Marriage,what to do if there love no more?

[I.Iman]

Sorry sister. I come from a country of non belivers and have not have a non troubled life. Me also were a strong, independent woman. I converted, married a man from a totally different culture *phu* haha. But we have choosen this path -Islam- thanks to Allah swt, and to obey and honour your husband is not something we can choose, it is a command. As it is a command for your husband to be the best he can. But please, try not to think about what are your rights, think about what are your duties as a muslim wife? If everyone first think about what duties they may have and try to fullfil them, then I think most of our rights will come to us. Someone always have to take the first step, don't let it be him or wait for him to do. Fullfil your obligations in marriage and have faith in Allah swt! He will help you and make it easier! And if every effort is taken to not divorce one another, then no one will blame you for not being able to continue. But please listen sister, trust me, I to had my doughts in my own marriage - but finally I had to choose being that women I was before, or commit myself fully to Islam wich means give your husband his rights! It is not an easy thing if you are used to something other, but it can be done! We will make dua for you and may Allah swt make your way easier!

The pleasure of the husband is next to Allah, and the displeasure of the husband is - the displeasure of Allah.
Salam

 

[hayat84]

I was talking in general,I'm not involved in this trouble.I have been educated in a certain manner and marriage is for me a duty,not a game to stop playing when I'm tired.yes,I also have duties and rights,but in this situation I was thinking about a couple of our friends,who are married since 2007 and I believe that they are in crisis.he's muslim and she's not.from that situation I wrote this thread to receive any clarification about a delicate matter like marriage.Thanks a lot for your interest!

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Once again, In Islam concerning the marriage contract, and that is what marriage is in Islam, a contract, it has to be fulfilled.

Now..there are rules to follow. If the prescribed solutions do not work divorce is an option.

An ayat states: do not leave the spouse ( wife ) hanging. Allah will provide.

Love is a different issue. If the issue is strictly love we can discuss how to work on that.

Marriage between two different faiths is difficult. You have a believer married to a non-believer. From fajr to isha there are different principles at work. We can discuss that, too.

 

[Asja]

:salam2:

Dear sister what you said is right , but sometimes emotions are decieving . A woman may feel something then she may turn 100 percent another time. As long as your husband is a good muslem man you should love him for Allah subhanahu wa taala . Suppose a woman love a man and marry him and they have chidren, then after a while her emotions changed ,and she divorced and married other man and they have children ........after a while the same happen................. Houses are not build on emotions and the love they present in movies is unreal . Life is kind of test and big resposibility . We can make love and good life if we obey Allah subhanahu wa taala and his prophet salla Allah alaihi wa sallam, we can loose everything by following our whims. By the way i think your future husband is the most lucky inshaAllah.and Allah knows best.

Assalamu allaicum wa raahmatullah wa barakatuhu

Jazzak Allah khair my dear sister for your usefull advices and kind words. May Allah help us to be good wife to our husband, Inshallah.

Alhmadulillah dear sister I understand how family is importante and that in Islam we are thought always that wife should listen well her husband and this is not any hardship for us Alhamdulilah,and that in return husband should take care well of his wife,and they should try to build strong Muslim family with thier children,and try to stay away in every way of divorce as Allah does not love divorce and this is due to many reasosn Alhamdulilah, like ruining one family, seperating one parent of children and all wrong effects that divorce has one one society. And Allah know the best.

May Allah bless you once again dear sister for your advices, MashAllah. Ameen

 

[slaveofAllah88]

aslam o aliakum sister,

I just want to say something, love is a term often misused and has been exaggerated so much into the due and there is a lot of wrong thinking involved into it, but please do realize love is a emotion. And emotion go up and down, love is not something that just comes out of no where, its generated, and it will go up and down as well based on what your going through in life, your age group and everything. We are human being, you know we have to realize if such important thing like our imaan can fluctuate, ad we have to work hard to keep it constant then how can a emotion like love not go up and down thats human nature, and i really pray that Allah (swt) keep the happiness, love and tranquility in your marriage (ameen) but we also have to remember life is full of different things and you might not feel the same way about marriage that you felt in the beginning and you might feel like there is no love , but just look deep the true love is that Allah (swt) blessed you with a good person whos company you can enjoy

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. [30:21]

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

What a good response. Wow!!

Love...when its good we do not wish to leave its presence. Of all the objects of desire love is the one that is the gift to the eyes, first.

When the void is so immense and there is no light left in the relationship move on. But, keep in mind, the void is not a result of the marriage.

What I am saying is this simple: if you feel a void in your life it is not a void in someone else. You have to dig deep and discover what that void is. You have to change and adjust. This is a separate issue from marriage.

You can get divorced and discover that the void is still looming in the picture.

As to the issue of marital discord in an interfaith marriage it is natural. People do not take the time to think out what the difference will do. If she is Christian she will want Christmas. She will take the children to her family for Christmas dinner..how about New Year? What about Easter eggs? Most women who have not reverted are very uncomfortable around Muslim women. The children get a mixed message and are confused. They become rebellious because of the demands of Islam.

But we have several issues going on here.

 

[hayat84]

thank you for the anwers,they're really helpfull for me...I wish to be as wise as you,who really follow the right way without any disagreement.I remark that I'm not an "angel",I have my good and bad humour,but when I remember Allah,I feel good.in my past I suffered very much,but now that I'm an adult I found the response to my pain:maybe Allah was preparing me to this new life and it's why I need to love and to be loved.as I said,I'm like a child,but a child of 27 years old is not like one of 3!!Allah maybe gave me the chance to feel love as something that brings the shiver,that makes me see everything in a beautiful way.
but when in a couple,for many reasons there is the loss of the common points that in the past made 2 persons to be happy,is it allowed for the wife to ask for the divorce?is there any statement which demonstrates it?because on the other hand,if a husband "refuses"his wife,he can divorce from her and he can also marry to 3 other ones.......Where is the love?that love which Allah has given us?

 

[ShyHijabi]

:salam2:

I am surprised to read so many people think marriage in Islam is not about love. Look at Rasool's first marriage, he was deeply, deeply in love with Kadijah. When she died he became physically weak and depressed, his own daughter feared for his health because his grief was so deep. Then there is the fact that he died with his head lying in Aisha's lap...not a companions but his beloved wife. There are hadiths that instruct Muslims to marry if they are in love. So obviously love does have a place in Islamic marriages.

Now we need to differentiate between love for another Muslim versus the romantic notion of love. Loving your spouse means taking care of each other even when you want to throw a hard object at their head. It means sometimes holding your tongue when you want to scream your frustrations at them. It means sublimating your own desires for your mate's.

My grandparents were married 50 years until my grandmother passed away. They were deeply in love and had four children. My grandmother told me there were times when she wanted to smack her husband but she purposely thought about his good attributes. She said there will be times when you "fall out of love" but the trick was not to fall out of love at the same time as your spouse. You just hang in there during the ebb and flow. And we need to remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. If you are unhappy and your spouse is unaware then that is your fault because you are not communicating your discontent. There are humble and kind way to tell youor spouse you are unhappy. Don't use accusing words but rather frame the sentence by saying "I feel _____."

While women do have duties so do husbands. They have the greatest example, our Prophet, who managed to be attentive, compassionate and even helped clean around the house, play with the children as well as sew his own clothing and broken sandals. Our men could do well to imitate his Sunnah in this respect. Wives are not simply maids, cooks and childcare workers, they are the queens in Islam. Husbands need to remember there is a soul within that person they are married to and afford them the dignity due to every Muslim woman.

 

[hayat84]

sister Shyhijabi,thanks for the support!!I thought I was alone:ma:

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I do not recall reading anyone that said Islamic marriage was not about love.

The Islamic understanding is shy. It is shy love that is rarely discussed. We all know it; we are the progeny of it. We were raised on it. The silent and deep love.

This is a thread about divorce.

We are discussing divorce. Divorce is the end of marriage. We understood that Islam allows it. There are rules to be followed. It is no sin.

Marriage in Islam is a contract first. And it has to be honored. We are Muslims who have made a covenant with Allah. We must honor it. It is out of the love for Allah we honor the contract of marriage. Love as usual enters as Islam is her home.

 

[umm aisha1]

Asalamu alaikom waramatullah wabarakatuhu

Hello every one, i am not expert with marriage but i hope i can share the felling with u sister. i think is very hard to live with some one that u not love any more, but we much have to look as the word love, some time love is not always to be romantic but to share life together when life it easy and hardship come, i think a wife and husband should sit down and talk what is have been missing and what is wrong before thing are getting worse.i think we must go back to quran and sunna and make alot of dua and be patient. in this life is just like a dream i hope we can over come the hardship that surroud us and past ALLAH test to get to jannah, i belive so much hard in the life is mean ALLAH love that person and HAVE PREPARE the best place for that person in jannah, insha Allah, but ALLAH NEVER give some thing that person can not take, subha Allah

May Allah give more love and understanding in your marriage sister.Ameen

forgive me my English:shymuslima1: is terrible i hope u don't miss understand what i write here.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Your English is fine. You are saying the same things we all are. In Islam we make dua. We seek guidance from those with knowledge and those who serve us by being truthful. We do all that we can and if it is impossible than we are able to divorce, as a last recourse.

We all believe in marriage so we supplicate for the preservation of the holy bond.
We do not ostracize those that have had to divorce. We pray that Allah guides us at all times.

 

[MalikBrother]

Assalamu - Alaikum!

My family is planning to get me married, and this is not helping at all. LOL

This is very tricky situation. There is saying that the first thing will disappear after marriage get settled, is love, then rest is up to both partners alone, to carry the relationship, and to work on it together. Work on marriage issue together is main key. Discussion should be regular routine among both partners everyday. Go outside, and do something special once a while, and do something extraordinary to revive the relationship. That's what i have observed from most married partners. Allaahu Alim!

^ As what Sister Aapa said, exactly what we need to work on. Don't give up unless, the situation become complicated, and harder. It's equally responsible for both partners, and most important, Respect. Respect goes both ways, and should be encouraged between both partners no matter what. Respect is what get the relationship going, Insha'Allaah!

Insha'Allaah, my marriage will be blessings, as much as our brothers and sisters of this community here.

As Salaamu Alaykum!

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Oh..that makes me happy...more Muslim children running around, InshaAllah.

Today, I just found myself using the word Irresistible. It was if this was the first time I was introduced to it. Like a child I used it all day long.

And Love is Irresistible. In real love..it is so gentle..so delicate...kinda like sunflowers..you follow the sun and very shyly you recede...like the ocean at low tide...

In the recess of my mind I recall that warm gushy feeling..enough...

May Allah grant you all that mush and I will make dua that the ones who are sad get all that mush back..

I'll go and eat a chocolate kiss on that note.

 

[esperanza]

thank you for the anwers,they're really helpfull for me...I wish to be as wise as you,who really follow the right way without any disagreement.I remark that I'm not an "angel",I have my good and bad humour,but when I remember Allah,I feel good.in my past I suffered very much,but now that I'm an adult I found the response to my pain:maybe Allah was preparing me to this new life and it's why I need to love and to be loved.as I said,I'm like a child,but a child of 27 years old is not like one of 3!!Allah maybe gave me the chance to feel love as something that brings the shiver,that makes me see everything in a beautiful way.
but when in a couple,for many reasons there is the loss of the common points that in the past made 2 persons to be happy,is it allowed for the wife to ask for the divorce?is there any statement which demonstrates it?because on the other hand,if a husband "refuses"his wife,he can divorce from her and he can also marry to 3 other ones.......Where is the love?that love which Allah has given us?

dear sister...sorry if i misunderstood you may Allah bless your marriage and beautiful children

but yes your point ewhat about where other situations when love is lost and many problems.. an a woman ask for divorce

 

[a_stranger]

:salam2:

I think i have been misunderstood.

the core of Islam is Love
To worship Allah to love him the most love with most humility then love extends to all creation. This love teaches responsibility and taqwa ( fear of Allah). Divorce is very bad for the whole family.

 

[saima abdullah]

dear sister
once a woman approached hazrat umar R.A and asked that she dont love her husband anymore , so she wanted to get divorce. in reply to this hazrat umar R.A asked if there is no love then where is mercy cause Allah Has mentioned in Quran that we have poured love and mercy in the hearts of couples .....(or as the Almighty said)....not all couples love each other even though a family can survive when there is kindness persists between them

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

And that is so true. I have seen it. I have seen the Muslim couples who have been married twenty-five to forty years..the way the husband will sneak his wife a slice of her favorite pie..even casting his eyes down..and hold it out for her before he gets caught...

 

[esperanza]

Assalaam walaikum,

And that is so true. I have seen it. I have seen the Muslim couples who have been married twenty-five to forty years..the way the husband will sneak his wife a slice of her favorite pie..even casting his eyes down..and hold it out for her before he gets caught...

yes some ccouples this happens but others can live just like strangers.. or one feels like a houseguest

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Ok sister...would it make a difference if I wrote been there and done that.
It is a brutal feeling. Nothing makes the air lighter. You can cut it with a knife.

But, in gaining Islamic knowledge there is a method to change that. That's what I am talking about. In Islam we are encourged to seek the core of why we are in that place. That is when we put into effect our worship.

That is the bottom line of the therapy. It is that simple. You have the ability to try and change the way you look at the circumstances. You take charge of your life. You make worship an active and purposeful part of your day. It is the medicine of the soul.

When was the last time you changed your furnishings..what can you discard from the physical environment. Clean out your closet and minimize. It is a wonderful and positive process.

Let your spouse see that a change is in the air.

Make all the recommended forms of worhship.

The thing about love is that is manifests in the strangest ways. It is present in your life. You just have to shed the cobwebs of fear and the solution is faith. And faith is Allah.