TORN between Husband and Parents

[shifanasir]

Assalamu Alaikum
I have been married to a boy who lives about 2000 kms away from my parents. This means that i was told that i would meet my parents and siblings once in six months. The problem is each time i come close to going to my parents place my inlaws (including a sisterinlaw, brotherinlaws, fatherinlaw and motherinlaw) all take objection. They keep taunting me that i should not go for more than 10 days when it is really hard to go so far and not stay for atleast 20 days. I miss my parents and siblings so much that i look forward to my visit eachtime but with this problem in my mind i remain unhappy and normally never in a proper frame of mind even with my husband. They keep taunting me that i should get my priorities right. I do everything that i need to do as a wife and a daughterinlaw even things such as cooking for my husband, his family, taking part in family events, genuinely caring for my inlaws, cooking special foods for my inlaws when they want, take care of my 1 year old son. I dont understand why everyone in the house has a problem when my own husband does not.

He understands that even i should be let to meet my parents and spend time with them but becuase of his family he gets brainwashed and every trip of mine gets ruined because of this. I am extremely helpless. They keep talking about what gifts i bring from my parents as they keep givinng for thier daughter. They discuss how rich my parents are or how much i will inherit and how my husband must make use of it wisely( when clearly in islam says it is the wife what she inherits and what she does is upto her) or rather why disucss things which do not even concern them? Even earlier they kept demanding my parents for dowry or "dehj" as you call it and how much they are supposed to give me. Luckily my parents are well off and did the best they could do which is why i wasnt taunted too much regarding that.

but constant comparisons between me and the other two daughterinlaws regarding gifts gets too annoying. it is very unfortunate that my husband gives heed to all this and gets brainwashed and has problems with me. My sisterinlaw(husbands sis) keeps poking her nose into my businesses and how she can never leave her husband for even a day when luckily for her her parents stay in the same town and she gets to meet them a minimum of thrice a week. She talks like a saint when all she does is only bitch about her husband and how strict he is or how lucky i am. Its really annoying. For one, my and my husband always decided to give eachother space and never to cross the line which is why i really love our relationship. We love and care for eachother but with all this i just get messed in the head and need serious help or advice.

 

[msmoorad]

salaams to all

i feel sorry for you
may Allah ta'ala change your condition for the better

the problem is that newly married couples should NOT live with their inlaws unless they have a big house and the couple can have their own bedroom,bathroom/toilet and little kitchen.
this is more important when the sisters/brother inlaws are also living in the same home.



cant you ask some senior person in your or your husbands family to speak to your inlaws & make them understand that they are behaving in a very shameful manner?

and Allah ta'ala knows best
jazakallah

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

My posts today are not going to be popular. I have been reading and thinking.

Sister,

My lord, sister. What are you doing?? Has anyone with sense talked to you.

When you first read this you will be angry. Do not. I write this for the Love and Fear of Allah.

You are putting your husband in a tug of war. He has to choose between you and his family.

You are his family.

You are discussing your husband on an international forum. Why would you discuss his financial situation with strangers. You have as you compared your parents wealth.

A woman protects and guards her husband. In all respects. He is your primary focus. Do you not understand how upsetting your behavior is to your parents.

This is al-nushooz. Discord.

One of the remedies prescribed by scholars in Fiqh is to have the couple live with pious and righteous people.

Sister, be patient and respectful to your husband at all times. Show him comfort and joy. Let the bond between you two great strong. Win over the love of his family by being a pious and loving wife.

You have it good. You have it too, good. Now, thank Allah for the blessings you have. Go make food for the orphans. Do something constructive as in deeds to please Allah.

 

[ShahnazZ]

:salam2:,

I've seen many similar posts on this forum lately where the OP is getting reprimanded for "airing their dirty laundry" on an international forum and I truly don't understand how someone can consider it to be on par with gossip.

I mean for goodness' sake it's ANONYMOUS. Most of the people here don't go by their real names and don't include names in said posts. Thus it's NOT gossip.

I've posted my own issues here so that I could vent to my brothers and sisters from the comfort of anonymity. Yes we all know each other on this forum but not in the personal sense that we would be considered anything other than a shoulder to cry on.

Seriously. It's so sad that even anonymously one can't post without getting thrown the gossip card.

Give me a few minutes and I'll find a fatwa. Because I'm POSITIVE this isn't gheebah.

 

[ShahnazZ]

Is it backbiting if you tell a story that happened even if you do not mention the names of the people involved?

If I tell the story of something that happened without mentioning any names, is that regarded as backbiting?

Praise be to Allaah.

If it is an unpleasant story and there is no information that could identify the people involved, then it is not backbiting; but if it will provoke trouble or lead to bad consequences, then mentioning it is haraam for that reason, even if it is not backbiting.

And Allaah is the Source of strength. May Allaah send blessings and peace upon our Prophet Muhammad and his family and companions. End quote.

Standing Committee for Academic Research and Issuing Fatwas

Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz, Shaykh ‘Abd al-Razaaq ‘Afeefi, Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Ghadyaan.


Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah li’l-Buhooth al-‘Ilmiyyah wa’l-Ifta (26/15).


To Sister ShifaNasir,

It really isn't a good idea for you to be using your real name on a forum. I'm not sure if that would change things for you regarding this situation because there are a million Shifa Nasirs in the world, but it's still not the best thing to do.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

It is in the interest of the marriage that things do not get aired. It is out of respect for the couple that I suggest they talk to each other. The bond weakens.

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

Assalamu'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh,

1. I'm not going to comment anything about reprimanding anyone etc because I perfectly agree that when one comes to a forum anonymously, the only thing that that person needs is some words of comforts, some insights from another angle that will maybe suddenly boost your enthusiasm, someone who can show empathy to what you are going through or at least a sincere, quiet du'a from the people reading it.

2. I agree with Appa though that in spite of the extreme annoyance from the in-laws, one huge blessing that Allaah has poured upon you is that you have a husband who is understanding [even if he is occasionally being "brainwashed"]. A husband who loves you. Think of how many singles/divorced man and woman yearning to complete their other half of the deen but yet, still haven't done so due to various factors? MashaAllaah, Allaah has been SO kind to you, sister So do not take that which you have at the moment for granted, inshaAllaah.

3. I'd say in a marriage, the best way to brainstorm and come up with the best conclusion is communication between the couples. Yes, sincere and open communication should be done not only when problem arises but even during happy times; just so that both can feel and cherish every moments; ups and downs together. Open up, have a heart-to-heart talk as an effort for you to make the husband-wife bond stronger and as to have a more blessed, happier marriage. Share with your husband whats bothering you in the most softest manners and tell him directly what you want so that once he is noted about it, inshaAllaah he'll be aware of the situation in the future. Then, next time whenever your husband is in need of you, you will always be there for him just like when he was there for you.

4. Your in laws, other surrounding factors that gives you hardships: those are tests from Allaah. To know how you respond to the situation. But do remember one thing sister, so long that Allaah, His Deen and your understanding husband are what matters the most to you, whatever comes in your way, you know that you are not alone. Allaah is with you. So seek help from Him Subhanahu wa Ta'ala. So that He, The Possessor of the hearts will soften the hearts of your in laws and everyone so that not only you married to a loving husband but you also married to his loving families, Ameen.

I hope that my words have not come on as offensive or unbeneficial to you. If there is any goodness, then indeed, ALL good things in this life come from Allaah alone. Alhamdulillah.