:'( Need desperate advice on getting back with ex-husband!! please help!!

[muharram23]

:salam2:

:salam2:

My name is Hina and I am 20 years old, a divorcee from London. I got married at the age of 18 and everything was fine!! My hubby was the best person ever!! I didnt even have to say anything to him and he would know what I would be thinking!! The few months I spent with him were the best ever, but then he listened to his mum and gave me divorce!! The reason was because I was diagnosed with diabetes and his mum thought i couldnt have kids!! Even though that was not true, but she made my life hell. Then she started to say that I cannot have kids, I am this and that. I was beaten by my father-in-law to a point where I had to be hospitalised for 2 weeks. My hubby couldn't even say anything. I didnt expect him to because I knew how much he loved his parents. I had to take it.

But then, it got to a point where my busband was fed up of me complaining, and decided to give me divorce because I was a DIABETIC??!! I still don't believe that but that is what he said to everyone!! Even after that, my parents wanted me to get married to one of my cousin, but that proposal didn't seem promising either. So, my parents are thinking all sorts of things that maybe no one would accept me, plus, recently I have started to wear the hijab so its really getting to them and they don't know how to react!! I have tried showing the hadith related to hijab; they didn't expect me to make this transition all of a sudden and specially because I belong to a family where dancing, singing, is normal and unfortunately I was a part of this some time ago. Worse thing is that I am the eldest in my family and no one at all wears a hijab!!

MY PROBLEM ISN’T AS MUCH ABOUT THE HIJAB, BECAUSE I CAN SEE AN IMPROVEMENT IN MY HOUSE, BUT THE PROBLEM NOW IS THAT MY EX-HUSBAND WANTS TO GET BACK TO ME!! HE CALLS ME EVERYDAY AND I HAVE TO KEEP DISCONNECTING THE PHONE BECAUSE I KNOW IT IS HARAM FOR ME TO TALK TO HIM. HE DOESN’T GET THE FACT THAT HE HAS DIVORCED ME AND I CANNOT RE-MARRY HIM UNLESS I MARRY SOMEONE ELSE FIRST AND GET DIVORCE FROM THEM. BUT THIS ISNT RIGHT!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. MY PARENTS ARE STILL IN THE PHASE OF ACCEPTING THAT THEIR DAUGHTER IS A DIVORCEE BECAUSE MY HUBBY WAS INFACT MY COUSIN, SO FOR MY PARENTS TO ACCEPT HIM AGAIN WOULD BE A 50-50 CHANCE.

The question is: IS THIS RIGHT? I DON’T THINK ANY GUY WOULD MARRY ME KNOWING THAT I WOULD WANT A DIVORCE TO GET BACK TO MY EX-HUSBAND. This is wrong, I know that, but what can I do?? I want to get back with him, but not by hurting or misusing someone else!! Even if I was to tell the guy that I am marrying you to get back to my ex, is that not haram because I am marrying him with the wrong intention??

Please someone help me!! I cannot stop crying; I don’t want to hurt anyone and want to do everything properly. He doesn’t quit calling me and I can’t even change my number because he always manages to get hold of it. I cannot even tell my parents, as my father is already a heart patient after this all.

Someone please, please advice me what to do??
Jazak’Allah Khaiyrun

Salamu alaykum

I just can't believe that your father in law beat u up to the extent that u had to be hospitaalized, estagfirullah. I think he needs some serius beating. In islaam, the husband does not have the right to beat his own wife where it would leave bruises, some scholars say that it is as much as taking a misvaq and tapping on her hand, even though that is the last part, then who gave the right for the father in law to do that? I don't even understand how ur husband would allow the father to do that? Just be careful sister if the father in law did that once, he might do it again. Learn karate.

wasalaam

 

[Bawar]

Salamu alaykum

I just can't believe that your father in law beat u up to the extent that u had to be hospitaalized, estagfirullah. I think he needs some serius beating. In islaam, the husband does not have the right to beat his own wife where it would leave bruises, some scholars say that it is as much as taking a misvaq and tapping on her hand, even though that is the last part, then who gave the right for the father in law to do that? I don't even understand how ur husband would allow the father to do that? Just be careful sister if the father in law did that once, he might do it again. Learn karate.

wasalaam

100% agreed.

Your ex doesn't deserve you as you seem to be a wonderful sister. He is lacking something very important.
either he has no brain to use
or has no self confidence to not allow others interfere in his marital life
or is a body without feelings who could not understand or even consider how you would feel
and he was not man enough to protect you from the beatings of his father.

You are young and there is no need to be in a hurry.
Even if you want to get back with him, this time you should have some strict conditions and much stronger and least not go back to the same house where those monsters live.

May Allah ta'ala help you. Ameen

Wassalam

 

[Ibn_Syena]

As Salamu Alekum sister

A sad story, may Allah help you out. I second the openion of asking a local Imam or sheikh about your situation, you know, it's one of these which need a personal 'fatwa', not just a general situation going along with general rule or fatwa. "The fatwa differs according to the state of the asker" you know.
Anyways in case you can't find one, here's a site where you can send your whole story to be answered by some scholar and social counselors. May be you'd like to take a look on it: http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?cid=1119760026811&pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar%2FPage%2FFatwaCounselE. Otherwise, you can try to send your problem to www.islamqa.com itself, or *removed*.

May Allah bestow you strenght and patience, and guide you out of this

Wassalamu Alekum


Muhammad

 

[Ibn_Syena]

As Salamu Alekum dear brothers

It's just a little reminder, as I saw so many comments attacking that husband and saying he is so and so :astag:. First; remember that he's still A MUSLIM BROTHER, even though he did a msitake, a BIG mistake indeed, but this doesn't eventhough give us the right to do that. Next; NEVER give a judgement without listening to the story from BOTH SIDES, we can here listen from our sister, may Allah help her out, but still we didn't know from husband, right? Eminent muslim scholars of all ages when came accros such situations (one sided story) used to start ther answer with "IF IT'S LIKE WHAT YOU'R TELLING, then it's so and so. " Meaning you can never know the complete truth without knowing the whole story. Last; people please please for the sake of Allah, stop judging others; for on their shoes, you just don't know how you'd react, and rather ask Allah for his guidance and light, and make lots of dua'a for them (for others as a general rule, not just our situation here), there was a Hadith or saying concerning this that I can't remember at the moment.

Thank you and I'm really sorry if I offended anybody in anyway. It's unmeant for sure.

Wassalamu Alekum


Muhammad

 

[IslamIsLight]

salam aleikum
I just pray for all my muslim sisters who been abused by so called muslim husbands ,to find strength and with the help of Allah, to leave such men and do not let them to treat u this way...

waaleikum salam

 

[AlwaysStriving]

As'salamualayekum Sister,

In addition to the direct fatwa websites is this one here:

www.amjaonline.com

They're quite prompt too MashaAllah.

I will keep you and all our Muslimah sisters suffering from similar problems in my prayers InshaAllah. It's just so frustrating hearing cases like these =( may Allah guide this ummah! Ameen.

Our prayers are with you, just try not to rush into anything, and whatever Allah does is best for us, always keep that in mind . All the Best to you!

W.salam

 

[xhina87x]

:salam2:

Jazak'Allah Khayrun Brothers and sisters for your replies.

I wanted to specifially point out few things, my ex-hubby was aware of another health issue before we got married and depsite knowing it he still married me. That was that I could not have kids, so Brother Amir_of_spain, he didnt divorce me due to that!! He is a doctor himself so he does know which illness is life threatening and which isnt. His parents had no idea about me not being able to have kids. You can imagine that if they did know, what would have happened!! :'(

I have stood strong those three months I was in that house, not for myself, but for my family's izzat (respect), for his family's izzat, and most importantly because of my hubby. He was never bad to me, never raised his hand on me, never shouted, anything i said he would do. I had never told him not to respect his parents because I am not like that!! Even though we loved each other, I know that for a man his first love is his mother and I cannot take that away from him! I don't blame him for anything. Okay, he should not have just said that in that manner :'( but...I cannot explain!!

If i wanted to, i coould have raised my hand on my father-in-law or mother-in-law and even my sister-in-law who happily stood there watching me get busted!! Brother muharram23 said learn karate? Infact I am a black belt (shotokan), but that doesnt mean I should use my skill to cause them harm and degrade myself in their eyes. I know for a fact (because the way my ex-hubby keeps calling me), they regret. I am sure they know how strong I was to face them. I don't even want to have anything to do with them, but the only person who I care for, still, is my hubby!! He didn't mean bad, he was stuck in the middle of his own family and me.

I know everyone has been saying to me that if that was not considered as a complete divorce, but only one, don't go back to him in that house!! When he calls me the only thing he says is I am sorry, I didn't know what I was doing? I was so angry I hadn't realised what had happened and that if I was to come back to him he would take me away from his family and move out. Deep down, I know when he says something he always does it and I have this feeling that he won't let me stay in that house. I will become insane thinking about this all!! :'(

Anyway, Thankyou brothers and sisters for your views and suggestions, and for those who gave me links. I will be emailing them my situation and maybe visit an imam nest week with my hubby, his parents and mine. as for the istikhara, I have done it 6 times in total ever since he started calling me. twice I didnt manage to see anything. The other four were positive.

Jazak'Allah once again.....Hina

 

[Min-Fadhli-Rabii]

Assalam aleikum sister,
From wot I read from your story, I was suprised '' what the parents has to do with your marriage and also i am suprised that no one this forum point it out this. Once u get married is between u and ur husband. Parents give consent of marriage before marriage. once u get married is between u and ur husband only. I know there is this culture thing that the parents control the affairs of the couples. This is unislamic. Yes the parents should be respected thuswhy islam ask us to ask their consent before marriage. Once is ok for them for the couples to get married then the rest of afairs is between u and ur husband.

Your exhusband seems to be educated person as u said he is a doctor. But he needs to understand/separate the rights of wife and parents. If he goes into culture thing his marriage will never successed. Unfortunately some of our community take woman as a second class citizen.

It seems you are also in love with him. Wot I ''ll advice is, finish ur studies and insh'Allah you ''ll find a man who will respect you. You be decieved by emotions and nice words, think the reality.

 

[al-fajr]

:salam2:

I have stood strong those three months I was in that house, not for myself, but for my family's izzat (respect), for his family's izzat, and most importantly because of my hubby. He was never bad to me, never raised his hand on me, never shouted, anything i said he would do. I had never told him not to respect his parents because I am not like that!! Even though we loved each other, I know that for a man his first love is his mother and I cannot take that away from him! I don't blame him for anything. Okay, he should not have just said that in that manner :'( but...I cannot explain!!

I understand what you're saying, if you had stormed out and made a scene about the situation it would have reflected badly on your family, the people who would suffer the most would be your parents, and nobody would want that.

If i wanted to, i coould have raised my hand on my father-in-law or mother-in-law and even my sister-in-law who happily stood there watching me get busted!! Brother muharram23 said learn karate? Infact I am a black belt (shotokan), but that doesnt mean I should use my skill to cause them harm and degrade myself in their eyes. I know for a fact (because the way my ex-hubby keeps calling me), they regret. I am sure they know how strong I was to face them. I don't even want to have anything to do with them, but the only person who I care for, still, is my hubby!! He didn't mean bad, he was stuck in the middle of his own family and me.

Awesome - black belt, thats so cool ...and you didnt even use it... I have a lot of respect for you sis, if that was me I dont think I would have been able to resist ...one swipe he'd be doooown ...(maybe not)

All I can say is, you deserve better than them, much much better. You're husband should stand for what is right. I think you're precious he doesn't realise what he's lost, ...if he wants you back now its taken him what? 2 years? heck.

Many parents think its safer to marry daughters to someone from within their families, but thats not always the case, like here, youve just been taken advantage of, treated like dirt actually, and maybe they felt they could do what they like because you we'rent exactly a stranger in the first place. :astag: thats sickening.

Anyway, Thankyou brothers and sisters for your views and suggestions, and for those who gave me links. I will be emailing them my situation and maybe visit an imam nest week with my hubby, his parents and mine. as for the istikhara, I have done it 6 times in total ever since he started calling me. twice I didnt manage to see anything. The other four were positive.

All the best sis, like I said, you're special, dont put yourself down and dont allow yourself to suffer more than you already have, you dont deserve to anymore, you're in all our Du'aas

 

[Almeftah]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

"There can be no obedience to the created which involves disobedience to the-Creator." (Saheeh-Haakim & Ahmad)

a husband shouldnt obey his mother on that matter, both marriage and divorce is desided by the husband and wife only..

being diabetic isnt a good reason for divorce.. but you never know, divorce may be for your own good since that man who divorced you is his mothers boy..

{But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth and ye know not. (216)}.(Quran 2:216)

may Allah give you patience and tolerance, and bless you with a better husband.

 

[xhina87x]

:salam2:

Now I have another problem!! :'(

He was calling me but I turned my phone off!! Then he made his friend (girl) call my house and he grabbed the phone to talk to me! He said that he is going to come over to my house and talk everything through!! And that I need to come with him as he is still my hubby??!! :'(

My parents don't even want to see his face anymore, and if this is the case that he is still my hubby then what am I going to do??? What conditions should I put forward?? My parents don't even accept him no more.

Is there any dua I can pray to keep me clam!! I am worrying so much and making myself ill!! At this rate I wont be able to do anything! :'(

 

[Al-Salam]

sister i don't know what to say. how can he be ur hubby/husband when he has divorced u with talak 3 times. don't hide things from ur family, and don't run away from ur family with him. u need to talk with someone about this, and r family have something to say in what ur dicission may be.

salam sis.

 

[xhina87x]

I want to cry!! :'(

Is there anything I can pray???

 

[NicoleMaryam]

Assalamu alaikoum sister,
it sounds like your ex is heavily influenced by his family, no matter what he says, or what you think. He told you once that he would never leave you because of your illness, and then he did, so what makes you trust him that he would protect you again? The only way I would suggest you to get back together with him, is if he sits down with his family, and explains to them the illness, and why it does not prevent you from having children. If he really cared about you, I think he would have done that in the first place, instead of letting the situation get so far out of hand. If you had problems with his family before, don't think that they will just disapear. Also, it would not have been right for them to make him divorce you even if you couldn't have kids, this is not their choice, and if that were really the case, they could have suggested he take a second wife. But as I mentioned, it would not have been that hard for him to sit down with his family, and explain diabetes to them, and how it does not effect you having kids.

I'm sorry to say, sister, but I think you should forget about him, he doesn't seem to want to take the effort to defend you, he should have stood up for you, or else moved out if his parents house, and took you out of this abusive situation. You seem like a very smart girl, and I know that love can be verrrry hard, because our heart does not always tell us the right thing. But believe me, you will get over it in sha'Allah, I mean look, you lived two years without him.

If he has really changed, and is sincere, then maybe you should give him another chance, but don't make it so easy for him, make him work for it, make him prove himself, and again, don't necissarily trust your heart. Don't make excuses for him either, (ex: it's his family, not him...). Make your conditions clear to him, and also make it clear the consequences if he screws up, and don't be too soft on him either, you want to make sure he has really changed, and is not just putting on a show.

Sorry if I am sounding harsh, I know it is hard, but trust me, you will live without him!

May Allah guide you to the right way, and make your decisions easier for you.

Salaam!

Nicole

 

[a_brother]

Asalamo alaikom sister

you don't have to worry/cry... always keep in mind that nothing would happen except what Allah allows it to be... EVERYTHING is in the hand/will of Allah... so don't frustrate yourself... this whole life is BUT a test... as long as you not doing anything haram, then you don't have to worry...

no person is perfect, a husband or a wife...

now... there are two choices... you either end up marring this brother or not...

if you don't marry him, inshaAllah, you'll find some one else who you'll see as suitable for you and of course he would not be perfect... he'll have his down sides just like any other human being...

if you marry this brother (assuming you're allowed to after making your research with scholars)... you know how is it going to be like living with him and make your "preparation" for that....

from what you wrote... you been doing the right thing... respecting family values... your family and his family are important... i think, as he said, to move out and live in a separate house, therefore, you'll have peace with his family...

sit back and think and don't presser yourself, don't rush and take your time.
again... put your trust in Allah and you'll never lose... Salam my dear sister

 

[Rimatisma]

:salam2:

im very sorry to hear all that happened with you

but sister, im telling you this from a sister in islam please accept what im going to comment:

first, ur father in-law has no right to beat you up
im so sad for that

second, you shouldn't be sad anymore, if you want to marry now you should marry someone else and have other life! if Allah want you to marry that guy again you will, but you shouldn't arrange and think how im gonna be back with him! not right sister!

Islam doesnt allow for a muslim who completely divorced his wife to return back unless she got married someone else first " and of course without arranging in the second marriage that want a divorce to marry your EX... to let him know how Value you are in islam, how "like a diamond" you are in islam, how he should be careful when dealing with a gift "you" whom Allah gave him, how he should keep you comfort, and learn from his mistake, sister you are a human, he shouldn't divorce and then say i want you again! this is not a game for God sake!
this is a rule in islam to know how much Allah DO love you sister, how Allah care for you.

let your EX suffer alone, and don't think about it anymore PLEASE try not to sister
and stay away from him insha'Allah..
also you can make istikhara prayer, ask Allah for the best..
but to cry! NO NO NO, million NO! and don't you even think about it

take care
may Allah lead us All to the right, may Allah lead your EX and his family,
May Allah choose you the best

with love,
Sister in Islam

 

[xhina87x]

No sister, I would never hate anyone of my brothers or sisters!!

I know where your coming from, but it is hard for me! Let's see what happens after I meet the imaam on friday Insha'Allah.

I feel like a kid crying out loud infront of all of my brothers and sisters!!

 

[muharram23]

:salam2:

Jazak'Allah Khayrun Brothers and sisters for your replies.

I wanted to specifially point out few things, my ex-hubby was aware of another health issue before we got married and depsite knowing it he still married me. That was that I could not have kids, so Brother Amir_of_spain, he didnt divorce me due to that!! He is a doctor himself so he does know which illness is life threatening and which isnt. His parents had no idea about me not being able to have kids. You can imagine that if they did know, what would have happened!! :'(

I have stood strong those three months I was in that house, not for myself, but for my family's izzat (respect), for his family's izzat, and most importantly because of my hubby. He was never bad to me, never raised his hand on me, never shouted, anything i said he would do. I had never told him not to respect his parents because I am not like that!! Even though we loved each other, I know that for a man his first love is his mother and I cannot take that away from him! I don't blame him for anything. Okay, he should not have just said that in that manner :'( but...I cannot explain!!

If i wanted to, i coould have raised my hand on my father-in-law or mother-in-law and even my sister-in-law who happily stood there watching me get busted!! Brother muharram23 said learn karate? Infact I am a black belt (shotokan), but that doesnt mean I should use my skill to cause them harm and degrade myself in their eyes. I know for a fact (because the way my ex-hubby keeps calling me), they regret. I am sure they know how strong I was to face them. I don't even want to have anything to do with them, but the only person who I care for, still, is my hubby!! He didn't mean bad, he was stuck in the middle of his own family and me.

I know everyone has been saying to me that if that was not considered as a complete divorce, but only one, don't go back to him in that house!! When he calls me the only thing he says is I am sorry, I didn't know what I was doing? I was so angry I hadn't realised what had happened and that if I was to come back to him he would take me away from his family and move out. Deep down, I know when he says something he always does it and I have this feeling that he won't let me stay in that house. I will become insane thinking about this all!! :'(

Anyway, Thankyou brothers and sisters for your views and suggestions, and for those who gave me links. I will be emailing them my situation and maybe visit an imam nest week with my hubby, his parents and mine. as for the istikhara, I have done it 6 times in total ever since he started calling me. twice I didnt manage to see anything. The other four were positive.

Jazak'Allah once again.....Hina

Salamu alaykum

wow, mashAllah black belt. I am surprised he stil raised his hand on you and didnt think it might get broken. Well, i didnt say beat him up. Dont use ur black belt to hit him with. I mean, use karate to defend urself. You know like, if he tries to hit you, you dodge or twist his arm and drop him on the floor and then laugh. Just joking. InshAllah be patient. However, he stil had no right to do that. Even though you have the right to kick him back and return equal amount, just don't throw the shotokan.

wasalam

 

[user expired!]

:salam2:

Sister Friday is a long way away so make as much Du'aa as possible and keep us updated and MAKE sure you see the Imam!

 

[xhina87x]

Salamu alaykum

wow, mashAllah black belt. I am surprised he stil raised his hand on you and didnt think it might get broken. Well, i didnt say beat him up. Dont use ur black belt to hit him with. I mean, use karate to defend urself. You know like, if he tries to hit you, you dodge or twist his arm and drop him on the floor and then laugh. Just joking. InshAllah be patient. However, he stil had no right to do that. Even though you have the right to kick him back and return equal amount, just don't throw the shotokan.

wasalam

lol, brother, you made me smile!!

It wasn't my hubby who hit me, it was my father-in-law!, with a cricket bat!! The only person who tried to do something about it was my brother-in-law but because he is only 19 years old himself, that didn't make any difference. My hubby was at work, so he had no idea what happened until i didnt get to hospital!!

Brother, I remeber when I was learning Shotokan, my tutor used to tell me that this skill is not for beating the crap out of anyone but it teaches you discipline. Ofcourse I tried to run away from my father-in-law when he was hitting me but I never pushed him aside.