Advice on living together with husbands mother

[strive-may-i]

:salam2:

Firstly, sorry incase am being seen as interfering. I just tossed around the question with folks around, and the thread too has got some very weighted thoughts. And I would like to say this, Guys mother should not become, a trouble seed, it should not get watered and become a deep rooted problem. Towards that end, to me it appears you want to move... And hence you are seeking a solution outlet. May Almighty bring calmness and clarity in your family thought, make your married life pleasant and harmonious .... Ameen

Which of below, concerns you more [one or all three?] ...
-- She lives with your family for ever, is that the problem?
-- He did not take you to confidence, so you are upset?
-- You/daughter needed time to feel comfortable and settle in this marriage, but you see more problems / pressure on your emotional state??

Next
-- Where is he from, where is his mother right now??
-- Whats his compulsion, have you tried to get an answer?
-- How did your marriage happen. Does it have their family approval? how is your husbands nature? does he listen? [u need not answer this incase its too personal, or you could message answer to one of ummah/female you are comfortable with.]

 

[esperanza]

:salam2:

Firstly, sorry incase am being seen as interfering. I just tossed around the question with folks around, and the thread too has got some very weighted thoughts. And I would like to say this, Guys mother should not become, a trouble seed, it should not get watered and become a deep rooted problem. Towards that end, to me it appears you want to move... And hence you are seeking a solution outlet. May Almighty bring calmness and clarity in your family thought, make your married life pleasant and harmonious .... Ameen

Which of below, concerns you more [one or all three?] ...
-- She lives with your family for ever, is that the problem?
-- He did not take you to confidence, so you are upset?
-- You/daughter needed time to feel comfortable and settle in this marriage, but you see more problems / pressure on your emotional state??

Next
-- Where is he from, where is his mother right now??
-- Whats his compulsion, have you tried to get an answer?
-- How did your marriage happen. Does it have their family approval? how is your husbands nature? does he listen? [u need not answer this incase its too personal, or you could message answer to one of ummah/female you are comfortable with.]

yes its kind of hard for people to answer ,without knowing the whole situation
but really you need to be able to talk wiht your husband he needs to hear your feelings asnd you need to approach this together,,inshalla

 

[esperanza]

Of course not a debate, but a discussion . Yes I made the decision to be a muslim and Allah (swt) accepted this,allhamdulillah! but I am a Swedish muslim, not an arab, not an african. Allah sent his religion to all people... For us to follow the Quran and the Sunnah. Not all cultural behavior, that has no roll over Islam. So therefore, one has to seperate cultural behavior from religion, wich I have understood is more difficult for "longtime" muslims than it is for new muslims.

And I think we can all agree the issue is not about no one is caring for My husbands mother. Because we all must take care of our parents when they get old as they tooked care of us. Although, this is not the problem.
And just to be clear, My mother in law she does not even know he is planning this. My husband is "forcing" this.

I hope I did not offended you, I just have to point that an opinion must be based upon Islam and not ones cultural bagage.
In fact I have changed very much in my and My daughters life by bringing Islam into it, in a good way!
And also I am a little worried that so many muslim sisters think that they should just obey her husband, please him and thats it. Of course this is in the Quran, but it is not that simple. It must be from both sides, not just the woman. A woman and a man need eachother, so therefore the man has to consider a Womans opinion very carefully and discuss with her before making a decision she disagree with. Allah (swt) did not gave the autorithy to men for them to act like he owns the woman, because no man can own anyone besides Allah.

I hope I have not offended anyone, in that case I sincerally apologize.




I really hope you

your right it should be something between husband and iwfe,where all decisions are talked about toghether,,,wishung everything well for you

 

[I.Iman]

:salam2:

Firstly, sorry incase am being seen as interfering. I just tossed around the question with folks around, and the thread too has got some very weighted thoughts. And I would like to say this, Guys mother should not become, a trouble seed, it should not get watered and become a deep rooted problem. Towards that end, to me it appears you want to move...
-No I do not want to move, and this is My appartment so I should not have to move at all. And hence you are seeking a solution outlet.
-Yes of course, after discussions with my husband I have come to realize when it comes to his mother, never say NO -first - discuss it later and then say what you think is wrong. He also understand me, this was a chock to me, we have never discussed this.
May Almighty bring calmness and clarity in your family thought, make your married life pleasant and harmonious .... Ameen

Which of below, concerns you more [one or all three?] ...
-- She lives with your family for ever, is that the problem?
-- He did not take you to confidence, so you are upset?
-- You/daughter needed time to feel comfortable and settle in this marriage, but you see more problems / pressure on your emotional state??

- ALL 3 of them. First he did not even Mentioned it, and did not let this thing come naturaly. He droped this over me from nowhere.

Next
-- Where is he from, where is his mother right now??
-- Whats his compulsion, have you tried to get an answer?
-- How did your marriage happen. Does it have their family approval? how is your husbands nature? does he listen? [u need not answer this incase its too personal, or you could message answer to one of ummah/female you are comfortable with.]

- My husband is from Palestine, but he's family are living in a country near Palestine. Me and My husband lives in Sweden. Here is were we met. As a non muslim couple, this was before I became a muslim and he did not practise Islam. Alhamdulillah we are now both trying to be good muslims. So no, he did not ask for anyones approval. He wants his mother to come over so he can be near her. I understand this, totally! But she can be near as well living next to us. My point is
- first you discuss this (My husband now Alhamdulillah understands this)
- second I do not think it is a good solution having his mother so "close" to us for a very long time, inshAllah she have a long life. If she is in need, there would not even be this discussion. But to move in for good with ones children without need, affects everyday life. Not saying it would all be bad, no. But you have to ask, is this really idealistic since there would be no privacy and personal life at all in this family. I am not rakning about a big house, but à small appartment.

I have been told growing up to respect and honor elderly (even my grandparents) is a duty. My mother comes from a very big family (10 brothers and sisters and all of them have lots of children and grandchildren). Big familys are not so usual in Sweden anymore. I did not go to kindergarden when I were a child. I stayed with My grandmother every day my mother went to work. The idea of taking care of elderly, especially parents is unfortunately rare today. (in this country). But I am still among the last generations were this is fundamental and normal. This is what you should do. And not so long ago generations lived together in Sweden. Children, parents, grandparents, grandparents parent ( if there were any) and grandchildren. So it is wrong to say this is cultural for Sweden, cultural excists in many different forms. The fact women had to go out to work changed this idea of a family. This formed a new culture. The society has a culture, or family has a culture, There is a culture in My husbands country etc. So let's say the Quran is a book of Allahs (swt) Word for us to follow if we fear Allah, and the prophet (saws) was his messenger, therefore we must follow his Sunnah. Because it is not in the Quran, does not mean we should not let our mother in permanently. This Allah (swt) has Already placed in us to feel is what we must do. We take care of eachother. This is how family survive.
Although now I feel I have Written to much, I just needed to clarify that I think it is right My husbands mother coming over, but not to stay permanently at this moment. This is not specific swedish cultural behavior from My side, as I explained from above. This is what I truly belive is for the best now, at this moment for My family.

And also, I must thank you sisters and brothers, for taking time to help me "sort" this situation for the best. I have also learn very much from hearing opinions in this matter. May Allah (swt) Listened to everyone of your prayers.

I can, Alhamdulillah, ( and thanks to all of your thaughts) now say; this situation is solwed Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah
My husband Said (after turning islam inside out) he apologize for not taken me in to this decision. He Said we of course must discuss how to solw a situation like this that affect everyone in our family. And after very much thinking I guess, he think it is not such a good idea that his mother stay Next to our room. He explained that when he says the Word mother no wife should say the Word No, even if she is right. She should say Yes regarding his mother, then discuss. He was thinking a lot of his mother and therefore weren't thinking realistic. But dreaming his mother to be close because he miss her and love her. Now after we talked it made me miss her ( I have never met her) and feel we need to be closer to her. Haha cannot help wondering what Allah have in mind for us! Ramadhan and all.. Alhamdulillah. Talking to My husband today was like talking to another person, I don't know what happened, but Alhamdulillah.

Salam :tti_sister:

 

[I.Iman]

I am not thinking about a big house but a small apartment is the meaning at the top of My last message as it should be.
(spellingprogram at the phone change some words)

 

[JenGiove]

:salam2:

Got to love that auto-correct...lol! Mashallah that you were able to discuss it with your husband and that he was open to seeing the situation from your point of view and that he understood your feelings. That is truly what a good marriage is based on, faith, trust and communication.

We all need to keep in mind that the good sister was not saying "no" to her mother-in-law coming to live with them. She was only saying "no" in this moment. That is the most important distinction. Right now, there is a need for her and her husband to develop a strong marital bond that can survive problems. They need to develop an intrinsic understanding of each other and to develop that "blind trust" that no matter what, they will be there for each other, good or bad. Alhamdulilah! Her husband now sees this to be a wise course of action.

Be well and enjoy the honeymoon of marriage.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Alhumdullila, that he talked to you.

Islam gives women rights. It would be good if you take the time to learn and understand your rights. You can teach him, too.

 

[esperanza]

- My husband is from Palestine, but he's family are living in a country near Palestine. Me and My husband lives in Sweden. Here is were we met. As a non muslim couple, this was before I became a muslim and he did not practise Islam. Alhamdulillah we are now both trying to be good muslims. So no, he did not ask for anyones approval. He wants his mother to come over so he can be near her. I understand this, totally! But she can be near as well living next to us. My point is
- first you discuss this (My husband now Alhamdulillah understands this)
- second I do not think it is a good solution having his mother so "close" to us for a very long time, inshAllah she have a long life. If she is in need, there would not even be this discussion. But to move in for good with ones children without need, affects everyday life. Not saying it would all be bad, no. But you have to ask, is this really idealistic since there would be no privacy and personal life at all in this family. I am not rakning about a big house, but à small appartment.

I have been told growing up to respect and honor elderly (even my grandparents) is a duty. My mother comes from a very big family (10 brothers and sisters and all of them have lots of children and grandchildren). Big familys are not so usual in Sweden anymore. I did not go to kindergarden when I were a child. I stayed with My grandmother every day my mother went to work. The idea of taking care of elderly, especially parents is unfortunately rare today. (in this country). But I am still among the last generations were this is fundamental and normal. This is what you should do. And not so long ago generations lived together in Sweden. Children, parents, grandparents, grandparents parent ( if there were any) and grandchildren. So it is wrong to say this is cultural for Sweden, cultural excists in many different forms. The fact women had to go out to work changed this idea of a family. This formed a new culture. The society has a culture, or family has a culture, There is a culture in My husbands country etc. So let's say the Quran is a book of Allahs (swt) Word for us to follow if we fear Allah, and the prophet (saws) was his messenger, therefore we must follow his Sunnah. Because it is not in the Quran, does not mean we should not let our mother in permanently. This Allah (swt) has Already placed in us to feel is what we must do. We take care of eachother. This is how family survive.
Although now I feel I have Written to much, I just needed to clarify that I think it is right My husbands mother coming over, but not to stay permanently at this moment. This is not specific swedish cultural behavior from My side, as I explained from above. This is what I truly belive is for the best now, at this moment for My family.

And also, I must thank you sisters and brothers, for taking time to help me "sort" this situation for the best. I have also learn very much from hearing opinions in this matter. May Allah (swt) Listened to everyone of your prayers.

I can, Alhamdulillah, ( and thanks to all of your thaughts) now say; this situation is solwed Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah
My husband Said (after turning islam inside out) he apologize for not taken me in to this decision. He Said we of course must discuss how to solw a situation like this that affect everyone in our family. And after very much thinking I guess, he think it is not such a good idea that his mother stay Next to our room. He explained that when he says the Word mother no wife should say the Word No, even if she is right. She should say Yes regarding his mother, then discuss. He was thinking a lot of his mother and therefore weren't thinking realistic. But dreaming his mother to be close because he miss her and love her. Now after we talked it made me miss her ( I have never met her) and feel we need to be closer to her. Haha cannot help wondering what Allah have in mind for us! Ramadhan and all.. Alhamdulillah. Talking to My husband today was like talking to another person, I don't know what happened, but Alhamdulillah.

Salam :tti_sister:

al hamdillullah you were able to discuss this and talk about this together and he can understand your feelings,,,so important in marriage,,,,of course he misses her ,and for arab men the mother is so so dear to them,...i hope you can resolve this in the best way and wish you a happy succeesful marriage and may Allah help you both to be the best muslims you can

 

[I.Iman]

Mashallah mashallah

Yes Allah hear our prayers! Alhamdulillah

And I must say, nowere else have I seen and felt such warmt and friendship (sister and brothers) as in Islam!
When I found Islam it was like coming home - you have a big smile on your face, and you feel all the love in your heart after missing your family for a long time!

Salam, enjoy rest of this holy month and remember pray to Allah (swt)! Alhamdulillah there is only 3 ours left to dinner here (fasting in Sweden is only 18 hours now

 

[esperanza]

Mashallah mashallah

Yes Allah hear our prayers! Alhamdulillah

And I must say, nowere else have I seen and felt such warmt and friendship (sister and brothers) as in Islam!
When I found Islam it was like coming home - you have a big smile on your face, and you feel all the love in your heart after missing your family for a long time!

Salam, enjoy rest of this holy month and remember pray to Allah (swt)! Alhamdulillah there is only 3 ours left to dinner here (fasting in Sweden is only 18 hours now

yes your right,,,and this place is also very welcoming,,,,you too sister,may the last days of ramadan be full of blessings for you

 

[strive-may-i]

Get stronger in bond, mutual trust, deeper in faith

:salam2:

Firstly congrats to you both and Ramlaan greetings from another part of world
. Glad you steered your ship well , Almightys grace . Now thats one good relationship, you have come to know his soft corners now! This should help you both know each other better. Stick on now to that new found emotional connect, to that soothing mutual trust, to that communication bridge, to that new found depth in Islamic faith....

Guess every relationship [parent-child, siblings, friends, spouses , oh even enemies, its not good to keep enemity i agree!] has something new to discover at each stage about the other person!! . Sometimes its good to have difference in opinion. When the intention is good, it always bring about positive changes!!
Let me quote Rumi again --"If You Are Irritated By Every Rub, How Will You Be Polished?"

And yes you are welcome here. You could help us and many others too in matters of life and death.

 

[strive-may-i]

parents after marriage, the parent child bond...

:salam2:

In Sweden and Scandinavian culture, where most of humans cherished ideals like marriage, religion has taken beating, its glad to hear from you, you are exception, indeed!
(Scandinavians are industrious no doubt, the society seems to take care of the basic food , shelter, education needs of a person.. Most dont open up easily i guess, but are helpful.)

And incase his mother is very old, then she might not be able to stand the extreme cold and also the rather cold attitude to outsiders, she might not like the alien culture. But incase she wishes to be with her son, then well, this talk can come back, or it might be in back of his mind, and am sure you will know how to spot that out

Hope your daughter is excited about it all too!!

For general benefit:Let me just add, Most part of world, parents usually are with grown up-kids. Except for families in Urban pockets, rich households, which have tossed family out and around with tags like modern society, nuclear family. Usually as a person [male/female does not matter] matures, the value of parents becomes very evident. And in this age, where divorce is sought at drop of hat, its usually the parents who provide the support system!!
Take care!

 

[hayat84]

:salam2:
when I met my mother-in-law it was like if I knew her from always.I was delighted from her embrace and kindness.I never thought to separate my husband from his family and it would be wonderful if she lived with us.of course she should have her privacy in a personal space,but during the day it would be good if we shared the time together,because she's the woman who delivered my husband and she is most loved and respected from me,indipendentely from what Islam says,because a person with a good heart accepts with happiness the presence of her husband's mother.she's like a second mom for me