wa alaykum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Welcome to the site sister, inshaAllah, we can help you and also find for him someone to speak to about Islam. There are some good Dutch speaking brothers here. inshaAllah.
However, there are some things which i would like to discuss and help you with. Purely, from the Qur'aan and the Sunnah, the teachings of our beloved Prophet Muhammad
.
Allaah, the Almighty, and the Majestic said in the qur'aan:
2:221 And do not marry
Al-Mushrikât (idolatresses, etc.) till they believe (worship Allâh Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a (free)
Mushrikah (idolatress, etc.), even though she pleases you. And give not (your daughters) in marriage to
Al-Mushrikûntill they believe (in Allâh Alone) and
verily, a believing slave is better than a (free) Mushrik (idolater, etc.), even though he pleases you. Those (
Al-Mushrikûn) invite you to the Fire, but Allâh invites (you) to Paradise and Forgiveness by His Leave, and makes His
Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) clear to mankind that they may remember.
2:221 En huwt niet met de veelgodenaanbidsters totdat zij gelovigen zijn geworden, en een gelovige slavin is zeker beter dan een veelgodenaanbidster, ook al is zij aantrekkelijk voor jullie. En huwelijkt (de gelovige vrouwen) niet uit aan de veelgodenaanbidders, totdat zij gelovigen zijn geworden. En een gelovige slaaf is zeker beter dan een veelgodenaanbidder, ook al bevalt hij jullie. Zij nodigen uit tot de Hel, terwijl Allah tot het Paradijs en tot de vergeving uitnodigt, met Zijn verlof. Hij maakt Zijn Verzen duidelijk aan de mensen, hopelijk zullen zij (de vermaning) ter harte nemen.
and...
“Verily, the most honourable of you with Allaah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwaa [i.e. he is one of the Muttaqoon (the pious)]” [al-Hujuraat 49:13]
[49:13]..Voorzeker, de godvruchtigste onder u is de eerwaardigste bij Allah. Voorwaar, Allah is Alwetend, Alkennend.
26. Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women). Good statements are for good people (or good women for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men for good women), such (good people) are innocent of (each and every) bad statement which they say, for them is Forgiveness, and
Rizqun Karîm (generous provision i.e.Paradise). [al-Noor 24:26]
24:26 Zondige vrouwen zijn er voor zondige mannen en zondige mannen zijn er voor zondige vrouwen; en goede vrouwen zijn er voor goede mannen en goede mannen zijn er voor goede vrouwen; zij zijn degenen die onschuldig zijn aan wat zij (de lasteraars) zeggen: voor hen is er vergeving en een weldadige voorziening.
Seeking marriage is something
highly recommended in Islaam. Especially for young people, if they can. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, people aught to be careful of not doing haram actions such as meeting up alone, forming boyfriend/girlfriend relationship before marriage etc
Rather, we should get married in Islamic way and to someone who really and truly loves Islam. Someone who loves Allaah and the Prophet Muhammad
and is a committed Muslim.
Marriage shouldnt be done merely due to one's feelings, but from analysis of the persons
Deen and
character.
You should try see their family, their friends, how are they? What do they say about this individual's belief? Is the person really committed to Islam? Is the person really of good character? What does he or she do for Islam? If these questions are not in our minds, then something is wrong. Islam is
the most important thing.
So, people need ask themselves questions, why are you getting married? What sort of future do you want for yourself and your Children? What sort of a man is best suited for raising a good Muslim family? Is it an agnostic, a polytheist, someone who you fear to talk about Islaam to? Someone who might "get into a fight " and argue with you over this.
Surely, a man who fears Allaah, is someone who would be a better match? Love, is something that is from Allaah, and it grows in the hearts of his patient slaves, who truly want best for each other in this dunya and in the akhirah. - There is no guarantee where or what will happen with the person who does not care about Islam.
If he does not love/fear Allaah how will you expect him to love you?
The Prophet
said, "Marriage is half of Deen"
Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet Muhammad
said:
“Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).
This ruling applies for women too. The Most important thing is the Deen. Islaam. If a person chooses that person who loves the Deen, they will be successful. In this life and in the next life.
--Another mistake that Muslims make, is that people think that it is fine for themselves to do all the decision making. Whereas, in Islaam, we must consult with trusted people. Ask family, ask an Imaam, ask religious knowledgeable good Muslim friends!! Get their opinon on what to do.
These decisions will effect the rest of our lives. It is the difference of Heaven and Hell, especially for our children. It is the difference of marrying someone who will sincerely do everything he can for you, who will sit and teach you, or who will sit and listen to you. The important thing is that, the sincere Muslim, will always accept advice and to learn, and be a better person, closer to Allah.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also said:
“If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1084).
This shows importance of waiting until a good, pious Muslim asks for your hand in marriage. Until then, a person should be patient, but when the time comes, and he is undoubtedly sincere and honest Muslim man, one should accept. No matter what, because such a man, he will help the girl through whatever problems she has, in a way that nobody else can. That, is because they will have Allaah, subhana wa ta'ala.
And the Prophet
warned against those who did not accept, saying that there would be tribulation and corruption. If the person does not value a good, honest God-fearing man, then what will their choice be?
Those who are far from the path of Allaah, far from fearing Him.. Our Lord and Creator... Perhaps one day such a man is good and kind, but, he will not fear Allaah, and not know His Duties for his wife. He will not know about Halaal and Haraam, even if he claims to be a Muslim..
There is a lot to consider, and i hope that you consider this just some friendly Islamic advice, inshaAllaah. The istikhara is a dua we say, after making 2 Rakat prayer. It helps us to make the right decision.
Istikhara is important, but, for wrong, or forbidden things there is No istikhara prayer.
This relationship that you are in now, is not Islamically acceptable. So, there is no istikhara to make choice of to marry or not marry this person.
But, for those who are considering marrying a good Muslim man/woman then the following is how to do it properly, some of the misconceptions are also cleared.
How to do Istikhara:
http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/11981
and...
http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/2217
However, to make it one must keep in mind to want what is best for their Deen.
"
The secret is that one’s heart should not be attached to the matter in question, because that will result in a person becoming restless. Being pleased with something means that one’s heart is content with the decree of Allaah."
So, do not think about how you are "in love" with this person, and also do not think about any other outside factors. Rather, simply think about this from ISlamic scientific view... Knowing all the Islamic factors that are there..
And get advice from good trustworthy, mature knowledgeable Muslims, as advice for a matter before doing Istikhara, is Mustahab, highly recommended.
That is because, no matter who we are, we are all human beings and liable to make mistakes or not think about a matter in clear way.
Also, a person does not wait for a Dream or a "feeling", that feeling is actually, having trust and reliance in Allaah for what is best for their Deen.. and to stick to that, and know that whatever happens is for the best.. and a person can make istikhara again and change their mind ..
