my heart is so heavy i am gonna drop to the ground...
here's the story...mum always told me that you can always feel in your heart wether god has forgiven a sin or if he is angry with you. i comitted a sin and repented form it and ellhamdulellah it strengthened my faith and i felt such a peace within me...but then i comitted another sin just yesterday (i went to a male chiropracter and chiropracters need to check your back..without a layer of clothing) wait for it..i felt a bit dodgy about it but i thought he's a doctor it should be ok...but i confirmed with dad and it was cleared out that it was absolutley unnacceptable...then this sin made me remember a past sin i had comitted...ok i am only 18 years old and before ramadan this year i was nearly completley astray...i had picked up new age things and somehow let myself become involved with reading oracle tarot cards...i felt a little uneasy as the voice in my head said "watch out it may be something wrong" but ofcourse your friendly sinner ignored that little feeling..she went on and started doing readings..and part of the reading is to trust that "unicorns" or "angels" are guiding your reading or giving your advice..well no i realise this may have been a form of polytheism or "shirk" because i as asking guidance form a source other than allah SWT..memory fails me but i think i did the grave mistake of tryin to ask that "source" for help..it was new year's and i was like "whatever is out there help me" though i fully knew god is only the one and i was raised a muslim,i asked god in that same momen (allah) to help me...but i shoudlnt have even considered doing the cards as a way of seeking guidance for stupid freakin' "unicorns"...jeeeez!...but astaghfirullah i was led astray by a friend and was shown these cards and was interested in wicca (not that i practised it) and the law of attraction and whatnot...thing is that i just remembered these grave sins after i had gone to the chiro...before hand ellhamdulellah god had shown me the right way and i was beginnin to go back to regular praying and i even had days just last week where i looked at everything around me,the sunrise and sunset and that car and this chair and said subhan allah he crated everything i see and there is no god but him and i was feeling like he's the only light of my life no else...and i just started understanding surat "al hamd"...(bismillah) "eeyaka na'budu a eeyaka nasta'een" but now that i remember what a stupid thing i did by seeing that chiro and by believing even for a second that there are other forces that can help me...i dunno..i was dumb and stupid and god knows but according to the books ive read about islam..holy crap im going to hell for sure..as polytheism is an unrepentant thing..is this the big kind of polytheism or a small kind that inshallah god can forgive of me? mum said if god does not care about you he wouldnt make you feel guilty and sorry for what you have done..i dunno brothers and sisters what should i do? im so scared that ive crossed the line in a mment of darkness and stupidity that i cannot be accepted in god's grace again..could these moments of feeling like god's grace surrounded me have been the devil making me think that way? i cannot believe it...as i was not praying and not that close to allah before ramadan...then when i prayed god now i am elhamdullellah back to praying and i believe that the devil couldnt have done such a thing it must be god answering my prayer,which means those feelings of peace and calm are from god too..but what do i do now? dad said "you were astray and you're young you may have been decieved and stuff..just ask god for forgiveness and stop doing that...do tawbah saliha for allah SWT and you should be fine because allah is most merciful"...
*bangs head against wall* im in so much trouble
here's the story...mum always told me that you can always feel in your heart wether god has forgiven a sin or if he is angry with you. i comitted a sin and repented form it and ellhamdulellah it strengthened my faith and i felt such a peace within me...but then i comitted another sin just yesterday (i went to a male chiropracter and chiropracters need to check your back..without a layer of clothing) wait for it..i felt a bit dodgy about it but i thought he's a doctor it should be ok...but i confirmed with dad and it was cleared out that it was absolutley unnacceptable...then this sin made me remember a past sin i had comitted...ok i am only 18 years old and before ramadan this year i was nearly completley astray...i had picked up new age things and somehow let myself become involved with reading oracle tarot cards...i felt a little uneasy as the voice in my head said "watch out it may be something wrong" but ofcourse your friendly sinner ignored that little feeling..she went on and started doing readings..and part of the reading is to trust that "unicorns" or "angels" are guiding your reading or giving your advice..well no i realise this may have been a form of polytheism or "shirk" because i as asking guidance form a source other than allah SWT..memory fails me but i think i did the grave mistake of tryin to ask that "source" for help..it was new year's and i was like "whatever is out there help me" though i fully knew god is only the one and i was raised a muslim,i asked god in that same momen (allah) to help me...but i shoudlnt have even considered doing the cards as a way of seeking guidance for stupid freakin' "unicorns"...jeeeez!...but astaghfirullah i was led astray by a friend and was shown these cards and was interested in wicca (not that i practised it) and the law of attraction and whatnot...thing is that i just remembered these grave sins after i had gone to the chiro...before hand ellhamdulellah god had shown me the right way and i was beginnin to go back to regular praying and i even had days just last week where i looked at everything around me,the sunrise and sunset and that car and this chair and said subhan allah he crated everything i see and there is no god but him and i was feeling like he's the only light of my life no else...and i just started understanding surat "al hamd"...(bismillah) "eeyaka na'budu a eeyaka nasta'een" but now that i remember what a stupid thing i did by seeing that chiro and by believing even for a second that there are other forces that can help me...i dunno..i was dumb and stupid and god knows but according to the books ive read about islam..holy crap im going to hell for sure..as polytheism is an unrepentant thing..is this the big kind of polytheism or a small kind that inshallah god can forgive of me? mum said if god does not care about you he wouldnt make you feel guilty and sorry for what you have done..i dunno brothers and sisters what should i do? im so scared that ive crossed the line in a mment of darkness and stupidity that i cannot be accepted in god's grace again..could these moments of feeling like god's grace surrounded me have been the devil making me think that way? i cannot believe it...as i was not praying and not that close to allah before ramadan...then when i prayed god now i am elhamdullellah back to praying and i believe that the devil couldnt have done such a thing it must be god answering my prayer,which means those feelings of peace and calm are from god too..but what do i do now? dad said "you were astray and you're young you may have been decieved and stuff..just ask god for forgiveness and stop doing that...do tawbah saliha for allah SWT and you should be fine because allah is most merciful"...
*bangs head against wall* im in so much trouble