Marital Issues before Marriage!

[NissaB]

Assalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuh,

I am a Pakistani woman who is wanting to marry a Bengali man. I have told my parents and they say that the cultural differences are not important, and that the only thing they ask is that he should be able to support me financially. I am in my mid twenties and do not want to wait too long before I am married, but the man I want to marry says he doesnt want to find a better job. He cannot support himself, I dont understand how he will be able to support me. I am very frustrated as when I try and talk to him about this, he gets very defensive. Now he is not talking to me, saying that I am getting on his nerves and he wants to be left alone for a while. One day he says he will fight the world for me, the next he says he doesn't know what to do. I love him very much, and I know he loves me too, I just need him to prove he can provide for me in the future. Is there any dua'a I can do for these problems to go away? Please advise me. And are all men like this?

 

[ahmed_indian]

the first quality a person should look for in their prospective partner is that s/he is Allah-fearing and follow Islamic principles.

try to talk to him gently and politely that couple needs more finance to start their lives and expenses increases when they have children. if u'll force him too much, of course he'll get frustrated. avoid destroying the relationship before its built.

dua: Allahumma la sahla illa ma ja’altahu sahla, wa ‘anta taj-alul hazna iza shi’ta sahla
O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your Will.

also perform salah istikharah for Allah's help regarding this matter.

 

[shichemlydia]

may allah help

salam alikoum sister,
yes i can tell you that most of the men do think like this, a man usually does not want to be let down in front of his wife or in front of his relatives and try his best to let her live in the best condition he can offer her. there is also another type of men, who get in hurry to marry whatever the circumstances are, but believe me sister, shortly after the marriage, they regret because they recognise that they are unable to provide their wives with the basic needs, and this with the witness of some friends....
my advice to you is to be patient with him, and ask allah swt for him in your prayer, so that he may help him to find a better job to support you in the future, and be sure that he wants to mary too, it is not only you.
wa salam alikoum

 

[NissaB]

Jazaa Kalaa Brother,

I have spoken to him politely, done everything, but he seems very confused. I have asked him, if he doesn't want to marry me, then just to say so.

Insha'Allah I will read the dua'a you have given me and pray that our problems go away. I know I might be making a big deal out of it, but sometimes he is very difficult to get through to and doesn't understand the pressure I am under as he himself has not sisters either.

 

[NissaB]

salam alikoum sister,
yes i can tell you that most of the men do think like this, a man usually does not want to be let down in front of his wife or in front of his relatives and try his best to let her live in the best condition he can offer her. there is also another type of men, who get in hurry to marry whatever the circumstances are, but believe me sister, shortly after the marriage, they regret because they recognise that they are unable to provide their wives with the basic needs, and this with the witness of some friends....
my advice to you is to be patient with him, and ask allah swt for him in your prayer, so that he may help him to find a better job to support you in the future, and be sure that he wants to mary too, it is not only you.
wa salam alikoum

WaLaikum Asalaam Sister,

Jazaakala for your post. I am thankful for your insight. I have asked him, he says he does want to marry me but it just seems like he is very lazy and cannot be bothered. Masha'Allah, he has a degree also but does not want to work in that field anymore. I am under a lot of pressure at home also, as I am not exactly 'young' anymore. I am just very stressed. Insha'allah I will make dua'a that everything gets sorted.

 

[ShyHijabi]

Asalaam aleakum,

Sister, first pray istikarah and then also follow your gut. If you sense this guy is lazy and not willing to be a hard worker and a supporter, then drop him. Too many maes of this generation do not want the responsibility of being a husband but want all the priveledges. As a woman you have to be willing to stand up for your rights in Islam and accept no less.

A husband is a protector and a support to his wife, and nothing less will be acceptable. He should be wanting to work hard for what he wants and if he just wants to sit around and not work then he is not worth all this effort.

 

[Abu Hannah]

I fully second the 'praying of Salatul Isthikara advice'. Allah (swt) will guide you towards the right path.

 

[NissaB]

Jazaa'kala to all brothers and sisters for your advice. I am taking it all of it on board.

Thank you again. May Allah (swt) always keep you all happy and healthy Insha'Allah

 

[a_muslimah86]

:salam2:

I will go ahead and *third* the Istikhaara prayer suggestion by sister Shyhijabi (baraka Allaho feeha!) ...and ukhti...you need to set aside emotions just a *tad* and set your *foot down* in a situation like this..marriage is a *lifetime* contract..and you need to *secure* its foundations the very best you can...because you will share your life not just with your husband..but also one day..with your *children*..and your children (even if they're not even *conceived* yet)..*deserve* to have a *secured life!*...so don't hesitate to set your foot down for what is *your right* (without *transgression* of course) whatsoever..

Because when you get married..move in with your husband..and decide to set your foot *then*...you may either get hushed up or disregarded altogether...love won't pay for your rent..clothe you..pay your bills..or buy you groceries...love has its place..and so does *reality*...put the first under *check* and *balance*..and let the latter be *the steering force* for your thoughts and decisions so you won't live the rest of your life in *regret*..the saying goes *when the deed is done..screaming about it will not get it undone!*..so work for things and make decisions regarding them *now!*..when you're still on a *safe shore* and it's not *too late*

P.S. If I was in your place and my "husband-to-be" talks to me in the tone you described..I will make sure that I give him what he wants (i.e. being left alone) not just for *a while* but *forever*..and I will give him that..not because he *asked* for it..but because I know that my respect and my self-worth is above someone's worrisome *indecisiveness* and *inconsistency*..and because if he *dares* to speak to me that way *before* marriage..then Allah Knows..how he will talk to me *after*...

May Allah bless you and guard you..and give you the khair of what you seek..Ameen!

 

[NissaB]

Jazaa'kala "a_muslimah86" i am taking everything on board It is very hard, and i am in a bit of a sticky situation. Insha'Allah i hope this situation is resolved soon.

Thank you all very much

 

[Sheba_770]

Dear sister, words are words ....actions speak louder then words. anyone can create a mountain with words but at the end the wind takes it away.

Sheba

 

[Latifabonu]

Dear sister, words are words ....actions speak louder then words. anyone can create a mountain with words but at the end the wind takes it away.

Sheba

I agree with sister Sheba

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh dear ukhti,

How is everything going? I hope that there is progress or some changes in your situation. If nothing much has change, do keep praying to Allaah that may He gives you the guidance to make the best decision. InshaAllaah.

La haw la wa la quwwata illa billah. There is no strengths except that from Allaah.

Waaalaykummusalam wa rahmatullah.

 

[Latifabonu]

Jazakullahu khayr sister:tti_sister: