Hello, I grew up in a dysfunctional family and you can literally say that Im the black sheep. I always tell the truth and the rest of the family gives me stress and in addition to this I stress myself all the time. It goes so far that I live with anxiety and depression and confusion and constant worry. Currently Im studying but I dont really know if in the future I can be that independent person that one must be in that profession. Whatever, for my family Im never enough and that pattern has been absorbed by me internally. It has gone so far that they provoked me and my father and I beat each other and i called the police...my sister and my brother can do anything..travel with friends etc..but I cannot....its not even the question of being religious..my elder sister can but in my case its always as if the whole family doesnt want me to grow up and be independent, they always want me to be dependent on them and dumb and always say yes and be nice even if my heart hurts...I called the police and they told them that I was depressed and the police told us that it was a family matter. We kinda resolved that issue but nowI have this utter disgust for myself. As if I have done something bad..my name is listed in the police list and all my life I have been perfect..really perfect...now my clothes are kinda dirty and I hate myself for being so emotional and easy to provoke but I cannot change the past and it still kills me. I got a proposal and I said no because I was so ashamed of myself and my whole situation...what if the next day my future husband will beat me or call me bad..I have no one who would stand by me as my own family makes me always feels the guilty one. Now I have found a guy who is into medicine and all that( i have this contact from an online site) and this feeling again appears..omg..hes a doctor and Im on the polices list..someday if he finds out or i have to tell him about my real self...because Im honest..he would look down on me....Im scared to death...I cant shake this feeling of failure away...my sister has a clean sheet and Im the failure..I dont know what to do...Im shaking right now.....thinking that I dont deserve anyone on earth..Im so ashamed of myself...depressed since it happened...and also: I isolated myself over all these years and I really have no self worth left..who wants to be with someone like me who cant really interact with the world?