Question for reverts

[UmmOf3]

Salaam aleikum

Even if one search, one is not sure to find, isnt it?

The thing about the past... Well, I will not say all born muslims are like this or like that, but something I often hear from my sisters married to born muslims, are that the muslim men they marry, can not let go of the reverts past. They will nag and nag about how they "were loose women" before islam (even if they were not, just having male friends is enough to be "stamped" loose), and tell them how bad they were before islam...

I too went through that same thing.

Ofcourse life is not black and white, alhamdulillah, and what is good for some, is not for others. I just feel that, most of the cases, "equal children plays better", like we say in my language...

 

[kayleigh]

Salaam aleikum
I often hear from my sisters married to born muslims, are that the muslim men they marry, can not let go of the reverts past. They will nag and nag about how they "were loose women" before islam (even if they were not, just having male friends is enough to be "stamped" loose), and tell them how bad they were before islam...

I too went through that same thing.

I know exactly what you're talking about, unfortunately.

 

[umm hussain]

I agree that some born muslim men just dont understand women the way a revert man would. Remeber this is my opinion. I have come to know some men born in Muslim families can be 'male chauvinists' maybe because they might not have had experiences with women other than their sisters, or mothers they have no idea how to deal with women whether be it emotionally or even around the house some do not even know a womans biological make up or understand stand it, the monthly cycle etc. You cant treat your wife like your mum, if you know what I mean.

I don't think some men would understand or will be willing to help their wives and understand they are learning everything from scratch, reverts tend to help out a lot more and let their wives go out more and they can even baby sit but the born in a muslim family ones I think will find it difficult that a woman with past experiences with other men can actually just go and do the shopping or hang around with other sisters instead of going out to look for men. I mean everything is in the past RIGHT ? But some men just cant get this out of their heads and it is also their fault they want to venture into things they should leave in the past like a womans past relationships with other men thinking they can handle the information but it becomes too much.

Revert brothers tend to deal with a womans past better maybe because they have a past of their own and more accepting or understanding since they have been there and understand that in Jahiliyah these things can happen.

If you marry a born Muslim man in some cases it seems like you are married to the whole family even a Mum in law can tell you how to live your life, where your wife can and cannot go and what to eat and not eat lol I mean they just interfere too much and their sons are not willing to tell their mums to back off because for some unknown reason they think this is disrespect. You dont have to shout at your mum but tell her in a nice way to leave you alone. A revert however doesn't have that problem in most cases I think and their parents as well have 'wisdom' not to interfere in their children's relationships, because remember some of us have had pretty open relationships with our parents before Islam and can discuss almost anything including relationships with the opposite sex so it isn't too difficult to tell them to back off. I would definitely not want a man who can't tell his own mother to leave us alone because in some cases the daughter in law ends up telling her own mum in law and then there is tension between them unlike if their own son told them.

I think the sisters should also make a stance that its in the past so don't worry about it and even with pressure don't reveal past relationships, ALLAH has already forgiven us and we don't want someone to constantly remind us of the past, Allah has forgiven us and hidden those sins from everyone else we meet from the time we say shahada so there is no need for us to reveal it to them.

Alhamdulillah I didn't have to go through this whole looking for a marriage partner we were together before Islam and Allah guided both of us to the truth. Otherwise I think it would have been really difficult.

I know the best amongst us is the one with the most Taqwa but in my opinion its better for a revert to marry a revert or a Believing partner rather than any 'moderate' muslim or traditional man because this is were the problem mainly lies. Sisters should also stop being muslims for the Muslim man they are dating. I think this will stop a lot of problems as well because these are not the best examples of Muslim men. I dont know if the opposite happens, men who become 'muslim' for the girl their dating! Well if it does it should also stop because you here things like I became 'muslim' for you so if we are breaking up I am leaving 'islam.'

 

[learnermuslim]

Salaams to All,

Although very sad to hear from reverts here how their interactions with born muslims has left them weary to the extent they would not recommend it to their fellow reverts, I can understand it. Especially for revert sisters.

However and as pointed out by both born and revert in previous posts, why a marriage works or fails is based on the individuals themselves and how they deal with everything. It is the bond of understanding (through communication ) and appreciation between husband and wife that can conquer or fall to cultural, personal and social prejudices, be they revert, born or not even muslim.

Only the two individuals know why they get, or want to get together with someone and as no one knows the future, nor can use truth drugs to findout what is exactly in the others heart, but rushing in to one of the biggest sources of happiness or sorrow in this life with eyes closed (not asking enough, or the right questions to allay concerns) or through rose tinted glasses (assumptions and I can change them, they will change) is and will remain the biggest reason for failure.


Sadly for revert sisters, their past(s) can be used and be an issue, but this again depends on the individuals and, or level of hypocrisy of the individual. Brothers too have pasts, but suppose previous setence explains my view on this.

For the moment, I pray we all find our best partner and realise the real reasons why it didnt work out, so misconceptions, prejudices prevent us from moving forward, developing and just havig nice lives in general. Also, that there are more male reverts so our revert sisters find their happiness faster and easily, Ameen.

Fi amanAllah

 

[abdellah007]

salam

i dont see any reason to seperate reverts than born muslims. they re all under one religion. everywhere u go u find good and bad people.. anyone who s going to marry there should be strategy to pick up the person that suit him or her. if a born muslim get marry a revert then he should be a good reason to promote her iman by teaching here and telling here what s good and what s wrong.. in that case the husband should be more educated about his deen.


wassalam