Parents: blind devotion?

[Precious Star]

Something I've been wondering about lately:

In Islam our duties to our parents are first and foremost. We cannot speak rudely to them or express impatience. We must speak kind words to them and take care of them.

Now, what if one parent is, to put it simply, unkind? If they are always rude to you, or don't acknowledge your Salaams whenever you come visit... They just turn away. What if you are nice o them and try to be helpful, and stay quiet when they are rude or they ignore your presence?

Or if you call them on the phone, and they answer the phone but don't say anything (for example, tey can see from the phone # who it is, so they know it's me, but won't say a word or may just say "what is it?" or "yes? What do you want?")

Lets say this happens all the time, well into adulthood. At some point, it becomes unhealthy to deal with them - in other words, if you feel always like instead of deling with a parent you are dealing with someone who doesn't like you, can you stay away and not visit them, even if they only live a few minutes away? Or do you have to keep putting up with it even though it is very upsetting, and the parent is so kind and loving to the other adult children? Do you have to keep subjecting yourself to that treatment?

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister, that is such an adult question.

I ponder this all the time. Where is the balance between extending your wings of mercy towards aging parents and your sanity.

How do we go on without adding additional guilty to our systems. And the irony is the siblings who are not the caretakers seem to be the ones the parents want. There are times when the emotional stress can be debilitating.

In the case of aging parents it is often the child who is the caretaker that becomes the brunt of family issues. The child who is absent or not the primary caregiver has it easy. A phone call or a visit and they feel they have done the job...right.

And I would rather have an area filled with screaming tantruming two year olds than have to deal with aged parents issues. They have a life-time of learned behaviors. They can be very stubborn. Left alone they can be dangerous to themselves. It becomes a 24/7 responsibility.

I pray constantly that Allah subhana wa taala fill my heart with love.Please do not stay away. The parents rely on us. We help them to gauge today. We take care of their needs and are the constant companions. You do it to please Allah. It is very difficult at times.

The balance includes taking time out for yourself. The balance includes the understanding that you are the one that they depend on. You are the one that is taken for granted. Ok..once that role is established you are able to give yourself some respite. Emotional respite.

You know the responses. So you look beyond the responses to their emotional well-being. You make sure you keep in contact with the ones that your parents love most. You keep things positive for everyone. You make sure they go for a ride, go to the masjid, keep in touch with family members.

Remember, even relatives stop coming around to see old folks..so you have to do it all.

You do it out of the love and fear of Allah. It is not easy. But, you love them and always will.

 

[PARVEZ SHAHIDI]

:salam2: Sister,

Any time they will be gone forever, and I am sure you will miss them very much, as we all do.

So do not do any thing which you will regret later.

Allah SWT knows the task is not easy.

Have patience and rewards are enormous (Jannah).

 

[Ershad]

Assalamu Alaykkum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

A similar question was posed to Shaykh Falaah Ibn Ismaa'eel al-Mundikaar and I have attached the audio of his response/Advice/Admonition with translation. Please listen to it. I think it is answer for you and all of us as well, Insha Allah.

Source: http://www.4shared.com/mp3/oxtUR8n3/Advice_to_a_son_who_may_get_up.html

Baarakallahu feekum!

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Brother,

It is not doing anything that you will regret. It is the delicate balance. I can not help but think and this may be so cultural that parents often are so disappointed by unmarried daughters or think about my poor mother. I did the grand slam..twice divorced.
Deep in the recesses of their minds we still come across as the failed child. As they age the disappointments are not hidden so well. As the parents becomes child-like so does the emotional content of their speech. They become blunt.
And no; not anytime will they be gone forever. We do not know who is going to die first. Stress like this leads to heart attacks. So now you the adult care-giver of an aging parent can not have much stress in your life but you are in a situation where there is no help. You are better off eating McDonald's for a month.

You have to balance the stress level. Somewhere in all that you have to find a place for you that is stress free. And siblings are not the answer. Remember you are on call 24/7. You have to put on your happy face at all times.

You smile and dhikr. But, do take a weekend to yourself. Take time for yourself. Find a mature and loving sister that you can vent with and have a good laugh. Make sure you have a social activity that is free from your responsibilities.

 

[Precious Star]

My father isn't child-like. In fact, he's independent. He volunteers and sits on many boards and committees, socializes with his friends, goes to see movies with his son, takes my mother shopping, etc.

Everything I said...that is not because of age. He's always been like that.

He's old, but far fom the helpless invalid I may have insinuated. Of course, at his age that can change anytime.

Aapa, I know your mother is in a bad spot . But she didn't stop you from getting married and having your boys. They are your respite, they are the ones who will take care of YOU when you need it.

I made certain sacrifices because of my father so when he is rude to me or ignores me, it hurts that much more, because I gave in, he did not wish for me to have a family of my own (he does not want my mother to have to live with my brothers if something happened to him) and I stayed dutiful. perhaps, deep deep down I thought it wouldn't go on forever, I thought someday my brothers would bear It more than me and I would have a loving home to come to at the end of each day. I remember when I was young I told myself that when I became an adult, therer would b NO swearing in my family and no yelling, because for me that was what a real Islamic family was all about.

There just seems to be something wrong with the entire picture. And I'm not saying that I will not take care of my parents. Thats not what I'm saying at all. But his behavior is not Islamic. It is not the conduct of a Muslim father.

What is the role of a Muslim family? What purpose does it serve? I'm wondering about that. Do I have a loving, Muslim family to turn to in my darkest hours? What are the characteristics of a real Muslim family?

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

But, I do not wish to be a burden to my sons. Something is wrong in my genetic make-up and I am too independent. I told my sons I am counting the seconds until they graduate from high school. I am going to buy a little red pick up truck and hit the road and I will visit them with my white gloves to do house inspection.

There is nothing in Islam that says a child has to be the sacrifice. You can marry and still be the caretaker of your parents. It is still very much in the picture.

Do not be angry with your parents and do not pity them. That was hard to write. You have to find a balance. And what you are questioning is so real.

The role of a Muslim family is the extended family. The family shares the burdens and the blessings. We have forgotten the role of family. I am convinced that shytan has been very strong in breaking up families. We do not share each other. We become isolated in our little worlds. We forget the role of the masjid. We forget our obligation to the community at the end of the day. We go to our little homes and the isolation magnifies.

We need to attend halakas. We need to devote time to building our communities. We need to have sisters making quilts, restocking food pantries, teaching our youth, we need to remind others about the legacy we leave behind.

I apologize for being long winded but we have to extend the family to our community.

And sweet sister I keep you in my dua.

 

[Precious Star]

Assalaam walaikum,

But, I do not wish to be a burden to my sons. Something is wrong in my genetic make-up and I am too independent. I told my sons I am counting the seconds until they graduate from high school. I am going to buy a little red pick up truck and hit the road and I will visit them with my white gloves to do house inspection.

There is nothing in Islam that says a child has to be the sacrifice. You can marry and still be the caretaker of your parents. It is still very much in the picture.

Do not be angry with your parents and do not pity them. That was hard to write. You have to find a balance. And what you are questioning is so real.

The role of a Muslim family is the extended family. The family shares the burdens and the blessings. We have forgotten the role of family. I am convinced that shytan has been very strong in breaking up families. We do not share each other. We become isolated in our little worlds. We forget the role of the masjid. We forget our obligation to the community at the end of the day. We go to our little homes and the isolation magnifies.

We need to attend halakas. We need to devote time to building our communities. We need to have sisters making quilts, restocking food pantries, teaching our youth, we need to remind others about the legacy we leave behind.

I apologize for being long winded but we have to extend the family to our community.

And sweet sister I keep you in my dua.

The father is the wali. He is the guardian. He is the one who protects. If the daughter in Islam cannot rely on that then who does she turn to ...what does Islam instruct?

And Aapa, you won't be a burden to your sons. That was my point...you treat your sons with love and they will be more than happy to visit you, call you, take you to the doctor.....just like I do with my mother.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

I just want to have some fun. InshaAllah, I will get the little red pick-up truck and go for a long drive with another sister. A six-week trek. And when I become a grandmommy I will take the babies with me.

On a more serious note:

Allah subhana wa taala is our Protector, He is our Guardian,He is our Wali. We have to turn to Him. We supplicate to Him.

When my father passed away I felt like an orphan. I was married at the time. I have not had a relationship with anyone else that was so loving. I was his little princess. I never had to ask him twice. I learned to pout and that was all I ever needed to do. Ours was a very quiet and simple relationship. It was one of the treasures of my life.

Now, I am very alone. I looked at the sky the other night. It was lit with stars. I thought to myself..there are what 7 or 8 billion people on Earth. Hello, and here I am all alone. I love my sons and they have reassured me that they love me; with all my idiosyncrasies. But, they are my children and almost grown.

So I turn to Allah subhana wa taala. I seek His Protection. I seek His Knowledge, I seek His Light. It is in seeking the Source of Love and Love that I gain strenght. And I am able to do for others. I am able to serve others.

Have you told your parents that they hurt your feelings. Are they even aware of what they say and do or is it such ingrained behavior that they are unaware of deeply they hurt you?

 

[ShyHijabi]

The father is the wali. He is the guardian. He is the one who protects. If the daughter in Islam cannot rely on that then who does she turn to ...what does Islam instruct?

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/95405/wali%20marry

This link is to a fatwa where a sister asked a very similar question, I felt this line in particular was informative.

But if the wali repeatedly refuses the proposal of a compatible suitor, he is to be regarded as preventing the marriage of the female relative under his care, and his guardianship is thus rendered null and void, and that right is transferred to the next closest relative on the father’s side.

 

[Precious Star]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

I just want to have some fun. InshaAllah, I will get the little red pick-up truck and go for a long drive with another sister. A six-week trek. And when I become a grandmommy I will take the babies with me.

On a more serious note:

Allah subhana wa taala is our Protector, He is our Guardian,He is our Wali. We have to turn to Him. We supplicate to Him.

When my father passed away I felt like an orphan. I was married at the time. I have not had a relationship with anyone else that was so loving. I was his little princess. I never had to ask him twice. I learned to pout and that was all I ever needed to do. Ours was a very quiet and simple relationship. It was one of the treasures of my life.

Now, I am very alone. I looked at the sky the other night. It was lit with stars. I thought to myself..there are what 7 or 8 billion people on Earth. Hello, and here I am all alone. I love my sons and they have reassured me that they love me; with all my idiosyncrasies. But, they are my children and almost grown.

So I turn to Allah subhana wa taala. I seek His Protection. I seek His Knowledge, I seek His Light. It is in seeking the Source of Love and Love that I gain strenght. And I am able to do for others. I am able to serve others.

Have you told your parents that they hurt your feelings. Are they even aware of what they say and do or is it such ingrained behavior that they are unaware of deeply they hurt you?

It's not my mother who acts that way. Only my father. No, he plays the victim 24/7. He would never acknowledge or accept that his behavior is hurtful or that I don't deserve to be hurt. That would not be a worthwhile discussion.

Well it lookst like the kids are here to stay, for you. Allah has always sent people your way!

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Allah in His Infinite Mercy sent you to me. I count all my tender mercies.

Well, love him and tease him a little bit. Do not be sarcastic but shake his little world up. Make him smile at himself. Let him know you are a chip off the old block..give it right back to him; plant a kiss on his head and rub it..keep telling him how much you love him. Rub his belly and tell him its gonna be ok..you are there to make his blues go away..you are his precious star...

Turn the tiger into a pussy cat!!!