Noor El-Huda
Junior Member
Has been a muslim for 5 years, this is the strange thing. He's had enough exposure to the religion, as not to be reaciting in this way.
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- Thread starter Noor El-Huda
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Has been a muslim for 5 years, this is the strange thing. He's had enough exposure to the religion, as not to be reaciting in this way.
katieanneb
Junior Member
Assalemu alaikom,
I must say I agree totally with sister Aapa when she says that we often have already made up our minds about how to act and simply ask for advice to support our decisions! It's easy to take the advice that suits us, that justifies our actions, or relieves us of feelings of guilt, because 'he' or 'she' said that's what we should do.
Having said that, if you fear for your religion, that staying with this man is going to be detrimental, and if you're sure you want out, then go ahead. But be honest with yourself and your husband. If it's going to be too difficult to make a bad job better, then move on. Women are all too often prepared to play the role of a martyr, to carry the burden of the entire world on their shoulders. I don't quite know why, maybe to feel "important". And another thing women do is to think that if I just keep quiet then it will all sort itself out somehow. It's like putting your head in the sand. I know it is not easy to be the strong one in any relationship, having to "carry" the other, and if it's too much for you then accept that. I do, however, agree with Aapa that you must try to discuss things directly with your husband, maybe he has "issues" he needs to sort out. If then it still seems an impossible situation, then act accordingly. May Allah guide you in these difficult times, and allow you to make the correct decision.
Wa Allahu aalem.
I must say I agree totally with sister Aapa when she says that we often have already made up our minds about how to act and simply ask for advice to support our decisions! It's easy to take the advice that suits us, that justifies our actions, or relieves us of feelings of guilt, because 'he' or 'she' said that's what we should do.
Having said that, if you fear for your religion, that staying with this man is going to be detrimental, and if you're sure you want out, then go ahead. But be honest with yourself and your husband. If it's going to be too difficult to make a bad job better, then move on. Women are all too often prepared to play the role of a martyr, to carry the burden of the entire world on their shoulders. I don't quite know why, maybe to feel "important". And another thing women do is to think that if I just keep quiet then it will all sort itself out somehow. It's like putting your head in the sand. I know it is not easy to be the strong one in any relationship, having to "carry" the other, and if it's too much for you then accept that. I do, however, agree with Aapa that you must try to discuss things directly with your husband, maybe he has "issues" he needs to sort out. If then it still seems an impossible situation, then act accordingly. May Allah guide you in these difficult times, and allow you to make the correct decision.
Wa Allahu aalem.
Assalaam walaikum,
It is so good to see you posting again.
Divorce is difficult on a Muslim woman...trust me on that one...there are times I think I must have a stench the way I am treated by other sisters.
Discussion is the key...what happened to good old honesty and telling your partner what you have on your mind...this telling everyone else but the person concerned..pollutes honest communication with your partner.
It is so good to see you posting again.
Divorce is difficult on a Muslim woman...trust me on that one...there are times I think I must have a stench the way I am treated by other sisters.
Discussion is the key...what happened to good old honesty and telling your partner what you have on your mind...this telling everyone else but the person concerned..pollutes honest communication with your partner.
Noor El-Huda
Junior Member
Dear Aapa,
I do value and respect your stance, although you can be a little toughie sometimes :shymuslima1: It is always helpful to see the opposite view, because it means one gets to see things from more than one angle.
Omar ra was a tough one too, though he is loved, valued and respected.
I do know exactly what you're saying about the difficulty of divorce for a muslim woman, as sad to say, I've been there too, and this would be my second time.
Though, sometimes in life it just becomes 'decision time' especially when you feel that you have talked about situation and concience is clear, that you have done all you can in terms of explaining, time and effort.
What makes this particualr case complicated is that there were issues of threats and, giving him more time could come at a cost. had this not been the case, I do agree with you 100% that is worth investing the best of your efforts in a marriage because divorce is a calamity and a test from Allah swt, nothing to be taken lightly.
Feel free to pour your wisdom! Jazaki Allah kheir.
I do value and respect your stance, although you can be a little toughie sometimes :shymuslima1: It is always helpful to see the opposite view, because it means one gets to see things from more than one angle.
Omar ra was a tough one too, though he is loved, valued and respected.
I do know exactly what you're saying about the difficulty of divorce for a muslim woman, as sad to say, I've been there too, and this would be my second time.
Though, sometimes in life it just becomes 'decision time' especially when you feel that you have talked about situation and concience is clear, that you have done all you can in terms of explaining, time and effort.
What makes this particualr case complicated is that there were issues of threats and, giving him more time could come at a cost. had this not been the case, I do agree with you 100% that is worth investing the best of your efforts in a marriage because divorce is a calamity and a test from Allah swt, nothing to be taken lightly.
Feel free to pour your wisdom! Jazaki Allah kheir.
Assalaam walaikum,
Sister you are too kind.
I am forever positive..and that is because of Islam. It teaches us to search for solutions before giving up.
You have a complicated issue. Trust me..been there and done that. It took a while for this heart of mine to heal. I had no choice. It was a fork down the road..I know in hindsight it was a blessing.
Sister, your husband is a Believer. He needs more reassurance. He is still in the ring with you. He has not bailed out. If I recall correctly your disagreements are more of a philosophical and cultural nature.
And men need space. They feel more manly when they give direction..that is where the famous saying Yes dear comes in.. so he doesn't want to watch Islamic videos..so what.
Many feel that in marriage we have to be glued together. No, we are still individual souls that unite. Men are not as social as women. They can sit with each other and I have timed them and not say a word..and be happy..we would last three seconds..before the Girl..let me tell you something starts.
You are his salvation. Let him digest the vastness of Islam at his own pace. Men are peculiar sister, they have to do it on their own.
You have to stay focused on what makes you happy. Let your husband see the joy you hold. Let you love be so strong that he will melt like butter on a hot summer day.
The choice is your to focus on the negative or the positive. Use this time to grow yourself. Busy yourself in the service to Allah. And make dua sister. Make your husband feel secure in his faith by the way you practice yours.
Sister you are too kind.
I am forever positive..and that is because of Islam. It teaches us to search for solutions before giving up.
You have a complicated issue. Trust me..been there and done that. It took a while for this heart of mine to heal. I had no choice. It was a fork down the road..I know in hindsight it was a blessing.
Sister, your husband is a Believer. He needs more reassurance. He is still in the ring with you. He has not bailed out. If I recall correctly your disagreements are more of a philosophical and cultural nature.
And men need space. They feel more manly when they give direction..that is where the famous saying Yes dear comes in.. so he doesn't want to watch Islamic videos..so what.
Many feel that in marriage we have to be glued together. No, we are still individual souls that unite. Men are not as social as women. They can sit with each other and I have timed them and not say a word..and be happy..we would last three seconds..before the Girl..let me tell you something starts.
You are his salvation. Let him digest the vastness of Islam at his own pace. Men are peculiar sister, they have to do it on their own.
You have to stay focused on what makes you happy. Let your husband see the joy you hold. Let you love be so strong that he will melt like butter on a hot summer day.
The choice is your to focus on the negative or the positive. Use this time to grow yourself. Busy yourself in the service to Allah. And make dua sister. Make your husband feel secure in his faith by the way you practice yours.
Noor El-Huda
Junior Member
Sister your words make a lot of sense, but the obsticle is if I know that he has taken Islam as the true religion, then everything else would be a matter of time. But the problem I am facing is, there are a lot of actions that make me feel he is comfortable with a muslim woman but not comfortable with Islam.I have spent 2.5 yrs seeing this pattern. For instance, I get asked, "would you leave me if I have a drink of alcohol once?" and I feel that if this is how he feels, then he should read about it to increase his deen to prevent him from doing it, not see how well that goes with me or not. But not interested to do that.
He takes his children from ex-wife to eat in the pub. that tells you if someone believes within himself that is wrong, then they woud stay away from it and deffinatley keep their children away. These thngs I get to know about, the rest i have to ignore and hope for the best. Messing up and not caring. I am left feeling...Where do I start ?!
Actions speak louder than words. The actions say this person is not doing things because of BELIEF rather because the situation requires of him so.
I think the best thing at such circumstances is to leave someone decide for themselves what path they want to take. Following islam means learning about it. I don't see a point of anyone changing their religion if they want to learn nothing about the new religion. It defies the point. It's like applying for an accountancy job, and not only you don't like it, you don't want to learn it. Who'd keep anyone like that? I have not yet met a revert who says they have changed their religion but doesn't want to learn the new religion. This was my motive for going on this forum, to know whether there are people like that.
I can understand if a woman done that, because a muslim man can marry people of the book, but it just is too spooky if a man done that. learn nothing means mucking up religiously and not feeling guilt about the things that you do.
Is this a situation to sustain a muslim household. It all starts from within.
I will have to wait and see Allah's guidance. Maybe I will have to see actions not words. Thats going to come with time and space,so he makes his own mind what he wants to do. Thre is no compulsion in Islam. It's painful for both, but deen comes first sister. It's not my choice. Its Allah's choice.
Sorry I am pouring out my heart to you. What I ask for is dua. Jazaki Allah kheir.
He takes his children from ex-wife to eat in the pub. that tells you if someone believes within himself that is wrong, then they woud stay away from it and deffinatley keep their children away. These thngs I get to know about, the rest i have to ignore and hope for the best. Messing up and not caring. I am left feeling...Where do I start ?!
Actions speak louder than words. The actions say this person is not doing things because of BELIEF rather because the situation requires of him so.
I think the best thing at such circumstances is to leave someone decide for themselves what path they want to take. Following islam means learning about it. I don't see a point of anyone changing their religion if they want to learn nothing about the new religion. It defies the point. It's like applying for an accountancy job, and not only you don't like it, you don't want to learn it. Who'd keep anyone like that? I have not yet met a revert who says they have changed their religion but doesn't want to learn the new religion. This was my motive for going on this forum, to know whether there are people like that.
I can understand if a woman done that, because a muslim man can marry people of the book, but it just is too spooky if a man done that. learn nothing means mucking up religiously and not feeling guilt about the things that you do.
Is this a situation to sustain a muslim household. It all starts from within.
I will have to wait and see Allah's guidance. Maybe I will have to see actions not words. Thats going to come with time and space,so he makes his own mind what he wants to do. Thre is no compulsion in Islam. It's painful for both, but deen comes first sister. It's not my choice. Its Allah's choice.
Sorry I am pouring out my heart to you. What I ask for is dua. Jazaki Allah kheir.
Assalaam walaikum,
Do not be sorry. InshaAllah we will make dua.
This is going to sound strange but hear me out..when he is with his children I assume that they are not Muslim. He takes them to a place that is more comfortable in that environment.
Why don't you come up with a new place for them to eat..I don't know if they things like Chuckie Cheese..overpriced place to play video games and arcade games and eat horrible pizza. Open up his horizons..besides it would be more kiddie centered. Explain to him that pubs are boring for children. They are dark and gloomy places.
Is he teasing you about drinking. He has not had a drink yet.
Where did the fun go in the marriage. I understand the slack you must get from the Muslim crowd. It takes a brave girl to endure what you are doing. But, you do not have to please the Muslim crowd and be super Muslim..piety is personal..no-one knows the contents of the heart like Allah.
Step one is to relax for a minute. Do the things you like and have a little fun.
I will keep you close to my heart, sweet sister.
Do not be sorry. InshaAllah we will make dua.
This is going to sound strange but hear me out..when he is with his children I assume that they are not Muslim. He takes them to a place that is more comfortable in that environment.
Why don't you come up with a new place for them to eat..I don't know if they things like Chuckie Cheese..overpriced place to play video games and arcade games and eat horrible pizza. Open up his horizons..besides it would be more kiddie centered. Explain to him that pubs are boring for children. They are dark and gloomy places.
Is he teasing you about drinking. He has not had a drink yet.
Where did the fun go in the marriage. I understand the slack you must get from the Muslim crowd. It takes a brave girl to endure what you are doing. But, you do not have to please the Muslim crowd and be super Muslim..piety is personal..no-one knows the contents of the heart like Allah.
Step one is to relax for a minute. Do the things you like and have a little fun.
I will keep you close to my heart, sweet sister.