Hi everyone! I was wondering if someone could lay out the general role of a husband for me, as mine seems to be acting up (for example when I went to bed tonight, he left without telling me- at MIDNIGHT- and I only found out because I decided to get up and see what he was doing. He says he is with his uncle). He has been very emotionally abusive in the past, and while he is doing much better now, he still does things sometimes that REALLY bother me, like leaving in the middle of the night without telling me, while i am in bed. Seems suspicious to me. Anyway, he was raised muslim, and he knows the rules, and i would like to know them too. Whenever I learn a rule he is supposed to follow, and he breaks it, if I inform him of this rule, he seems to feel guilty, and he gets a little more respectful. Is it acceptable for me to demand that he not leave in the middle of the night when we have to work the next day? Is it acceptable for me to need him home late at night because I can't fall asleep when he is gone? Is it acceptable for him to leave like that? Or to yell at me when he is mad, or make me cry, and on and on the list goes. A little help, pleeease! Thank you!
What is the role/responsibilities/duties of the husband, please?
- Thread starter rtbour
- Start date
Almeftah
Junior Member
That reminds of what i read about Prophet Mohammed(pbuh) when one night he got up from bed, he thought Aisha (radya allahu anha) was asleep, then he went out and she fallowed him to see what he's upto, she thought he was going to one of his others wives, but he wasnt, so as he was going back home she rushed back and acted asleep so he wont notice, but then he know and he loughed at her 
.
dont worry sister its probubly nothing, you can ask him if you want, or you can wait until he's ready to tell you.
.dont worry sister its probubly nothing, you can ask him if you want, or you can wait until he's ready to tell you.
That is optimistic advice, and I really appreciate it. It really bothers me when he does things like that. Maybe it is not a big deal, but for some reason it really hurts me. Maybe I am too sensitive about the things he does because of the problems we had in the past.That reminds of what i read about Prophet Mohammed(pbuh) when one night he got up from bed, he thought Aisha (radya allahu anha) was asleep, then he went out and she fallowed him to see what he's upto, she thought he was going to one of his others wives, but he wasnt, so as he was going back home she rushed back and acted asleep so he wont notice, but then he know and he loughed at her
dont worry sister its probubly nothing, you can ask him if you want, or you can wait until he's ready to tell you.
That reminds of what i read about Prophet Mohammed(pbuh) when one night he got up from bed, he thought Aisha (radya allahu anha) was asleep, then he went out and she fallowed him to see what he's upto, she thought he was going to one of his others wives, but he wasnt, so as he was going back home she rushed back and acted asleep so he wont notice, but then he know and he loughed at her
dont worry sister its probubly nothing, you can ask him if you want, or you can wait until he's ready to tell you.
salam aleikum
Would u please provide a referance to that hadith ...
waaleikum salam
I called him and he is with his uncle, who said hello to me, but i still feel upset that he is not here. I cant sleep. I have to get up in 5 hours for work, and that is not enough sleep for me. Honestly, I feel like he doesn't want to be here with his family. He was already gone with another uncle for like 5 hours today. Why can't he just stay home? When he is home, a lot of times, he just sits on the internet and ignores me and our son.
salam aleikum
My dear sister I pray that everything will be well with u soon ...
I think the conversation between two is the best ,talk to him and explain how u feel ,and yes u have all the rights to demand him to stay with u when u need him .He has his obligations as a husband too...I know its very hard to feel ignored ,by the one u love ,but please dont feel down ,put your trust in Allah SWT and keep making a dua .
Just talk to your husband and see what is wrong ,may be there is something he is upset about .InshaAllah u will work things out together very soon.
waaleikum salam
My dear sister I pray that everything will be well with u soon ...
I think the conversation between two is the best ,talk to him and explain how u feel ,and yes u have all the rights to demand him to stay with u when u need him .He has his obligations as a husband too...I know its very hard to feel ignored ,by the one u love ,but please dont feel down ,put your trust in Allah SWT and keep making a dua .
Just talk to your husband and see what is wrong ,may be there is something he is upset about .InshaAllah u will work things out together very soon.
waaleikum salam
nblueblaze
A Brother
Dear Sister,
Salaam.
I cant provide any advice to you in this regard since I am unmarried. But being a male I can give you a tip/suggestion::
We males have been created a lot different than you females by Allah. Physically we are strong and mentally in few areas (viz. managing finances, office work plans) we are extremely efficient but when it comes to human relationships we are weak (weak in the sense-"extremely dependant"). Hence we crave love, compassion & support form females (reminds me of the old eng maxim: behind every successful man there is a woman!)
A woman (Alhumdulillah) is strong in this regard. She defines various roles::mother-daughter-sister-wife and helps to keep not one but two families intact and happy! Now you can understand how strong you are!
Dear Sister, we males have a serious difficulty in confiding our troubles/difficulties to our family members...this may sound crazy to females but this is true (like I said we have been made different!). We cant let go our distress 'just like that' by telling others rather we love to ponder over the difficulty and give more stress to ourselves!!(crazy huh??!?!) May be this is the reason why he had suddenly taken a liking to spending some time alone.
May be your husband is going through a very difficult time in office/business. If you dont understand him, who will??
Interestingly males who do not confide their difficulty to their wives does that not to keep secret from their partners but they try not to give stress to their wives. Providing a peaceful & happy life to our wives (sometimes would-be wives!!) is the utmost concern for every male (specially muslim males).
I suggest you talk your husband, assure (and reassure) him that you are (and will be) there for him come what ever may.Ask Allah to increase your patience and ask for Barkat to your family. Increase love & fear of Allah in your heart. Inshallah everything will be fine.
You mentioned that you feel "suspicious"....its the very work of Satan...understand your husband first...your marriage had been done taking Allah's name...suspicion should not come in your heart...you two are blessed couple.
Remember one thing sister: one broken home is one defeat for the soldiers of Islam.
My post may sound like giving tons of fully-loaded heavy advice from a 25yr old unmarried (read green-horn) male but I am writing what I feel correct. We are one big society regardless of ethnicity, our lord is one and only Allah.
If you think I am wrong and have been talking taking your husband's side and been insensitive towards the women you have every right to criticise/abuse me if you think otherwise, do remember me in your prayers.
May Allah normalise every difficulty between you, may Allah be always merciful to you, may sorrow never touch you or your family.
Khuda-Hafiz.
Brother Nasim.
Salaam.
I cant provide any advice to you in this regard since I am unmarried. But being a male I can give you a tip/suggestion::
We males have been created a lot different than you females by Allah. Physically we are strong and mentally in few areas (viz. managing finances, office work plans) we are extremely efficient but when it comes to human relationships we are weak (weak in the sense-"extremely dependant"). Hence we crave love, compassion & support form females (reminds me of the old eng maxim: behind every successful man there is a woman!)
A woman (Alhumdulillah) is strong in this regard. She defines various roles::mother-daughter-sister-wife and helps to keep not one but two families intact and happy! Now you can understand how strong you are!
Dear Sister, we males have a serious difficulty in confiding our troubles/difficulties to our family members...this may sound crazy to females but this is true (like I said we have been made different!). We cant let go our distress 'just like that' by telling others rather we love to ponder over the difficulty and give more stress to ourselves!!(crazy huh??!?!) May be this is the reason why he had suddenly taken a liking to spending some time alone.
May be your husband is going through a very difficult time in office/business. If you dont understand him, who will??
Interestingly males who do not confide their difficulty to their wives does that not to keep secret from their partners but they try not to give stress to their wives. Providing a peaceful & happy life to our wives (sometimes would-be wives!!) is the utmost concern for every male (specially muslim males).
I suggest you talk your husband, assure (and reassure) him that you are (and will be) there for him come what ever may.Ask Allah to increase your patience and ask for Barkat to your family. Increase love & fear of Allah in your heart. Inshallah everything will be fine.
You mentioned that you feel "suspicious"....its the very work of Satan...understand your husband first...your marriage had been done taking Allah's name...suspicion should not come in your heart...you two are blessed couple.
Remember one thing sister: one broken home is one defeat for the soldiers of Islam.
My post may sound like giving tons of fully-loaded heavy advice from a 25yr old unmarried (read green-horn) male but I am writing what I feel correct. We are one big society regardless of ethnicity, our lord is one and only Allah.
If you think I am wrong and have been talking taking your husband's side and been insensitive towards the women you have every right to criticise/abuse me if you think otherwise, do remember me in your prayers.
May Allah normalise every difficulty between you, may Allah be always merciful to you, may sorrow never touch you or your family.
Khuda-Hafiz.
Brother Nasim.
Almeftah
Junior Member
Gentlmen, go easy on your wives!!
It came in Sahih Muslim:C14B39N6759 “Aisha, the wife of Allah’s Apostle, reported: ‘Allah’s Messenger left my apartment during the night. Then he came and he saw me in an agitated state.’ He said: “Aisha, what has happened to you? Do you feel jealous?” I said: “How can it be that a girl like me would not feel jealous in regard to a husband like you?".
It came in Sahih Muslim:C14B39N6759 “Aisha, the wife of Allah’s Apostle, reported: ‘Allah’s Messenger left my apartment during the night. Then he came and he saw me in an agitated state.’ He said: “Aisha, what has happened to you? Do you feel jealous?” I said: “How can it be that a girl like me would not feel jealous in regard to a husband like you?".
nblueblaze
A Brother
thanks for the "gentleman" tag.......lol! We males love it!!!!!!
Almeftah
Junior Member
muslimah sister
New Member
You say that you have had problems in the past, then I think your husband should try to prove himself that everything has changed. For eg, you should both go to bed together, wake up and have breakfast together etc. This is the only way you will stop having doubts about him if he shows that he has changed. Forgive me if I have said anything wrong but I will 
pray for you that Allah makes your marraige succeed. :salam2:
pray for you that Allah makes your marraige succeed. :salam2:
Almeftah
Junior Member
:salam2:
sister, i know what you mean, even though my husband does not do the same, the things that he does do make me feel the same way as what u are feeling. you should try and talk to him, and be patient, if he does not comunicate back to u, then let him know that u will be waiting for him when he is ready. from my experience, alot of patience is needed. what brother nasim said is SO true! men find it very hard to open up about their true feelings, and there is no sure way of getting through to them , other than being patient and letting ur husband know that u are there for whatever support he needs! at the begining i used to take his moodyness as personal, but now i dont, especially as i have found that if he thinks i think like that he carries on! be strong sister, u mention you have a son, Mashallah!! if he does ignore u, then he his the bigger fool, lol!
another thing, some men dont respond well to tears, they cant handle a woman crying and sometimes react the opposite of what the woman wants! i know its hard sometimes, and when someone u love hurts you then the tears are naturally going to come strolling out!
always smile!!
u will be in my dua!!!!!
:tti_sister:
sister, i know what you mean, even though my husband does not do the same, the things that he does do make me feel the same way as what u are feeling. you should try and talk to him, and be patient, if he does not comunicate back to u, then let him know that u will be waiting for him when he is ready. from my experience, alot of patience is needed. what brother nasim said is SO true! men find it very hard to open up about their true feelings, and there is no sure way of getting through to them , other than being patient and letting ur husband know that u are there for whatever support he needs! at the begining i used to take his moodyness as personal, but now i dont, especially as i have found that if he thinks i think like that he carries on! be strong sister, u mention you have a son, Mashallah!! if he does ignore u, then he his the bigger fool, lol!
another thing, some men dont respond well to tears, they cant handle a woman crying and sometimes react the opposite of what the woman wants! i know its hard sometimes, and when someone u love hurts you then the tears are naturally going to come strolling out!
always smile!!
u will be in my dua!!!!!
:tti_sister:
dianek
Junior Member
Salaam Sister!
Boy can I relate to your situation. My husband and his friends congregate at the local Starbucks atleast 4 times a week for hours at night. I go to bed early (9ish) and he always leaves after I am sleeping. Sometimes he stays out even later than 2 am at his one friends house (who is a single guy)....it infuriates me to no end because I too can't sleep if he isn't IN the house as I am constantly listening out for him. But I know he is where he says he is, I have checked up on him a few times unbeknownst to him...LOL!!! It is all innocent with him.....I get angry more because he is out with his friends having a good time and I don't get to just up and leave and go kick it with my girlfriends....LOL!!!! Mine has his moments of being emotionally and mentally abusive too. I think for my husband, it is frustrating for him that I am NOT of his culture and I don't think of things the way he would like me too. He treats me kind of like I am a rebellious child, trying to push him to the limits and it isn't that way at all. I was raised differently and have different ways of looking at things than he does. For example, I say "thank goodness" or geez all the time and he curses me to hell and back about it.........thinking that I am blasphemying God or something....and geez he thinks sounds like Jesus so he freaks at me....or when I coin the term "Freakin'.......that gets ugly, but the fact is I just don't even think when those words pop out, they just do as they always have. You are from the US so I can assume you are in the same situation as me. I can tell you that "they can do what they want, say what they want and you better not question them".....is the way they think....and us American girls, well we don't like to be TOLD anything, right? I don't know the solution to these issues, but I take it one day at a time. I love my husband on most days and hate him on others. But I am too old to start over! Good luck sister! But unless you have other issues presenting themselves (perfume smell on his clothes, etc.) just accept his excursions out at night as him just connecting with people like himself. And be sure to tell him how much you love having him home at nights to make you feel safe and secure and loved and how much you need that from him. They love to have their egos stroked.
Boy can I relate to your situation. My husband and his friends congregate at the local Starbucks atleast 4 times a week for hours at night. I go to bed early (9ish) and he always leaves after I am sleeping. Sometimes he stays out even later than 2 am at his one friends house (who is a single guy)....it infuriates me to no end because I too can't sleep if he isn't IN the house as I am constantly listening out for him. But I know he is where he says he is, I have checked up on him a few times unbeknownst to him...LOL!!! It is all innocent with him.....I get angry more because he is out with his friends having a good time and I don't get to just up and leave and go kick it with my girlfriends....LOL!!!! Mine has his moments of being emotionally and mentally abusive too. I think for my husband, it is frustrating for him that I am NOT of his culture and I don't think of things the way he would like me too. He treats me kind of like I am a rebellious child, trying to push him to the limits and it isn't that way at all. I was raised differently and have different ways of looking at things than he does. For example, I say "thank goodness" or geez all the time and he curses me to hell and back about it.........thinking that I am blasphemying God or something....and geez he thinks sounds like Jesus so he freaks at me....or when I coin the term "Freakin'.......that gets ugly, but the fact is I just don't even think when those words pop out, they just do as they always have. You are from the US so I can assume you are in the same situation as me. I can tell you that "they can do what they want, say what they want and you better not question them".....is the way they think....and us American girls, well we don't like to be TOLD anything, right? I don't know the solution to these issues, but I take it one day at a time. I love my husband on most days and hate him on others. But I am too old to start over! Good luck sister! But unless you have other issues presenting themselves (perfume smell on his clothes, etc.) just accept his excursions out at night as him just connecting with people like himself. And be sure to tell him how much you love having him home at nights to make you feel safe and secure and loved and how much you need that from him. They love to have their egos stroked.
bilalswife1983
Junior Member
nblueblaze,
I think you provided a wonderful answer. Although I'm not married, your answer provided me with comfort for what the future may bring (does that make sense? lol).
rtbour,
Like I said in the above paragraph, I'm not married so I can only offer what I think and not what I know. Maybe your husband is having his own personal problems and doesn't want to bother you with it....to quote nblueblaze, "Providing a peaceful & happy life to our wives (sometimes would-be wives!!) is the utmost concern for every male (specially muslim males)." Maybe his uncles are helping him through his problems. I wouldn't give in to your suspicions, I know that that's easier said than done. But you did check up on him and he was where he said he was. Give him the benefit of the doubt and just know that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Dawn
nblueblaze
A Brother
point1: true
point2: eternal truth!
lol...we men are sure crazy!
Stay beautiful sisters..
nickandsadiesmom/Dawn; said:
lol...most welcome...no charges apply...lol!