Heart says one thing, Mind says another

I am sorry to trouble you all, I am just so lost and ‘livingdaybyday’. Please bear with my long story, I am sorry. The story is very long so I will leave out a lot parts.

I got married in 2013 (arranged marriage), my wife left my home 3 months later and stayed at her parents for 7 weeks. During the next few months she got pregnant but spent most of her time at her parents, which was a 4 hour drive from me. During the later stages of pregnancy she stayed with me longer as she couldn’t travel. Alhamdulillah we had a beautiful child. We would argue a lot as she would literally do nothing, I came home to drawn curtains her sleeping, I would wake up make my own breakfast, come home heat my own food. She always wanted to go back to her parents, I would come home from work and she would expect me to drive 4 hours to drop her off. I didn’t want her to do anything for me, just welcome me with a smile, yet I came home to her in front of the TV with a ‘’face on’’. I would ask her what was wrong and I would get the ‘nothing’ so I would sit on the edge of the bed until she was ok (this was before being and during pregnancy). Anything I asked meant I was treating her as a ‘slave’, yet I was expected to cater to her every whim.

Her parents visited and asked if she could go back with them I said no as we had just got married and needed time together. Well when they were leaving the cries and howls I heard from her and her mother was unbelievable, as if someone had died. I was so embarrassed in front of so many family. Of course in the room I was ignored and got the silent treatment. The very next day her brother came round, he was ‘just’ in the area doing business and is it ok if he took my wife back to their parents. I was just flabbergasted.

I tried to understand she was far from home, maybe it was pregnancy hormones. I tried everything but nothing I did was good enough. 2014 her dad called screaming at her why she lent me some money (he had opened up her letters which were still going to his house). She lent me it for help with deposit of a new flat. She cried so much, I went next to her and asked what was wrong, what did her dad say, I got shouted at by her and I whimpered away like an injured animal. I stopped being a man. Her dad told her never to go back to his house and she was ‘disowned’ by him. Next two weeks my life was hell, and I woke up from a nap to find her and my son missing. She had taken him and went back to her parents. This is October 2014.

I drove up to see her and my son late one day, remember it’s a 4 hour journey. Once I got there, suddenly no answer on phone. I foolishly waited for 12 hours, yes I slept in my car for her and my son, I am not ashamed of it. I was begging for a duvet, it was so cold, but all my messages were ignored. Next day I saw the door open and I was let in for 20 minutes to see my son. I did not see my wife that day or my in laws just her brother. Everything I took for my son bags of clothes, nappies etc, my mother in law ordered her daughter in law to shove it back in my car. I was heartbroken, yup I cried all the way back home. Few weeks later she changed her number and my parents, mutual family friends, my uncles everyone tried to sit down and talk and her dad would shout and put the phone down time and time again. They did not want to sit down.

Eventually she made contact for her stuff, but I did not speak of divorce or anything. I went to court to get access to my son as I was denied this for over 10 months. I tried everything to avoid court. So seeing my son every 2 weeks for a day, staying in a hotel 10 minutes from my in laws you can imagine how I felt.

She did come home, whilst I was at work to take all her stuff, so I had to rush home. She arrived with the police, her brother and her brother’s friend.

Over the next few weeks, months she would hint at coming back, then at last minute change mind and this happened 3 or 4 times to the point I had enough and filed for English divorce. She completely opposed it and said she didn’t want a divorce and asked me to stop it so we can try once more. She made it clear her family will not get involved and wanted nothing to do with this anymore (they have not once made an attempt to fix this). So I did stop it for the sake of my child’s future, after 5 weeks of communication we decided I could go pick her on a Saturday, well two days before Saturday she text that she needed more time and hoped I understood. Well I didn’t understand.

I have been separated for 16 months, living alone, working and doing everything on my own, cooking, cleaning, literally everything and it is hard, and it hurts. I appreciate a woman’s role, like my mother so much more.

I don’t know what to do, I was ready to let go and I got false hope again, and I don’t understand if I am being taking for a ride or she is just confused or what. I think it is clear that although she says she ‘loves’ me I don’t think she does and she does not want a life with her husband. What is the game, if she does not want me why not accept the divorce. I am so confused.

So here I am living day by day, not knowing which way to turn.

Any advice or thoughts away from family members would be so helpful for me


Junior Member
Brother, I shall give a general advice, an advice we all need. Look inside yourself , try to correct your relation with Allah subhanahu wa taaala first then with other people: your family, your friends........etc. I read your story and MashAllah you have saber ( patience ) great thing. Since you can't change your wife or her family, start with yourself. Do what you can to correct your mistakes and mend your personality. Then be more clear and strong with your wife. The woman doesn't like the weak man . Yes you should be kind and loving but not weak. I believe that divorce is the worst thing and your child will suffer the consequence of it all his life. Try to be more strict and clear. Try to understand your wife, why can't you make her happy ?? May Allah gather you and your family again peacefully .
Thank you so much for your reply, actually you are 100% right. I need to correct myself first, and also about her not liking weak, when I am weak she goes back to that nasty person she can be. Pray for me sister.

Abu Juwairiya

Junior Member
Assalammu Alaikum Brother. There is not much more than can be added to what the Sister said, but I hope inshallah, in case you don't already have them, the attachments enclosed will help in some way.

Remember Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear and all hardships can result in making you stronger, firmer and more resolute and resilient. Your personal struggles and convictions are known to Allah and He will not abandon you. When the time comes, solutions will present themselves and He will show you how to overcome your hurdles and retain your inner strength and develop further where necessary.

As the sister said your relationship with Allah, reliance on Him, positive opinions on His course of action of your life, family circumstances and responsibilities can and will determine your future.


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