Assalamu alaykum Jinma, welcome to the site. Those are a few questions, each one really deserves its own post. In sha Allah, we will help you with understanding Islam and removing the misconceptions.
Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand. (4:34)
This ayah (verse) is probably one of the most misunderstood and misquoted verses of the Holy Quran. The Quran uses the Arabic word qawwamuna in the beginning of this verse, so it reads "Men are the qawwamuna of women." The word qawwamuna means to continuously stand over something (e.g. a guard or a caretaker) or to maintain something. The closest single word in English to qawwamis probably guardian. The grammatical form of qawwam combines the concepts of physical maintenance and protection as well as responsibility. The word denotes no superiority but responsibility. A correct translation of "qawwamuna a'ala aln-nisa" therefore would be "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women". To use "in charge" is quite a loose translation.
This is a better translation:
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other..."
So a husband must be a protector and maintainer of his wife. It is important to note that the expression "men are qawwamuna over women" only describes the relationship between husband and wife within the family. The expression does not refer to the relationship between men and women in general. Now we can continue to look at the next part of the verse.
Why does God assign men the role to be the maintainer or guardian of the family? Men are financially responsible for the family because men and women both have different roles. It would be very difficult for a women to go through pregnancy and raise children at the same time as providing for the family. So men are to provide for the family. This does not mean that women cannot work, but due to the nature of women sometimes it can be difficult at times, so men are the maintainers, and are held financially responsible for the family.
Then the Quran says, "So the righteous are devoutly obedient, guarding in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard." It seems as if the Quran is referring to those women who are obedient to their husbands, but the term is being used for those women who are devoutly obedient to GOD. When the husband is absent, a women is expected to guard her chastity. As for those women who cheat on their husbands and commit major sins, the Quran says how to deal with them. When a husband dislikes their wives, they are instructed:"Consort with them in a good manner for if you dislike them it be that you dislike something in which god places much goodness." (4:19)
In the verse 4:34 the Quran suggests three ways to stop family crisis. One, to remind them of God and his teachings, and to talk with them. The Quran uses the phrase izuhannawhich means to remind them of God's teachings. If that works then the matter is settled. If not, then the second step is to avoid sharing beds with such wives. The Quran says in Arabic "Wahjuruhunna fi'il madaiji" which means to leave them alone in bed or to not share their bed. Note, it is the man who is required to leave and not the women. The last option mentioned in the Quran in Arabic is wadribuhunna. The word Idrib is usually translated as "strike" or "hit". However, this does not mean physical abuse, in fact Islam condemns physical abuse against wife.
As one can see from the Prophet's statements: "It is strictly forbidden for a Muslim man to beat his wife violently, nor is he allowed to physically abuse her or strike her on the face for any reason. " Wadribuhunna is a way of stopping ones wife from doing evil, it is not to cause pain (this is why hitting on the face or any sensitive area is never allowed), it must not leave a bruise or a mark on the skin and it should not cause emotional problems. The Arabic phrase does not resembles violence or abuse.
If someone were to hit another person with a piece of string, it would still be called 'striking' but that does not mean it is physical abuse. In the same way when the Quran uses the word strike it does not mean physical abuse, as this is condemned by the prophet and the teachings of Islam. It is more of a gesture. You could also say that if someone physically stopped another person from doing something bad (within limits), is it considered abuse and violent? The Quran also tells us to imitate the prophet Muhammad (pbuh), and it is recorded in the hadiths that he never beat his wives. Anyone who uses this verse as an excuse for domestic violence is not following Islamic teaching. No Muslim wife-beater can possibly claim to imitate the Prophet.
The last part of this verse says:
"But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand."
The verse ends by saying, "If they obey you, seek no means against them" - obey at any stage - and "obey", coming in its place here, means "refrain" from the act which caused this problem. Thus "obedience" here does not mean being submissive to the husband, but refraining from a serious offence. To refrain in this way is an obligation on every person.
Abu Hurayra narrated that the Prophet said: "The most perfect of the believers in their belief are those with the best manners, and the best of you are those who are best with their wives." (Sahih Bukhari)
