Lets Be Honest....

[Saifu deen]

:salam2:

I hope this subject doesn't annoy anyone inshallah. I was just thinking about how muslims get married. For example, how does the brother/sister feels when stand before unknown male/female and discuss marriage and how do they judge, and trust their feelings after reaching a final decision.

I understand every muslim must lower their gaze. But, when speaking about marriage with a sister, and the shiekh/brother/father at present, dont the brothers/sisters feel shy at some point. Dont get me wrong, I encourage this way of marriage, but I am trying to discuss the feelings at that particular point.

Imagine, brothers and sisters got used to lowring their gaze to a limit they feel shy even when discussing marriage with a potential partner.

Having said how the brother may feel ''shy'', how does the sister thinks of him. I wonder if she thinks he isnt a good person, or the brother isnt confident of himself, low self-esteem etc. (Confidence and shyness are two different terms).. On the other hand, when the brother realize that the sister is shy, thats a bonus, because shyness is very good...

At what grounds does both sides decide whether the brother or sister is good future husband/wife. Does the sister get a bad impression of his shyness, quitness, and in many cases the brother might lower his gaze rather than concentrate on the importance of the discussion.. While, in reality, he is very pious muslim, understandable and so on...

I know many born muslim brothers who Allah (swt) guided them to the straight path, found it difficult to communicate with the sisters when discussing marriage. However, the brothers before coming to the right path, they were exteremly flexiable when talking with ladies, but after coming to the right path, they are unable to communicate with a sister.. In plain english,many brothers dont know how sisters think, or approach because many are naturally shy people, and never spoke to females unless in necessary situations.

I believe there is a major chance of the brother or sister of being turned down before that individual even get to know the brother or sister's behaviour, ways of thinking. Sometimes, people may prepare many questions to ask the potential partner, but when it come to face to face they are unable to.

Questions of this thread: (And some extra questions)

1) Is certain behaviour/feelings such as shyness, quitness, and lowering gaze, bad behaviour or wrong impression when discussing marriage?

2) Don't you think you can misinterpret ones behaviour and refuse him/her according to your misinterpretation?

3) When can we trust our feelings, and reach the final decision? (after long observation and study of the other person) and say yes I want to get married to him/her?

4) Do you accept certain habits and believe that after marriage you'll be able change him/her? If yes, would you also accept if you couldnt change anything, instead all you hear from the other person ''you accepted this behaviour before we get married, so dont try to change me now?

5) How can we trust that the person infront of us wouldn't change all of a sudden after marriage? (I understand that we must trust in Allah swt).. At what point can we say I trust him/her, thats it I made mind up.

I would like to add more questions, but I dont want to bore you. I hope no one get offended at any stage inshallah. If this post doesnt comply with TTI ruling please delete it. The main objectives of this thread is to open a honest discussion of what many brothers that I know wouldnt speak up about it...

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

I believe the questions you pose are important. I am older and really do not know what young people need to address. However, I can state that trust comes with time. Trust is a byproduct of marriage. It is the little things that are the glue to marriage. What I am trying to say is it really does not matter what you feel the moment you get married. It is the years and years of living together under all conditions that matter. It is knowing that there is one person who has to be there.
In all marriages there are phases. There are times you love your spouse with all your heart. There are times the mere thought of your spouse makes you want to vomit. The longer you are married the better the relationship. Marriage makes you learn to forgive the faults of others. You know no matter what you have to go on. It is a great anitdote for depression.
I have written this before but there is nothing like a Saturday morning when it raining and everyone is still in their jammies, the tv is on and breakfast is being made and you decide all you are going to do is be a family. To me that is winning the lottery. That is having your cake and eating it too!
Love in marriage is best expressed when you least expect it. You look into eachothers eyes and dive into the pool of love, knowing this is real and forever and ever.
I pray that my brothers and sister find spouses and raise families. These are the blessings that Allah subhana talla has given to us. I ask for forgiveness if I have been monotonous.

 

[shaheeda35]

:salam2:
When you have that first sit down with your potential husband/wife, its the most important meeting you will ever have. Its the first time you will lay eyes on each other and decide if you are right for each other. Dont get me wrong, there is no such thing as love at first sight, but for some it is, but that first meeting should go passed the physical. The love I'm talking about is the spiritual love, which is the most important. The love of Allah and taqwa of Allah. Yes you have to lower your gaze, but we cant walk around or sit down in front of your intended with your head down, we are allowed to look, but not lust. The Prophet allowed us to look at our future spouse.
We dont know what the future holds, but ONLY you will know if she/he is the right one, inshallah. We pray istikhara, and Allah will show you the signs. You dont really know a person until you live with them, so we just dont know, just trust your heart. Allah knows best

 

[huda2]

:salam2:

I hope this subject doesn't annoy anyone inshallah. I was just thinking about how muslims get married. For example, how does the brother/sister feels when stand before unknown male/female and discuss marriage and how do they judge, and trust their feelings after reaching a final decision.

I understand every muslim must lower their gaze. But, when speaking about marriage with a sister, and the shiekh/brother/father at present, dont the brothers/sisters feel shy at some point. Dont get me wrong, I encourage this way of marriage, but I am trying to discuss the feelings at that particular point.

Imagine, brothers and sisters got used to lowring their gaze to a limit they feel shy even when discussing marriage with a potential partner.

Having said how the brother may feel ''shy'', how does the sister thinks of him. I wonder if she thinks he isnt a good person, or the brother isnt confident of himself, low self-esteem etc. (Confidence and shyness are two different terms).. On the other hand, when the brother realize that the sister is shy, thats a bonus, because shyness is very good...

At what grounds does both sides decide whether the brother or sister is good future husband/wife. Does the sister get a bad impression of his shyness, quitness, and in many cases the brother might lower his gaze rather than concentrate on the importance of the discussion.. While, in reality, he is very pious muslim, understandable and so on...

I know many born muslim brothers who Allah (swt) guided them to the straight path, found it difficult to communicate with the sisters when discussing marriage. However, the brothers before coming to the right path, they were exteremly flexiable when talking with ladies, but after coming to the right path, they are unable to communicate with a sister.. In plain english,many brothers dont know how sisters think, or approach because many are naturally shy people, and never spoke to females unless in necessary situations.

I believe there is a major chance of the brother or sister of being turned down before that individual even get to know the brother or sister's behaviour, ways of thinking. Sometimes, people may prepare many questions to ask the potential partner, but when it come to face to face they are unable to.

Questions of this thread: (And some extra questions)

1) Is certain behaviour/feelings such as shyness, quitness, and lowering gaze, bad behaviour or wrong impression when discussing marriage?

2) Don't you think you can misinterpret ones behaviour and refuse him/her according to your misinterpretation?

3) When can we trust our feelings, and reach the final decision? (after long observation and study of the other person) and say yes I want to get married to him/her?

4) Do you accept certain habits and believe that after marriage you'll be able change him/her? If yes, would you also accept if you couldnt change anything, instead all you hear from the other person ''you accepted this behaviour before we get married, so dont try to change me now?

5) How can we trust that the person infront of us wouldn't change all of a sudden after marriage? (I understand that we must trust in Allah swt).. At what point can we say I trust him/her, thats it I made mind up.

I would like to add more questions, but I dont want to bore you. I hope no one get offended at any stage inshallah. If this post doesnt comply with TTI ruling please delete it. The main objectives of this thread is to open a honest discussion of what many brothers that I know wouldnt speak up about it...

:ma: what interesting questions, well I havent made that final decision yet but ofcourse it can be weird feeling when u meeting unknown bro/sis , but at the same time u know u are doing it fr the righ reason and the right way too. Being him/her shy ithink its a good sign since shy is a good thing in islam,,,,,,,unles he/she is to shy to say a word which can be akward thing, but Ithink u cant judge the person coz he/she is shy. Of course u can misinterpret ones behaviour and refuse, so u just have to try to see things clear and trust in allah.
I guess u will make the final decision when u feel this person is a good fr u and u like his/her taqwa, personality, have some thing in common, and of course after observation then I guess u need to pray salat istikhara and trust in allah fr the rest. Allah make the decision fr us we just do the action. Q 4 in my opinion I dont think we can change any one allah can change that person, and that person his/her self coz we dont have the power to change some one, we can only influence with our good deeds but cant change them,,,,,,,,, Why do u want to change some one who has been this way all his/her life? take it or leave it and then deal with it if u willing to, but dont accept to change u may do more damage. I did witness many couple who did more damage instead changing him/her. How do u know the person infront of u wouldnt change all of the sudden?( lol) Its the risk we have to take it coz we dont know, only allah knows,,,,,,so we just have to trust in allah (swt). Sorry and forgive me plz if I said some thing wrong since I have no experience abt this, but I have been around alot of many married people. Allah know best.

 

[farhopes]

too shy!!

Well, I can totally relate to your words as great shyness was and still is my serious problem.

However, I do like shy and quiet people. I think shyness, lowering the gaze are the ornament that should be worn in such sensitive situations.

Shyness shouldn't keep you silent. You have to overcome your shyness and encourage yourself to talk , it is just the first step. Being pious has nothing to do with the ability to talk and communicate with a potential partner. Talking is the only way to avoid to be misinterpreted.

You can trust your feeling and reach the final decisison when you find your heart and your mind urge you to go on. You may feel this from the very beginning. You may needa second visit to talk more and be able to decide.

Unfortunately, most people give the external appearance the upper hand in marriage. Don't be taken by the external beauty lest you may regret. Try to see her/ him with your heart and your mind.

You can never decide unless you talk and listen. If you are the man, then it will be your role to start, you have to make her talk to know her and you also give her a chance to know you. Making Istikhara is very, very helpful to both of you. Don't worry, you will definitely know that this is the right one when you meet the right one.

 

[Saifu deen]

There are times the mere thought of your spouse makes you want to vomit. The longer you are married the better the relationship. Marriage makes you learn to forgive the faults of others.

I pray that my brothers and sister find spouses and raise families. These are the blessings that Allah subhana talla has given to us. I ask for forgiveness if I have been monotonous.

:salam2:

I agree with your sister. forgiving the faults of others is what makes good couples a good friends..

Amiin to your duas sis..

I was hoping a brother or two participate to see their point of view...

 

[Saifu deen]

Its the first time you will lay eyes on each other and decide if you are right for each other. The love of Allah and taqwa of Allah. Yes you have to lower your gaze, but we cant walk around or sit down in front of your intended with your head down, we are allowed to look, but not lust. The Prophet allowed us to look at our future spouse.

:salam2:

jazaka Allah...

Subhanallah, I thought its muchmore complicated than that. I agree with you, that its the love of Allah and taqwa. I think we need lots of time to realize whether he/she has taqwa and love of Allah.. Init?

 

[Saifu deen]

Why do u want to change some one who has been this way all his/her life? take it or leave it and then deal with it if u willing to, but dont accept to change u may do more damage. I did witness many couple who did more damage instead changing him/her.

:salam2:

Jazaka Allahu Khair. Yes, trying to change some1 is very danger indeed. But being patient is the key. I've seen couples that went through to those that you know. people dont influence but they rather use their power to change. Sometimes, culture is one of the main obstacles that lead to marriage arguments and major disagreement. Sometimes people accept the other person's habits because overall he/she is very suitable for marriage, but after marriage lol, things change, and many demand lots of changes and there isnt much influence in that process to be honest...

 

[Saifu deen]

You may needa second visit to talk more and be able to decide.

Unfortunately, most people give the external appearance the upper hand in marriage. Don't be taken by the external beauty lest you may regret. Try to see her/ him with your heart and your mind.

.

:salam2:

jazaki Allahu Khair sister. Subhanallah. I didnt know that some people can reach the final decision after the first visit. Is it because they rely on Allah (swt). I believe its impossible to know someone's personality, behaviour, things in common, taqwa, love of Allah in one 1 visit, (is this how its suppose to be).. or people can arrange as much visits as they can to ensure they've made the right decision.

If external appearance the main issue in one's mind, then he/she will reach decision in no time?.. People need more time to know someone, at the presence of the wali/shiekh.

 

[lostlilly07]

Well, I have little experience with this and for me I always recommend talking to the person for a few times without seeing their face, this way you don't build a liking for them just base on looks but base on what is in there heart. I also know that person can not be change but instead if you are positive person and who is very pious then eventually your good habits will rub off on to them or at least that is happens to me, when I see someone doing something great like not listenining to music or watching tv or something like just reading the Quran for five minutes each day, and I am around them enough I pick up those habits to. So basically now I don't watch tv, or listen to music and I tried to read quran five minutes a day but I usually read it longer cuz I get so drawn into it. What else the only advice I can give you is please put all your trust in Allah, Marriage is scary thing especially if you are new to it, and if you put your trust in the ALL PERFECT, Allah will have your back. Or at least that is what I believe. I love Allah so much

Peace

 

[Saifu deen]

:salam2:

Jazaki Allahu Khair.. I agree with you. May Allah (swt) increase our wisdom, knowledge, and keep us in the straight path.. Amiin, Amiin, Amiin....

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

I suggest that this topic be revisted. You posted many questions. How about a Let's be Honest Part II. Marriage is a favorite topic and an important topic.