Sisters Women in Islamic families

Precious Star

Junior Member
Masha Allah sister , very well said , we need more Eman: faith to feel what is already given to us, we should not wait till we loose it to feel it . Dear sister Star try to rearrange your feelings ........don't concentrate on what you are missing , but on what you are given . Try to have more Eman and knowledge of Islam .........Allah subhanahu wa taaala will reward you for all the good you are doing.

I don't understand what you are saying. In Islam, families are a source of honour and protection for women. That is my Islam -- your Islam may be different. The Islam I know requires that parents and siblings do not speak harsh words to their daughter nor force their daughter to pay for everything herself or make things more difficult for her.

When you say have more Eman, what you are saying is that accept that in Islam it is ok for a father to tell his daughter to shut up, to get mad if she makes food he does not like. Eman does not require unmarried daughters to act like a chef in a restaurant; it requires them to do their best to make sure their parents are nourished.

It is haram for brothers not to help their parents and sister. It is haram for a father to swear at his daughter. It is haram for the parents and brothers not to provide financial support to their daughter/sister. It is haram for the parents/brothers not to help her get married and achieve a family and motherhood of her own.

Sister, your understanding of "eman" is very strange indeed if you are suggesting that I accept things that are haraam. Indeed, this is very disturbing. Everything that is going on is opposite to what Islam has intended, and your response is "oh just have more Eman." By going along with everything, I am also participating in this haraam. So let's say I stop making meals every day after work -- that means my brothers and their wives and grown children will have to do so. Is that haraam if they do it? No, they would be fulfilling their obligations, and in turn it would give me more time to work so I can earn more money to support myself, or it gives me more time to make friends -- and hopefully friends who will become my "family" when I am old and alone and need to be taken care of. Because it is clear that no one in my family will ever help take care of me. Islam does require that I be alone my whole life, saving every penny and dying alone. Please quote from hadith that justifies such a position. In your blanket statement of having more "eman" you fail to recognize that this is exactly what my family is trying to do -- they want to jeopardize my own financial and emotional well-being so that my brothers can live a happy and peaceful life without bothering about elderly parents and without bothering about myself. And that is haraam.
 

Seeking Peace

Junior Member
So what happens when the parent dies? Does the child die as well?
sister am extremely sorry if i've hurt you...believe me i didn't mean to...Allah S.W.T knows my intention...its just that the statement made me cry...because i've lost both my parents...and am going through very rough times myself...i didn't mean to hurt you at all...am sorry...
 

Seeking Peace

Junior Member
i may not understand your pain fully...but am going though somewhat similar circumstances...my brother is so mean that he is enjoying his life at my expense and has literally made my life a living hell...sister you are not alone...

may Allah S.W.T make our lives and aakhira easy on us...ameen sum ameen...
 

Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
So what happens when the parent dies? Does the child die as well?

Obviously not. But the means through which we earn our rewards and make an investment for the akhirah, that does. And then, no matter where in the world we look, and how far we seek it, we can never find its equivalent.
 

Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
sister am extremely sorry if i've hurt you...believe me i didn't mean to...Allah S.W.T knows my intention...its just that the statement made me cry...because i've lost both my parents...and am going through very rough times myself...i didn't mean to hurt you at all...am sorry...

Sister, why are you sorry, and what for? You haven't even said anything ... :confused-34:
 

Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
When you say have more Eman, what you are saying is that accept that in Islam it is ok for a father to tell his daughter to shut up, to get mad if she makes food he does not like. Eman does not require unmarried daughters to act like a chef in a restaurant; it requires them to do their best to make sure their parents are nourished.

I am not sure where and in what you see your solution to lie ... what is it that you're looking for? A change of mentality, change of family circumstances, or more explicitly, you turning your back on all that has been the source of grief for you and starting a new life? Regardless, for any of those matters to occur, it is your call, and your place to amend. You say you have tried all avenues, yet you feel unsatisfied ... well then that is just a matter of fate, and whether you would like to accept it, or keep referring to your family's attitude, which doesn't seem to change, the fact of the matter is you have to live with it, and you know that better than anyone.

Yes Islam is not what your family and brothers are doing, but what you're saying is quite a flawed logic too, because essentially Islam does not require anything of anyone. What we do is for ourselves. Islam does not require a wife to do anything for her husband either. If she wants, she can take the back seat, as far as being given her due for breastfeeding his child. Islam does not dictate that a woman become a chef in her husband's house either, or a cleaner to please him and his family. But if a woman wants her share of reward, to please her husband and to seek his pleasure, through which Allah's pleasure is sought, then a woman will embrace those things wholeheartedly. And it can't be more fulfilling in doing it for your own parents. They are the gateway to Jannah, the path to reward and the punishment too.

By Imaan I guess the sister was referring to a renewal of intentions. Undo those knots that have formed in your heart, those grudges that seem to stand in the way of accepting your fate. Yes, forty plus years is a long time to bear such a burden, but then forty plus years might also have taught you patience and perseverance, right? Renew your intentions, do it for Allah and ignore anything that happens in between. It is possible, these are not just mere words.
 

HirraJaved

Junior Member
I feel this way too, its really hard but i think we should just stick by our parents no matter what. Life in this world was never meant to be easy. Maybe one day your parents will realize what good you did for them one day when they are old and fragile. They might look back and think what a beautiful daughter i have raised and might actually appreciate you and Allah will bless you so much for staying with them and caring for them through their criticism. Until that day you must keep struggling to please them and to please Allah.
 

Seeking Peace

Junior Member
Sister, why are you sorry, and what for? You haven't even said anything ... :confused-34:
Assalam-o-Alaikum Wr Wb Sister...

sister because i know what she is going through...if i can't do something to better her life than i should stay out of her way...there are things that can't be understood by everyone...only the one who is going through it, living it, breathing it every moment knows what he/she is going through...only Allah SA.W.T knows rest are mere spectators or commentators...its not easy to be pounded with thoughts of worthlessness...

sister @Precious Star i understand your pain...and i pray that Allah S.W.T makes it easy for you...ameen sum ameen..

W'S..
 
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Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
sister because i know what she is going through...if i can't do something to better her life than i should stay out of her way...there are things that can't be understood by everyone...only the one who is going through it, living it, breathing it every moment knows what he/she is going through...only Allah SA.W.T knows rest are mere spectators or commentators...its not easy to be pounded with thoughts of worthlessness...

W'S..

That is good and true, and where our sympathies lie, they have been extended, but I wouldn't say everything shared has been worthless. There is worth and reason in everything, it needs to be sought. Some spectators are chosen to be a part of our lives, to share their thoughts and wisdom on matters we seek a resolve for. Some things need to be accepted, as matters of fact. Being defensive and making noise out of something that has little room for change only sounds clanky. It's a burden to say the least, that is agreeable, but if that is the case, and accepted as such, then a means should be sought to work around it as opposed to tackling it, which clearly is mere disappointment.

As you said, only you, who bears it, are aware of its difficulty, and so may you be granted peace and ways of ease.
 

Seeking Peace

Junior Member
That is good and true, and where our sympathies lie, they have been extended, but I wouldn't say everything shared has been worthless. There is worth and reason in everything, it needs to be sought. Some spectators are chosen to be a part of our lives, to share their thoughts and wisdom on matters we seek a resolve for. Some things need to be accepted, as matters of fact. Being defensive and making noise out of something that has little room for change only sounds clanky. It's a burden to say the least, that is agreeable, but if that is the case, and accepted as such, then a means should be sought to work around it as opposed to tackling it, which clearly is mere disappointment.

As you said, only you, who bears it, are aware of its difficulty, and so may you be granted peace and ways of ease.

i agree with you on that sister...all that has been said and shared is worthy......all am saying is that there are phases in life that are not easy...when you don't know what to do and how to rid yourself from it...in such situations its not easy to understand the matters of fate and acceptance...we women have been created very weak emotionally and also are tested in terms of being thankful for what we've been blessed with in comparison to what we lack in our lives...my take on when you are unable to apprehend what is happening and how to respond; just step back, think, analyze and try to understand the ground realities and reasons...time is an essential factor...take time...and Allah S.W.T will make things clear to you In Shaa Allah when He wills...

enough said...

W'S..
 
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a_stranger

Junior Member
Dear sister preciouse star , I am very sorry if i hurted you please accept my apologize. I thought that I can help. Yes all the things that you are going through are unislamic , unfair..........but what you are doing :taking care of your parents is great ....beautiful.....noble..job...something that will give a very high rank in Janna after a long healthy life I pray.......dear I meant by Eman :to renew the pure clear intention to please Allah subhanahu wa taaala......to seek his pleasure this can make us more happy and patient.......please sister calm down think of what people are suffering all around the world Try to enjoy your work , your efforts......your whole life
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Dear sister preciouse star , I am very sorry if i hurted you please accept my apologize. I thought that I can help. Yes all the things that you are going through are unislamic , unfair..........but what you are doing :taking care of your parents is great ....beautiful.....noble..job...something that will give a very high rank in Janna after a long healthy life I pray.......dear I meant by Eman :to renew the pure clear intention to please Allah subhanahu wa taaala......to seek his pleasure this can make us more happy and patient.......please sister calm down think of what people are suffering all around the world Try to enjoy your work , your efforts......your whole life

You did not hurt me at all sister a_stranger, not at all.

Everyone has there burdens. Just because someone else has a different burden does not make my burden easier.

The middle of the Quran is a word in sura Kaaf. It is the Arabic word for "gentle". I am treated roughly every day, which makes me wonder where is the gentleness in Muslim families. Yesterday my father picked a fight with me, yelling the words "sh-t" 3 times in my face (it is a swear word...read "tihs" backwards and you will get it). I'm 42 years old and I've waited my whole life for the gentleness. I feel like it is ok to go away, to leave my parents now in the bands of their sons and grown grandchildren. It is no longer my duty to listen to swear words and harsh language, when I have given up a life of marriage and motherhood for my parents. I feel I have done my duty and if my father is mad about it, so be it -- he can yell at his precious sons and grandchildren. Will I get married? Probably not, since there are no Islamic avenues for marriage for older women in the west. I may find a non Muslim who can take care of me, and maybe accept Islam, who knows, but I am used to be being by myself anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.
 

eminbey

信得過…是我的名字
In my humble opinion, dear sister, based on my short experience in this life; I would say that its unfair for anyone of us to try giving you advice, when we didn't hear from the other side (parents).
I think that there is a hidden truth, that should be revealed somewhere in this story u gave us.
We muslims believe that every single event in our lives is created by Allah Subhanah, and every action has to have a reaction, ( see when u drop a rock in a full of water barrel?, u'll get the regressive waves along the process), same happens in our daily life, you should start by looking for the missing pieces in the puzzle in your relationship with your parents; after all you got one MOM and DAD not thousands, you should seek their satisfaction.
Blaming others is the easiest way for our nafs to avoid struggling for the better, overlap this level and you'll develop better relationships in both your personal and professional lives
 

eminbey

信得過…是我的名字
My second advice to you is consisted from some evidences ;

Story of Prophet Yusuf/Joseph (pbuh):

"And he said to the one whom he knew to be saved: "Mention me to your lord (your King, so to get me out of the prison)." But Satan made him forget to mention it to his lord (or Satan made Joseph to forget the remembrance of his Lord (Allah) as to ask for His Help, instead of others). So Joseph stayed in prison a few more years." (Ch 12:36-42).

_Prison was Joseph's third test. During this period Allah blessed him with an extraordinary gift; the ability to interpret dreams. At about the same time two other men landed in the prison. One was the cupbearer of the king; the other was the king's cook. The two men sensed that Joseph was not a common criminal, for an aura of piety glowed on his face. Both men had vivid dreams, and they were anxious to have them explained. The king's cook dreamed that he stood in a place with bread on his head, and two birds were eating the bread. The cupbearer dreamed that he was serving the king wine. The two went to Joseph and told him their dreams, asking him to give them their meaning.

First, Joseph called them to Allah. Then he said that the cook would be crucified until he died and that the cupbearer would return to the service of the king.
Joseph told the cupbearer to remember him to the king and to say that there was a wronged soul called Joseph in prison. What Joseph predicted did happen; the cook was crucified and the cupbearer returned to the palace.

After the cupbearer returned to service,
Satan made him forget to mention Joseph's name to the king. Therefore, Joseph remained in prison for a few years, but he made patience his own, praying to Allah.

The scene in the prison closes; a new scene opens in the bedchamber of the king. The king is asleep. He sees himself on the banks of the Nile river. The water is receding before him, becoming mere mud. The fish begin to skip and jump in the mud. Seven fat cows come out of the river followed by seven lean cows. The seven lean ones devour the seven fat ones. The king is terrified. The seven ears of green grain grow on the riverbanks and disappear in the mud. One the same spot grow seven dray ears of grain.

The king awoke frightened, shocked, and depressed, not knowing what all this meant. He sent for the sorcerers, priests and ministers, and told them his dream.

The sorcerers said: "This is a mixed up dream. How can any of that be? It is a nightmare."

The priests said: "Perhaps his majesty had a heavy supper."

The chief minister said: "Could it be that his majesty was exposed and did not draw the blanket up at night?"

The king's jester said, jokingly: "His majesty is beginning to grow old, and so his dreams are confused."

They reached an unanimous conclusion that it was only a nightmare.

The
news reached the cupbearer. He recollected the dream he had in prison and compared it to the king's dream, and, therefore Joseph came to mind. He ran to the king to tell him about Joseph, who was the only one capable to interpreting the dream. The cupbearer said : "He had asked me to remember him to you, but I forgot." The king sent the cupbearer to ask Joseph about the dream.

Joseph interpreted it to him: "There will be seven years of abundance. If the land is properly cultivated, there will be an excess of good harvest, more than the people will need. This should be stored. Thereafter, seven years of famine will follow, during which time the excess grain could be used."

He also advised that during the famine they should save some grain to be used for seed for the next harvest. Joseph then added; "After seven years of drought, there will be a year during which water will be plentiful. If the water is properly used, grapevines and olive trees will grow in abundance, providing plenty of grapes and olive oil."

The cupbearer
hurried back with the good news. The king was fascinated by Joseph's interpretation. Almighty Allah narrated this incident thus: And the king of Egypt said: "Verily, I saw in a dream seven fat cows, whom seven lean cows were devouring, and seven green ears of corn and seven others dry. O notables! Explain to me my dream if it be that you can interpret dreams."

Did Yusuf (pbuh) blame the cupbearer? No, he surely didn't.

After hardship comes ease
Its not all about what you feel, its about what you really are
 

eminbey

信得過…是我的名字
Narrated 'Aisha: (the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Apostle said, "No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn."
Sahih Bukhari 544

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials."
Sahih Bukhari 548

Narrated Kab: The Prophet said, "The example of a believer is that of a fresh tender plant, which the wind bends lt sometimes and some other time it makes it straight. And the example of a hypocrite is that of a pine tree which keeps straight till once it is uprooted suddenly.
Sahih Bukhari 546
 
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