important Question

[LoveofAllah]

I'm a 21 year old sister and have recently started practicing Islam.
It took me alot to be at a stage where I have established my prayers and read quran. I am very proud of myself. I met this brother in in the fall of 2008, he was a great motivation for me to become a better muslim. I have developped feelings with him.

I am not sure if he has feelings for me as he is a friendly person. He once told me alot of sisters think he likes them because he smiles alot and is very friendly.

I have gotten to know him and I know he does not have wrong intentions. It is true, he does smile and is friendly. He makes alot of jokes. I can give specific situations of how he treats me that lead me to think he has feelings for me. But i am afraid that i am being just another one of those girls who assume he likes them.

I love him and want to marry him. I'm not sure if he knows that i have feelings for him. I usually cook for him and bring him food. I thought it would be an indication that i do love him alot. However he hasnt approached the situation.

At times we are both alone. I am the librarian at the islamic library and sometimes we are there alone. We dont do anything haram. We used to talk on the phone and text alot but that has stopped. I'm afraid if i dont stop being alone with him even if its for 5 minutes allah will not bless me and He will not make this successful.

InshaAllah i have promised myself to avoid him as much as I can and not be alone with him at all.


I dont know what to do. I dont know if is hould just stop talking to him. Or talk to him? Or talk to someone else. I know i want to marry him.
I dont want to involve other people. I dont want to lose him. He has been my motivation to be a better muslim and i love him so dearly. It hurts when i think of losing him. But im so scared to tell him.
I dont know what to do.

 

[LoveofAllah]

i want to do things according to what Allah has said. I dont want to earn Allahs anger. I only want to earn his love. I'm struggling alot.

 

[Al-Kashmiri]

As-salaamu `alaykum.

It's good that you are trying to earn Allaah's love by staying away. Would it not be practical to speak to your parents and see how they respond. Tell them you wish to marry and see where they stand? Of course, that depends on whether they're Muslim or not.

Was-salaam

 

[shaheeda35]

:salam2:
I agree, talk with the parents and if that does not work, you can go to your local masjid and see if you can get a wali to speak to him on your behalf inshallah. I pray this works out for you dear sister.

 

[Mabsoot]

Assalamu alaykum,

You must be careful and know that to be alone with someone of opposite gender is haram, it is called Khalwa in Islam. Also, the advice given about speaking to him direct is not good, as you should not be proposing to him, let alone speaking to him in private. Sister Shaheeda is right about using your wali.

A real Muslim gentleman would be careful and not hurt his sister's feelings. You might feel he is the right person, but, Allah is the One who knows best.

We can all make mistakes, and often times can be difficult such as this. You should leave things to Allah, seek refuge in Him from evil and do your best to stick to the Quran and Sunnah.

It is important to have patience and to keep learning and practicing Islam as purely as you can. We should always ask Allah for guidance.

With time and having more time practicing Islam, perhaps evenyou will see how this man wasnt really what you initially thought.

I think that a Muslim girl should rather want a modest man, who spends his time in a Library with Islamic books, memorising, learning and teaching and not behaving in the way he does. I do not want sound judgemental, but, perhaps it is fine in the West, but in Muslim society, this sort of behaviour is frowned upon and is haram. There are limits to friendliness and friendship.

Those are put in place by Allah for a reason. Shaitan can cover that "reasoning" up, by clouding our minds with what we think is "love", when it is not really.

Real Love is always something that is based upon a real foundation. So, think carefully about that.

assalamu alaykum

 

[fada_all]

salam alikom

dear sister i understand ur situation but i don't want u to be weak to the extent u tell him what u feel towards him because if he refuses u it then it will be a great shock for u, and also to be alone with him is forbidden in islam as u know sister...................so u seek help from allah swt that he shows u the truth, why didn't u do 'doua'a istikhara' it will be beneficial for u believe me i konw a lot have the same problem and this was their real and unique sollution ..don't hesitate sister. insha allah things will be better for u in the future...


ur sis khadija

 

[hasinah]

assalamu alaikum sis how are u? hope ur well inshaAllah...why dont u try going through other people to send a proposal? say u asked an elder or approachable member in ur family to look into it for u, rather than u speaking to him urself? that way its kept as halaal as it can get, and u wont feel embarassed or scared as to what his answer is, because it would probably be done through istikhaarah (which u should consider performing for urself too to seek guidance/sense of direction inshaAllah), and it would save u having to approach him directly, rather it would be wiser to go through say ur father/brother or someone close that can help u out in this situation? and if it is a no in the end, khair atleast u tried in the most halaal way possible- keeping ur face at the same time because u didnt personally approach him.
consider his piety, financial stability, background/lineage and looks and be sure that it matches ur criteria for ur potential husband. make dua too, but i must stress that u go through the right channels to approach this matter, and perform istikhaarah inshaAllah. also please refrain from contacting him..because if it doesnt happen it will hurt u more as ull think abt it all, so if theres less happening, theres less for u to feel hurt/think about lol u get me.and whichever decision Allah shows you, stick with it and be firm in it!
hope this helps inshaAllah tc wa'assalam.

 

[LoveofAllah]

MashAllah, you all have helped me ALOT. JazakAllah khair. I'm so greatful to you all. I dont think approaching my parents is right since the brother is from a different culture than myself. I would want him to agree before i get my parents involved.

I dont feel okay with sending someone to approach him. There are already alot of sisters who do that and i am not one of those sisters.

I have only one solution. I want to write a letter to him stating that i only want to continue talking to him to only get to know him for the sake of marriage in a halal way. And if he is not interested in marriage then we should not continue talking so openly and freely. It may be normal for him but it is not normal for me. allahu allam.

Is writing a letter okay?

 

[LoveofAllah]

Assalamu alaykum,

You must be careful and know that to be alone with someone of opposite gender is haram, it is called Khalwa in Islam. Also, the advice given about speaking to him direct is not good, as you should not be proposing to him, let alone speaking to him in private. Sister Shaheeda is right about using your wali.

A real Muslim gentleman would be careful and not hurt his sister's feelings. You might feel he is the right person, but, Allah is the One who knows best.

We can all make mistakes, and often times can be difficult such as this. You should leave things to Allah, seek refuge in Him from evil and do your best to stick to the Quran and Sunnah.

It is important to have patience and to keep learning and practicing Islam as purely as you can. We should always ask Allah for guidance.

With time and having more time practicing Islam, perhaps evenyou will see how this man wasnt really what you initially thought.

I think that a Muslim girl should rather want a modest man, who spends his time in a Library with Islamic books, memorising, learning and teaching and not behaving in the way he does. I do not want sound judgemental, but, perhaps it is fine in the West, but in Muslim society, this sort of behaviour is frowned upon and is haram. There are limits to friendliness and friendship.

Those are put in place by Allah for a reason. Shaitan can cover that "reasoning" up, by clouding our minds with what we think is "love", when it is not really.

Real Love is always something that is based upon a real foundation. So, think carefully about that.

assalamu alaykum

thank you for that. I'm beginning to really question everything critically. May allah bless you

 

[LoveofAllah]

i also understand, form what you have all stressed, that frienship has its limit and perhaps he isnt behaving properly. but i am also to blame. We both have faults and I am not looking for a perfect husband.

I love him because he has brought me closer to Allah and even though we talk freely, I always learn from his good dealings with others and his kind character. I have faults and as does he. But inshaAllah it can be worked on together with eachothers help and support. I cannot stop loving him for his faults because someone can do that to me.

I want to grow with him as a better muslim and an ethical person. I want him to know all this.

 

[Hard Rock Moslem]

Allow me to say something sister and my sincere apology if it doesn't work or I misguided you. As a muslima, firstly you still have to take care your limit when you are with him. There is nothing wrong for you to express your feelings to him and you may also propose marriage to him, Kadijah (r.a.h) did the same thing to the Prophet (saw). Go ahead but before that you may want to perform solat istikarah and ask for Allah's guidance. InshAllah, all the best to you.

 

[Qur'an&Sunnah]

:salam2:

Insha'Allah try to see if you love him fi sabillilah (for the sake of Allah) meaning like if he will benefit you in your Islam, and bring you to what it right instead of what is wrong. Mabsoot said it perfectly Masha'Allah. Because you can love someone because that is your desire, but that person will not benefit you in Islam and lead you to do good things, therefore you should try to love someone because of their character and in the way of Allah (SWT). And remember make Salatul Istikhara, that always help Insha'Allah I have helped you.

Oh and another thing, it is better to use a wali then to write him a letter. Why? Well because you want to get married the right way, the way of Allah and doing anything wrong only allows Shaytaan to 'play'. And one thing my father said that is so true, Shaytaan has been doing this from the time Adam (as) was created until now, so he is very experienced therefore you want to stick to Allah and be very careful of what you do. And if you use your wali and he does not want to marry you, then it was the Qadr of Allah, but at least you can sleep knowing that you did the right thing and pleased Allah rather finding a loop hole. And Insha'Allah may Allah grant you with someone better than him if you cannot marry him, and May Allah help you be happy, Ameen.

:salam2:

 

[LoveofAllah]

Wow, subhanAllah
I'm realizing all the wrong i have been doing.
Maybe i havent placed my trust in Allah enough.
I do love him for the sake of Allah. He motivates me to be a better muslim and the time i have been around him, i have become a better muslim.

Perhaps i should not make any decisions and do istikhara and stop doing all haram (being alone with him)

I did istikhara before and i saw a dream that people were noticing that he and i were always together and then him and i hugged and he was being supportive.

I saw this dream after fajr. I dont want to be superstitious. But that same day i was giving him food and i was planning on leaving but he invited me to the library to give me one of my other containers. and we were alone.

I dont know if thats Allahs way of telling me that i shouldnt be alone with him. because im feeling that i shouldnt. and i am also afraid of people starting rumors.

Am i on the right track? i feel so confused.

 

[LoveofAllah]

I just want Allah to show me what to do. I dont know what Allah knows. He has all knowledge. How can I make any actions not knowing what will come tomorrow?

Allah is testing me and im struggling alot. I dont know how to deal with all the ideas i keep getting. I hate that shaitan keeps putting things inmy head. I feel so frustrated. Even when i pray, my mind starts to wander off and i try and try and try to concentrate and sometimes i lose track inmy prayer. and i get so angry at shaitan. i get so frustrated with him and i ask allah to just help me.

I just want to know what to do. I hate shaitan. He makes me so angry.

 

[LoveofAllah]

stupid shaitan.

 

[Qur'an&Sunnah]

:salam2:

Hey kid I know how you feel. I think most people been in your situation before including me, you just have to have patience and remember Allah much, and protect yourself from shaytaan even if you want to do something haraam turn away and say I rather please Allah than myself. I mean Subhana'Allah the Istikhara seemed to work out for you. I mean you said you've done it and you had this dream, it seems to be good. But yeah don't be alone with him anymore. I'm telling you it's no good, and it's not worth it. In Surah Al-Inshirah, Chapter 94, Ayah 5: Allah (SWT) says, "Surely with difficulty is ease". So Insha'Allah hang in there and do not let shaytaan win, and by Allah there will be ease in the end. May Allah grant you with an abundance of patience and protect you from shaytaan. Ameen.

:salam2:

 

[The_truth]

stupid shaitan.

Asalaam wr wb sister, Please don't put yourself down! We all make mistakes in life but lets just put it down to being inexperienced and naive! The best thing to do is to sort the issue out as soon as possible and do the best you can do now and the future in making Allah as happy as possible now and the future! Remember why should we waste ANY time being depressed about any situation when we ONLY have such limited time on this earth? We don't know when were going to go and have we prepared for the hereafter? Is out good deed banks heavy? have they been invested in enough? So POSITIVE attitude now because life is too short to be depressed n plus we are all human and are made to make mistakes and be weak that is why we should turn to Allah and ask for forgiveness as much as we can and ask of him and do loads of dua!It is shaythan who wants to make you depressed so that you can carry on wasting time and he wants to confuse you and push you away from Allah and will you let him?
In regards to your issue:
Firstly sister can i just say there is no such thing as love before marrige because who is it that puts love in peoples hearts in the first place? It is Allah of course and Allah would NEVER put true love into the hearts of people who are not married! I know many people who have had relationships in their past and when they married they said to me that a person will ONLY feel true love once their married and you yourself will confirm this in the future!You care for him and lust for him but you do not truly love him!For the love before marrige is the love that shaythan puts in the hearts of the couple and that is lust!
Secondly sister Allah is guiding you because he sees something in you that he likes! This is something that should uplift you into trying to please him even more and more than EVER! He wants you to be closer to him! Is'nt that such a blessing? Allah only chooses certain people that he wants close to them and you are one of those lucky ones so striving to please him ONLY should be your number one priority!
Thirdly sister a man and a women can NEVER be friends only! Your case is just one of the examples but it is a fact even in Islam because Allah made a man and a women to be chemically attracted to each other! Meaning that the closer they get in freindship then the more lust will build and sin will occur! So there should be NO contact whatsoever with you and ANY male and this is best for you to save yourself from these sort of problems your having now and MANY people have the same problem because of the free mixing of sexes! When a man and a women who are not married are together then shaythan is the third person!Also if you have been regularly with him alone or talking to him a lot alone then what will people also think? They will enevitably have come up with assumptions! Allah just wants the best for us but we humans do not know what is best for us!
Fourthlysister if you are 100% sure in your heart after making much isthikhara(preferable to do it many times if one does not recieve dream or inclination) that he really is the one then it is best to make a proposal straight away! There is nothing in the shariah that prevents a women from proposing to a man but of course it is always better to get a middle person to propose on your behalf preferrably wali etc But if your not going to do it that way then since you already have his number in your phone i suggest you text him and tell him that you are going towards the deen now meaning that you are NOT going to be in touch with him any more and that you like to propose marrige and if he accepts then you involve family straight away but if he does not then you leave it at that and get on with your lives and if he truly is a good person he will NEVER contact you in anyway again!Because remember Allah knows best about EVERY aspect of our lives! Lets get the closest to him and make him the happiest! No more feeling down now because our time is the most precious thing that we can EVER have and we CANNOT waste a single second because we will regret every second we EVER wasted! So get this issue out of the way and whatever happens think that this is what Allah wanted and accept it and do the best you can in going towards Allah and the best way to do that is learn knowledge of Islam and act upon it! Jazakallah for reading! Allah Hafiz

Read this article about Women in Islamic Society — 33: When Looking for a Spouse

http://www.islamonline.com/news/newsfull.php?newid=27821

 

[islamisthesolution]

salaam 3lykum

Assalamu alaykum,

You must be careful and know that to be alone with someone of opposite gender is haram, it is called Khalwa in Islam. Also, the advice given about speaking to him direct is not good, as you should not be proposing to him, let alone speaking to him in private. Sister Shaheeda is right about using your wali.

A real Muslim gentleman would be careful and not hurt his sister's feelings. You might feel he is the right person, but, Allah is the One who knows best.

We can all make mistakes, and often times can be difficult such as this. You should leave things to Allah, seek refuge in Him from evil and do your best to stick to the Quran and Sunnah.

It is important to have patience and to keep learning and practicing Islam as purely as you can. We should always ask Allah for guidance.

With time and having more time practicing Islam, perhaps evenyou will see how this man wasnt really what you initially thought.

I think that a Muslim girl should rather want a modest man, who spends his time in a Library with Islamic books, memorising, learning and teaching and not behaving in the way he does. I do not want sound judgemental, but, perhaps it is fine in the West, but in Muslim society, this sort of behaviour is frowned upon and is haram. There are limits to friendliness and friendship.

Those are put in place by Allah for a reason. Shaitan can cover that "reasoning" up, by clouding our minds with what we think is "love", when it is not really.

Real Love is always something that is based upon a real foundation. So, think carefully about that.

assalamu alaykum

may Allah bless you my brother that is really beneficial hope you can learn sister from your brothers and sisters
jazaki Allahu khyran

 

[LoveofAllah]

JazakAllah khair to you all. I feel more informed with every post. I'm really blessed to be able to have so many people help me understand.

I have decided to stop talking to him and make sure not to be alone with him. InshaAllah, once I have stopped doing what Allah forbade and have done istikhara if I am still feeling inclined towards him then I will make the initiative to express my wishes. Until then I should concentrate on staying away from him.

I hope Allah blesses my decision and guides me because i am lost without Allahs guidance. May he bless you all for helping me realize so much.
I'm so thankful to you all.
Please make dua for me.

 

[muthmainnah]

Alhamdulillah that is so right right, sister just keep away from him, insha Allah soon or later you will forget him.
If you leave something for Allah sake then Allah will compensate it with a better one. Who knows someday he will propose you or maybe Allah will give you a man who is much much better than him for your husband . Amin