I like someone who drinks

[Sehrish_809]

Salaam everyone,

I am in a huge dilemma. I like someone and he likes me very much as well..we got close as friends and nothing extreme in terms of physical contact happened between us. He believes in Islam but does certain things that are haraam such as drink, eat non-halal (not pork), and didn't pray all the time. The first time we had a serious conversation about us being together (even before he formally asked me to be with him) he revealed all his bad habits. I told him clearly that I cannot be with him and things will not work between us because I am religious and there is no way I want to have a future with someone who drinks. He understands me and my values; he says he will give up drinking and I made it clear that there is no point if he gives it up for me he has to give it up because it is a sin. He said I am right and his family would say the same so he will try to give it up. The good thing is that he could've pretended and said "Oh I give it up right away." but he keeps on saying he wants to give it up for the right reasons so he will not lie and take his time..he said he himself wants to give it up...he started as a university student who wanted to try it and now himself feels its wrong. I talked to him about praying and now he makes effort to do that from his own end. I am so confused. I like him and I see myself with him if he gave up drinking for the right reasons. Should I trust him? Am I being a good Muslim?? He tells me I'm a good influence. I told him that I cannot be with him unless he gives it up for the right reasons and cannot commit to him. I am pretty sure he wants to marry me and I don't know what to do. What if he gives it up only with the hopes of getting with me...and then I marry him and it comes back. Am I being a good Muslim...I'm born in a Muslim family and have always followed things from my heart such as praying, fasting etc and truly believed in my religion from a young age. Please help me.

 

[Mabsoot]

Wa alaykum salam,

Welcome to the site sister. According to Islam, if someone does not pray, drinks alcohol and does not eat halal - they are not suitable for marriage to a religiously minded person. These are major signs of weak iman and a lack of concern for pleasing Allah.

In sha Allah, I will return to complete this answer.

 

[SonOfAdam]

Wa Aleykum Selam Sister,

Welcome to the website.

Please read this as kind advice, you sound like a very nice person and good sister to me mashallah. I wish to protect you as an older brother inshallah and save you from more possible harm.

Sister I think if you read what you wrote you will see that this man is only causing you pain and to fall into sin. Look up "Barsisa" from the Stories of the Israliyyat inshallah. Your situation remind me of this story of Barsisa a pious person that ended up falling into so many major sins, it is a long story but a very interesting story full of good advice. Please note, stories of the Israliyyat are stories that we got from Christians and Jews that became Muslim in the past, so we do not believe or disbelieve like injeel but we can take good life lessons from them, such as the story about Barsisa.

Like Barsisa you think you are doing good by trying to bring this brother closer to Allah and this is your hope but it is not working, rather it is causing you to fall into sin. It is most likely was was of sheytan. And sheytan will not stop until you do the ultimate major sins and destroy yourself... next step will be "Maybe if I truly open up to him and do what he wants, then he will be a good Muslim"... no way jose..... And knowing men, I don't think this brother is after you for your piety... brothers like this that drink and are into dunya don't know enough about Islam and don't have the proper fear of Allah SWT, they also don't know or care about how serious and severe their actions are. Had they known, they would not be doing these sins to begin with afterall, right? They are capable of anything... so never be alone with him again inshallah. NEVER BE ALONE WITH THIS BROTHER. The same advice can be applied to Brothers inshallah, we are weaker than women even when it comes to this topic... we will look for any excuse. So we must remember the story of Yusuf and women with knives inshallah.

I would cut all relations with him before you fall more into sin and get any deeper in your relationship with him. It may hurt now but in a couple years time you will look back and think it is the best decision you ever made ins. Tell him to fear Allah SWT. Give him a list of the ayat on the punishments of drinking alcohol, they are quite awful, subhanallah. And advise him to read the Quran to gain knowledge and to Pray that Allah SWT guides him. I think you done enough of the nice sister approach, as you sound like you have spent lots of time with him alone (which is not correct, you should not do this and you know why). It is time to lay down the law- you change or you go- I told you from day one what I want and this wont work, so leave me alone etc. Just think how nice and pure of a person you were before meeting this brother ins, you told him flat out that you were not interested but he persisted until he made you fall into sin. Be stronger sister inshallah, your faith and religious knowledge is your most valuable asset, do not change or bend it for anyone. Your entire life and akhira relies on it and if you marry such a man you will have so many problems your whole life, even your kids will be a problem, Allah forbid. So do not approach him until he is a good Muslim and you are 110% sure of it.

I know he is pleasing to you but this life is nothing sister, our goal is the next life and you should try to find a more pious brother inshallah like yourself to gain the most ajr, not gain all kinds of fitnah and horrible things around you that this brother is giving, don't deny it- look at his character and actions, what does he really seek? If you leave this brother, meaning cut all relations, he will more quickly stop his ways inshallah too if he was truly sincere about his feelings to you. If he does not change after that, then you will know that he was not genuine with you and would never have changed anyway. But either way it is not your problem or your responsibility, you have done your part already and gave him good advice, it is up to him to take it now.

Whoever obeys the messenger, he indeed obeys Allah, and whoever turns back, so We have not sent you as a keeper over them. [Quran 4:80]

Don't listen to his tricks to worm his way back into your life ins. either like he did before after you cut him off. Be firm but also be-careful that you don't get a stalker or anything or that he exposes your relationship to others, like these brothers with poor character and lack of fear of Allah SWT are likely to do- they can do anything.

I think a lot of us come from a background where there are lots of sinning around us and some of us were once doing them (drinking, and much worse), but then Allah showed us guidance, Elhamdulillah, and now we would hate to go back to this sort of lifestyle and would much rather die as believers with iman as a weak Muslim that drinks. Elhamdulillah Allah saved me from this fitnah, I am just speaking in general to relate to some reverts, previously non-practicing brothers, etc. So inshallah make dua for him too and advise him in a good way so he can leave these sins and submit himself to Allah and be a good Muslim, but be firm still say the relationship is over and you decided and for him to not even try to talk to you again. Allah has guided the worst people to Islam that make this brother look like an angel. The reward of the Hereafter is much sweeter than alcohol.... you will have rivers of alcohol in Jennah, one is called Kawthar. Tell him you can finish that whole river your first day in jennah inshallah, but this life it has been made forbidden- he may like such an analogy since his heart is attached to alcohol. It sounds like he comes from a religious or conservative family too, so he should know better himself- why do you even have to tell him? Some people are weak and fall into peer pressure and these vices easier than others, some people cannot come out of them either. I know you want him to be good but this is not your responsibility, everyone is responsible for their own actions.

Also, drinking is not as bad as your personal relationship, this is more disturbing sister. Drinking is bad of course but the personal relationship is much more dangerous...

Tell him to go the Mosque and Jumah ins. and gain real knowledge, Islamic knowledge. That is the man you really seek not a drunkard foolish person (it is shameful to be Muslim drunkard). You can be frank like this with men... he needs a wake up call, take the Quran or Hadith and stick it in his face and say read this ayat. Has he even read the Quran, I wonder? So sister, you don't have anything in common with him accept for this infactuation that will be gone as soon as you destroy yourself, Allah forbid. And you will just be left with grief and guilt.

Again, you are going down a very dangerous road and may fall into some major sins. May Allah protect you from this evil.

Please do what you think is best, had I been in your situation knowing what I know, I would do the above ins. Fear Allah sister, you know better! You are a very nice sister mashallah, you deserve so much better... I know so many good brothers that have everything this brother has and more ins. Stop wasting your time with him, you are just going to end in heartbreak and regret, Allahu Alim.

Get away as fast as you can and as clean as you can, run like there is no tomorrow, run like the wind and never look back inshallah.

 

[T_E_S]

Istikhara, thats what you need to do.

Allah knows best.

Me, the cynic in me says someone will promise to do or not do anything, will say whatever, just to appease who they want/need to or get what they want.

But tea, Istikhara.