hardship of finding a wife

[Tahar]

Mystify: Segregationist practices are unislamic. Every mosque is Allah's, and is open to every Muslim. If you are a practicing muslim, financially stable, and capable to bear responsibility, There is no reason why you can't find a wife. Involve the brothers at your mosque, the imam even, and ask for their help, I am sure they will help you. Anyway, have faith and be assured that it will happen when Allah means it to happen. These things are in Allah's control; your destiny will find you when you least expect it.

 

[Mystify]

I realise racial segregation is not Islamic, but it happens. Many mosques here are named according to the nations. The Albanian community mosque, the Turkish Islamic centre etc etc...

As a woman and an Australian woman at that, if i visited one of these places the members would be quite suspicious of me. It is unfortunate, but it happens. I have visited an Islamic library where they were conducting Arabic classes but i have never set foot in a mosque for these reasons.

I understand it, i mean they come here after fleeing their home country because of war and other hardship, many do not speak english, it is bound to make people stick together with their own people. Add that to recent persecution and racial issues i do not blame them for being this way. Unfortunately, it just makes it very difficult for converts to become part of the community and form relationships with other muslims. Make friends, arrange marriages etc

 

[Dawoodi]

i think for muslimas its easyer

salamu alikum.

i think for sisters its much easyer, particularly reverts.

am i rong? its a shame sure there are many of us with real, honest and serious intentions to please Allah subhanah wata'allah and willing to complet our deen.

but there must be something very rong now days, and there must be a islamic way to find a solution.

i belive that dunnia has a lot to do with it.

when i read the history of our beloved prophet asaw and his wifes (mapt) and the wifes of the companions (mabt) i wander...
they were content so easily at least most of the time.

it wast just nesesary to be a beliver at that time to be accepted as husband.

now days its a nigthmare!!!

were are u from?

are u profetional?

do u have a house?

are u resident or need a visa?

how much do u earn a year?

would you alowme to go shoping?

etc... and the mos silly questions



salam w

 

[Tahar]

Mystify: I apologies, I mistook you for a man. Anyway, the same principle applies. The sisters at the mosque should be your source for help. And if these people aren't aware of what Islam is about, then it is your duty to take the lead and teach them. Play a leadership role in your community and show by example. You sound very intelligent; you definitely can do it.

PS: Nowadays, 30 is not too late for marriage. Be patient, Allah will provide.

 

[audie7476]

not only culture

:salam2:
After ages of hiding, I thought I'd like to discuss this matter.
It's not only culture that prevents someone to find a good spouse. In my experience, it's quite difficult to find a husband because of my educational background. Having going through to where I am now (sort of PhD studies), most Muslim males drew themselves back when finding it out. It's silly though... but it happened! :astag:
So, be patient, as Allah Says in Holy Qur'an surah Yusuf ayah 87:
"... and despair not of Allah's mercy; surely none despairs of Allah's mercy except the unbelieving people."

 

[Dawoodi]

all dunnia matters

salam w

as i said before its all about dunnia.

i belive its a matter of the expectations brothers and sisters have, wich are not very realistic, and offen materialistic.

it should it be enough piety, and good intentions, real love happens after marriage, its all up to real good intentions on pleasing allah subhanah wata'allah.

its so simple if we learn our duties.

who cares about a degree, or salary, or nationality if a muslim dose there is somthing to work out.

i can understand men been tretened by a phd, or age etc.

so i gues if some one cares about those issues then is not rigth for us isnt it?

MAy Allah subhanah wata'allah gide us and provide for our need ameen.

salamu alikum

 

[audie7476]

True... purify our heart and straighten our intentions, all for the sake of Allah 'Azza wa Jalla.

It's the duty of the youths to gain as much as possible the real knowledge of Islam, free from culture biases, materialistic things etc.

We must put our highest love to Allah. Have 'taqwa' and be persevering in all what Allah gives us. May He Ta'ala guide all Muslims to the straight path. Amin..

Wassalaam

 

[zarah]

Assalamu Alaikum

Assalamu ALaykum,

May i remind people the purpose of this website. Jazakallahu khayr.

You can discuss marriage, but all out ADS asking for marriage are not allowed here. This is because it will attract wrong crowd to this site. And last thing we want is this site becoming base for marriage seekers.

Its difficult Moderating the website as it is. It is a big pain trying to stop people from using website for wrong reasons.

We here to learn and discuss Islam.

Please stick to the rules.

Your handsome, tall and single Administrator. Dare i mention humerous.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, back to the main thread, Of course Islamically it does not matter who a person is and where they are from. We look at their Islam

Although, this does not mean we rule out culture altogether. Some people simply do not understand how family work. How we sit and stand, talk etc. Its difficult to explain. But, at times people can be like aliens from another planet. I guess people can learn and some people are better than others at adapting.

But it depends from person to person. What people want.

The Most important thing i believe is that people take their time. Never rush something as important as marriage. We going to be spending rest of our lives with this person and they are to be like best friends, sharing ups and downs and strengthening each others faith.

Wasalam

:salam2:

Well said...,except one bit of joke that I think was not relevant(LOL) "Your handsome, tall and single Administrator. Dare i mention humerous."

 

[marzuki mohamed]

:salam2: bro mabsoot


i agree with you on this bro mabsoot..we must bring back this site to its basic objective level.

so it will stay in a correct manner for a source of information for muslim & new muslim worlwide.

anyhow there is nothing wrong to discuss about this topic as well..

..plus nowday there was a lot of tread that is not important to discuss here are being discuss here as well.

correct me if im wrong my bro & sis..

wasalam.

 

[Dawoodi]

salamu alikum w.

salam w.

i think personaly that marriage its a very importan topic in Islam and more now days, as it is very clear many brothers and sisters have problems to find a partner.

shouldnt we try to find out a solution here?

also isnt our duty to help our brothers in need?

i understand we obiously dont want this plase to became a matrimonial site, but why to be afraid to discuse this issues openly.

i'm more than oppen to sugestions.

salam w.

 

[samiha]

Assalam.

Yes, marrige is an important topic, however, this is not a matrimonial site as was stated before.

shouldnt we try to find out a solution here?

Here... not really but I'm sure Islamic Horizons is open 4 suggestions

(that's a joke, but idk if everyone knows what Islamic Horizons is... ah well)

 

[alias_hunter]

:salam2:

I heard about these "Matrimonial Banquets" some of you might be interested in. Lol I'm aware I probably made myself a reputation around here for reasons almost contradicting to this thread but hear me out. It's sort of like speed-datin... erm speed-banquetting with the opposite sex accompanied by your parents. Just read the article, I'm probably demonizing it with with my descriptions -_-

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/19/u...087e973e45244c&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

By NEIL MacFARQUHAR
CHICAGO — So here’s the thing about speed dating for Muslims.Many American Muslims — or at least those bent on maintaining certain conservative traditions — equate anything labeled “dating” with hellfire, no matter how short a time is involved. Hence the wildly popular speed dating sessions at the largest annual Muslim conference in North America were given an entirely more respectable label. They were called the “matrimonial banquet.”“If we called it speed dating, it will end up with real dating,” said Shamshad Hussain, one of the organizers, grimacing.Both the banquet earlier this month and various related seminars underscored the difficulty that some American Muslim families face in grappling with an issue on which many prefer not to assimilate. One seminar, called “Dating,” promised attendees helpful hints for “Muslim families struggling to save their children from it.”The couple of hundred people attending the dating seminar burst out laughing when Imam Muhamed Magid of the Adams Center, a collective of seven mosques in Virginia, summed up the basic instructions that Muslim American parents give their adolescent children, particularly males: “Don’t talk to the Muslim girls, ever, but you are going to marry them. As for the non-Muslim girls, talk to them, but don’t ever bring one home.”“These kids grew up in America, where the social norm is that it is O.K. to date, that it is O.K. to have sex before marriage,” Imam Magid said in an interview. “So the kids are caught between the ideal of their parents and the openness of the culture on this issue.”The questions raised at the seminar reflected just how pained many American Muslims are by the subject. One middle-aged man wondered if there was anything he could do now that his 32-year-old son had declared his intention of marrying a (shudder) Roman Catholic. A young man asked what might be considered going too far when courting a Muslim woman.

Panelists warned that even seemingly innocuous e-mail exchanges or online dating could topple one off the Islamic path if one lacked vigilance. “All of these are traps of the Devil to pull us in and we have no idea we are even going that way,” said Ameena Jandali, the moderator of the dating seminar.

Hence the need to come up with acceptable alternatives in North America, particularly for families from Pakistan, India and Bangladesh, where there is a long tradition of arranged marriages.

One panelist, Yasmeen Qadri, suggested that Muslim mothers across the continent band together in an organization called “Mothers Against Dating,” modeled on Mothers Against Drunk Driving. If the term “arranged marriage” is too distasteful to the next generation, she said, then perhaps the practice could be Americanized simply by renaming it “assisted marriage,” just like assisted living for the elderly.

“In the United States we can play with words however we want, but we are not trying to set aside our cultural values,” said Mrs. Qadri, a professor of education.

Basically, for conservative Muslims, dating is a euphemism for premarital sex. Anyone who partakes risks being considered morally louche, with their marriage prospects dimming accordingly, particularly young women.

Mrs. Qadri and other panelists see a kind of hybrid version emerging in the United States, where the young do choose their own mates, but the parents are at least partly involved in the process in something like half the cases.

Having the families involved can help reduce the divorce rate, Imam Majid said, citing a recent informal study that indicated that one third of Muslim marriages in the United States end in divorce. It was still far too high, he noted, but lower than the overall American average. Intermarriages outside Islam occur, but remain relatively rare, he said.

Scores of parents showed up at the marriage banquet to chaperone their children. Many had gone through arranged marriages — meeting the bride or groom chosen by their parents sometimes as late as their wedding day and hoping for the best. They recognize that the tradition is untenable in the United States, but still want to influence the process.

The banquet is considered one preferable alternative to going online, although that too is becoming more common. The event was unquestionably one of the big draws at the Islamic Society of North America’s annual convention, which attracted thousands of Muslims to Chicago over Labor Day weekend, with many participants bemoaning the relatively small pool of eligible candidates even in large cities.

There were two banquets, with a maximum 150 men and 150 women participating each day for $55 apiece. They sat 10 per table and the men rotated every seven minutes.

At the end there was an hourlong social hour that allowed participants time to collect e-mail addresses and telephone numbers over a pasta dinner with sodas. (Given the Muslim ban on alcohol, no one could soothe jumpy nerves with a drink.) Organizers said many of the women still asked men to approach their families first. Some families accept that the couple can then meet in public, some do not.

A few years ago the organizers were forced to establish a limit of one parent per participant and bar them from the tables until the social hour because so many interfered. Parents are now corralled along one edge of the reception hall, where they alternate between craning their necks to see who their adult children are meeting or horse-trading bios, photographs and telephone numbers among themselves.

Talking to the mothers — and participants with a parent usually take a mother — is like surveying members of the varsity suddenly confined to the bleachers.

“To know someone for seven minutes is not enough,” scoffed Awila Siddique, 46, convinced she was making better contacts via the other mothers.

Mrs. Siddique said her shy, 20-year-old daughter spent the hours leading up to the banquet crying that her father was forcing her to do something weird. “Back home in Pakistan, the families meet first,’’ she said. “You are not marrying the guy only, but his whole family.”

Samia Abbas, 59 and originally from Alexandria, Egypt, bustled out to the tables as soon as social hour was called to see whom her daughter Alia, 29, had met.

“I’m her mother so of course I’m looking for her husband,” said Mrs. Abbas, ticking off the qualities she was looking for, including a good heart, handsome, as highly educated as her daughter and a good Muslim.

Did he have to be Egyptian?

“She’s desperate for anyone!” laughed Alia, a vivacious technology manager for a New York firm, noting that the “Made in Egypt” stipulation had long since been cast overboard.

“Her cousin who is younger has babies now!” exclaimed the mother, dialing relatives on her cellphone to handicap potential candidates.

For doubters, organizers produced a success story, a strikingly good-looking pair of Chicago doctors who met at the banquet two years ago. Organizers boast of at least 25 marriages over the past six years.

Fatima Alim, 50, was disappointed when her son Suehaib, a 26-year-old pharmacist, did not meet anyone special on the first day. They had flown up from Houston especially for the event, and she figured chances were 50-50 that he would find a bride.

When she arrived in Texas as a 23-year-old in an arranged marriage, Mrs. Alim envied the girls around her, enthralled by their discussions about all the fun they were having with their boyfriends, she said, even if she was eventually shocked to learn how quickly they moved from one to the next and how easily they divorced. Still, she was determined that her children would chose their own spouses.

“We want a good, moderate Muslim girl, not a very, very modern girl,” she said. “The family values are the one thing I like better back home. Divorces are high here because of the corruption, the intermingling with other men and other women.”

For his part, Mr. Alim was resisting the strong suggestion from his parents that they switch tactics and start looking for a nice girl back in Pakistan. Many of the participants reject that approach, describing themselves as too Americanized — plus the visas required are far harder to obtain in the post-Sept. 11 world.

Mr. Alim said he still believed what he had been taught as a child, that sex outside marriage was among the gravest sins, but he wants to marry a fellow American Muslim no matter how hard she is to find.

“I think I can hold out a couple more years,” he said in his soft Texas drawl with a boyish smile. “The sooner the better, but I think I can wait. By 30, hopefully, even if that is kind of late.”

 

[Globalpeace]

Asslamo Allaikum,

Differences in people (culture, likes, dislikes etc.) is a fascinating subject…

In my humble opinion you may be a practising Muslim but still not be “compatible” with another person which is what the Qur’aan stress in the word “Kuf’uu”…

We all have our likes like in fragrances, clothing, mannerism, habits which could all be permissible in Islam yet different. Our experiences and exposures also help shape them e.g. there is an interesting article on BBC today (30NOV) about a Pakistani who lived in UK for 30 years and never had a white friend…So if we extend his example (hypothetically off course) lets say that he was practising then what do we think will happen if he is to marry a revert sister from the black-country (Midlands-UK) with an accent (I find it to be an accent others might disagree ) ??? I may get along with a sister from Mississippi but not from North Dakota (no offence to the residents to that lovely state as throughout my life is USA I never met anyone from there ) …Point I am trying to make (crudely if you permit me) is that problem exists both ways (brothers & sisters) and we have to think very hard about a potential partner.

We (men, women & all) can all be arranged in the bouquet of Islam yet appear significantly different, liked or disliked by people of particular taste as people make difference choices…

It’s not about going to someone’s house and asking for their hand in marriage, meet, communicate, investigate the person as it is yours (& her) right in Islam before making the decision and it’s not easy brother...My case was strange that I ended up marrying my land-lords niece so they dissected me for over 2 years while I never knew her but due to the grace of Allah (SWT) no regrets…I do know from my nieces etc who are married to husbands from other cultures that its hard but compatibility between them (& Islam: the biggest factor) has helped them overcome the issues and they are happy…

Recent spate of break-ups amongst Muslims do sadden me perhaps our younger brothers/sisters have a “too simplistic, one-dimensional” view of the world i.e. “I am Muslim, pray etc.” & “He/She does” so how can this not workout?

Jazakullah Khairun

P.S: Sorry for further muddying the water, bro…but just trying to help

 

[Delyan]

helping u in our du3a

El salam aaleykom,

Maybe can u go to mosques, this is the best way I guess inshalah and also ask our brothers there.
May Allah Help you to find a pious bride inshalah ameen

sister Delyan
wa salam

 

[Globalpeace]

Asslamo Allaikum All,

Matrimonial Banquets!




Sorry...Didn't to fall off my chair laughin (slap on the wrist)

 

[samiha]

:salam2:

oh hahaha... you are just laughing reading... i was there.

I saw the tables and everything... i was kind of wierd and i couldn't beleive people would do this. I mean i don't think i could, you would find me behind gigantic curtains rather than that.... completely embarrasing. But then again, my parents would never do that. :lol:

Wassalam.

 

[shabnum]

:salam2:

lol this is funny, may allah find you all the right partners inshallah ameen, my duas are with you all, im waiting to get married im pakistani and race does not matter to me weither hes black or white or what ever race as long as hes a good practicing muslim thats all matters. and my family are pretty kool about it my brother in law is black american, and hes a muslim.

hey jameela are you sure you aint related to me sis lol?

 

[hussain.mahammed]

Aaozubillahi minas shaitanir razeem Bismillahi Rahmanir Raheem
Alhamdulillah by going through the replies and ofcourse going through so many articles on husband to wife relation I feel content.I had some problems few weeks back about getting married and all these..( ofcourse I am not going to discuss that and I am not yet married..)
But Masha Allah its all upto Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala to decide and choose for us.We are just HIS servants. HE knows what is best for us. HE is more closer to us than us. So we should leave all matters to HIM. Our task is to follow the Quran and The Sunnah. Whatever is in it will automatically follow in our lives.
Pray Salatul Istikharah and Salatul Hajah
Insha Allah .. Allah guides those whom He wills and whom He guideth not there is not guide.
I pray to Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala for all my brothers and sisters, who got married , that may all of them have a happy and prosperous family and live and ultimately get to Jannatul Firdaus together...
And to those who are not yet married , May Allah guide you and help you meet your future spouse and may you have a lively family following the teachings of Prophet Muhammed and ultimately get to Jannatul Firdaus together with your spouse.
May Allah help us, guide us and always be with us.
Walaikum as salam wa rahmatullahi wabrakatuhu
Brother sarfaraz

 

[ibn azem]

:salam2:

I pray to Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala for all my brothers and sisters, who got married , that may all of them have a happy and prosperous family and live and ultimately get to Jannatul Firdaus together...
And to those who are not yet married , May Allah guide you and help you meet your future spouse and may you have a lively family following the teachings of Prophet Muhammed and ultimately get to Jannatul Firdaus together with your spouse.
May Allah help us, guide us and always be with us.

Ameen to your du'a brother!

wassalaam.

 

[Globalpeace]

Asslamo Allaikum Brother,

Finding a wife is done through contacts by "traditional Muslims" and has been for generations...A vast majority of Muslims who have immigrated to the West can't seem to grasp some simple facts:

1) They have migrated FROM a single ethnic, single Madhab, close-knit community (of their homelands) to a multi ethnic, melting pot communities in the West where we are desperately trying to hold on to our Islam so we are ALL in the same boat

2) Their daughter’s outlook on life (although they may be practising) has changed and their way of thinking is no longer rooted in the neighbourhood where their parents come from

3) Culture & Islam are 2 different things...they may converge or they may NOT & when they don't Islam should take priority


Revert and born Muslim sisters (grown up in the West) often have problems entrusting their affairs to a Wali (guardians) or sometimes have problems even finding someone they trust & for someone who runs their lives themselves (work, study etc.) it may be hard to let go & hand control to someone else…


These are only “some” of the problems to confront with!

Problem has to be understood first BEFORE a solution can be found…

We (in the West) are often trying to shoe-horn western solution (Matrimonial Banquets!, Speed dating etc.) to solve an Islamic problem

In the Asian & Arab culture it is not nice for the man to approach the Wali (guardians) directly so work on CONTACTS!

In my experience it is similar to finding a JOB (no disrespect intended)…

1) Study the situation
2) Do your research
3) Use all available means to achieve the objective (friends, families, Masjid, Web, Islamic magazine etc.)
4) Build up contacts (VERY IMPORTANT)
5) Don’t let NO’s get to you
6) It is better to ask then to assume
7) Etc. etc. etc.

Jazakullah Khairuun