Dealing Islamically with this family situation?

[WannabeHijabi]

Some advice is appreciated here. This may be a long post. I should state my mother is a non-Muslim, an atheist to be exact and this is something which seems to be in part the problem.

A few nights ago, my mother and I got into an argument. We intended to go out together, for a meal and possibly go to the cinema or something too. She asked me to drive, which I didn't mind doing. That was until I found out WHY she'd been so keen to get me to drive- her intention was to get very drunk, and then I was being expected to ferry her home as a free taxi.

This wouldn't have been too much of a problem if it was a one-off incident but it isn't. My mother has the attitude that if she can't do as she pleases, it's bad. This goes for Islam in particular, which she has called 'disgusting' and how it 'treats women like rubbish', and these are just the things I can safely type here. But any attempt to control her behavior either by verbal or physical means does little good. One incident saw her attend a family wedding, only to again become drunk, act in a very stupid way and then again expect people to just put up with it. Similarly she is selfish in her refusal to stop smoking around my grandfather who last year had cancer treatment, as well as some other things.

The most annoying part is that she has then tried to get me to engage in the same haraam things.

I've so far tried to talk with her in a reasonable manner several times before, but this seems to do little good. I've even tried inviting her to read even a single surah of the Quran or come to Islamic class with me. All was refused. So what do I do?

 

[Shak78]

I would explain you would like to spend time with her as she is your mom but you can not be around her when she drinks, get drunk ect. Its not fun for you not to mention it goes against your religion. Until she realizes you won't hang out with her if she won't change her ways.

 

[strive-may-i]

Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,

Your situation is more complicated, than others. I would say wait for more experienced sisters responses. May Allah bring harmony in relationship between you and your mother... Ameen

Dont engage your mother, in heated arguments. You might have to show patience and apply tact, reasoning. Covey clearly what you would never do and why. Your mother might be doing it to annoy you, for all we know. People sometimes react, in an unreasonable manner. With time, sense finally sinks in, in the sensible ones.


On 'Freedom, Social norms and societal rules', here is an excellent response:

Although women in the West are allowed to dress as they like, they do not have absolute freedom in doing so to the point that they may walk around topless or bottomless. However, wearing just a bra-like garment with a tight mini-skirt is completely acceptable in many parts of Western society. One wonders how this distinction is made, what mankind’s reference point in doing so should be, and who decides why exposing these private parts completely is a criminal offence, yet covering them slightly is a sign of liberation for women.

Beyond the obvious contradictions that arise from human moral legislation, it can be understood that Westerners and practicing Muslims can agree upon one thing in this case. One of the reasons why people do not accept that a woman can simply walk around naked is that it infringes on other people’s rights. There is a traditional Arabic saying, which states, “Your freedom ends when the freedom of others begins.” What this essentially means is that an individual’s freedom must be halted as soon as it starts to infringe on someone else’s freedom. For that reason, Westerners feel offended if they are forced to view somebody else’s private parts in a public place, just as practicing Muslims feel offended if they are forced to see someone who is scantily clad.

Hence, Muslims and Westerners both agree that freedom has its bounds, but one group holds that mankind has the right to decide in this matter, as according to them, they are free to do whatever they choose. The other side contradicts this belief, holding that the Creator is most acquainted with what is good for His creation, and that He alone has the right to decide what goes on within His dominion. Only one of these two positions can be correct.

The principle that people’s freedom should be checked if it infringes on the rights of others can be observed in practice in many facets of Western society. For example, relatively new legislation has been passed in the West that curtails people’s rights to smoke in public places, as this compels non-smokers to smoke, and thus infringes on other’s freedoms. As a result, it is rightfully understood that this freedom must be eliminated.

Likewise, human legislation legitimately bans prostitution, as this form of sex for money has, for the meantime, been deemed immoral. Prostitution is also considered detrimental to the lives of the young women who partake in this trade. At the same time, sex for money is considered legal and acceptable, so long as it is being made into a movie for others to see. This incredible contradiction exists because banning ****ography would be interpreted by contemporary minds as being an infringement of freedom and personal expression.

Liberalist ideologies hold that mankind can be left to figure out what is best for itself. However, disturbing contradictions start to appear when these ideologies are implemented. For example, moral values come into mode for a certain amount of time, and then years later, these same moral values which were held to be sacred and correct before, are suddenly overturned and deemed flawed. This necessitates that the particular value system that was originally created by this group was faulty, and that they were living by and believing in something that was incorrect to begin with.

Conversely, these same people will say that something is wrong and immoral one year, and then a decade later, they will deem it to be something that everyone must accept as being good and progressive. New legislation is drawn up, and democratically elected politicians rush to bend to the latest social trend, as if they believe wholeheartedly in it; all of this based solely upon the latest opinion polls.

A prime example of this would be the recent changes many societies have taken to accept gay rights. A few decades ago, homosexuality was considered a disorder, whereas now, anyone who holds this view is considered to be suffering from a disorder called homophobia. This new classification puts such an individual in the same category as racists.

At the same time, many of these people who have recently changed their opinions are still hesitant to allow homosexuals the right to legally marry. Is this not from the infringement of peoples’ freedom?
(Sacred Freedom, pp. 53-54, 57) Haneef James Oliver

 

[WannabeHijabi]

Thank you to you both!

 

[Tabassum07]

:salam2:

Sister, you've got to take care of your religion. Try your utmost not to be involved in these haram actions which your mother wants you to be. It's difficult, but you'll have to set some rules straight that you will not like driving her when she wants to go drinking. She'll take it very badly the first 10 times it happens, but after that hopefully, she'll get the message. Stand steadfast in your religion as your mother stands steadfast in opposing it.

I hope someone can help out further with this.

 

[WannabeHijabi]

:salam2:

Sister, you've got to take care of your religion. Try your utmost not to be involved in these haram actions which your mother wants you to be. It's difficult, but you'll have to set some rules straight that you will not like driving her when she wants to go drinking. She'll take it very badly the first 10 times it happens, but after that hopefully, she'll get the message. Stand steadfast in your religion as your mother stands steadfast in opposing it.

I hope someone can help out further with this.

I think this is something that is rapidly becoming my only option, hard as it is. I have an example in the Prophet who continued to believe and practice his faith even when others verbally and physically abused him, and even tried to take his life.

Hopefully in doing as you say here, my mother and family will realise that I'm my own person with my own beliefs, but also at the same time there are things which we CAN share together.

 

[strive-may-i]

I think this is something that is rapidly becoming my only option, hard as it is. I have an example in the Prophet who continued to believe and practice his faith even when others verbally and physically abused him, and even tried to take his life.

Hopefully in doing as you say here, my mother and family will realise that I'm my own person with my own beliefs, but also at the same time there are things which we CAN share together.

Simple, sister. You have the best guide. May you (and we) feel the difference, like countless others, by following Prophet sunnah. And hopefully, your family, friends will benefit , in turn ... InshaAllah.. Ameen

 

[strive-may-i]

From a bumped thread...

The video is from History Channel documentary about Kings of Mesopotamia. Even the kuffar give Saad Bin Abi Waqqas and the muslims credit for their courage for facing the Persian Army of 120,000 which included a battalion of War elephants. Ignore the bits after the battle of Qaddisiyyah about the sunni shia schism for its very summarized version that cannot explain the truth in 4 sentences.
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He is short and well-built and has a very heavy crop of hair. People compare him to a young lion. He comes from a rich and noble family. He is very attached to his parents and is particul arly fond of his mother. He spends much of his time making and repairing bows and arrows and practising archery as if preparing himself for some great encounter. People recognize him as a serious and intelligent young man. He finds no satisfaction in the religion and way of life of his people, their corrupt beliefs and disagreeable practices. His name is Sad ibn Abi Waqqas.

One morning at about this time in his life the genial Abu Bakr came up and spoke softly to him. He explained that Muhammad ibn Abdullah the son of his late cousin Aminah bint Wahb had been given Revelations and sent with the religion of guidance and truth . Abu Bakr then took him to Muhammad in one of the valleys of Makkah. It was late afternoon by this time and the Prophet had just prayed Salat al-Asr. Sad was excited and overwhelmed and responded readily to the invitation to truth and the religion of One God. The fact that he was one of the first persons to accept Islam was something that pleased him greatly.

The Prophet, peace be on him, was also greatly pleased when Sad became a Muslim. He saw in him signs of excellence. The fact that he was still in his youth promised great things to come. It was as if this glowing crescent would become a shining full moon before long. Perhaps other young people of Makkah would follow his example, including some of his relations. For Sad ibn Abi Waqqas was in fact a maternal uncle of the Prophet since he belonged to the Bani Zuhrah, the clan of Aminah bint Wahb, the mother of the Prophet, peace be upon him. For this reason he is sometimes referred to as Sad of Zuhrah, to distinguish him from several others whose first name was Sad.

The Prophet is reported to have been pleased with his family relationship to Sad. Once as he was sitting with his companions, he saw Sad approaching and he said to them: "This is my maternal uncle. Let a man see his maternal uncle!"

While the Prophet was delighted with Sad's acceptance of Islam, others including and especially his mother were not. Sad relates: "When my mother heard the news of my Islam, she flew into a rage. She came up to me and said:

"O Sad! What is this religion that you have embraced which has taken you away from the religion of your mother and father...? By God, either you forsake your new religion or I would not eat or drink until I die. Your heart would be broken with grief for m e and remorse would consume you on account of the deed which you have done and people would censure you forever more.'

'Don't do (such a thing), my mother,' I said, 'for I would not give up my religion for anything.'

However, she went on with her threat... For days she neither ate nor drank. She became emaciated and weak. Hour after hour, I went to her asking whether I should bring her some food or something to drink but she persistently refused, insisting that she wo uld neither eat nor drink until she died or I abandoned my religion. I said to her:

'Yaa Ummaah! In spite of my strong love for you, my love for God and His Messenger is indeed stronger. By God, if you had a thousand souls and one soul after another were to depart, I would not abandon this my religion for anything.' When she saw that I w as determined she relented unwillingly and ate and drank."

It was concerning Sad's relationship with his mother and her attempt to force him to recant his faith that the words of the Quran were revealed: "And we enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents. In pain upon pain did his mother bear him and his weaning took two years. So show gratitude to Me and to your parents. To Me is the final destiny.

"But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not. Yet bear them company in this life with justice and consideration and follow the way of those who turn to Me. In the end, the return of you all i s to Me and I shall tell you (the truth and meaning of) all that you used to do." (Surah Luqman, 31: 14-15).

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