Apostate returns to Islam

[BrotherKhalid]

:salam2:

My name is Khalid and I am ashamed to say I left Islam, not once but many times.

I first took my Shahadah in June of 2005 after doing a bit of study on the Din and then praying to God to show me the True Path. However, my loyalty was shaky and many times afterwards I began bouncing in and out of Islam. It got so bad I'd wake up in the morning calling myself a Buddhist (I was a member of a lay Buddhist group based out of Japan called Soka Gakkai before coming to Islam) and before going to bed I'd be calling myself Muslim again. I have grown my beard out and then shaved it off so many times my family and friends were convinced I began suffering from an identity crisis.

Anyway, the last time I left Islam (almost a year ago now) I got a tattoo, returned to consuming halal and haram foods and drinks without disrimination, and got myself pretty deeply in debt by accepting a student loan and then dropping out of college due to anxiety problems. I have had moments when I expressed a desire (to myself) to return to Islam, but I have many obsticles to overcome and I don't know how to approach them.

Would it be adviseable for me to take the Shahadah again? Also, when I left Islam, I moved back in with my parents who are very islamophobic, so should I look for another place to live? Since my apostacy was voluntary, intentional and sincere (at the time) one could say I am thus guilty of shirk, so I know that repentance is a must, and I have read and been told that of all the sins one could make, God forgives all but shirk, but does God forgive shirk if one repents and swears never again to leave Islam/do shirk?

As I write this I once more call myself a Muslim (albiet in secret since I don't want to be kicked out of my parents' home). Is this accurate or should I consider myself a non-Muslim until I have declared my Shahadah before two witnesses?

 

[revert2007]

well brother,u are not the only one in such a case.i know someone who took shahadah 7-8 times yet still can't be a muslim..be a muslim is not in taking shahadh even though
it is the major thing to be a muslim..but being a muslim should be from ur heart..if ur heart can't be a muslim,u cannot ever worship Allah and obey Him....

ur heart and soul should love Allah and obey His words in quran...it is not about being born as a muslim or convert to islam..but it is about to die as a muslim

so before the next time u take shahadah..i suggest that u really learn about islam and Allah..ask urself why u need to convert

 

[palestine]

Only Allah swt can forgive you for what you've done. but if you sincerely believe that you can handle being a muslim and that you won't go back on it later on, then yes do take your shahadah. and if you can't practice this faith in your parents home, then do move out and find brothers in the islamic community to help you out. You Must have true believe in your heart to become a Muslim - so don't just declare shahadah, but let it stand firm in your heart. you can do it, and Allah swt is the most forgiving. so go ahead with it if you are truly sure you won't go back on it again. it is best for you in this world and in the afterlife. think of the rewards and the life of the after - what do you want your abode to be?
take care, and may Allah swt guide you to your faith (islam) sincerely and truly. ameen.
wasalamu alaikum.

 

[a_muslimah86]

:salam2:

I would like to welcome you to TTI first and foremost..and assure you that the struggle with faith is existent within the hearts and minds of all..it just varies from one person to another...

Also I would like to ask you a question (if you don't mind)...

When you first converted to Islam..and through out years...did you attempt learning about Islam in any way? (I mean learning besides the basics)...and how well would you say your knowledge of Islam is (specifically...its creed..the Qura'an..and the hadith)?

I am asking these questions because I wish to make an attempt at directing you somewhere..and inshallah I am not intruding on your privacy in any way...

Welcome to TTI again..

 

[miq1]

Praise be to Allah (The Glorified and Exalted).

Welcome to the site. You may return to Islam at anytime and repent for your sins. Ask of Allah (The Glorified and Exalted) to keep you in Islam forever. When taking the Shahadah (testimony of faith), it is best to do so in a masjid (mosque) so you form a group of helpful brothers that can teach you the religion and befriend you in order to keep your faith high. It is also best to get involved in your local Muslim community and attend the prayers regularly, especially Isha (night prayer), if possible. Generally, having a greater connection with the Muslim community may help in keeping you in the religion.

You are also in need of increasing your knowledge of Islam so that you understand that this is the Truth and there is nothing else. Try the following links:

1) Read the "Learning Islam" threads, I had previously posted on this site. Click on the link and go to "page 2" and read them in order.

http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/search.php?searchid=1380099

2) Try the following link: "Proving Islam"

http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40837

3) Since you live in a part of the world in which the evolutionary theory is taught, you must understand the falseness of this theory. Try the following link:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62132

4) Learn more about Islam at the following sites:
http://www.islamreligion.com/

and http://islamqa.com/en

Concerning your relationship with your parents, it is important to practice religion. If you convert to Islam and keep it secret and eat out and find your own halaal food and pray secretly in your room or at a Muslim friend's home, that is good. Allow your parents to see the positive changes in your life and good manners and gradually teach them about Islam, starting with belief in Allah (The Glorified and Exalted). Ask of Allah (The Exalted) to making everything easy for you. He wishes for His slaves to enter Heaven.

And Allah (The Glorified and Exalted) Knows Best.

 

[BrotherKhalid]

:salam2:

I would like to welcome you to TTI first and foremost..and assure you that the struggle with faith is existent within the hearts and minds of all..it just varies from one person to another...

Also I would like to ask you a question (if you don't mind)...

When you first converted to Islam..and through out years...did you attempt learning about Islam in any way? (I mean learning besides the basics)...and how well would you say your knowledge of Islam is (specifically...its creed..the Qura'an..and the hadith)?

I am asking these questions because I wish to make an attempt at directing you somewhere..and inshallah I am not intruding on your privacy in any way...

Welcome to TTI again..

:salam2:

I did take some time to learn about Islam. I do not in any way consider myself anywhere near knowledgeable though, although I have spent many hours in study. I have read the Yusuf Ali translation of the Holy Qur'an, and although I have often listened Qur'anic recitation, I do not know Arabic aside from a few words. As for memorization, I know Surahs al Fatihah, and the final three (112, 113, 114) at the end of the Qur'an, and I have memorized the minimal aspects of what to say during Salah. I have studied the Hanafi and Hanbali schools (as the literature I was given when first reverting was either written by Hanafi scholars or Hanbali scholars) as well as the Salafi movement, and for a while I made a great effort to practice according to some very strict Salafi guidelines (although I have also at times went more in the direction of liberal movements within Islam). I have learnt a bit about the history of Islam and the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him). I consider myself to be very very uneducated in terms of hadith.

I thank you for your question, and I apologise if my answer is a bit (or very) winded. I joined this forum with the sincere intention to seek advice and learn from the brothers and sisters here, so no question asked will be regarded as an invasion of privacy. As long as it's within the guidelines of the forum itself (and Islam), I welcome any comments, questions, and criticisms.

Jazakum Allah khair

 

[BrotherKhalid]

Islam buries all sins committed before Shahaada. Your past sins are wiped out when you become a Muslim. God does not forgive shirk if a person dies on shirk.

So just to confirm, if one had made Shahadah in the past, then left Islam for a significant amount of time, then realizes his error and declares his Shahadah once more, (assuming the Shahadah is said with sincerity and after making sincere repentance), it will be as if he has accepted Islam for the first time?

Your lack of commitment to Islam is what you need to work on. Satan keeps luring you into the loose life. Fight him with learning the Quran, offering increased prayers, fasting and charity and calling upon God to help you and strengthen your resolve.

You're right. I have a lot of work to do. Jazakum Allah khair wa salam.

 

[Ibn Uthaymin]

Assalamu alykum

Its not identity crisis bro, its schizophrenia. Most muslims in the western world are unfortunately affected by it.

 

[BrotherKhalid]

Assalamu alykum

Its not identity crisis bro, its schizophrenia. Most muslims in the western world are unfortunately affected by it.

I have considered that. I was tested for schizophrenia a couple times and both times it turned out not to be the case (even only mildly). However, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder when I was 12, and then retested when I was around 14 (at which point my level of ADD was off the chart). Then in 2005 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Fortunately, I have taken control of the GAD with the help of therapy and medications. I have recently begun a more aggressive treatment of the ADD which so far has proven beneficial.

Perhaps that's why I have been able to focus more on Islam recently.

Wa salam.

 

[icadams]

As-salamu Alaykum,

My advice to you brother is too look very seriously at your lifestyle. If you are having problems sticking with the deen, you might consider that a lot of the issue is the outside influences in your life. I would suggest finding some Muslim brothers that you can begin spending time with, change your friendships so that you are constantly in the company of believers. You will find that it makes a tremendous difference.

I will pray that Allah gives you the strength to persevere and the guidance to stay on the right path.

 

[BrotherKhalid]

As-salamu Alaykum,

My advice to you brother is too look very seriously at your lifestyle. If you are having problems sticking with the deen, you might consider that a lot of the issue is the outside influences in your life. I would suggest finding some Muslim brothers that you can begin spending time with, change your friendships so that you are constantly in the company of believers. You will find that it makes a tremendous difference.

I will pray that Allah gives you the strength to persevere and the guidance to stay on the right path.

I think you're right. When I first embraced Islam, I had Muslims around me everywhere I went (I was living in a city at the time), and then I moved to this very rural (and very islamophobic) small town in middle of nowhere, Ontario where the closest Masjid is a 45 minute drive away. I have to get back to a city insha Allah.

 

[a_muslimah86]

:salam2:

I did take some time to learn about Islam. I do not in any way consider myself anywhere near knowledgeable though, although I have spent many hours in study. I have read the Yusuf Ali translation of the Holy Qur'an, and although I have often listened Qur'anic recitation, I do not know Arabic aside from a few words. As for memorization, I know Surahs al Fatihah, and the final three (112, 113, 114) at the end of the Qur'an, and I have memorized the minimal aspects of what to say during Salah. I have studied the Hanafi and Hanbali schools (as the literature I was given when first reverting was either written by Hanafi scholars or Hanbali scholars) as well as the Salafi movement, and for a while I made a great effort to practice according to some very strict Salafi guidelines (although I have also at times went more in the direction of liberal movements within Islam). I have learnt a bit about the history of Islam and the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him). I consider myself to be very very uneducated in terms of hadith.

I thank you for your question, and I apologise if my answer is a bit (or very) winded. I joined this forum with the sincere intention to seek advice and learn from the brothers and sisters here, so no question asked will be regarded as an invasion of privacy. As long as it's within the guidelines of the forum itself (and Islam), I welcome any comments, questions, and criticisms.

Jazakum Allah khair

I apologize for the late reply..I lost track of the thread due to the daily browsing I do here...

I was pleased to learn that you have a good base of knowledge..that's an indicator that you have a strong will to learn and understand (not very many people do unfortunately)...

So I will put two links below containing books...which I think would be good to read into...

http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53088
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3857
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62920

Focus on readings relating to *the Islamic creed* and the topic of *tawheed (monotheism)*...from experience with myself and those I know...faith does not cement deeply into the mind and heart until understanding of the two topics above is developed...because once you know what Islam means *in belief and creed*...you begin everything in your life through its lenses..and it becomes hard to abandon it or have doubts or "spiritual mysteries"...

If you have any further questions..or you wish to have more reading recommended to you..I think contacting one of the brother mods from the link below:

http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showgroups.php

Would be a really good idea...

I ask Allah to put over you the cloak of good health and well-being..and fill your heart with the comfort of strong faith free of doubts

 

[ahmed1988]

asalaam alaykum brother khalid, subhanallah it seems like u have a really big hurdle to come over and inshallah allah makes it easy for you... i just have a bit of advice which might help allah knows best, firstly allah will never burden a muslim with a test that we cant handle its just the shaytan makin us weak and think of the dunya and also hanging out with good muslims brothers who remember allah often is very helpful.

Also Allah is the most merciful and if it wasent for his mercy then none of us would enter jannah with our good deeds alone.

 

[BrotherKhalid]

Salams and thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I was surprised to see so many words of encouragement and inspiration. Jazakum Allah khairan.

 

[nyerekareem]

:salam2:

i can relate to your thread, because i had left the fold of islam before. only to return to it later, alhamdulillah.

here is the main reason why it happened:

i was hanging out only with non-muslims. which in turn began making become a non-muslim. i greatly desired having muslim friends, but the truth is no one befriended me at the masjid and i also was limited in my availability to attend the masjid. when you only associate with the non believers you begin to pick up their kufr habits and see these thing as normal and you forget to fear ALLAH SWT. they begin to tell you that islam is too strict and so forth. then you begin to believe it.

i eventually was experimenting with different faiths because i always had a yearning to really know God. however, i never forgot anything about islam and it's teachings so when i was studying hinduism, buddhism, christianity and even judaism, i always recalled the teachings of islam because islam would always be able to beat these religions in a debate. i just didn't go back to islam earlier because i was loving my sin and i had someone that died for my sins that will take my blame.

i really began getting out of line to the point where i was even mocking islam and the Prophet ( SAAWS ). being brainwashed to believe that islam was demonic, evil, false, violent and even worshippers of a moon god. believe me, this is what any bible believing evangelical church is preaching in america. i was just going with the flow even though i knew these things weren't true at all.

but then something happened....

the danish newspaper JYLLANDS POSTEN published terrible images of the Prophet. even though i had syopped practicing islam i became angry upon the news and seeing the images, because deep down inside that i knew the Prophet SAAWS was not evil and i knew islam really was the truth and i had to stop denying the truth and go back to where i needed to be. that's my story.

 

[BrotherKhalid]

:salam2:

i can relate to your thread, because i had left the fold of islam before. only to return to it later, alhamdulillah.

here is the main reason why it happened:

i was hanging out only with non-muslims. which in turn began making become a non-muslim. i greatly desired having muslim friends, but the truth is no one befriended me at the masjid and i also was limited in my availability to attend the masjid. when you only associate with the non believers you begin to pick up their kufr habits and see these thing as normal and you forget to fear ALLAH SWT. they begin to tell you that islam is too strict and so forth. then you begin to believe it.

i eventually was experimenting with different faiths because i always had a yearning to really know God. however, i never forgot anything about islam and it's teachings so when i was studying hinduism, buddhism, christianity and even judaism, i always recalled the teachings of islam because islam would always be able to beat these religions in a debate. i just didn't go back to islam earlier because i was loving my sin and i had someone that died for my sins that will take my blame.

i really began getting out of line to the point where i was even mocking islam and the Prophet ( SAAWS ). being brainwashed to believe that islam was demonic, evil, false, violent and even worshippers of a moon god. believe me, this is what any bible believing evangelical church is preaching in america. i was just going with the flow even though i knew these things weren't true at all.

but then something happened....

the danish newspaper JYLLANDS POSTEN published terrible images of the Prophet. even though i had syopped practicing islam i became angry upon the news and seeing the images, because deep down inside that i knew the Prophet SAAWS was not evil and i knew islam really was the truth and i had to stop denying the truth and go back to where i needed to be. that's my story.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. You know something? Even though I had supposedly left Islam, it still made my blood boil when I heard or read lies about the Prophet (peace be upon him), and any time anyone ever said anything negative about Islam, it hurt and often angered me, even though I may have smiled and nodded along with it. And I never let go of some practices I learnt from Islam especially related to hygiene.

Wa salam.

 

[IHearIslam]

:salam2: brother Khalid

I first welcome you to TTI, and to this family
may you enjoy and benefit from your stay here, ameen
may we benefit from you!ameen

I must say alot was covered from my dear brothers and sisters who have posted before me, may Allah reward them all for their effort in helping you.ameen

I dont have alot to say for I too am not knowledgable in Islam and currently learning as much as I can here on the web and other places. may Allah make it easy for each and everyone of us.ameen

But I agree with the post of a_Muslimah86 and REVERT2007
you have to be sencere of Islam. Learn about Allah......wallahi that's going to help BIG time, when a person knows who Allah is THEY'LL NEVER daubt Him or His religion! with everything they read about Him, their love will grow and grow and grow! until Allah becomes their one and only love! so please learn about your creator........His attributes, His mercy, His everything.
:tti_sister:I ask Allah to make this journey easy for you,I ask Allah to accept you and make you among His pious slaves, forgive your sins and safe guard you from all evil and haraam!ameen,ameen,ameen

 

[BrotherKhalid]

:salam2: brother Khalid

I first welcome you to TTI, and to this family
may you enjoy and benefit from your stay here, ameen
may we benefit from you!ameen

I must say alot was covered from my dear brothers and sisters who have posted before me, may Allah reward them all for their effort in helping you.ameen

I dont have alot to say for I too am not knowledgable in Islam and currently learning as much as I can here on the web and other places. may Allah make it easy for each and everyone of us.ameen

But I agree with the post of a_Muslimah86 and REVERT2007
you have to be sencere of Islam. Learn about Allah......wallahi that's going to help BIG time, when a person knows who Allah is THEY'LL NEVER daubt Him or His religion! with everything they read about Him, their love will grow and grow and grow! until Allah becomes their one and only love! so please learn about your creator........His attributes, His mercy, His everything.
:tti_sister:I ask Allah to make this journey easy for you,I ask Allah to accept you and make you among His pious slaves, forgive your sins and safe guard you from all evil and haraam!ameen,ameen,ameen

Thank you very much for your words of encouragement, jazakum Allah khair.
May God bless and reward all of you for your efforts and kindness.