When Family Life Is Endangered:
As for those women from whom you have reason to fear rebellion, admonish them [first]; then leave them alone in bed; then beat them. Then, if they pay you heed, do not seek any pretext to harm them. God is indeed Most High, Great. (Verse 34)
Before we consider these measures and how they progress from one stage to another, we need to remember what we have already said about the honour God gives to both men and women, giving women their rights for which they are qualified by being human. We should also remember that a Muslim woman retains her independent civil status. The fact that the man is placed in charge of the family does not deprive the woman of her right to choose her partner and to administer her personal and financial affairs. This, as also the great importance Islam attaches to the family, helps us to understand clearly why these disciplinary measures have been allowed and the nature of their application.
They are indeed pre-emptive measures aimed at achieving an early reconciliation when rebellion is feared. There is no question of trying to aggravate the situation or increase hatred. There is no battle between the man and the woman. These measures are not aimed at knocking the woman on the head when she begins to rebel and confining her again to her prison cell. No such thoughts are ever condoned by Islam.
They might have crept into the traditions of certain societies at certain stages. Such measures, however, are an indication that mankind, not merely one sex, have sunk to a very low depth. In Islam the situation is widely different in form, substance and aim.
“As for those women from whom you have reason to fear rebellion, admonish them (first).” (Verse 34)
Admonition, then, is the first stage. It is a responsibility of the one who is in charge of the family to admonish against untoward tendencies. Such admonition is required in a variety of situations: “Believers, ward off from yourselves and your families that fire [of the hereafter] whose fuel is human beings and stones.” (66: 6) In this particular instance, admonition has a definite aim, which is to treat the symptoms of rebellion before it develops and takes root.
In some cases, admonition may not bring about the desired results. This is possibly because of strongly held views, uncontrolled reactions, too much consciousness of one’s beauty, wealth, family position or the like. Any of these reasons may make a wife forget that she is a partner in an institution, not an adversary in a contest. At this stage the second measure is employed, which is in effect a gesture of dignity, stressing that everything in which a certain woman takes pride, such as beauty or wealth, to stress her superiority does not count for much with him:
“ Then leave them alone in bed.” (Verse 34)
It is in bed that a woman’s temptation is most effective. A rebellious, self-conscious woman exercises her true power. When a man is able to overcome this temptation, he deprives the woman of her most effective weapon. In the majority of cases, a woman becomes more ready to give way when the man demonstrates a good measure of will-power in the most difficult of situations. There are, however, certain rules that apply as to how this measure is taken. It is confined to the room where the couple is alone. It should not be taken in front of the children, this so that they are not adversely affected by it. Nor can it be exercised in front of strangers, because it becomes very humiliating for the woman who may, consequently, be hardened in her rebellion. This is a measure which aims at dealing with rebellion, and does not aim to humiliate the wife or to bring about a bad influence on the children.
Nevertheless, this measure may not be effective in certain cases. Are we, then, to leave the family institution to collapse? There is another measure, admittedly more severe, but it may protect the family:
“Then beat them.” (Verse 34)
When we remember the aim behind all these measures, we realise that this beating is not a form of torture motivated by seeking revenge or humiliating an opponent. Nor is it aimed at forcing the wife to accept life under all unsatisfactory conditions. It is rather a disciplinary measure akin to the punishment a father or a teacher may impose on wayward children. Needless to say, there is no question of any of these measures being resorted to in the case of a healthy relationship between a man and his wife. They are preventive measures taken in an unhealthy situation in order to protect the family against collapse.
When neither admonition nor banishment from one’s bed is effective, the situation may need a different type of remedy. Practical and psychological indications suggest that in certain situations this measure may be the appropriate one to remedy a certain perversion and to bring about satisfaction. Even when such a pathological perversion exists, a woman may not sufficiently feel the man’s strength for her to accept his authority within the family, at least not unless he overcomes her physically. This is by no means applicable to all women. What we are saying is that such women do exist and that Islam considers this measure a last resort used necessarily to safeguard the family. We have to remember here that these measures are stipulated by the Creator, who knows His creation. No counter argument is valid against what the One who knows all and is aware of all things says. Indeed to stand against what God legislates may lead to a rejection of the faith altogether. What we have to understand is that God has laid down these measures within a context that describes, in absolute clarity, their nature and aim and the intention behind them.
Hence, mistaken concepts developing in periods of ignorance cannot be ascribed to Islam. In such periods, a man may become a jailer and a woman a slave under the pretext of following religious teachings. It may also happen that the man and the woman may exchange roles or that both of them are transformed into a third sex which is midway between man and woman claiming that this is the result of a new understanding of religious teachings. All such situations are not difficult to distinguish from the true sense and proper guidance of Islam.
These disciplinary measures have been approved of in order to deal with early signs of rebellion and before attitudes are hardened. At the same time, they are accompanied by stern warnings against misuse.
The practical example given by the Prophet in his treatment of his own family and his verbal teachings and directives serve as a restraint against going to excess ineither direction.
The Prophet answers Mu`āwiyah ibn Ĥaydah, who asked him what rights a wife may claim against her husband, by saying:
“To provide her with food when you eat, and with clothes when you dress. You are not allowed to slap her on her face, insult her or banish her from your bed anywhere except at home.” (Relatedby al-Tirmidhī, Abū Dāwūd, al-Nasā’ī and Ibn Mājah.)
The Prophet is reported to have given this general directive: “ Do not beat up the women servants of God.” `Umar later went to the Prophet and said that many women had become rebellious. The Prophet then allowed that they be beaten. Many women then came to the Prophet with complaints against their husbands. The Prophet addressed his Companions saying: “Many women have called at Muĥammad’s home complaining against their husbands. Certainly these men are not the best among you.” (Related by Abū Dāwūd, al- Nasā’ī and Ibn Mājah.)
The Prophet portrays this horrid picture of a man who beats up his wife: “Do not beat your wife like you beat your camel, for you will he flogging her early in the day and taking her to bed at night.” He also says:
“The best among you are those who are best to their family, and I am the best of you to my family.” (Related by al-Tirmidhīand al- Ţabarānī.)
Taken in their proper context, these reports and directives give us a good idea of the conflict that existed in the early days of Islam between old habits inherited from the days of ignorance and Islamic directives. The same sort of conflict also took place in all other spheres before the new Islamic order managed finally to impress its values on human conscience.
God has, however, defined a limit when such measures must stop. Once the objective is reached with any one of these measures, then recourse to them is over: “Then, if they pay you heed, do not seek any pretext to harm them. God is indeed Most High, Great.” (Verse 34)
The aim is, thus, stated clearly: it is obedience based on positive response, not forced obedience. This latter type of obedience is not suited to the establishment of a healthy family. Moreover, the Qur’ānic verse states clearly that to continue to resort to any of these measures after the goal of obedience is achieved takes the husband beyond his allowed limits: “Do not seek any pretext to harm them.” (Verse 34) This prohibition is followed by a reminder of the greatness of God so that people submit to His directives and repress any feeling of might or arrogance which they may
entertain. This fits with the Qur’ānic method of combining temptation with warning:
“God is indeed Most High, Great.”
Last Resort to Save Troubled Marriages . All the measures so discussed apply in a situation where rebellion has not yet taken place. These measures are meant to deal with its early signs. When rebellion is brought out into the open, these measures are useless. At that stage there is a war between two hostile parties, each of them going out to smash the other. Similarly, these measures should not be used if it is felt that they will be ineffective or even counterproductive. In all such situations, Islam recommends a different process of saving this great institution, the family, from collapse:
“If you have reason to fear that a breach may occur between a (married) couple, appoint an arbiter from among his people and an arbiter from among her people. If they both want to set things aright, God will bring about their reconciliation. God is indeed All-Knowing, Aware of all things.” (Verse 35)
The Islamic method, then, does not favour an early split when signs of rebellion and hostility begin to appear. Nor does it approve that this institution be left to collapse over the heads of its other members who may be caught in a situation over which they have no control. This institution is very dear to Islam because it supplies the society with its new members whom it needs for its continued development and progress. Islam recommends that this last measure be resorted to when a breach is feared, not after it takes place. An arbiter from each of the two families of the husband and the wife meet in a friendly atmosphere, away from the influences which have caused the relationship between the husband and the wife to be strained and free from all the complications which overshadow the constructive elements in the life of the family. These arbiters must be keen to protect the reputation of both families. They care for the welfare of the children. Neither of them may entertain thoughts of forcing a submission by the other party. They must try to achieve what is best for the husband, the wife and their children.
They must also keep the family secrets because they belong to the two immediately concerned families. Neither of them has an interest in publicising these secrets. Indeed, it is in their interest to keep them secret, unknown to other people.The arbiters meet in order to try to achieve reconciliation. If the man and his wife truly desire such a reconciliation, but are only prevented from doing so by strong feelings of anger, then a serious effort by the arbiters will he successful, with God’s help: “If they both want to set things aright, God will bring about their reconciliation.”
(Verse 35) Their own desire to bring about reconciliation is endorsed by God, who responds favourably to their serious wish. This is the relationship between people’s efforts and God’s will. It is indeed by God’s will that events take place in people’s lives. People, however, are free to try and exert efforts. The end result is decided by
God on the basis of His knowledge of people’s inner secrets and His awareness of what is best for them: “God is indeed All-Knowing, Aware of all things.” (Verse 35)
Having studied this passage, we have now a good idea of the seriousness with which Islam views the relationship between man and woman and the institution of the family and the social ties that are established through the family. We can see how Islam has taken care to organise this highly important aspect of human life in order to elevate mankind to the high standard achievable only by the implementation of Divine guidance. That is indeed the only true and right guidance.
