Salam brothers and sisters, I have been wanting to ask something for a while now. How are we supposed to get to know someone to see if we like them or not if were not allowed to date? I mean it doesent seem proper if we marry someone and hope for the best. Doesn't that leave a large margin for divorce? I must admit that a year ago I was into dating but that was before I began my salah and sawm , heck even before I knew it was haram. Any answers?
Practical question
- Thread starter Waseem203
- Start date
muslimah-2k8
Junior Member
She wants to go out with her fiance to make sure about him so that there will not be a disaster
i have a question thats bothering me alot for a while now..and i recently got divorce about a year now and i have no kids, its been a year now. my question is since i didnt' knew the guy before i got married and i got married to hum coz my parents thought he was nice for me..now since it happened with me i thought it would be nice if i know somebody before i get married not in a sense of dating but just talking and knowing whether he is a right person or wrong.. the point is i dont' want to hurt myself or end uplike this again so my question is does islam allows a girl to pick the guy and marriage i want some information regarding this.. i would appreciate your help
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Praise be to Allaah.
Islam has prescribed asking the father’s permission when one wants to marry his daughter, whether she is a virgin or has previously been married.
It is the girl’s right to have sufficient information about the person who wants to marry her. This may be achieved by enquiring about him through various channels, such as asking some of her relatives to ask his friends and those who know him well about him, because they may know a lot about his good and bad points which other people would not know about.
But it is not permissible for her under any circumstances to be alone with him (khulwah) before marriage, or to take off her hijaab in front of him. It is well known that in such meetings the man does not show his true nature, but rather he is on his best behaviour and tries to make a good impression. Even if she were to be alone with him or to go out with him, he will not show her his true character. Many of those who go out with a fiancé in this sinful manner end up in tragedy and these sinful steps, whether they were taken in private or in public, do not bring any benefits.
Often the fiancé will use sweet words and play with the emotions of his fiancée when he goes out with her, and he shows her his best side, but when she makes enquiries about him and tries to find out more about him, she will discover something entirely different. So going out with him or being alone with him does not solve the problem. Even if for the sake of argument we were to say that it does serve some purpose in finding out about the man's character, the resulting sin and possibility of leading to bad consequences is far greater than that (potential benefit). This is why Islam forbids being alone with a strange (non-mahram) man – and the fiancé is still a stranger – or taking off one’s hijaab in front of him.
We should not forget another important matter, which is that after the marriage ceremony (nikaah) and before the wedding night (when the marriage is celebrated and consummated), the woman has ample opportunity to get to know the man's character up close and to make sure about him, because now it is permissible for her to be alone with him and to go out with him, so long as the marriage contract has been concluded. If she discovers something bad that she really cannot put up with, then she can ask him for Khul’ (divorce). But usually the outcome is not so bad, so long as one has made enquiries about the person and found out about him in a proper fashion before the nikaah.
We ask Allaah to choose what is best for you and to make things easy for you wherever you are. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
i have a question thats bothering me alot for a while now..and i recently got divorce about a year now and i have no kids, its been a year now. my question is since i didnt' knew the guy before i got married and i got married to hum coz my parents thought he was nice for me..now since it happened with me i thought it would be nice if i know somebody before i get married not in a sense of dating but just talking and knowing whether he is a right person or wrong.. the point is i dont' want to hurt myself or end uplike this again so my question is does islam allows a girl to pick the guy and marriage i want some information regarding this.. i would appreciate your help
**********************************************************
Praise be to Allaah.
Islam has prescribed asking the father’s permission when one wants to marry his daughter, whether she is a virgin or has previously been married.
It is the girl’s right to have sufficient information about the person who wants to marry her. This may be achieved by enquiring about him through various channels, such as asking some of her relatives to ask his friends and those who know him well about him, because they may know a lot about his good and bad points which other people would not know about.
But it is not permissible for her under any circumstances to be alone with him (khulwah) before marriage, or to take off her hijaab in front of him. It is well known that in such meetings the man does not show his true nature, but rather he is on his best behaviour and tries to make a good impression. Even if she were to be alone with him or to go out with him, he will not show her his true character. Many of those who go out with a fiancé in this sinful manner end up in tragedy and these sinful steps, whether they were taken in private or in public, do not bring any benefits.
Often the fiancé will use sweet words and play with the emotions of his fiancée when he goes out with her, and he shows her his best side, but when she makes enquiries about him and tries to find out more about him, she will discover something entirely different. So going out with him or being alone with him does not solve the problem. Even if for the sake of argument we were to say that it does serve some purpose in finding out about the man's character, the resulting sin and possibility of leading to bad consequences is far greater than that (potential benefit). This is why Islam forbids being alone with a strange (non-mahram) man – and the fiancé is still a stranger – or taking off one’s hijaab in front of him.
We should not forget another important matter, which is that after the marriage ceremony (nikaah) and before the wedding night (when the marriage is celebrated and consummated), the woman has ample opportunity to get to know the man's character up close and to make sure about him, because now it is permissible for her to be alone with him and to go out with him, so long as the marriage contract has been concluded. If she discovers something bad that she really cannot put up with, then she can ask him for Khul’ (divorce). But usually the outcome is not so bad, so long as one has made enquiries about the person and found out about him in a proper fashion before the nikaah.
We ask Allaah to choose what is best for you and to make things easy for you wherever you are. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
muslimah-2k8
Junior Member
Regarding the issue of dating in Islam, one must first define what is meant by "dating." If it is understood to mean how a man and a woman get to know each other for the purpose of marriage, then there are certain guidelines and established procedures which can be discussed. However, if it is understood to refer to casual relationships between men and women who for the purpose of "fun" or "going out" and the such, then there is no provision for this in Islam. Such a situation is not considered respectful for neither the man nor the woman, nor is it constructive for the concept or the building of the family or society or social responsibility. Opening the door to relationships of love and infatuation and passion and pre-marital sex is categorically prohibited in Islam. It does not lead to the establishment of a family nor to proper and virtuous upbringing of children nor to stability and mutual care and tranquility and peace of mind between a man and woman. Rather, it leads to disorder, the disgracing of one's honor and dignity, and to a lifestyle similar to that of animals, and to that of illegitimate children who are subjected to life of vagrancy and loss.
As for the former case, regarding how a man and a woman come to know each other for the purpose of marriage, it varies from circumstance to circumstance. Normally if a man has the desire to marry and has the ability to accept the responsibility, and he does not have anyone in mind, he will ask his friends, family, and relatives if there is a lady that may be suitable for him and his expectations among their acquaintances and relatives. If someone is suggested, he normally asks about her extensively, about her religious observance, her personality, her knowledge, strengths, weaknesses, suitability as a wife willing to accept all the relevant responsibities, etc. If preliminary information seems appealing, then normally she is told that there is someone interested in meeting her and she is likewise given relevant information about him.
At this point, assuming the man and the woman as well as both families involved agree that there is potential, then the man usually visits the woman's family, often accompanied by members of his own. They are given the opportunity to see each other and sit and talk together, to converse modestly (but not in complete solitude) regarding whatever is relevant to making an informed judgment. The intention for this meeting should be for them to be able to make a decision whether or not they feel are mutually suitable. Afterwards, they each evaluate their own and their families' reactions, and pray to Allah that He guides them to what is in their best interest, and to make them accept the outcome. When both sides feel comfortable and feel they know everything they need to, based on all that has been mentioned such as asking about the other person, knowing their family, meeting in person, etc., they can make a final decision whether to carry on with marriage or not.
As for the former case, regarding how a man and a woman come to know each other for the purpose of marriage, it varies from circumstance to circumstance. Normally if a man has the desire to marry and has the ability to accept the responsibility, and he does not have anyone in mind, he will ask his friends, family, and relatives if there is a lady that may be suitable for him and his expectations among their acquaintances and relatives. If someone is suggested, he normally asks about her extensively, about her religious observance, her personality, her knowledge, strengths, weaknesses, suitability as a wife willing to accept all the relevant responsibities, etc. If preliminary information seems appealing, then normally she is told that there is someone interested in meeting her and she is likewise given relevant information about him.
At this point, assuming the man and the woman as well as both families involved agree that there is potential, then the man usually visits the woman's family, often accompanied by members of his own. They are given the opportunity to see each other and sit and talk together, to converse modestly (but not in complete solitude) regarding whatever is relevant to making an informed judgment. The intention for this meeting should be for them to be able to make a decision whether or not they feel are mutually suitable. Afterwards, they each evaluate their own and their families' reactions, and pray to Allah that He guides them to what is in their best interest, and to make them accept the outcome. When both sides feel comfortable and feel they know everything they need to, based on all that has been mentioned such as asking about the other person, knowing their family, meeting in person, etc., they can make a final decision whether to carry on with marriage or not.
a_stranger
Junior Member
:salam2:
Dear son , In our family most of marriges between couples who don`t know each other before marriage and AlahmduliAllah those marriages were the most succesefull and stable by the help of Allah swt ........the few marriages which had preceeded with some relation (not exactly dating) were (sorry to say )failer, the proplem with the media is that it is directing minds of people in such a way that it makes love before marriage a must ....I don`t think this is correct, Allah swt has his plan for his slaves if we obey Allah swt and trust him then our lifes will be happiness. What media is doing is controling minds and directing emotions ......Try to free yourself from such effects and try to follow the way of the prophet salla Allah alaihi wa sallam , I am sure you will get all the happiness and peace you wish for. You can see the girl first , ask about her ....if you feel she suits you then go in the legal way. My prayer that Allah swt guide all of us and protect us from all evils.
Dear son , In our family most of marriges between couples who don`t know each other before marriage and AlahmduliAllah those marriages were the most succesefull and stable by the help of Allah swt ........the few marriages which had preceeded with some relation (not exactly dating) were (sorry to say )failer, the proplem with the media is that it is directing minds of people in such a way that it makes love before marriage a must ....I don`t think this is correct, Allah swt has his plan for his slaves if we obey Allah swt and trust him then our lifes will be happiness. What media is doing is controling minds and directing emotions ......Try to free yourself from such effects and try to follow the way of the prophet salla Allah alaihi wa sallam , I am sure you will get all the happiness and peace you wish for. You can see the girl first , ask about her ....if you feel she suits you then go in the legal way. My prayer that Allah swt guide all of us and protect us from all evils.
um_mustafa
sister in Islam
mashallah Sister 2k8, very good reply , it has made me see the situation in a new light , barakallahufki.
Salams
Salams
thnx.