Family Issue (URGENT HELP!)

[UbaydAllah]

:salam2:

I don't want to turn this into a whole life story, but I have to start at the beginning to help things make more sense. My mother works as a cleaner, cleaning offices and her boss was this Muslim man.

Over the years our family and him have become very close, he took everyone in the family to get their licenses, he often gives us money, helped us buy a car etc. (Keep in my my mother and father are divorced) Mashallah, he has done so many things for us.

For the past 2 years, he has had some problems with his wife (they don't speak, she doesn't cook for him, and they have 5 kids together). He has been coming to our house for a long time, because he doesn't want to deal with things at his house.

My siblings really love him to the point that they jokingly call him father and even uncle (out of respect/culture not blood ties). He comes over to the house many times a week for about 4-5 hours watches TV and my mother cooks for him.

Sometimes I come home from university and they are alone watching TV. In some cases, they go up to my mothers room to watch TV, when my siblings want to watch TV in the living-room.

My mother locks the door when they are up there because he fears that if his wife or someone in the neighborhood finds out that he is coming to our house to blow off steam, watch TV, rumors can get started and if his wife finds out, it could be the end of their marriage. This was going on for a long time maybe 1 to 2 years.

For a long time I didn't care but, I started to follow the dean, reading Quran, praying 5 times a day and striving to be closer to Allah (my whole life I haven't been that religious and only my mother an me actually pray consistently in the family).

It bothered my so much that this man (as nice as he was) was a non-mahram, he isn't allowed to have a relationship with my mother, and the fact that she doesn't wear hijab around him, or stay's with him alone bothered me. I decided to confront her today about this. Lets, just say that everyone in my house attacked me.

They were shocked that I was accusing her of committing zina with him, even though I didn't say this. I told them the Islamic point of view and even backed up my stance with evidence from the Quran, Hadith and even scholarly opinions on the matter.

Everyone said I was being harsh and an extremist. They said that I just learned the religion and that they knew more than me and that it was her business what she did. Didn't Allah say to enjoin good and forbid evil? My mother became so angry, she cursed me and said she would never forgive me for approaching her about this and that it was her house and she could do whatever she wanted to do and that If I didn't like it I should go live with my father.

My siblings were backing her saying that the Muslim man was like family and that nothing was wrong, eventually they admitted that it was Haram and that they would continue to allow him to come over no matter what. They believe that my mother is not doing anything wrong and actually getting good deeds for helping out a stressed Muslim.

My brothers and sisters in this forum, what should I do in this situation, nobody in my family is on my side. Do I leave?, Do I talk to the Muslim man? (my mother threatened that if I spoke to him she would leave the house) Should I leave it alone? Should I lock the door if he comes? Should I tell his wife? (this could really make things worse for my family and his) What is the Islamic view on something like this and what are my obligations? THIS IS URGENT!!! Jazakallahu khairan

 

[MohammedMaksudul]

:salam2:

Brother, I assure you you are on the right path. Brother I won't say I feel your pain as I have not been confronted with such a test. But remember it is indeed a test for you. So Seek help from Allah, The Exalted. I think you should approach your mother alone. Talk to her be kind to her. She is your mother after all, she can't be with out talking with you for long. Try and convince her that either she gets married to him or else what is happening in your house is haraam. Remind her that even cousins are not allowed to mingle like this. Explain to her how Islam condemns this. Be patient and nice to her. It will take time for her to understand, but you should persist on talking to her in private. You have to be patient and ask Allah to Forgive her and Guide her. You should not hurry in talking to that man at this point that might upset your mother more. So it is better you talk to her only for now, until the situation does not gets any worse. Explain to her that you don't hate the man and the only way that the man can keep a relation with your mother is through marriage. Ask her to propose marriage to him. Take time and take it easy on her. And also you should search the story of Barsisa, the worshipper in the internet and should narrate it to her. The story shows how shaytan leads even the most pious amongst us astray by small steps at first and then makes us do shirk. InshAllah, Allah Will Guide and Forgive your mother. Allah knows best.

 

[UbaydAllah]

:salam2:

Brother, I assure you you are on the right path. Brother I won't say I feel your pain as I have not been confronted with such a test. But remember it is indeed a test for you. So Seek help from Allah, The Exalted. I think you should approach your mother alone. Talk to her be kind to her. She is your mother after all, she can't be with out talking with you for long. Try and convince her that either she gets married to him or else what is happening in your house is haraam. Remind her that even cousins are not allowed to mingle like this. Explain to her how Islam condemns this. Be patient and nice to her. It will take time for her to understand, but you should persist on talking to her in private. You have to be patient and ask Allah to Forgive her and Guide her. You should not hurry in talking to that man at this point that might upset your mother more. So it is better you talk to her only for now, until the situation does not gets any worse. Explain to her that you don't hate the man and the only way that the man can keep a relation with your mother is through marriage. Ask her to propose marriage to him. Take time and take it easy on her. And also you should search the story of Barsisa, the worshipper in the internet and should narrate it to her. The story shows how shaytan leads even the most pious amongst us astray by small steps at first and then makes us do shirk. InshAllah, Allah Will Guide and Forgive your mother. Allah knows best.

Jazakallahi Khaiyran Akhi

I will take your advice into much consideration, It seems to me by the way that my mother spoke to me and what my siblings have said, that they will allow him to come over. Should I still give him salaam? or refuse to greet one who is commiting haraam by being in the presence of my mother?

 

[MohammedMaksudul]

:salam2:

You should give out the greetings of peace and show the beauty of the character of a Muslim. So do not refrain from giving salam, but it does not mean you should not hate his coming to your house like this.

 

[faaraa]

Indeed a strange problem..

Any ways, first of all you have talked this issue with mum.. that is sounding nice..
BUT... keep on doing the same.. I mean if you are helpless to find a solution then why don't you seek the advise of a senior member in your family?

and be nice to your siblings and let them understand the fact.. if you, your self can never provide them with Islamic points, then I suggest you to make some one else do the job. I mean you can use their friends or your close friend to send them mails or stuff..

If you think that having talk with that uncle would help you, then RELAX and talk to him inside a masjid or in any other common place, so that he would understand INSHA ALLAH

More that every thing, I will INSHA ALLAH make Dua for you..

FEE AMANILLAH

 

[Ahsen]

:salam2:
My brothers and sisters in this forum, what should I do in this situation, nobody in my family is on my side. Do I leave?, Do I talk to the Muslim man? (my mother threatened that if I spoke to him she would leave the house) Should I leave it alone? Should I lock the door if he comes? Should I tell his wife? (this could really make things worse for my family and his) What is the Islamic view on something like this and what are my obligations? THIS IS URGENT!!! Jazakallahu khairan

Confront the man and his wife.Your mom wouldn't leave the house.Trust me.I am sure about this.If she asks you why you are doing this,tell her it's for her own good.

 

[allah is with me]

walaikumassalam..hey this is so like my family, buh my mother speaks to my dad ...
buh , here in my family..my mother is ill, thats y she does not cook and she has 5 kids too (including me )..
i dont know what to say regarding this..coz i am confused tooo....
ill pray ..inshallah, may allah do something..and thier family again become happy, and they stay together happily for ever ameeeeen

 

[Abdul25]

:salam2:

Brother this is really a difficult situation . i cant say anything as i have not been in such situation. inshAllah Allah will do better. i replied only to give you courage that we are with you and sorry to say i dont have a solution or my solution might not be appropriate for you

May Allah SWT help you brother

 

[Ahsen]

Brother trust me.You gotta do what is right.Leave the consequences to ALLAH.Atleast you will not regret yourself that you didn't do anything if something bad happened.

The prophet PBUH said that when a two non mahrams man and woman are alone at a place,shaytan is also present there.It's not the exact words but you got what i meant.

 

[Idris16]

May Allah bless you brother. Make it a living hell for that man!! Ask yourself why your parents got divorced, is it because of that man. Does that man pray? Don't care if your family call you 'extremist', rather see it as an honor When we try understand islam by reading fataawas all the time then we suddenly realise what our family or adult are doing is wrong though we thought they were upon the righteous path.

Talk to that man my brother!! Tell him the truth. Ask him where his family are, who he thinks he's real family are and why he's not with them. If he's unable to leave your house then make your home a bad place for him. An example is to remove the toilet papers if you know he will enter the toilet.

By you not making salaam to him in order to make him leave your house then it's encouraged. This is called shunning. You must shun him.

 

[HappyMuslimah]

:salam2:

Brother, if you don't mind me asking, do you have any sisters? If you do, what are your mothers rules regarding their behaviour? Would she allow your sisters to be alone with a man for a lengthy period of time?

 

[UbaydAllah]

May Allah bless you brother. Make it a living hell for that man!! Ask yourself why your parents got divorced, is it because of that man. Does that man pray? Don't care if your family call you 'extremist', rather see it as an honor When we try understand islam by reading fataawas all the time then we suddenly realise what our family or adult are doing is wrong though we thought they were upon the righteous path.

Talk to that man my brother!! Tell him the truth. Ask him where his family are, who he thinks he's real family are and why he's not with them. If he's unable to leave your house then make your home a bad place for him. An example is to remove the toilet papers if you know he will enter the toilet.

By you not making salaam to him in order to make him leave your house then it's encouraged. This is called shunning. You must shun him.

My mother insists that if I don't leave him and her alone, that she will leave the house, get an apartment and invite him over. I am appalled at her behavior, but she is my mother. Will I be punished by Allah if I approach him even though I am disobeying and making her angry?

 

[UbaydAllah]

May Allah bless you brother. Make it a living hell for that man!! Ask yourself why your parents got divorced, is it because of that man. Does that man pray? Don't care if your family call you 'extremist', rather see it as an honor When we try understand islam by reading fataawas all the time then we suddenly realise what our family or adult are doing is wrong though we thought they were upon the righteous path.

Talk to that man my brother!! Tell him the truth. Ask him where his family are, who he thinks he's real family are and why he's not with them. If he's unable to leave your house then make your home a bad place for him. An example is to remove the toilet papers if you know he will enter the toilet.

By you not making salaam to him in order to make him leave your house then it's encouraged. This is called shunning. You must shun him.

:salam2:

Brother, if you don't mind me asking, do you have any sisters? If you do, what are your mothers rules regarding their behaviour? Would she allow your sisters to be alone with a man for a lengthy period of time?

I have 3 sisters, only 1 wears hijab and they are all on my mothers side due to the fact that they think that he is a good man and they would never do anything bad. I brought up your same argument saying "what if I brought home a girl? or my sisters brought home a guy?", she said that her situation was different and that she was helping someone who was having a tough time. my question is, my mother is getting angry with me even though I am speaking truth to her will I be punished for this?

 

[HappyMuslimah]

I have 3 sisters, only 1 wears hijab and they are all on my mothers side due to the fact that they think that he is a good man and they would never do anything bad. I brought up your same argument saying "what if I brought home a girl? or my sisters brought home a guy?", she said that her situation was different and that she was helping someone who was having a tough time. my question is, my mother is getting angry with me even though I am speaking truth to her will I be punished for this?

Ah, I see. I can completely empathise with your experience of being brought up in a single parent family. Its tough. And thats an understatement. Therefore, I think the best thing to do is tread carefully. Don't alienate the family you do have - and daughters are always going to side with their mums lol. If and when you do bring up the matter again, do it with tact and apolgoise to your mother for upsetting her.She'll respond better to your advice if you have a good relationship.

I shouldn't think you'd be punished for saying what you've already said. Your reason for telling your mother was not to hurt her, or make her feel bad. You did what you thought best. Don't worry bro

 

[queenislam]

May Allah swt help you~Amin!


:salam2:

True brother
this is serious!
They trust him but there's always evil whispers from shaithan L.

In some Islamic country
could have been charged adultery!

First,
talk nicely
to you mother if she think otherwise
like well he's only a dear friend or some other nice EXCUSES about him,

Maybe you can get your grandparent or uncle
and somebody wise
to bring her and your sibling
to the
top of their senses.

I really pity you brother,
May Allah swt help you~Amin!

Take Care!
~Wassalam

 

[UbaydAllah]

:salam2:

True brother
this is serious!
They trust him but there's always evil whispers from shaithan L.

In some Islamic country
could have been charged adultery!

First,
talk nicely
to you mother if she think otherwise
like well he's only a dear friend or some other nice EXCUSES about him,

Maybe you can get your grandparent or uncle
and somebody wise
to bring her and your sibling
to the
top of their senses.

I really pity you brother,
May Allah swt help you~Amin!

Take Care!
~Wassalam

Jazakallahu khaiyran for the advice,
My mother said that If I speak to him, I will be kicked out of the house, my mother is so upset with me right now to the point that I feel like I will get kicked out what should I do in this case? Forget everything? or risk being thrown out? (Trust me my mother has kicked out one of my other siblins before)

 

[Idris16]

My mother insists that if I don't leave him and her alone, that she will leave the house, get an apartment and invite him over. I am appalled at her behavior, but she is my mother. Will I be punished by Allah if I approach him even though I am disobeying and making her angry?

My brother there's no obedience to the creation IF disobedience to the Creator. It means obeying a human being while the Creator is being disobeyed. So tell that man to leave your house. Is he with you right now? Tell him to go to his own family. Maybe you are not thinking about his own wife, she may be sad that her husband is gone all the time. Has he ever slept in your house? If my mother would tell me she would get an apartment, I would still stand for the truth. And she shows her 'awrah in front of non-mahram men. My own cousin don't cover her hair in front of me.

It's a hard situation brother

 

[MohammedMaksudul]

Jazakallahu khaiyran for the advice,
My mother said that If I speak to him, I will be kicked out of the house, my mother is so upset with me right now to the point that I feel like I will get kicked out what should I do in this case? Forget everything? or risk being thrown out? (Trust me my mother has kicked out one of my other siblins before)

Salam, I hope you dont mind me asking, why did she kicked out the other sibling of yours?

 

[Ahsen]

Jazakallahu khaiyran for the advice,
My mother said that If I speak to him, I will be kicked out of the house, my mother is so upset with me right now to the point that I feel like I will get kicked out what should I do in this case? Forget everything? or risk being thrown out? (Trust me my mother has kicked out one of my other siblins before)

Brother,it's sad to hear that a mother prefers a non mahram over a son who is trying to protect her modesty.I am not to judge anyone but according to what you tell,the situation is clear.He is not just a "good" man in your mother's eyes.You should seriously talk to that man or his wife.Anyone who can change this situation.This thing is very serious.

If she blames you for blaming her,then tell her to stop her relation with that man or say it in clear words if she has any relation with him.I know many mothers are stone from inside but you can emotionally convince her to stop meeting this person.If you talk to that man he might complain to your mom and you could be in problem but what about talking to your mom herself.Bringing the truth out of her.

 

[abu'muhammad]

Over the years our family and him have become very close, he took everyone in the family to get their licenses, he often gives us money, helped us buy a car etc. (Keep in my my mother and father are divorced) Mashallah, he has done so many things for us.

For the past 2 years, he has had some problems with his wife (they don't speak, she doesn't cook for him, and they have 5 kids together). He has been coming to our house for a long time, because he doesn't want to deal with things at his house.

My siblings really love him to the point that they jokingly call him father and even uncle (out of respect/culture not blood ties). He comes over to the house many times a week for about 4-5 hours watches TV and my mother cooks for him.

Assalamu alaykum,

Dear brother,I feel that the good time to act was in the beginning. Now as you write it seems the things have gone stretched.This man has some emotional advantage of your family and if anyone try to whack it all of sudden than will It bring expected result ? and Will your family feel it right if that's done ?

Now Alhamdulillah as you understand of the situation and Allaah has blessed you with wisdom and hikmah then I wish you take strong steps in a matured way. So first stop taking what he grants/gives or any help for yourself as well as for your family. See its plain true that in this world there are very less who gives off something without any reason.With that I feel that you wouldn't feel debted facing him and could voice out in a formidable manner.Than try he do not get usual previleges what he gets. As I read here your family supports him and see him stressed, than he may have many men to talk and give him relevant help over his family problems. So dawah your family as if you intent no juggle,fight or contradict them but as in a usual way of communication. People understand better when they are not in an infuriated state. InshaAllaah Make them sure of what is right and what is wrong. In the same way you can talk with the labelled uncle that its his duty to resolve the family problems and not advertise them out with others and with that fulfill the duties as what Allaah ta'ala has enjoined upon him. Its not befitting him to leave them.