when is it enough for divorce?

[El Gordito]

wasalaamu alaikum waramatullahi wabarakatuhu TTI !

i need your advices !

for the past few weeks i have been fighting with my wife... well more she has been fighting me.. i have been only trying to maintain peace and stability... and to be nice and kind to her..

she cannot accept Islam as my choice and my faith...

when we married, she was a devout Christian..and i was raised Catholic, but never really felt that dedicated to it.. although i attended CCD for 10 years, and even served on the Altar... but after years of questioning and inner turmoil.. i figured it was just best that I believed in the Creator, and maintained my faith my own way... until of course i began to research and feel the Dawah all around me...

anyway.. she has begun to get violent (pooring water on my head in my sleep, and slapping me in my face in public places)... lots of screeming and shouting...

she keeps saying she just wants me to be back to old times.. but i cannot go back to

1) celebrating holidays i never believed in
2) looking at graven images of Jesus (pbuh) and crosses in my home
3) letting her watch very haram movies
4) allowing alcohol and pork in my refrigerator, and smoking in my house
5) my old life style was lost, directionless and hedonistic... i can't go back

I refuse to shake my faith, for her.. or any human on earth... and yet

she gave me an ultimatum - Islam.. or her.

is this enough for a divorce? i am sick of her treating me like this...
it's not just my Deen though, its everything... the events in the past few weeks have only opened up my eyes to see just how bad our marriage has been.. times where i thought i was doing the right thing by allowing her to act anyway she wanted, and for me to just cater to her feelings no matter how illogical or nonsensical it was....

*sigh*

a'oodthu billahi minash shaitanir rajeem

i do not want to hit her... and when i suggest time apart... she gets only more violent... i need to know what to do.

i know it is said that you can never love someone who does not love Allah (swt) the same way you do.............. so.... does this mean I can call for divorce?

jzk

 

[Bluegazer]

Assalamu Alaikum brother El Gordito,


I have a couple of questions:

1- Is your wife a Catholic?
2- Do you have children from her?

 

[El Gordito]

no, my wife is African Methodist Episcopal...

no children...

 

[IslamIsLight]

salam aleikum
Brother I think it would be better if u ask Imam or shaikh in your Mosque ...
May Allah help you ...

waaleikum salam

 

[a_brother]

:salam2: brother

that's scary... you know your wife best... i would sit back and think about it in debt... if you and her uncomfortable with current marriage and you don't think this could be fixed in the future... i would personally move on... i would want to marry a sister who would enjoy/help me with my after-life... as that (after-life) what matters the most... reason for us to be in this world is to work for our after-life, by following Allah's commends... May Allah make your decision easy and help you in all matters.....ameeen

 

[Bluegazer]

The reason I asked if your wife was a Catholic is because there has been some statements of the Catholic Church that might help in your situation. However, since she's not Catholic, these statements might not be useful.


I read the reasons you mentioned:

she keeps saying she just wants me to be back to old times.. but i cannot go back to

1) celebrating holidays i never believed in
2) looking at graven images of Jesus (pbuh) and crosses in my home
3) letting her watch very haram movies
4) allowing alcohol and pork in my refrigerator, and smoking in my house
5) my old life style was lost, directionless and hedonistic... i can't go back

Why don't you try and sit down with her and talk to her calmly, explaining [with patience] why you reject the above 5 points?


Or maybe she's the sort that doesn't listen well when you want to explain something?

 

[El Gordito]

i have tried to speak with her on countless occasions in the past weeks... it is not working... she refuses to listen

I have emailed the imam near the masjid here to speak with me in person ......


*i would love to marry someone who believes what i believe, and loves what i love.. but i need to strenthen my iman enough to know what is right thing to do

i have been trying to avoid ranting about this on the internet, she is a normally wonderful person, but i do not believe we can continue like this... together, we are not working.

 

[Bluegazer]

I ask Allah the Almighty to guide you to the right decision, brother El Gordito.


I apologize, but I must disconnect from the Internet soon. I wish you all the best.

 

[dianek]

i have tried to speak with her on countless occasions in the past weeks... it is not working... she refuses to listen

I have emailed the imam near the masjid here to speak with me in person ......


*i would love to marry someone who believes what i believe, and loves what i love.. but i need to strenthen my iman enough to know what is right thing to do

i have been trying to avoid ranting about this on the internet, she is a normally wonderful person, but i do not believe we can continue like this... together, we are not working.

I think it is important that you realize how much your decision affects her, the world she knew. You have to be sensitive to that. Your choice is not her choice. I think it is unfair for you to go and turn her world upside down, take things like holidays that are important to her and then forbid them. You can either stay with her and be kind and gracious and offer her to continue life in her manner OUTSIDE the home or ask for a separation. I don't think Muslims realize how much it affects the non-muslims in your world, especially a wife, when you come in and institue Islamic Law in their home. I mean how would you feel if she became a different faith and decided she didn't want the Qu'ran in her home or other islamic symbols and refused to respect your observance of Ramadan. Give her some time.........show her that you are still you......and if you are not still you......give her the gift of letting her move on. I am telling you this out of someone who has been in her shoes. I married my husband knowing he was IN NAME a muslim...but he wasn't practicing AT ALL believe me. He did Christmas and easter and all that other jazz with me the first 2 years of marriage....then he flipped a switch and just up and changed consequently making me miserable! Please understand what she is going through right now. All the things she has done to you that you mentioned is just her anger and sadness over losing the person she fell in love with. Show her you are still there.

 

[jabba]

:salam2:
If you have a chance to read other posts here you will see women staying in bad relationships, some even verbally and emotionally abusive relationships. I don't think it's right to be in a place where you are unhappy, or to bring kids into a place in that kind of environment. The choise is yours. I married my husband before I became MUslim, we never argued about religion and I did whatever I could to respect him ie: asking if he wants me to get him halal meat while I'm out, encouraging him to go to the mosque, I would love to tell your wife this too, I think she needs to hear it.

 

[umm hussain]

Asalam alaikum brother

What she is doing is totally unreasonable and inexcusable and even if you are not happy with ones choice of religion there is no need to go into pouring water on them, hitting them in public or anything else. People tend to sympathise with women even in situations like this but what if it was you doing this to her, I am sure the police would have been to your house and you might have been doing some jail time or pay a heavy price one way or the other and a lot of people would not sympathise with you.

Obviously there are always two sides to every story and we only know a fraction of what is going on but I would think these are reasonable grounds of divorce. I like you would like someone who respects me and share the same belief. If the person will not even listen to you and turns violent how can you even begin to start a conversation and in your own words you have tried to speak to her several times to no avail. Since there are no children involved it is even better to make a fresh start and inshallah you will find someone to help you and comfort you.

You cannot stop your current wife from smoking, eating pork, drinking or celebrating any of these holidays because that is what she believes in. Today's Christians unfortunately are far from Jesus' teachings because eating pork is not allowed nor drinking alcohol and hijab is mentioned in their own bible but people have changed it all to suit peoples desires and to be politically correct. There are some current Christian faiths however that adhere to these teachings and have more in common with Islam than any other Christian. The best thing to do is to leave and live on your own and increase your Imaan and can live according to your new way of life or put up with her behaviour, whichever you think is best.

If you leave something for Allah's sake, Allah will reward you with something better than it.

 

[samiha]

:salam2:

I dont have anything to say, as I am quite ignorant on rulings on such situations, but have you tried istikhaarah?

wasalam

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

You have found the Truth and Peace and Love. Let her go. I will simply state that she wants to remain in the ignorant and arrogant state. Usually, I attempt to help others reconcile. This is a different matter. Her abusive behavior is not to be tolerated. I say this because there are many pious Muslim women who would treat you with love and respect. All that is not with Allah Subhana Talla is false.
I am coming across as harsh. What many forget is she is not doing her duty as a wife. She, too, has been given the Light and Path. It is her choice not to wish to follow.
The Muslims will help you. Insha'Allah will ease you pain.

 

[dianek]

He made a committment to love honor and cherish her......you suggest he should throw that out because she has a hard time accepting the MASSIVE change that has happened in her life? All I can say is that I see a lot of TUNNEL VISION here and little tolerance. Yes she is wrong for attacking him. But do we know how harsh he may be coming across to her in his demands for an Islamic home. Before I converted I can tell you there were times when if had had the guts I would have attacked my husband too. He could make life unbearable by acting holier than thou and making demands that I change my life to suit HIS faith. Give her time, be kind, don't shove Islam down her throat.....if you are good to her, she will see your heart and what isalm has done for you and she could come around. Do you love her? How long have you been married? Are you willing to throw that out because you changed your faith? Love your wife and she will love you. If there are things she continues to do that are unislamic, leave her to do them outside of the home....for instance, if she likes to a concert or out with a girlfriend....let her! As long as she is not disrespecting your home. I know my advice is not Islamic but I am telling you from a woman who hated Islam because of my husband....who actually thought about reporting him as a terrorist because I didn't like the way he shoved his beliefs down my throat....We do crazy things when we feel trapped and at the end of our ropes. Thankfully, when my husband backed off of pushing it on me I came around on my own....though I will say I never once persecuted him for being muslim or stood in the way of him teaching our children islam....

 

[FearAllah]

assalamu alaikum bother

rememeber brother that Allah loves those who are patient and showing your patience at times like these is far better for you, having said that it is easier said then done by someone who isnt in your situation, but everything is a test from Allah swt..if after trying your best nothing seems to change then maybe you should consider divorce especially since you do not have children with her yet, cos when children are involved then its much more difficult as you wud have to think about the children aswell. there are 3 stages of divorce maybe through the will of Allah after the first stage she might even trun around and change for the better knowing that she is about to lose someone speacial Allahu alam..Have you tried performing salatul hajah (prayer for fulfillment of need) and ask Allah to make things better inshallah..

and rememerber brother Allah says in the Qur'an 'Allah does not lay on any soul a burden except to the extend to which He has granted it; Allah brings about ease after difficulty.' Surah Al-Talak ayah 7.

may Allah make it easy for you inshallah

wasalam

 

[El Gordito]

jazakallah to everyone for your advices...

I have never been harsh or mean to her, the only time i have raised my voice was in order to stop her from screaming. ALthough i truely felt like i would have, i always try to maintain self control...

I am not trying to shove things down her throat... she still has bottles of Wine Coolers in the fridge, and posters and pictures of people on the walls... and a DVD collection that most people would forbid their teenagers to see... I told her in the beginning that I would never preach to her anything, unless she was naturally curious and wanted to know more...

i understand that if the situation was reversed how i'd be affected, but in truth, i would never retaliate like this, i would simply remove myself to a location that allowed me to be at peace.

and to make matters worse, she has called her entire family, and told them that i am going to be a "terrorist" and going to things which i explained to her were totally against everything the Qu'ran stands for...

she tried to call my family also, which makes it even more of a sensitive issue because my younger brother is in the USARMY, and he has served in Iraq... i explained to her, the US Army presence in Iraq has nothing to do with Islam , but a political agenda of greed and power, and that my brother only joined the army because he was shown $10,000 bonus, and was told that they would pay for his college, and train him skills to get a better job if he chooses to leave the army (all of which lies so far)....

i am going to try and talk to her today, hopefully we can remain peaceful and respectful... i have been told that I am stupid to expect otherwise, since according to western philosophies the definition of 'crazy' is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...

i will try to have patience, and Insha'Allah make the best choice for both of us.

 

[a_brother]

jazakallah to everyone for your advices...

I have never been harsh or mean to her, the only time i have raised my voice was in order to stop her from screaming. ALthough i truely felt like i would have, i always try to maintain self control...

I am not trying to shove things down her throat... she still has bottles of Wine Coolers in the fridge, and posters and pictures of people on the walls... and a DVD collection that most people would forbid their teenagers to see... I told her in the beginning that I would never preach to her anything, unless she was naturally curious and wanted to know more...

i understand that if the situation was reversed how i'd be affected, but in truth, i would never retaliate like this, i would simply remove myself to a location that allowed me to be at peace.

and to make matters worse, she has called her entire family, and told them that i am going to be a "terrorist" and going to things which i explained to her were totally against everything the Qu'ran stands for...

she tried to call my family also, which makes it even more of a sensitive issue because my younger brother is in the USARMY, and he has served in Iraq... i explained to her, the US Army presence in Iraq has nothing to do with Islam , but a political agenda of greed and power, and that my brother only joined the army because he was shown $10,000 bonus, and was told that they would pay for his college, and train him skills to get a better job if he chooses to leave the army (all of which lies so far)....

i am going to try and talk to her today, hopefully we can remain peaceful and respectful... i have been told that I am stupid to expect otherwise, since according to western philosophies the definition of 'crazy' is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...

i will try to have patience, and Insha'Allah make the best choice for both of us.

May Allah make it easy for you... ameeen

 

[IslamIsLight]

jazakallah to everyone for your advices...

I have never been harsh or mean to her, the only time i have raised my voice was in order to stop her from screaming. ALthough i truely felt like i would have, i always try to maintain self control...

I am not trying to shove things down her throat... she still has bottles of Wine Coolers in the fridge, and posters and pictures of people on the walls... and a DVD collection that most people would forbid their teenagers to see... I told her in the beginning that I would never preach to her anything, unless she was naturally curious and wanted to know more...

i understand that if the situation was reversed how i'd be affected, but in truth, i would never retaliate like this, i would simply remove myself to a location that allowed me to be at peace.


and to make matters worse, she has called her entire family, and told them that i am going to be a "terrorist" and going to things which i explained to her were totally against everything the Qu'ran stands for...

she tried to call my family also, which makes it even more of a sensitive issue because my younger brother is in the USARMY, and he has served in Iraq... i explained to her, the US Army presence in Iraq has nothing to do with Islam , but a political agenda of greed and power, and that my brother only joined the army because he was shown $10,000 bonus, and was told that they would pay for his college, and train him skills to get a better job if he chooses to leave the army (all of which lies so far)....

i am going to try and talk to her today, hopefully we can remain peaceful and respectful... i have been told that I am stupid to expect otherwise, since according to western philosophies the definition of 'crazy' is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...

i will try to have patience, and Insha'Allah make the best choice for both of us.

salam aleikum
I hope everything will be solved soon for you inshaAllah .All I can say just keep praying to Allah to make things easy for you.
And if Allah put u to this ,He will bring u thru this .
There is a time when dua accepted ,I read in your profile that you are new revert ,u might already know all this but I will just post it for you in case...
Try to wake up and pray in the middle of the night and also pray the salat Al-Istikhara .

Abu Hurayrah (radhi allahu anhu) reported that the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “Our Lord descends every night to the lowest heaven, when only one third of the night has remained. He says: “Who will invoke Me, so that I may give him? Who will seek My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him.” [Saheeh al-Bukharee and Saheeh Muslim] In another report, he adds: “Then Allah extends His Hand and says: “Who wants to invest (good deeds) with the One who is not wasteful or unjust?” He continues to say this until the dawn arrives.” [Saheeh Muslim] [/COLOR]
Jabir (radhi allahu anhu) reported, the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) saying: “There is an hour of the night which no Muslim person encounters and asks for a good thing for this life or the Hereafter, but Allah grants it to him. This happens every night.”

Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that he heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) saying, “There is an hour in the night, in which no Muslim servant will implore Allah for good in this world and the next without giving it to him, and that applies to every night.” (Reported by Muslim)

Aa'ishah (radhi allahu anha) reported the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) saying: “The most beloved deeds to Allah are the most constant, even if they were little.” [Saheeh al-Bukharee and Saheeh Muslim


This is the link how to pray salat Al-Istikhara .Please check here
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17978

waaleikum salam

 

[wonnee3]

As Salaamu Alaykum, Brother El Gordito, were u muslim b4 marriage? we share a funny thread that ALLAH puts on reverts in this country. My sons' mother told me she could never embrace Islam because her Grandmother would disown her... not concerned about the hereafter, but, her GM!!! My concern is for your children, they will b the most effected,as was my son. You MUST establish Islam in your childrens' heart so they know the difference, Second Islam is NOT a religion of compulsion you are NOT allowed to give her ultimatiums of become Muslim or else. ALLAH blessed you with the Deen of Islam your actions Insha ALLAH will win her over. No my sons' mother and i are not together now, but, it was by her choice to leave me rather than me leaving her, Al Hamduillah ALLAH sent me a good sound Muslimah to help raise my son the this deen. May ALLAH guide you. Which of the favours of your Lord will you deny?

 

[wonnee3]

As Salaamu Alaykum, Bro Gordito plz xcept my apology i should have read ntire thread b4 commenting...daaah! my bad Insha ALLAH i will refrain from putting foot in mouth w/ shoe on from now on. NO CHILDREN? NO PROBLEM, she has given you an ultimatum of your Deen or her? Akhi that puts you in a whole other bracket than what i was in, did you ever say anything like that to her? then try to explain to her what she is asking of you, then ask yourself ( is there any single sisters @ the masjid?) alright that was alittle over the top and uncalled for, but it is pretty clear that she wants you to denounce your faith to revert back to a non-believer. The part of the alcohol in the frig has always cracked me up. Insha ALLAH, PLZ REMOVE FOOT FROM MOUTH ON OTHER REPLY, May ALLAH reward you for your kindness. Which of the favours of your Lord will you deny?