Serious marriage problems

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by mikeconley, May 28, 2013.

  1. mikeconley
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    Assalam Alaikum brothers and sisters my name is Mike Conley and I'm a new to Islam. I was born christian and found the word of Allah to be so moving a true to my heart but before i found Allah i was an angry and sinful person, I smoked pot and went to clubs and indulged in the fruits of this earth and in doing so I was very mean and angry towards those that where around me and treated them very badly and my wife especially. In doing so I've drove my wife away from me and feel that i destroyed the love she had for me in the process. I'm asking for guidance from Allah to show me what to do and how to restore the love in her heart that she once had for me. Now i am asking my brothers and sisters of Allah for helpful words that they may have to help me show her that the person i was before Allah is not the person she sees standing before her today. I struggle with this every day and it weighs heavily on my heart to fix things with her and start a new life in the eyes of Allah and hers.We have 3 beautiful children together and have been married for 9 years before we found Islam. I have not converted yet but she did a month or so ago i was harden to the thought of her becoming a Muslim and to me converting until I picked up her Hadith and Sunnah book and started reading it and found my heart becoming over whelmed with curiosity and seeing the truth in his words and they have shown me that there is only on true God and his name is Allah. I am planning on going to my local mosque to turn my self over to Allah and converting to Islam completely I am asking you for words of encouragement and guidance on what i should do do i let her go or do i stand and fight for or marriage.
    • Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah x 1
  2. amyaishazouaoui
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    Assalaamu alaikum,

    As a revert myself who has a husband who is also a revert, i would sit and find a moment to talk with her. Talk to her, tell her how you feel, tell her what you have been reading and how it has affected you. Tell her about your intention to embrace islam and why you want to do so. Treat her kindly, dont shout back, dont argue back, try to be patient..... but most of all talk to Allah, ask him to save your marriage.

    I think the best way to show her you have changed is in your actions.

    Becoming muslim in Fl, is a really tough thing to do, it is not going to be an easy ride, but if you have certainty in your faith, it will not matter what difficulties you face, you will be steadfast and strong.
  3. mikeconley
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    ive done these things and she still dosnt believe me she has moved out and is now living with a fellow student on campus i want her to return home so we can begin a new life together but dont know what to do to show her that she should come home to work on our new marriage in the eyes of Allah.
  4. amyaishazouaoui
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    amyaishazouaoui Junior Member

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    May Allah make it easy for you. Be patient and just. It may take time, it may never happen but the best thing I can tell you is to learn more about islam and improve your relationship with Allah. Allah willing, in time she will see the change in your character.
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  5. Mabsoot
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    Assalamu alaykum, it is really good news that you have found Islam brother Mike.

    I would suggest you give yourself time, and start learning and practising Islam, implementing it in your life. This is the most important thing. Take regular classes at your mosque and in sha Allah make some new friends!

    And as sister amyaishazouaoui said, things will get better once she sees how you are a different person. - But, don't try to go and show her straight away, let it all come naturally. Don't worry, in sha Allah she will be back!
  6. mikeconley
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    yesterday was a really hard day for me im feeling torn between my new faith and is this what im being called to my wife leaving me and for no other reason than because of who i was and im trying really hard to stay strong and it seems that i keep haveing thoughts and feelings of your doing eveything wrong
  7. Layankj
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    Wa Aleikom Assalaam brother,

    Here is a link where Yousuf Estes talks about different forms of trials that he faced after the Shahada..




    Assalaam Aaleikom
  8. Dini Mariska
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    Assalamu alaikum. I feel so sorry for your story, I havent married yet so I havent met any situation like this but whenever I am sad and lonely, I will run to Allah SWT, as He is The Most Listener. So, my brother, get closer to Allah SWT, take Tahajood, and ask for His Guidance and Help, you will get peace inside and find the way for your situation. I pray for you, May Allah SWT makes things easier for you, aameen yaa Rabb. Wassalamu alaikum.
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    I kind of understand what you're going through. I've been Muslim for a little over a year and married for a few months now. It's hard sometimes because my wife doesn't know as much as she wants to [not a revert, but unfortunately one of those children that grew up in the US that didn't really appreciate or study the religion until a few years back] and I'm still learning. She wants someone who can teach her and is strong in the religion. Sometimes we have trouble with this because my strength fluxuates and I'm just not knowledge enough yet. What I believe I need to do, and what I believe you need to do as well, is just work on trying to study and be as good as we can in our religion. Actions speak louder than words. You could tell her a million things but if she never sees any of it, then your words mean nothing.

    I would suggest you fight: fight to keep in communication with her so you can show her you're doing better, but don't fight so hard you drive her away. But if in the end it doesn't work out, just know that everything happens because of Allah's will. If for some reason it doesn't work out, it's because Allah has something better planned for us, we just don't realize it yet.

    I just noticed how old this thread is. I hope Inshallah that everything went well for you. Please let us know how everything went.
  10. SonOfAdam
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    SonOfAdam Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Selam Aleykum Brother Mike,

    Mashallah, what better way to start your relationship fresh over again than both of you becoming new Muslims?! As you know, when you become Muslim all your past sins are forgiven and since you did not have proper guidance from Allah SWT before and did not have the Prophet PBUH as a role model, and all the nice wisdom Islam brings, then you should consider yourself a new person now- like you do. Since you are no longer accountable for those sins since they were forgiven, your wife should not too inshallah. And inshallah your wife will see it like this too (you are a new man and changing/learning about Islam and becoming a better person every day), it is not hard to see things like this, since you are now a Muslim (if not you should make Shahadah right away and your wife will be so happy inshallah). You guys can learn the din(religion) and good manners together inshallah. Of course she knows you better than anyone else and all your past mistakes so you should show to her that you are a good person now with your actions and words. But of course your main intention should be to do everything for the sake of Allah SWT and to gain ajr(reward) and guidance from Him.

    It is not hard to please a woman brother, you know this better than me I am sure. Just say some kind words (you look nice, nice dress, I missed you, etc.), bring her flowers, chocolates, take her out, spend time alone with her (leave the kids at the sitters/parents, etc.), go out to dinner, take her out to a movie. Show her that you love her so much still and that you are sorry for your past mistakes. Saying it is easy but it sounds like your past is so bad that you have to do a bit more. It is not easy to change but it seems like you are a new man akhi, so stay at it and the more you learn about Islam the more you will hate the way you used to be and wish to never return to that life- thus pleasing your wife more and being more the man she wants inshallah. Be patient, put your trust in Allah SWT. Be very thankful to your wife since she helped you see the light and lead you to Islam. You owe her everything. :)

    Take her (with kids or without is fine) on a nice trip out of town inshallah, most women love that sort of thing, they like to travel and get away. Don't be stingy brother too, spend on your family if you have the means- reminding myself of all these things first. We have to make money and spend it too.

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