My Family Expects ‘YES’, I Want to Say ‘NO’

allah is with me

allah is with me

Rabana Wa laqal Hamd
Please can you tell me what should I do in this situation. There's a proposal for me, which is good in every aspect, he's earning good, he's religious too plus all of my family and other people related are agreed upon it too.

I also know what Islam say's in this regard too ...... that for marriage one should see the religion and the character of the person.

But the problem with me is that i just don't know why ...... even after trying very hard I am unable to accept or see him as my husband. My reasons are solely physical. What I mean to say is that when I look at him, he seems to me like a very elderly person whom I may call uncle out of respect.

I am so confused I don't know what to do ......... my family wants an answer from me and they expect a "YES." I can say yes .......... only for them but with my tongue not with my heart. And all the time my heart is in too much pain.if i say the truth he is not religious person but i dont why my parents cant see that in him...he is very polite to my parents but i dont know why i feel that 'I HATE HIM'
 
samiha

samiha

---------
Staff member
:salam2:

Sorry I'm not much good in such questions - but have you tried istikhaarah?

wasalam
 
W

wannabe_muttaqi

A MUSLIM BROTHER
ASAK

ASAK Sis,
here is the link which gives you ample of info abt salatul Isthikhaara. This might help you.

http://makkah.wordpress.com/2006/12/25/before-any-major-decision-pray-salat-ul-istikhara/


The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to teach us the way of doing Istikhara (Istikhara means to ask Allah to guide one to the right sort of action concerning any job or a deed), in all matters as he taught us the Suras of the Quran. He said, “If anyone of you thinks of doing any job he should offer a two Rakat prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after the prayer): ‘Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi’ilmika, Wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, Wa asaluka min fadlika al-’azim Fa-innaka taqdiru Wala aqdiru, Wa ta’lamu Wala a’lamu, Wa anta ‘allamu l-ghuyub. Allahumma, in kunta ta’lam anna hadha-l-amra Khairun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa’aqibati amri (or ‘ajili amri wa’ajilihi) Faqdirhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li Fihi, Wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hadha-lamra shar-run li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa’aqibati amri (or fi’ajili amri wa ajilihi) Fasrifhu anni was-rifni anhu. Waqdir li al-khaira haithu kana Thumma ardini bihi.‘

Istikhara3

(O Allah! I ask guidance from Your knowledge, and Power from Your Might and I ask for Your great blessings. You are capable and I am not. You know and I do not and You know the unseen. O Allah! If You know that this job is good for my religion and my subsistence and in my Hereafter–(or said: If it is better for my present and later needs)–then You ordain it for me and make it easy for me to get, and then bless me in it, and if You know that this job is harmful to me in my religion and subsistence and in the Hereafter–(or said: If it is worse for my present and later needs)–then keep it away from me and let me be away from it. And ordain for me whatever is good for me, and make me satisfied with it).” The Prophet added that then the person should name (mention) his need.

Similar hadiths were reported by Jabir (r) in Sahih Bukhari (volume 8, hadith number 391).

Note from Rafik Beekun: If you have trouble with the arabic version of the dua for Istikhara, here is a dua video where the dua is being recited in arabic. The reciter in the video repeats some of the sentences for emphasis, but you do not have to. Please use it to practice reciting the dua correctly:

To summarize, here is how you pray Salat-ul-Istikhara step-by step:

1. Perform Wudu (the ablution) if you do not have it already.
2. Pray 2 raka’at either with the intention of praying Istikhara separately by itself or jointly with 2 rakat of, for example, tahajjud.
3. Immediately after you have completed the 2 rakats, recite the abovementioned Istikhara Dua.
4. Name the deed you wish Allah to provide you with guidance about.
5. Follow An Nawawi’s advice on how to interpret Allah’s guidance (again see above).
6. There is no limit on the number of times you can pray Salat-ul-Istikhara.



JAK
 
A

Abdul Hasib

Student of Knowledge
Assalamu Alykum Warahmatullahe Wabarakaathuh sister.

It is understandable of why you really don't fee like being with this brother, is it because you feel like he's just too old? And I suppose you're about twenty, right sister? It's understandable because usually you would've thought about marrying a handsome young Muslim brother who's utmost Pious.

BUT sister, you should start thinking to yourself, "What kind of things would I want in a husband?" and "Am I ready to get married?" Because usually sisters don't get married until their 23, and it can be REALLY hard for them too, especially maybe if they haven't seen the man that they are about to get engaged with (LoL I start thinking that it might be the case with my oldest cousin in the UK, LoL, but Mashallah she's happy with my brother in law :), had a baby girl last summer, Alhamdulillah :)).

And as regards to Istikara, sister, stand in Tahajjud (after midnight, and before Fajr is best) and make dua to Allah Ta Alla to give you a great husband, a husband who you would like, a husband who is kind, loving, caring, gentle, forgiving, Pious, and devouted follower of Rasulallah (SAW) and amongst Ahl as Sunnah, and for Allah Ta Alla to let to happen what he feels is best for you, and with that, you won't have to worry sister, because always remember, with Allah Ta Alla by your side, NOTHING can get in your way :wink: Inshallah this will benefit you, may Allah Ta Alla protect you sister, and also please tell us more about him (in EXTREME detail, you know, like how I do it LoL) :)

Assalamu Alykum Warahmatullahe Wabarakaathuh sister. :)
 
Tabassum07

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
Sister, you sound like something I would have said even a few months ago. From experience I can tell you that marriage proposals come and go, sometimes people find the right family and right person the first time, other times, there are a lot of people coming and going before everyone feels this is right. Allah knows what is best, and also everyone must accept that whatever Allah plans for you is the best for you. I'm not married yet myself, but I've had quite a few marriage proposals sent, alhamdulillah, and just the right person hasn't come yet. I've cried and cried sometimes, scared that maybe I would be married off to someone I wouldn't be able to stand, I was also once almost engaged. Everyone thought it was okay, and I just thought I wouldn't have said yes on my own, but only if my family really wanted to. But later during the information-seeking time, something came up which put my whole family off. Everything happens for the best.

Be patient. Do Istakhara. If this person is not meant for you, then something will come up and it won't take place. If this is the right person, the looks may not be what you want, but everything else: the family, the life you will have in future, everything may be what you want. Don't go on looks. I've learned this the hard way! I know we're all expecting some romantic prince charming to popup, but trust me, its not going to happen, plus the romantic prince charmings will all be too shallow. Slowly, I've come to the conclusion that whoever Allah has chosen for me, will be an exact match for me. He will be the best person out of everyone in the world who will match me, and anyone else would not have suited my personality because every person is so complex that the best match can only be sent by Allah. "One of his signs is that he has created you in pairs, from a single soul, and has put love and compassion between their hearts" or something similar, as the Quran says. So just be patient, and let everything run its course. Do istakhara, have your family members also do istakhara, Allah will set your heart to what is right for you.

I don't know if I've been able to help.
 
allah is with me

allah is with me

Rabana Wa laqal Hamd
Abdul Hasib said:
Assalamu Alykum Warahmatullahe Wabarakaathuh sister.

It is understandable of why you really don't fee like being with this brother, is it because you feel like he's just too old? And I suppose you're about twenty, right sister? It's understandable because usually you would've thought about marrying a handsome young Muslim brother who's utmost Pious.

BUT sister, you should start thinking to yourself, "What kind of things would I want in a husband?" and "Am I ready to get married?" Because usually sisters don't get married until their 23, and it can be REALLY hard for them too, especially maybe if they haven't seen the man that they are about to get engaged with (LoL I start thinking that it might be the case with my oldest cousin in the UK, LoL, but Mashallah she's happy with my brother in law :), had a baby girl last summer, Alhamdulillah :)).

And as regards to Istikara, sister, stand in Tahajjud (after midnight, and before Fajr is best) and make dua to Allah Ta Alla to give you a great husband, a husband who you would like, a husband who is kind, loving, caring, gentle, forgiving, Pious, and devouted follower of Rasulallah (SAW) and amongst Ahl as Sunnah, and for Allah Ta Alla to let to happen what he feels is best for you, and with that, you won't have to worry sister, because always remember, with Allah Ta Alla by your side, NOTHING can get in your way :wink: Inshallah this will benefit you, may Allah Ta Alla protect you sister, and also please tell us more about him (in EXTREME detail, you know, like how I do it LoL) :)

Assalamu Alykum Warahmatullahe Wabarakaathuh sister. :)
Click to expand...

thanks brother thanks for your words and since your cousin has a baby girl (alhamdulillah) tell her salam from my side and salam to your whole family ...and regarding isthakhatra ..broher well i dont have to lye so, i would like to say you that i feel so lazy to get up in the middle of the night ....but if its regarding about my problems then i gota read isthakhara...i know its shameful to say you that i feel so lazy to get up but i have to get up to be closest to my lord allah (inshallah)..and thanks once more brother for telling me about this problem
:wasalam: :blackhijab:
 
A

Abd-Allah

New Member
Salam Sister,

i suggest you explain these feelings to your family pronto, before you dig a bigger hole in the ground and get to the stage were you can not say no to the marrige; and then pray isthikhara. If you find it difficult to talk to your parents, maybe your sister/brother or any other relative you feel comfartable with.

wasalam

ps- mashaAllah i like the fact you referred to the character, very important! you may pray, fast and give charity but its adab that sets you apart from rest bidhnillah.
 
I

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
"I can say yes .......... only for them but with my tongue not with my heart." sis I just want to tell you that it's the heart that counts. Tell your parents the truth & hopefully they will understand. May Allah be with you always. Salams
 
A

Abdul Hasib

Student of Knowledge
allah is with me said:
thanks brother thanks for your words and since your cousin has a baby girl (alhamdulillah) tell her salam from my side and salam to your whole family ...and regarding isthakhatra ..broher well i dont have to lye so, i would like to say you that i feel so lazy to get up in the middle of the night ....but if its regarding about my problems then i gota read isthakhara...i know its shameful to say you that i feel so lazy to get up but i have to get up to be closest to my lord allah (inshallah)..and thanks once more brother for telling me about this problem
:wasalam: :blackhijab:
Click to expand...
Assalamu Alykum sister :)

LoL you understand though that I didn't neccessarily mean it HAS to be like an hour or so after midnight? It just should be two Rakah and some dua a FEW MINUTES before Fajr; but if you couldn't do that, then there's nothing wrong in making dua before or after Fajr, it just has to be before sunrise; but I also wanted to say here sister: that even though it isn't a WAJIB to do Tahajudd when making a dua (after one third of the night remains till the night ends), it's the Sunnah way of Rasulallah (SAW) and of his companions that whenever they needed something, they would make two Rakah Nafl (but in some cases like travelling, you can't really do that, so that's why it's alright to make dua without doing two Rakah Nafl in THOSE cases), but I (and Allah Ta Alla!) would prefer that you follow the Sunnah of Rasulallah (SAW), because Wallahi, if you have the Eman in your heart and the feeling of Love for Rasulallah (SAW), then NO MATTER WHAT, you would follow his Sunnah. :)
 
A

Abdul Hasib

Student of Knowledge
Abdul Hasib said:
Assalamu Alykum sister :)

LoL you understand though that I didn't neccessarily mean it HAS to be like an hour or so after midnight? It just should be two Rakah and some dua a FEW MINUTES before Fajr; but if you couldn't do that, then there's nothing wrong in making dua before or after Fajr, it just has to be before sunrise; but I also wanted to say here sister: that even though it isn't a WAJIB to do Tahajudd when making a dua (after one third of the night remains till the night ends), it's the Sunnah way of Rasulallah (SAW) and of his companions that whenever they needed something, they would make two Rakah Nafl (but in some cases like travelling, you can't really do that, so that's why it's alright to make dua without doing two Rakah Nafl in THOSE cases), but I (and Allah Ta Alla!) would prefer that you follow the Sunnah of Rasulallah (SAW), because Wallahi, if you have the Eman in your heart and the feeling of Love for Rasulallah (SAW), then NO MATTER WHAT, you would follow his Sunnah. :)
Click to expand...
And actually yeah, this is another reason why Muslim sisters (like YOU) should wear a Niqaab at your specific age, when your at the rose of your youth, when Allah Ta Alla starts to put a beauty in your apperance (this happens to brothers too, and if Allah Ta Alla wills, I'll get alot of this in myself!), because you don't want to attract *cough* *cough* the "wrong crowd" (You get me?:wink: )
 
A

Aapa

Mirajmom
Salaam,


Sister...please perform the prayer. Open your heart. You seem to be stuck on the physical attraction. Will the next one be too poor? Or will the next proposal will he be too rich? Do you want a husband to be tall?...

You are being honest with us. But marriage is not physical. Please take care of yourself and let us know your decision.
 
Muslimah16

Muslimah16

ServantOfAllah*
:salam2:

Sister, you are SO young! :O

You're what..? 14?

Anyway, Your parents and relatives can "expect" whatever they want to.. but dont do it for them. It's your life .. you'll be spending the rest of your life with him not them.

Wassalam
 
allah is with me

allah is with me

Rabana Wa laqal Hamd
Muslimah16 said:
:salam2:

Sister, you are SO young! :O

You're what..? 14?

Anyway, Your parents and relatives can "expect" whatever they want to.. but dont do it for them. It's your life .. you'll be spending the rest of your life with him not them.

Wassalam
Click to expand...

no, sis .

my parents are not like this..
but the thing is ' after i came to india, many of these relatives are forcing me, and they'r telling me that ' you accept his proposol, then in the future that some what around 23 or 24 you will get married to him....
but i dont wanna...
i am not gone think all those stupid things right now, just concentrate on my imaan...
but, its better we go back to saudia as fast as possible....
this india isn't suiting me......
 
M

Mrmuslim

Smile you are @ TTI
Staff member
salam aleikum
Sister you should do istikhara .Pray two Rakah at any time of the day ,and then make the dua and ask Allah to help you ..
There is link someone posted earlier how to make istikhara...

waaleikum salam
 
A

Abdul Hasib

Student of Knowledge
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