorious this love is.
HADEETH 11. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: The woman who applies perfume and passes by men is an adulteress. (TIRMIZI).
Today the woman who applies perfume and goes to the shopping centres, alleys and cinemas should ponder how grave a sin she is committing.
HADEETH 12. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Once I saw a ghair mahram (strange) man and a young woman together in a place. Consequently I had a strong fear that Shaytaan will make use of this opportunity i.e. he will besmirch their character and destroy the honour of the woman.
HADEETH 13. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Keep yourselves away from strange women. One companion asked: "O Rasul of Allah, tell me, can the husband's brother mix freely with his sister-in-law." Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam replied : "He is like death for a woman." (Bukhari and Muslim)
i.e. just as partaking of poison leads to death in this world, similarly the brother-in-law's mixing with a woman is poison for their character and a cause of destruction of the life of the hereafter.
HADEETH 14. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "It is haram for the women of my Ummah to take a bath in the public baths". (HAKIM)
i.e. women should keep away from places which are frequented by ghair mahram (strange) males. What purpose do they have in a place frequented by males?
HADEETH 15. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: Whichever woman applies scent should not join us for the Esha prayers. (ABU DAWOOD)
During the early Islamic era, women used to perform salaat behind Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam in congregation. On that occasion Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Those women who apply perfume should not come to the musjid for salaat," because there is a fear of instilling desire in the hearts of men due to the sweet fragrance of the perfume and this will be a cause of corruption. If Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam prevented women who applied perfume from attending the musjid during his noble era, there will be a greater need for precaution in this age of corruption.
HADEETH 16.Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The woman who boastfully parades in front of males after adorning herself is like the darkness of Qiyamat."
HADEETH 17. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A woman whose 3 children die in infancy or before reaching the age of puberty and who bears the loss with patience, hoping for reward will most certainly enter heaven. (MISHKAT)
Therefore if we are confronted with such a calamity, we should have patience and forbearance. To wail and mourn is not the habit of a Muslim wife. It (the child) was the property of Allah which He took back. However, it is not sinful to shed tears.
HADEETH 18. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The best women of my ummah are those that are beautiful and whose dowry is less". (Dailami)
What wisdom is there in unnecessarily burdening the husband with an extravagant dowry especially if he cannot afford it? The success of the marriage is the mutual love of the partners which cannot be purchased by wealth.
HADEETH 19. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Whoever consoled a woman that lost her child will be given the clothes of Paradise to wear. (MISHKAT)
i.e. when you go to offer your condolences to a woman who lost her child, do not join her in wailing and crying. On the contrary, speak to her in such a manner so as to induce patience in her. Allah has promised a person who does this the garments of Jannah.
HADEETH 20. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that Allah Subhanahu Taala says "Sight is a poisonous arrow of the devil. Whosoever, whether male or female protects himself or herself from evil glances will be granted a sweet Iman (faith) which will please his/her heart." (TABRANI)
The disease of glancing at men without regarding it as sinful is common among women. This can occur even though they (the woman) may be fully concealed. The arrow of Shaytaan works discreetly.
HADEETH 21. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The worst person on the day of Qiyamah will be the one who reveals the private life of his wife to others." (Muslim)
Similarly some women have the habit of revealing their private matters to their friends. This is a major sin which should be abstained from.
HADEETH 22. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "When a husband calls his wife at night to have relations with her and she refuses without a valid Shari reason, she is cursed throughout the night by the angels." (BUKHARI)
HADEETH 23. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: There are 3 persons whose salaah is not accepted nor does any good act of theirs reach the sky. Firstly, a runaway slave until he returns to his master. Secondly, a woman whose husband is displeased with her and thirdly an intoxicated person as long as he does not repent from using intoxicants. (BAIHAQI)
Imagine how serious it is to displease the husband that the wife's salaah is not accepted nor any other good deed of hers.
HADEETH 24. Hadhrat Aisha Radhiallahu Anha says that Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was sitting amongst the Muhajireen and Ansaar when a camel came and prostrated before him. Upon this the Sahaaba Radhiallahu Anhum said "O Prophet of Allah, if the animals and trees prostrate to you, then we have more rights to prostrate to you." On hearing this Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "Worship your Sustainer and honour me. Had I given the command to anyone to prostrate, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate to her husband. The husband's right is so great that if he commands her to carry a stone from the yellow mountain to the black mountain and then from the black mountain to the white one, she has to fulfil this duty."
HADEETH 25. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "No woman should ask her husband to divorce his second wife in order to achieve her rights because she will only receive what has been preordained for her." (BUKHARI and MUSLIM)
For example, a person who is married intends to marry a second woman. This woman tells him to divorce the first wife before she will marry him , or there are two women in one person's nikah and one says that she will only live with the husband on condition that he divorces the other. This has been prohibited by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam because each one has her own destiny and should be thankful for that.
HADEETH 26. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The rights of the husband on the wife are so great that if pus flows on the husband's body and the woman licks it clean, then too his rights will not be fully fulfilled." (TARGHEEB)
HADEETH 27. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The world is a commodity and its best commodity is a pious woman who assists her husband in matters concerning the hereafter." (RAZEEN)
By being patient and enduring a life of poverty, women can grant their husbands more spare time for religious duties. However this is not prevalent today. If the husband intends to do religious work, the wife presents a whole list of requirements to him which forces him to become engrossed in secular matters.
HADEETH 28. Whenever a strange man and woman meet in seclusion Shaytaan definitely is the third one by joining them. (TIRMIZI) i.e. Shaytaan arouses their passions and incites them to commit evil.
HADEETH 29. Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Make purdah (i.e. conceal yourselves) from a blind man. Ummul Mumineen Hadhrat Aisha Radhhiallahu Anha said "O Prophet of Allah, he is blind. How can he see us?" Rasulullah Sallallahu Wasallam replied: "He may be blind, but you are not blind". (AHMAD,TIRMIZI)
Some women do not make purdah from blind people because of their inability to see. From this hadeeth we can deduce that just as it is forbidden for a man to look at a woman, similarly it is forbidden for a woman to gaze at a strange man.
HADEETH 30.Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A woman should be kept concealed. When she emerges from the home without necessity, Shaytaan makes her appealing in the sight of men." (TIRMIZI)
Evil persons are attracted to her and begin following her or mention her in the gathering of men. This implies that she should leave the house only out of dire necessity. Today it has become a fashion to adorn the burqa and to embroider the trousers so as to attract men. The burqa was originally made for the purpose of purdah, but we have made it an object of adornment.
HADEETH 31. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The most blessed nikah is the one with the least expenses." (BAIHAQI- IN SHUABUL IMAN)
Today, many of the destitute destroy the youth of their daughters because of not being able to uphold petty customs. They do not possess anything to give nor do they want to have the nikah without an extravagant dowry in fear of being criticized by the other family members. In order to make our nikahs more blessed we should abandon these futile customs and on such occasions take a lesson from the simple nikah of Hadhrat Fatima al- Zahra Radhiallahu Anha whose dowry was one water-bag and one bed.
HADEETH 32. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "O women, after sitting in a gathering of women do not go home and explicitly describe any woman to your husbands." (MUSLIM)
This may incline your husband towards her and his affection for you may diminish. What noble advice has been given to us by our Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
HADEETH 33. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "May Allah curse those women who imitate men in appearance and those men who imitate women." (MISHKAT)
Women should not appear like men in their attire and physical appearance.
HADEETH 34. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said : "When heaven and hell were shown to me I saw that the majority of the inmates of hell were women." (MISHKAT)
The reason for this is that women are ungrateful and disobedient to their husbands. Although they will be leading a comfortable life but as soon as there is a minor problem, they will, on the slightest pretext show ingratitude.
HADEETH 35. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Shall I inform you which woman will enter heaven?" The Sahaba replied: "Yes most certainly". Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "The woman who has children, is lovable, when she becomes angry the husband consoles her and when the husband becomes angry she says that as long as you do not become pleased with me, I will not even apply surmah (antimony) to my eyes." (TABRANI)
HADEETH 36. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "It is not permissible for any woman to fast optionally without her husband's permission, and it is not permissible for her to allow anyone into his house without his consent." (BUKHARI)
HADEETH 37. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "When any woman troubles her husband, the celestial bride (hur) of heaven calls out "Woe to you. Do not trouble him. He is temporarily with you. He is going to leave you and be our guest. Why do you trouble our beloved?" (IBN MAJAH)
HADEETH 38. The Messenger of Allah said that women are married for their lineage, wealth, beauty and piety. You should marry one who is pious (BUKHARI).
HADEETH 39. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "It is extremely abominable for a woman's shoulder to touch a man. It is better to touch a pig that is all messed up than for a woman to touch the body of a strange man." (TABRANI)
HADEETH 40. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "A woman cannot fulfill the rights of Allah without fulfilling the rights of her husband. Even if a woman is busy at the stove and the husband calls her, in that busy period also she must leave all her work and answer his request." (TABRANI)
If Muslim wives mould their lives in the light of the above-mentioned 40 ahaadeeth, every Muslim house can become a model of Jannat. All kinds of quarrels will cease and the misfortune of divorce will not prevail. Children brought up in such an environment will be an example of piety, discipline, love and sympathy. May Allah make every Muslim house practice upon this.
SOCIAL CONDUCT
There are two guardians appointed for every home : the man and the woman. For the upkeeping of the home it cannot be said that one has less responsibility than the other. The responsibility of each one can be realised from the following points:
1. The gale that has blown from Europe today concerning the equality of men and women has ruined many Muslim homes. Both have their separate limits within which they must pass their lives. If these limits cease to exist, the home becomes an example of hell as is the occurrence in Europe. Those people who are inviting women to this destruction in the veil of good advice are not helpers of women but great enemies.
2. The relationship between husband and wife has to be endured throughout their entire lives.
If both their hearts are united, there can be no greater bounty, and if there is some difference between them, (may Allah forbid) there can be no greater calamity. As far as possible obey your husband. Bear the little difficulties of this world to achieve the bounties of the hereafter.
3. The tongue is a means of disgrace and honour for a human. Great virtue can be derived if it is protected. Some women utter certain statements due to lack of understanding and without contemplation. These can offend their husbands. They utter statements at unsuitable occasions, accuse or say something enraging in their anger which can hurt the man's feelings. This could have disastrous consequences. Remember well that once a man's heart has been injured due to some statement you made and you console and please him after a few days, then too the situation will not be as before. You can make a thousand excuses and apologize, but the love will not be as it was before. The human memory is very strong in remembering a past misery. It will continue to haunt his memory.
4. Women are said to be the garments of men. Just as a garment remains with a person during hot and cold weather, so should the husband and wife live together. Do not ask for more than what the husband can afford. Be satisfied with whatever you get even if it be bread. Do not look at a woman whose status is higher and become greedy. On the contrary, look at one who is lower than you and be thankful and patient. If at any time you like some jewellery or clothing and the husband cannot afford it, do not ask him for it nor grieve or express regret at not having it; in fact do not even mention it.
5. A woman should conceal her husband's secrets. If she is experiencing a difficult time she should not reveal this to anyone. She should always express joy so that the husband is not grieved. In this manner she will win him over and her respect will increase in his sight.
6. Also remember that if he brings anything for you, always express happiness whether you like the present or not. Do not criticize the present, for that will hurt his feelings and he will never want to bring anything for you, but if you praise it and take it happily it will please him and he will bring something better the next time. Do not be ungrateful to your husband because the one who is ungrateful to any person is ungrateful to Allah. This is the reason why more women will go to hell as mentioned in a hadeeth. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said "I saw many women in hell." Someone asked: "O Prophet of Allah, why are there going to be more women in hell?" Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said " They curse others excessively and are very ungrateful to their husbands". From this, one can gather how sinful it is to be ungrateful to a husband.
7. A successful wife is one that recognizes the husband's nature. You should try and understand his temperament. If he is angry, do not utter something that will increase his anger. Always watch his mood before speaking. If he responds to jokes by expressing happiness then continue doing so, otherwise not. If he is displeased with you, do not sit with a sullen face. Instead plead with him for forgiveness and try to win him over whether it is your fault or not. This will result in his love increasing for you.
8. There are many etiquettes of love without which the claim to love is baseless. Understand well that the relationship between husband and wife cannot arise from a hollow love. With love the respect of the husband is also essential. It is totally wrong to regard the husband's status as your own.
9. The husband's status is more than your father's. Therefore do not ask him to serve you in any manner. If he, out of love begins serving you, do not let him do so. Ask yourself if your father were to do the same would you allow it?
10. Some women first search their husband's pockets when they return from a journey and ask them how much money and how many goods they have brought not realizing that the greatest treasure is the husband himself who has returned safely. Why not be happy and thankful for that? When the husband returns from a journey inquire about his health, his stay and if he experienced any difficulties. Firstly ask him if he is hungry so that you can feed him. When he lies down after having meals, massage his hands and feet. Fan him if it is hot. In short, make him as comfortable as possible.
11. The rights of the husband's parents are very great. When their rights over your husband are so great that without obeying them he cannot be forgiven, then what is your position? You have been commanded to obey your husband and he has been commanded to obey his parents. From this you can gauge how great their rights are upon you. The husband's other relatives also have rights upon you according to their stages.
12. Whatever impression you make in the beginning will be always remembered. From the outset have respect for the elders and mercy for the young. Do not leave any of your work for others nor let your possessions lie around.
13. You may have read the condition of Rasulullah's daughter who used to grind wheat on the mill-stone. Who is a greater princess than her? Therefore do not shy away from any hard work. Do not be hesitant in doing what your mother-in-law and sisters-in-law do. Do it yourself without them telling you. In this way the in-law's love for you will increase.
14. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam has regarded an eavesdropper as a very evil person. Therefore if two persons are speaking softly to each other, separate from them and do not try to find out what they were speaking about. Also do not unnecessarily feel that they were speaking about you as this creates hatred in the heart which wipes out all good deeds.
15. Regard your husband's house as the centre of your hopes. Do not live with dissatisfaction even though the new home and new people cause uneasiness.
16. Every action of yours will be scrutinized. Therefore inculcate a habit of being moderate. Be careful when conversing. Do not chatter too much because it is an evil habit nor be so quiet because this is regarded as pride.
17. If you dislike something at the in-laws, do not backbite about it at home. To inform your mother of every minor thing about your in-laws and for the mother to find out about them is an extremely abominable act. It leads to mutual arguments and disputes and eventually leads to separation.
18. The adage "a slovenly woman's home is in darkness" is famous. Never be negligent in cleanliness. Keep the husband's possessions neat and tidy. Also keep the room clean. You should do all the work yourself. Safeguard all your belongings. Fold the clothes and keep them away. Do not make excuses in doing any task, nor lie because it removes trust and even when the truth is spoken there won't be certainty.
19. The love between husband and wife offends Shaytaan the most. He plans to sow hatred between them, causes doubt and suspicion. Bear this in mind and do not slander on minor doubts, for instance by saying: you joke too much with so and so (female), or you go there very often, or you always sit there. If the husband is innocent you can imagine how hurt he will feel. Added to this is the sin of the hereafter. Even if he has such an evil habit, it will not be remedied in this manner. To do this you will have to use wisdom. Discuss the matter with him in secret. If this method fails to make him realize the evil of the habit, be patient. Do not go around telling everyone and disgracing him. Do not become stern and harsh in order to suppress him as this will only make him adamant and you will eventually suffer. Remember that the simplest way of making him submit is to be loyal and obedient. To express anger and become enraged is a grave mistake and shows lack of intellect.
20. There are many instances to be found where a woman's gentleness and patience have changed the man. If the husband is so wicked that he reaches the extremes in oppressing her, then Allah Ta'ala has destroyed him. Women should not become impatient under any circumstances.
THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN
The nature of children is like a plain paper. Whatever is imprinted on it initially will remain forever. Therefore it is important to create good images on this clean and pure page. Whatever habit, good or evil is inculcated in childhood remains for life. Hereunder a few points relating to the upbringing of children will be mentioned.
1. The first nourishment of a child is the mother's milk. She should partake of halaal and pure food so that the milk which is formed from it is pure. Milk has a great effect on the life of children.
2. Muslim children have to carry the banner of bravery during their lives. They should be taught to be courageous. Women have a habit of frightening children, sometimes from the police and sometimes from some other fearful thing. This is an abominable habit and creates cowardice.
3. Just as a weak plant rots due to excessive water, so are children spoilt when given excessive food and at improper times. Appoint a time for feeding the child so that he remains healthy. Do not overfeed him.
4. Do not decorate them excessively. Yes, do consider their cleanliness and bathe them daily in summer.
5. Do not inculcate a habit in boys of wearing expensive clothing and in girls of wearing jewellery, etc. from the beginning. It is not a commendable habit of having vanity and pride from childhood.
6. Children are covetous by nature. Therefore make an attempt to discard this habit of theirs by teaching them to give food, clothing, money etc. to the poor. In the same manner teach them to distribute food etc. to their brothers and sisters in order to learn the habit of generosity.
7. Children can learn well by means of examples. Explain the evils of eating excessively to them, but do not mention anyone's name.
8. Do not give children so much that they develop the habit of asking nor frustrate them so much that they lose hope. Do not fulfil all their wishes as this spoils their nature.
9. Friends have a great effect. Keep your children away from those who have evil habits, or escape from studies or are used to ceremonious food and clothing.
10. Anger, speaking lies, to be envious of others, stealing, back-biting, defending ones statement, to speak of futile things excessively, to laugh unnecessarily and to deceive are all dangerous characteristics. If the child commits any of them, admonish him immediately.
11. Just as a child is spoilt by impoliteness similarly is he spoilt by excessive affection and love. If he breaks anything or hits someone, punish him accordingly so that he does not repeat the act. If love and affection is shown at such an occasion, it will permanently spoil the child.
12. Encourage acts of piety and inculcate the habit of salaah from the age of seven.
13. When the child is capable of going to Madrasah, make him first learn the Quran. Do not let him abscond.
14. Occasionaly read the stories of the pious to him.
15. Books that besmirch the character are very common. Do not allow him to read books that contain love stories, subject matter that is contrary to the shariat or useless stories and poems etc. Instead, teach him to read books of deen and good morals.
16. Moderation is praiseworthy in every act. Do not bind him to studies all the time. When he returns from madressa, permit him to play for a while so that he becomes active, but the entertainment should not be spiritually or physically harmful.
17. Besides deeni (religious) education, also teach him a trade or profession. Learning a skill will enable him to earn at the time of need and difficulty and support himself and his family.
18. Educate girls, the minimum being such that they can write letters and be able to calculate the expenses of the house.
19. Inculcate in children the habit of doing their work themselves.
20. Remember that when a child does a praiseworthy act he should be congratulated and shown love, in fact he should be rewarded as an encouragement. When he commits a wrong act, he should be reprimanded in privacy and warned not to repeat the crime. If he repeats the act, punish him accordingly.
21. Teach them to respect elders in general and the fathers in particular. The mother should make the child fear the father so that he is respected.
22. Do not allow the child to do any act in secret, whether it is playing, eating, or any other work. Remember that if he does anything in secret he regards it as unlawful. If it is something wrong he should be taught to forget such a habit and if it is good like eating or drinking, he should be taught not to hide and do things suspiciously.
23. Teach the child to do menial tasks and to exercise for physical well-being e.g. calisthenics or walking for a kilometer.
24. Another way of pleasing the child is to give him a few cents occasionally so that he spends them according to his desire, but ensure that he does not buy something without your knowledge nor anything harmful.
25. Remind the child as often as possible of the following etiquettes when partaking of meals:
To begin by saying Bismillah, to eat with the right- hand, to eat from directly in front of himself, not to stare at the food as greedy people do, not to eat hastily, to chew the food properly, not to take another morsel before swallowing the first one, to take the morsel properly so that gravy does not spill onto the clothing and the fingers do not mess unnecessarily, not to move the face when chewing a morsel, not to be bare-headed whilst eating, to wash the hands before and after meals, to drink water with the right hand and in 3 breaths and to praise Allah after eating.
ETIQUETTE OF A GATHERING
Good manners and habits are the best jewels. Whichever woman adorns herself with them will be regarded as the most beloved by all. Whoever you meet, meet them with respect and speak gently. Do not clean your nose in the presence of others. If the need arises, move away from there. If you want to yawn or sneeze, place your hand over your mouth and lower your voice. Do not crack your fingers nor look at someone every now and then unnecessarily. Remain sitting in your place with respect. Do not speak too much nor take an oath for trivial things. Whenever possible do not begin speaking. When someone else speaks, listen attentively so as not to hurt their feelings. However, do not listen if it is something sinful. It will be better to prevent her, or to move away from there. Until a person has finished speaking, do not interrupt. When someone arrives and there is no place in the gathering, move slightly from your place. Sit close together so that there is sufficient place. When meeting someone or departing greet with Assalamu-Alaikum and in answer say Waalaikumus-Salaam. Avoid using words like "hello" and "bye" which are in vogue nowadays.
THE ETIQUETTE WITH THE HUSBAND'S FAMILY
Understand from the outset that noble girls arrive in the bridal car and depart in the funeral bier, i.e. they love the in-laws. To achieve this you have to consider these factors: Respect your mother-in-law in all conditions as you respect your own mother. Always give preference to her pleasure whether you are in difficulty or ease. Do not say something that may distress or displease her. When addressing her, use words that are used for elders. If she admonishes you, heed her advice with silence. Do not back- answer her even though it is something unpleasant and bitter. Serve her as you would serve your mother. If she assigns a task to someone else, go ahead and do it yourself.
Respect your father-in-law as your own father. The same etiquette applies to your father-in-law as we have explained above with regards to the mother-in-law. As far as possible try and comfort him and serve him. If you intend going to some function, take the husband's or father-in-law's or mother-in-law's permission. Proceed only if permission is granted. Treat your husband's brothers wives and his sisters like your own sisters. If they are young treat them like your young sisters, because they will treat you as you treat them. Be patient if the sisters-in-law annoy you. In exchange of harsh treatment react with kindness. Do not mention anyone's faults to others nor speak ill of anyone in his/her absence as this is backbiting which is a major sin. Back-biting is the cause of grief and mutual quarrels. Some women say that we are not lying because this fault is found in that person. Remember that ghibat (backbiting) is to mention someones faults behind his back and if that fault is not in him, it constitutes slander, which is a more serious crime than back-biting. Regarding back-biting there is an incident of a woman who kept on back-biting while she was fasting. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not permit her to break her fast saying that she is not fasting (in reality). When she was ordered to vomit by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, a clot of blood fell from her mouth. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam remarked that she had been back-biting all day long and drinking the blood of people.
Treat the children of your father-in-law or those related to him with extreme compassion. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The person who does not respect the elders nor treats the young with kindness is not of us". As far as possible treat children kindly and elders with respect according to their status. If there is a maid in the house, do not burden her with tasks beyond her ability. If a certain task is difficult assist her with it. Do not speak harshly to her. If she is ill or in some difficulty, help and serve her.
ORGANISATION OF THE HOME
If the house is well-organized it will flourish even though the income is little and the poverty will not be apparent. If the house is not well organized, it will be full of misfortune and poverty, even if the inhabitants are wealthy. The most important factor is estimating the expenses and considering their occasions. There should be moderation in the expenses so that they do not exceed the income, nor should they be so minimal that it leads to miserliness. Allah Ta'ala has expressed contempt in the Holy Quran for those who are extravagant and those who are miserly. Love for wealth will make you hoard it and prevent you from spending it on your necessities. Spend according to your need. Do not desire what the wealthy possess. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "In worldly matters look at the one lower than you, you will be satisfied, but in deeni matters look at those higher than you so that you can be encouraged to do pious acts." Keep everything in its proper place. Only keep those utensils outside which you require often. Keep the rest inside, only removing them when necessary. After the need is fulfilled return them to their places.
"Guidance for the Muslim Wife"
(complete book)
---------------------------
SAYINGS OF RASULULLAH (SALLALLAHU ALAIHI WASALLAM)
Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was extremely merciful upon the ummah. He said "You all are about to fall into the fire and I am holding your backs and preventing you from falling into it". Rasulullah's Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam favour upon the ummat was that he showed men and women the way to lead their lives. Here are a few Ahaadith advising women:
HADEETH 1. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the woman who performed her five daily prayers and kept the fast of Ramadan and protected herself from evil acts i.e. adultery and obeyed her husband, has a choice to enter heaven from whichever door she pleases.(HULYA)
HADEETH 2. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A woman has two veils: the first is the husband and the second is the grave. The one that conceals more is the grave." (TABRANI)
HADEETH 3. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A religious widow is addressed as a martyr in the heavens" i.e. she is remembered with the honourable title of a martyr in heaven for any act she performs.
HADEETH 4. Ibn Abbas Radhiallahu anhu narrates that a woman came to Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and said: "I have come as a representative of all women. We want to present a petition to you. Jihaad is fardh (compulsory) on men and only they obtain the reward of martyrdom. We women are deprived of it although we take responsibility for all their domestic affairs". Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Convey this message on my behalf to all the women that they can achieve the reward of jihaad by obeying their husbands, but very few women consider this to be a reward."
HADEETH 5.It is reported from Hazrat Ibn Umar Radhiallahu Anhu that Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that when a woman leaves her home without her husband's consent then all the angels of the skies and the entire universe curse her for this act until she returns home. (TABRANI).
HADEETH 6.Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the fragrance of heaven will be forbidden for a woman who asks her husband for divorce without any valid reason. (TIRMIZI)
HADEETH 7. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that if a woman died and her husband was pleased with her during her life, undoubtedly she has entered heaven.
HADEETH 8. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "O woman, your heaven and hell is your husband" (i.e. a woman will enter heaven if the husband is pleased, and hell if he is displeased with her). (TARGEEB)
HADEETH 9. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the best woman is the one that pleases her husband. When he looks at her, she pleases him. When he commands her, she obeys him. When he absents himself (goes away on a journey etc.) she protects his wealth and his honour. (BAIHAQI)
HADEETH 10. The Messenger of Allah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that Shaytaan (the devil) sits on his throne daily and dispatches his agents to work among human beings. One of the agents returns and says that I made a certain person commit a sin, another says I got so and so involved in this offence. Upon listening to all this Shaytaan says that you have done nothing great. Eventually one representative comes and says that I saw a husband and wife extremely devoted to each other. I sowed the seeds of enmity between them. On hearing this Shaytaan becomes happy and embracing his agent says that you have achieved something great. (MISHKAT)
The love between husband and wife is the biggest blow to Shaytaan. From this it is apparent how meritorious this love is.
HADEETH 11. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: The woman who applies perfume and passes by men is an adulteress. (TIRMIZI).
Today the woman who applies perfume and goes to the shopping centres, alleys and cinemas should ponder how grave a sin she is committing.
HADEETH 12. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Once I saw a ghair mahram (strange) man and a young woman together in a place. Consequently I had a strong fear that Shaytaan will make use of this opportunity i.e. he will besmirch their character and destroy the honour of the woman.
HADEETH 13. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Keep yourselves away from strange women. One companion asked: "O Rasul of Allah, tell me, can the husband's brother mix freely with his sister-in-law." Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam replied : "He is like death for a woman." (Bukhari and Muslim)
i.e. just as partaking of poison leads to death in this world, similarly the brother-in-law's mixing with a woman is poison for their character and a cause of destruction of the life of the hereafter.
HADEETH 14. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "It is haram for the women of my Ummah to take a bath in the public baths". (HAKIM)
i.e. women should keep away from places which are frequented by ghair mahram (strange) males. What purpose do they have in a place frequented by males?
HADEETH 15. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: Whichever woman applies scent should not join us for the Esha prayers. (ABU DAWOOD)
During the early Islamic era, women used to perform salaat behind Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam in congregation. On that occasion Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Those women who apply perfume should not come to the musjid for salaat," because there is a fear of instilling desire in the hearts of men due to the sweet fragrance of the perfume and this will be a cause of corruption. If Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam prevented women who applied perfume from attending the musjid during his noble era, there will be a greater need for precaution in this age of corruption.
HADEETH 16.Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The woman who boastfully parades in front of males after adorning herself is like the darkness of Qiyamat."
HADEETH 17. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A woman whose 3 children die in infancy or before reaching the age of puberty and who bears the loss with patience, hoping for reward will most certainly enter heaven. (MISHKAT)
Therefore if we are confronted with such a calamity, we should have patience and forbearance. To wail and mourn is not the habit of a Muslim wife. It (the child) was the property of Allah which He took back. However, it is not sinful to shed tears.
HADEETH 18. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The best women of my ummah are those that are beautiful and whose dowry is less". (Dailami)
What wisdom is there in unnecessarily burdening the husband with an extravagant dowry especially if he cannot afford it? The success of the marriage is the mutual love of the partners which cannot be purchased by wealth.
HADEETH 19. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Whoever consoled a woman that lost her child will be given the clothes of Paradise to wear. (MISHKAT)
i.e. when you go to offer your condolences to a woman who lost her child, do not join her in wailing and crying. On the contrary, speak to her in such a manner so as to induce patience in her. Allah has promised a person who does this the garments of Jannah.
HADEETH 20. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that Allah Subhanahu Taala says "Sight is a poisonous arrow of the devil. Whosoever, whether male or female protects himself or herself from evil glances will be granted a sweet Iman (faith) which will please his/her heart." (TABRANI)
The disease of glancing at men without regarding it as sinful is common among women. This can occur even though they (the woman) may be fully concealed. The arrow of Shaytaan works discreetly.
HADEETH 21. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The worst person on the day of Qiyamah will be the one who reveals the private life of his wife to others." (Muslim)
Similarly some women have the habit of revealing their private matters to their friends. This is a major sin which should be abstained from.
HADEETH 22. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "When a husband calls his wife at night to have relations with her and she refuses without a valid Shari reason, she is cursed throughout the night by the angels." (BUKHARI)
HADEETH 23. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: There are 3 persons whose salaah is not accepted nor does any good act of theirs reach the sky. Firstly, a runaway slave until he returns to his master. Secondly, a woman whose husband is displeased with her and thirdly an intoxicated person as long as he does not repent from using intoxicants. (BAIHAQI)
Imagine how serious it is to displease the husband that the wife's salaah is not accepted nor any other good deed of hers.
HADEETH 24. Hadhrat Aisha Radhiallahu Anha says that Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was sitting amongst the Muhajireen and Ansaar when a camel came and prostrated before him. Upon this the Sahaaba Radhiallahu Anhum said "O Prophet of Allah, if the animals and trees prostrate to you, then we have more rights to prostrate to you." On hearing this Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "Worship your Sustainer and honour me. Had I given the command to anyone to prostrate, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate to her husband. The husband's right is so great that if he commands her to carry a stone from the yellow mountain to the black mountain and then from the black mountain to the white one, she has to fulfil this duty."
HADEETH 25. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "No woman should ask her husband to divorce his second wife in order to achieve her rights because she will only receive what has been preordained for her." (BUKHARI and MUSLIM)
For example, a person who is married intends to marry a second woman. This woman tells him to divorce the first wife before she will marry him , or there are two women in one person's nikah and one says that she will only live with the husband on condition that he divorces the other. This has been prohibited by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam because each one has her own destiny and should be thankful for that.
HADEETH 26. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The rights of the husband on the wife are so great that if pus flows on the husband's body and the woman licks it clean, then too his rights will not be fully fulfilled." (TARGHEEB)
HADEETH 27. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The world is a commodity and its best commodity is a pious woman who assists her husband in matters concerning the hereafter." (RAZEEN)
By being patient and enduring a life of poverty, women can grant their husbands more spare time for religious duties. However this is not prevalent today. If the husband intends to do religious work, the wife presents a whole list of requirements to him which forces him to become engrossed in secular matters.
HADEETH 28. Whenever a strange man and woman meet in seclusion Shaytaan definitely is the third one by joining them. (TIRMIZI) i.e. Shaytaan arouses their passions and incites them to commit evil.
HADEETH 29. Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Make purdah (i.e. conceal yourselves) from a blind man. Ummul Mumineen Hadhrat Aisha Radhhiallahu Anha said "O Prophet of Allah, he is blind. How can he see us?" Rasulullah Sallallahu Wasallam replied: "He may be blind, but you are not blind". (AHMAD,TIRMIZI)
Some women do not make purdah from blind people because of their inability to see. From this hadeeth we can deduce that just as it is forbidden for a man to look at a woman, similarly it is forbidden for a woman to gaze at a strange man.
HADEETH 30.Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A woman should be kept concealed. When she emerges from the home without necessity, Shaytaan makes her appealing in the sight of men." (TIRMIZI)
Evil persons are attracted to her and begin following her or mention her in the gathering of men. This implies that she should leave the house only out of dire necessity. Today it has become a fashion to adorn the burqa and to embroider the trousers so as to attract men. The burqa was originally made for the purpose of purdah, but we have made it an object of adornment.
HADEETH 31. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The most blessed nikah is the one with the least expenses." (BAIHAQI- IN SHUABUL IMAN)
Today, many of the destitute destroy the youth of their daughters because of not being able to uphold petty customs. They do not possess anything to give nor do they want to have the nikah without an extravagant dowry in fear of being criticized by the other family members. In order to make our nikahs more blessed we should abandon these futile customs and on such occasions take a lesson from the simple nikah of Hadhrat Fatima al- Zahra Radhiallahu Anha whose dowry was one water-bag and one bed.
HADEETH 32. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "O women, after sitting in a gathering of women do not go home and explicitly describe any woman to your husbands." (MUSLIM)
This may incline your husband towards her and his affection for you may diminish. What noble advice has been given to us by our Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
HADEETH 33. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "May Allah curse those women who imitate men in appearance and those men who imitate women." (MISHKAT)
Women should not appear like men in their attire and physical appearance.
HADEETH 34. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said : "When heaven and hell were shown to me I saw that the majority of the inmates of hell were women." (MISHKAT)
The reason for this is that women are ungrateful and disobedient to their husbands. Although they will be leading a comfortable life but as soon as there is a minor problem, they will, on the slightest pretext show ingratitude.
HADEETH 35. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Shall I inform you which woman will enter heaven?" The Sahaba replied: "Yes most certainly". Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "The woman who has children, is lovable, when she becomes angry the husband consoles her and when the husband becomes angry she says that as long as you do not become pleased with me, I will not even apply surmah (antimony) to my eyes." (TABRANI)
HADEETH 36. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "It is not permissible for any woman to fast optionally without her husband's permission, and it is not permissible for her to allow anyone into his house without his consent." (BUKHARI)
HADEETH 37. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "When any woman troubles her husband, the celestial bride (hur) of heaven calls out "Woe to you. Do not trouble him. He is temporarily with you. He is going to leave you and be our guest. Why do you trouble our beloved?" (IBN MAJAH)
HADEETH 38. The Messenger of Allah said that women are married for their lineage, wealth, beauty and piety. You should marry one who is pious (BUKHARI).
HADEETH 39. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "It is extremely abominable for a woman's shoulder to touch a man. It is better to touch a pig that is all messed up than for a woman to touch the body of a strange man." (TABRANI)
HADEETH 40. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "A woman cannot fulfill the rights of Allah without fulfilling the rights of her husband. Even if a woman is busy at the stove and the husband calls her, in that busy period also she must leave all her work and answer his request." (TABRANI)
If Muslim wives mould their lives in the light of the above-mentioned 40 ahaadeeth, every Muslim house can become a model of Jannat. All kinds of quarrels will cease and the misfortune of divorce will not prevail. Children brought up in such an environment will be an example of piety, discipline, love and sympathy. May Allah make every Muslim house practice upon this.
SOCIAL CONDUCT
There are two guardians appointed for every home : the man and the woman. For the upkeeping of the home it cannot be said that one has less responsibility than the other. The responsibility of each one can be realised from the following points:
1. The gale that has blown from Europe today concerning the equality of men and women has ruined many Muslim homes. Both have their separate limits within which they must pass their lives. If these limits cease to exist, the home becomes an example of hell as is the occurrence in Europe. Those people who are inviting women to this destruction in the veil of good advice are not helpers of women but great enemies.
2. The relationship between husband and wife has to be endured throughout their entire lives.
If both their hearts are united, there can be no greater bounty, and if there is some difference between them, (may Allah forbid) there can be no greater calamity. As far as possible obey your husband. Bear the little difficulties of this world to achieve the bounties of the hereafter.
3. The tongue is a means of disgrace and honour for a human. Great virtue can be derived if it is protected. Some women utter certain statements due to lack of understanding and without contemplation. These can offend their husbands. They utter statements at unsuitable occasions, accuse or say something enraging in their anger which can hurt the man's feelings. This could have disastrous consequences. Remember well that once a man's heart has been injured due to some statement you made and you console and please him after a few days, then too the situation will not be as before. You can make a thousand excuses and apologize, but the love will not be as it was before. The human memory is very strong in remembering a past misery. It will continue to haunt his memory.
4. Women are said to be the garments of men. Just as a garment remains with a person during hot and cold weather, so should the husband and wife live together. Do not ask for more than what the husband can afford. Be satisfied with whatever you get even if it be bread. Do not look at a woman whose status is higher and become greedy. On the contrary, look at one who is lower than you and be thankful and patient. If at any time you like some jewellery or clothing and the husband cannot afford it, do not ask him for it nor grieve or express regret at not having it; in fact do not even mention it.
5. A woman should conceal her husband's secrets. If she is experiencing a difficult time she should not reveal this to anyone. She should always express joy so that the husband is not grieved. In this manner she will win him over and her respect will increase in his sight.
6. Also remember that if he brings anything for you, always express happiness whether you like the present or not. Do not criticize the present, for that will hurt his feelings and he will never want to bring anything for you, but if you praise it and take it happily it will please him and he will bring something better the next time. Do not be ungrateful to your husband because the one who is ungrateful to any person is ungrateful to Allah. This is the reason why more women will go to hell as mentioned in a hadeeth. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said "I saw many women in hell." Someone asked: "O Prophet of Allah, why are there going to be more women in hell?" Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said " They curse others excessively and are very ungrateful to their husbands". From this, one can gather how sinful it is to be ungrateful to a husband.
7. A successful wife is one that recognizes the husband's nature. You should try and understand his temperament. If he is angry, do not utter something that will increase his anger. Always watch his mood before speaking. If he responds to jokes by expressing happiness then continue doing so, otherwise not. If he is displeased with you, do not sit with a sullen face. Instead plead with him for forgiveness and try to win him over whether it is your fault or not. This will result in his love increasing for you.
8. There are many etiquettes of love without which the claim to love is baseless. Understand well that the relationship between husband and wife cannot arise from a hollow love. With love the respect of the husband is also essential. It is totally wrong to regard the husband's status as your own.
9. The husband's status is more than your father's. Therefore do not ask him to serve you in any manner. If he, out of love begins serving you, do not let him do so. Ask yourself if your father were to do the same would you allow it?
10. Some women first search their husband's pockets when they return from a journey and ask them how much money and how many goods they have brought not realizing that the greatest treasure is the husband himself who has returned safely. Why not be happy and thankful for that? When the husband returns from a journey inquire about his health, his stay and if he experienced any difficulties. Firstly ask him if he is hungry so that you can feed him. When he lies down after having meals, massage his hands and feet. Fan him if it is hot. In short, make him as comfortable as possible.
11. The rights of the husband's parents are very great. When their rights over your husband are so great that without obeying them he cannot be forgiven, then what is your position? You have been commanded to obey your husband and he has been commanded to obey his parents. From this you can gauge how great their rights are upon you. The husband's other relatives also have rights upon you according to their stages.
12. Whatever impression you make in the beginning will be always remembered. From the outset have respect for the elders and mercy for the young. Do not leave any of your work for others nor let your possessions lie around.
13. You may have read the condition of Rasulullah's daughter who used to grind wheat on the mill-stone. Who is a greater princess than her? Therefore do not shy away from any hard work. Do not be hesitant in doing what your mother-in-law and sisters-in-law do. Do it yourself without them telling you. In this way the in-law's love for you will increase.
14. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam has regarded an eavesdropper as a very evil person. Therefore if two persons are speaking softly to each other, separate from them and do not try to find out what they were speaking about. Also do not unnecessarily feel that they were speaking about you as this creates hatred in the heart which wipes out all good deeds.
15. Regard your husband's house as the centre of your hopes. Do not live with dissatisfaction even though the new home and new people cause uneasiness.
16. Every action of yours will be scrutinized. Therefore inculcate a habit of being moderate. Be careful when conversing. Do not chatter too much because it is an evil habit nor be so quiet because this is regarded as pride.
17. If you dislike something at the in-laws, do not backbite about it at home. To inform your mother of every minor thing about your in-laws and for the mother to find out about them is an extremely abominable act. It leads to mutual arguments and disputes and eventually leads to separation.
18. The adage "a slovenly woman's home is in darkness" is famous. Never be negligent in cleanliness. Keep the husband's possessions neat and tidy. Also keep the room clean. You should do all the work yourself. Safeguard all your belongings. Fold the clothes and keep them away. Do not make excuses in doing any task, nor lie because it removes trust and even when the truth is spoken there won't be certainty.
19. The love between husband and wife offends Shaytaan the most. He plans to sow hatred between them, causes doubt and suspicion. Bear this in mind and do not slander on minor doubts, for instance by saying: you joke too much with so and so (female), or you go there very often, or you always sit there. If the husband is innocent you can imagine how hurt he will feel. Added to this is the sin of the hereafter. Even if he has such an evil habit, it will not be remedied in this manner. To do this you will have to use wisdom. Discuss the matter with him in secret. If this method fails to make him realize the evil of the habit, be patient. Do not go around telling everyone and disgracing him. Do not become stern and harsh in order to suppress him as this will only make him adamant and you will eventually suffer. Remember that the simplest way of making him submit is to be loyal and obedient. To express anger and become enraged is a grave mistake and shows lack of intellect.
20. There are many instances to be found where a woman's gentleness and patience have changed the man. If the husband is so wicked that he reaches the extremes in oppressing her, then Allah Ta'ala has destroyed him. Women should not become impatient under any circumstances.
THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN
The nature of children is like a plain paper. Whatever is imprinted on it initially will remain forever. Therefore it is important to create good images on this clean and pure page. Whatever habit, good or evil is inculcated in childhood remains for life. Hereunder a few points relating to the upbringing of children will be mentioned.
1. The first nourishment of a child is the mother's milk. She should partake of halaal and pure food so that the milk which is formed from it is pure. Milk has a great effect on the life of children.
2. Muslim children have to carry the banner of bravery during their lives. They should be taught to be courageous. Women have a habit of frightening children, sometimes from the police and sometimes from some other fearful thing. This is an abominable habit and creates cowardice.
3. Just as a weak plant rots due to excessive water, so are children spoilt when given excessive food and at improper times. Appoint a time for feeding the child so that he remains healthy. Do not overfeed him.
4. Do not decorate them excessively. Yes, do consider their cleanliness and bathe them daily in summer.
5. Do not inculcate a habit in boys of wearing expensive clothing and in girls of wearing jewellery, etc. from the beginning. It is not a commendable habit of having vanity and pride from childhood.
6. Children are covetous by nature. Therefore make an attempt to discard this habit of theirs by teaching them to give food, clothing, money etc. to the poor. In the same manner teach them to distribute food etc. to their brothers and sisters in order to learn the habit of generosity.
7. Children can learn well by means of examples. Explain the evils of eating excessively to them, but do not mention anyone's name.
8. Do not give children so much that they develop the habit of asking nor frustrate them so much that they lose hope. Do not fulfil all their wishes as this spoils their nature.
9. Friends have a great effect. Keep your children away from those who have evil habits, or escape from studies or are used to ceremonious food and clothing.
10. Anger, speaking lies, to be envious of others, stealing, back-biting, defending ones statement, to speak of futile things excessively, to laugh unnecessarily and to deceive are all dangerous characteristics. If the child commits any of them, admonish him immediately.
11. Just as a child is spoilt by impoliteness similarly is he spoilt by excessive affection and love. If he breaks anything or hits someone, punish him accordingly so that he does not repeat the act. If love and affection is shown at such an occasion, it will permanently spoil the child.
12. Encourage acts of piety and inculcate the habit of salaah from the age of seven.
13. When the child is capable of going to Madrasah, make him first learn the Quran. Do not let him abscond.
14. Occasionaly read the stories of the pious to him.
15. Books that besmirch the character are very common. Do not allow him to read books that contain love stories, subject matter that is contrary to the shariat or useless stories and poems etc. Instead, teach him to read books of deen and good morals.
16. Moderation is praiseworthy in every act. Do not bind him to studies all the time. When he returns from madressa, permit him to play for a while so that he becomes active, but the entertainment should not be spiritually or physically harmful.
17. Besides deeni (religious) education, also teach him a trade or profession. Learning a skill will enable him to earn at the time of need and difficulty and support himself and his family.
18. Educate girls, the minimum being such that they can write letters and be able to calculate the expenses of the house.
19. Inculcate in children the habit of doing their work themselves.
20. Remember that when a child does a praiseworthy act he should be congratulated and shown love, in fact he should be rewarded as an encouragement. When he commits a wrong act, he should be reprimanded in privacy and warned not to repeat the crime. If he repeats the act, punish him accordingly.
21. Teach them to respect elders in general and the fathers in particular. The mother should make the child fear the father so that he is respected.
22. Do not allow the child to do any act in secret, whether it is playing, eating, or any other work. Remember that if he does anything in secret he regards it as unlawful. If it is something wrong he should be taught to forget such a habit and if it is good like eating or drinking, he should be taught not to hide and do things suspiciously.
23. Teach the child to do menial tasks and to exercise for physical well-being e.g. calisthenics or walking for a kilometer.
24. Another way of pleasing the child is to give him a few cents occasionally so that he spends them according to his desire, but ensure that he does not buy something without your knowledge nor anything harmful.
25. Remind the child as often as possible of the following etiquettes when partaking of meals:
To begin by saying Bismillah, to eat with the right- hand, to eat from directly in front of himself, not to stare at the food as greedy people do, not to eat hastily, to chew the food properly, not to take another morsel before swallowing the first one, to take the morsel properly so that gravy does not spill onto the clothing and the fingers do not mess unnecessarily, not to move the face when chewing a morsel, not to be bare-headed whilst eating, to wash the hands before and after meals, to drink water with the right hand and in 3 breaths and to praise Allah after eating.
ETIQUETTE OF A GATHERING
Good manners and habits are the best jewels. Whichever woman adorns herself with them will be regarded as the most beloved by all. Whoever you meet, meet them with respect and speak gently. Do not clean your nose in the presence of others. If the need arises, move away from there. If you want to yawn or sneeze, place your hand over your mouth and lower your voice. Do not crack your fingers nor look at someone every now and then unnecessarily. Remain sitting in your place with respect. Do not speak too much nor take an oath for trivial things. Whenever possible do not begin speaking. When someone else speaks, listen attentively so as not to hurt their feelings. However, do not listen if it is something sinful. It will be better to prevent her, or to move away from there. Until a person has finished speaking, do not interrupt. When someone arrives and there is no place in the gathering, move slightly from your place. Sit close together so that there is sufficient place. When meeting someone or departing greet with Assalamu-Alaikum and in answer say Waalaikumus-Salaam. Avoid using words like "hello" and "bye" which are in vogue nowadays.
THE ETIQUETTE WITH THE HUSBAND'S FAMILY
Understand from the outset that noble girls arrive in the bridal car and depart in the funeral bier, i.e. they love the in-laws. To achieve this you have to consider these factors: Respect your mother-in-law in all conditions as you respect your own mother. Always give preference to her pleasure whether you are in difficulty or ease. Do not say something that may distress or displease her. When addressing her, use words that are used for elders. If she admonishes you, heed her advice with silence. Do not back- answer her even though it is something unpleasant and bitter. Serve her as you would serve your mother. If she assigns a task to someone else, go ahead and do it yourself.
Respect your father-in-law as your own father. The same etiquette applies to your father-in-law as we have explained above with regards to the mother-in-law. As far as possible try and comfort him and serve him. If you intend going to some function, take the husband's or father-in-law's or mother-in-law's permission. Proceed only if permission is granted. Treat your husband's brothers wives and his sisters like your own sisters. If they are young treat them like your young sisters, because they will treat you as you treat them. Be patient if the sisters-in-law annoy you. In exchange of harsh treatment react with kindness. Do not mention anyone's faults to others nor speak ill of anyone in his/her absence as this is backbiting which is a major sin. Back-biting is the cause of grief and mutual quarrels. Some women say that we are not lying because this fault is found in that person. Remember that ghibat (backbiting) is to mention someones faults behind his back and if that fault is not in him, it constitutes slander, which is a more serious crime than back-biting. Regarding back-biting there is an incident of a woman who kept on back-biting while she was fasting. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not permit her to break her fast saying that she is not fasting (in reality). When she was ordered to vomit by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, a clot of blood fell from her mouth. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam remarked that she had been back-biting all day long and drinking the blood of people.
Treat the children of your father-in-law or those related to him with extreme compassion. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The person who does not respect the elders nor treats the young with kindness is not of us". As far as possible treat children kindly and elders with respect according to their status. If there is a maid in the house, do not burden her with tasks beyond her ability. If a certain task is difficult assist her with it. Do not speak harshly to her. If she is ill or in some difficulty, help and serve her.
ORGANISATION OF THE HOME
If the house is well-organized it will flourish even though the income is little and the poverty will not be apparent. If the house is not well organized, it will be full of misfortune and poverty, even if the inhabitants are wealthy. The most important factor is estimating the expenses and considering their occasions. There should be moderation in the expenses so that they do not exceed the income, nor should they be so minimal that it leads to miserliness. Allah Ta'ala has expressed contempt in the Holy Quran for those who are extravagant and those who are miserly. Love for wealth will make you hoard it and prevent you from spending it on your necessities. Spend according to your need. Do not desire what the wealthy possess. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "In worldly matters look at the one lower than you, you will be satisfied, but in deeni matters look at those higher than you so that you can be encouraged to do pious acts." Keep everything in its proper place. Only keep those utensils outside which you require often. Keep the rest inside, only removing them when necessary. After the need is fulfilled return them to their places.