My husband does not come near me

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by qassal, May 13, 2015.

  1. Rashiqa
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    Sister, I am wondering if your lack of desire to make an effort with your appearance is due to self esteem issues? Obviously, your husband being unwilling to be romantic with you is definitely going to knock your confidence, and so you don't feel like you want to dress yourself up nicely, and so your husband further loses interest, it s a vicious circle.

    I know the title of this thread is 'My husband does not come near me', but let's forget about your husband for a moment. Do you get time to yourself in the house when you know your husband won't be home and won't disturb you? If so, why not try dressing up at home, purely for yourself, just to feel nice. Try to rebuild your confidence. Why not get dressed up before standing before Allah to pray, making the intention that your efforts are for Him. The Prophet s.a.w. advised us to take care of ourselves and our appearance, and there are hadith which describe him reprimanding muslims if he saw them to be dressed shabbily. Obviously as women we are not to display our beauty willy-nilly, exposing ourselves and what not, but there is no harm in wanting to present ourselves nicely.

    I can semi-relate to you where you say you have no desire to buy new clothes. I hate clothes shopping because I feel the pressure of trying to find what my husband will like, and it makes me feel like not bothering because I am scared of making an effort and then causing myself further pain and disappointment if he still doesn't approve. Do you think your situation might be similar?

    If so, build yourself step by step. Maybe you have some friends you meet for lunch? Dress up nicely to meet up with them. Although you should be wanting to please your husband, take that pressure away from yourself for now. Make du'a that Allah strengthens the bond between you both, and inshaAllah over time, if your self confidence increases it make become natural for you to want to look nice for your husband. But until then, I think you need to focus on doing this for yourself and for your own happiness.

    May Allah make it easy for you.
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  2. thevoice
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    It's a scientific facts that men are attracted to looks, unlike women who value personality more. You should ask a doctor to recommend the most appropriate weight-loss system for your body, however if you can't lose the weight even though you are trying hard to do so, then you may have type II diabetes which makes it hard to lose weight. Certain diabetes medicines helps you lose weight more easily.

    Also, change things up. Men like surprises, especially if he notices that you spent time to make yourself beautiful just for him.
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  3. Cariad
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    Cariad Junior Member

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    I read this thread and am pleased I am not a muslim wife. :( that always the wife is to dance to husband tune? Dress to please, do hair to please.. Everything to please. Then her own person is subdued that in time she no longer knows her own value but can only exist in the way she is pleasing to her husband.

    I'm sorry, first, the wife is a person in her own right. The wife must love and value herself because if she cannot love herself for the person she is how can she be loved in same way? The wife should ask what makes her happy inside, how can she be best person for herself and for God. If the wife is confident in her inner beauty... (It matters not at all to God the shape we are fat or thin we all the same) what matters is the heart, if the heart is full of love and personal contentment then that is most pleasing to a husband, if not the husband then it is so to God.
    If you are best person you can be and are happy in yourself and still your husband does not show you love you deserve... Then he is not worthy to be husband to you. Marriage is partnership to people joined in love to glory God, it takes effort on BOTH sides to be success.
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  4. Abu Juwairiya
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    I am sorry Sister Cariad, but this issue has nothing to do with Islam. The people concerned just happen to be Muslim. The sister in question did not say that the husband is exercising oppressive rights he is entitled to within Islam, he is exercising his rights as a human being. The sister in question has spoken of personal issues between her and her husband, nowhere in her posts has she even hinted that Islam is where the root of the problem is nor has she accused Islam as being even part of the problem either.

    In all her posts she has spoken only well of Islam and I suspect would be horrified that you are using her to attack her religion. I am sorry but that is what we would infer from your post even if you do not mean it or intended it for it come across thos way.
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  5. Cariad
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    I'm sorry I certainly did not intend it to be that way. I put 2+2 and maybe got 5 instead of 4. It just seemed that all advice was that she should change herself to please her husband nothing for the husband maybe also need to make changes to himself. I just feel we should be equals in marriage, to please EACH other, not all effort for one to make for the pleasure of the other. I accept this maybe not the same for all. Accept my apology for any offence, maybe I can remove the post or the mod to remove it.
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  6. Cariad
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    Cariad Junior Member

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    I don't think I can remove it. I ask the mod can do so if it is deemed to cause offence to anyone. :(
  7. Abu Juwairiya
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    When I saw the post was from yourself, I accepted the likelihood you had meant something else, but I replied the way I did because it was still worded in such a way that you should be aware of how it can come across to Muslims. No offence taken and no offence intended from my side either. Thank you for your apology and clarification.

    Ideally, marriage is a union of equality and I suspect all religions teach this, it may not always turn out this way everywhere and with everyone, but unlike secularism it is a divine partnership nad based on religious guidelines with a moral framework, rather than one built on legislation and civil and constitutional rights alone.

    I agree the wife should be able to be her own person, respect herself, not be forced to look at pleasing others or worry over the concerns and watching eyes of others especially in laws or even the husband where it can be infringing on her rights as a good wife. Islam does not teach this either. However, where something is personal and between spouses each person should approach the situation as you said as equals within the marriage and neither as the servant of the other, especially the wife.
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  8. Abu Juwairiya
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    Sister Cariad, I don't think it is an issue anymore. You have explained yourself and anyone reading this thread in future can and should scroll down to see how everything has been resolved to satisfaction. Once again, thank you for your reply and your swift response. May Allah reward you and guide both me and you to greater good in this life and the next. Amen.
  9. amenajade0406
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    Asalaam alaikum ya sister Qassal:

    I don't think I could add anything better than brother Abou Juawairiya.

    However, reading through the lines, in my assumption, it appears that you are severely depressed. Depression can be the ugliest of "friends". With you everyday, making you do everything to serve it, causing sadness, pain, and other horrible side effects such as weight gain, lack of desire, and worst of all it allows you stop yourself from doing all the things that are in your control to do for yourself and other you LOVE! It does it by making you think you can't or that nothing you do is good enough. It is a LIE dear sister.

    Some things in this life are just trials that Allah ta'ala in all His wisdom and love puts before us to see what truly would make Him happy. You are stronger than you could ever possibly imagine dear sister. You have endured this trial for 10 years. If your husband is supportive then may Allah soften his heart so that he may see your suffering. I hope and pray that you ask him to do things that are enjoyable for both of you and that you both find that you wish to love each other for the sake of Allah. And for the sake of your child.

    Please feel free to PM me dear sister if you need any help. You are now tasked with the difficult but do able journey of rebuilding yourself as the strong, more pious, resilient woman that you are, Alhamdulilah. You are worthy of this journey, worthy of this love, and if your husband is this incredible man you say he is, Alhamdulilah, you will not wish to see your marriage broken because it is for Allah. I will be making dua for you and Am happy to give words of encouragement to you if you wish, Insha'allah!

    Amena
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  10. bestfriend
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    focus
    Bismillah, Salam
    Dear sister such subject should be addressed privately not openly as such so I will assume it is a fiction and that you maybe have 3 girls and live in India etc

    1. the first thing you do - forget about your self - focus on the child and up-keeping of the house
    2. do not judge your husband that he does not like to look at you ... I think is beyond looking ... is maybe he is burn out due to bad news everywhere etc
    3. I marred 33 years so I know what can be for example poor communication
    4. social media and hours on it kills most of other relations
    5. stay to basic
    5.1 family walk share something "he likes now"
    5.2 play and start being his new girl friend ... ask him to teach you someting
    5.3 as for body language try this: http://www.muhammad.com/media/en2/E...andbook of Islamic Joy Sex thru Marriage.docx
    5.4 if you can contact me or my wife privately and be specific we can offer you great step by step
    my dua and salam
  11. bestfriend
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    Loosing some weigh is easy as such:
    1. stat away from carb and white sugar replace with honey and fruit and vegetables
    zero whitebread zero macaroni and zero pizza etc
    2. use scale daily loosing few 100s grams per day
    3. lots of water (water not juice)
    4. exercise at home with 5 kilos and rope jumping
    5. drop heavy meals, start with salads without heavy dressing
    6. eat one kind of food at time
    7. avoid processed food and salt
    8. take daily 3 tablets 1 before every meal (200mg Trimebutine maleate) this is not medical advice.
    9. make zikr in 1000s see extreme spirituality in www.Muhammad.com
  12. thevoice
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    I don't think you should remove your post. It still contributes and adds value to the discussion especially from a different perspective.
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  13. Safiyah_
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    dear sister any woman deserves love and affection. Try to make some time for a home-spa :) take a long shower, take care of your body ( get rid of hair in places they don't belong, put on body milk, scrub your face..), do your hair, put on some nice make-up and e beautiful dress and then a nice parfum. When your husband comes home he will be stunned. It takes a lot of work but it'll be worth it really. I somethimes spend 3 hours on this BUT your husband puts all his interest in you instead of the women on tv or outside.

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