Getting divorced

Discussion in 'TurnToIslam Lounge !' started by mehwish_101, Nov 21, 2009.

  1. mehwish_101
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    mehwish_101 Junior Member

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    :salam2:

    I hope you are all fine, i have a great problem at my hands. One of my really close friends(a girl ofcourse) may be divorced soon because of problems she is having with her married life. She was married 2 1/2 years ago to a guy who came here on her spouse visa. He is a nice man, does whatever he can to provide for the 2 of them. The problem is my friend has been very mean to her husband lately. She keeps him inline by putting pressure on him in every possible way. Doesn't give hime time as she works part time(just to stay away from home, this i know). She is very good with us friends but as i said, she does everything she can to keep her husband in line. She is rude to him, always pinching in matters of little or no value, creating an atmosphere of restlesness. She never does any housework or cooking and her husband has to take care of that as well as his job.

    All these years her husband has tried to make her realize that she is stepping on his toes and not giving him his rights as the leader of the family and is mistreating him but she never bothered until recently when she packed up her things and went to her parents after a heated argument waiting for her husband to come a apologize regardless of whose mistake it was as she has done many times previously, only this time she has recieved a letter from her husband's lawyer informing her that her husband is going to divorce her. The men in the family have tried to advise her husband to give up such intentions and try to make this work but he is not listening to anyone saying that he has been mistreated long enough and he is leaving her for good as Islam gave him this right to divorce a rebellious wife after he has tried his level best to make it work.

    I am in a dilemma, what should i tell her? Should i say that she should not have mistreated her husband and given him his islamic right of final say even when he was dependent on her for his immigration status and should have been obedient as is the order of Allah (swt) or to accept the situation as she would laugh and tell me how she keeps her husband in line and i should do the same and don't act like a slave of my husband. I take pride in being good and soft to my husband and hurry to please him, he doesn't earn much but i am grateful to him as he is my ameer, my husband and by the way, my husband was on my dependent visa when he came here, he doesn't need it now but i know, inshallah he won't leave me for for mountain of gold.

    I feel very sorry for her because her husband is not the least interested in her anymore.
    What can we do to soften her husband's heart towards her again..

    ws
  2. Julie1134
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    Julie1134 Junior Member

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    Maybe the question should be what can you do to help soften her heart. If he has tried and nothing works it may be best for them to go their own way. They do not have children correct? It really would be best for them to talk with an Imam.
  3. Julie1134
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    Julie1134 Junior Member

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    By the way try not to take sides it is best. Salam
  4. Basicofislam
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    Basicofislam sister

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    :salam2: I feel you should tell her what you wrote on this thread.
  5. Shamim56
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    Shamim56 Muslim Brother

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    Well theres something they gotta like in each other. Well like id always reccomend, Make Duaa for her because Allah is All Powerful, And Most Merciful. I dont know what to say really but thats my best reccomendation to you and your friend.

    Sorry if i wasnt much of help :(

    May Allah Help your Friend in her hardship, Ameen.
  6. rightpath_357
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    rightpath_357 Junior Member

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    I'm sorry sis- but u REALLY need to break it to her! Tell her that "Keeping her husband in line" is like putting him in a miniture hell of a cage- and he has the right in Islam to divorce her. Also encourage her to change her ways and apolagize.:hearts:
  7. Aisya al-Humaira
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    Aisya al-Humaira الحمدلله على كل حال

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    :salam2: wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
    i pray that Allah put peace and happiness in our heart aminn
    ukhti
    if its ok, may i know why she is treating her husband in such ways?
    is it becos that she doesnt have any feelings for him anymore??
    well this is what i only think and plis forgive me if i said anything that might be wrong
    i think regardless of how one's doesnt have feelings for her husband anymore
    she should try her best in saving her marriage-make it as happy as she can
    unless if she thinks that if she stay in the marriage, it will only cause nushuz to her husband- then divorce is like the last solution
    wallahua'lam
    i think even in getting divorce one should pray istikharah- cos only Allah knows the best solution
    might be that something that we like isnt good for Allah, and might be something that we dont like is the best for us
    wallahua'lam
    i pray to Allah that everything will get smooth soon aminn :tti_sister:
  8. Sulikha
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    Sulikha Tawakal-Allal-Allah

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    :salam2:

    BismiAllah,:astag: Sister make du'a and be just between them. May Allah help them and all the muslims, some people are forgetting the greatest gift that Allah give them [health, food, home,,,,] I think you should remind your freind that.
  9. mehwish_101
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    mehwish_101 Junior Member

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    she does have feelings for him and this is the reason that she is so upset and crying because she doesn't want a divorce. But she wants rights as western women, rights like feminist women. So she thought that the best way to have her way was to try to make it hard for her husband run things smoothly and... i dont know...when I gave her islamic books to study on the topic she said she believes that whats in the books is right as it references to the hadith but says that men have misinterpreted them to keep women their slaves. Little knowledge is a dangerous thing and people advising her on this like her sister are causing more problems by telling her that what she did was right and her husband has no right to divorce her.
  10. Aisya al-Humaira
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    Aisya al-Humaira الحمدلله على كل حال

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    :salam2:
    erm no sis
    by thinking that making it hard for her husband is the women rights in islam, that is totally wrong
    a woman who lets her husband go out to work for the family, make dua's for him and take care of the house- by just doing that she is given a lot of rewards from Allah :ma:
    in a hadeeth it says that 'when a woman prays 5 times a day, fast in the month of ramadhan, take care of her private part (chastity) and obey her husband, then she is to choose any doors of jannah' -if anyone can clarify the hadeeth for me, be my pleasure
    but thats what i remember the content of the hadeeth
    one also said that we woman, easy to enter jannah and also easy to go to naar (hell) - nau'zubillahimin zalik
    just my humbe opinion sis
    just do ur best talking to her-talk with the best words u can say with alhikmah
    inshaAllah the rest is up to Allah after such efforts is done but nothing much change
    take care ukhti
    :wasalam:
  11. slaveofAllah88
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    slaveofAllah88 Slave of Allah (swt)

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    aslam o alaikum wr wb,

    sister Mehwish 1st of all, dont feel offended when i say this but Where were all of you friends when she was doing this to her husband?
    Everyone needed to be strict with her and tell her what she is doing, its so important a true friend should have helped her in watever way.
    ANd she kinda brought this upon herself, and she is the only one who can fix this, her husband probably reached his limit and doesn't want to be pushed around anymore.
    I think she is the one who needs to realize the mistake she made and really ask Allah to forgive her and her husband and Inshallah her husband will take her back

    I pray the best for her ameen
  12. palestine
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    palestine Servant of Allah

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    Wow! talk about a wife, subhanAllah - well ukhti, does she now realize how wrong she was? or is she still searchign for that western impression of so called freedom? i know she's your friend but honestlly, from the way you described her, it doesn't seem like she's ready for change or maybe she is and if she is, she should repent and ask her husband for forgiveness for what she put him through. she didn't know how lucky she was to have someone be patient with her for soo long. may Allah guide her and soften her heart. ameen.
    as a friend, you should tell her the truth. that she was in the wrong and that she needs to repent. if she truly loves him, she'll do what it takes to get him back. take care. wasalamu alaikum.
  13. mehwish_101
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    mehwish_101 Junior Member

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    :salam2:
    She is not ready for a change, even now, she blames her husband for being impatient and rude to her. And as for the post no 10, i am not offended at all, i was her friend and did give her books to read on how to be soft and be a good wife, books about the prophets wives' life and such. Today my husband went to see her husband to try once more to persuade him to not divorce her but he told my husband was shocking. My husband came home with his jaw dropped and had red ears and face. When he asked him to forgive and be a bit more patient, her husband said that he has been sworn at with contempt countless times by his wife. I was really ashamed of calling her my friend infront of my husband and only words that i said were i would not swear or say such words even if he said them to me (he has never said anything like this to me).

    I would like to take this opportunity to say something about my practice at home, it might help some sisters as it has helped me secure a special relationship with my husband.

    I take care of his house, keep it clean and tidy.
    I cook for him, wash for him and make sure his clothes are ready and ironed. I dont spend from his money even though he has allowed me to, unless its absolutely necessary, besides, he never forgets to take care of me.
    If he comes back home angry (he is always angry when he is back) from his office, i just stay quiet, don't ask him any kind of questions and just smile and listen to him, after a few mins he starts smiling too :)
    He has never found me or my things untidy or unpresentable or smelly for that matter so he takes care of himself to return the favor.
    I aplogize even if it was his mistake and dont expect an apology, he has a big ego and I dont want him feel pinned.
    I never stop him from disciplining our son, I never kiss and hug our son after he has been clipped for something really bad by his father (who by the way loves his son more than his life and it seldom happens), after all he is the father and he is doing it for our son's and our good.
    And last but not the least, I always make him feel that HE IS OUR ULTIMATE LEADER after Allah's law.

    Some people might call it slavery but infact I can say that with the grace of Allah, i have tasted such sweetness of marriage which only 1 in a 1000 couples would.

    My husband has said that if my friend gets divorced, i will have to stop talking to her as he doesn't want a bad friend for his wife which could influence his 'hoor' of a wife (i just love it when he calls me that) and if he says so, then he is the leader and I will obey for on judgement day, i will be asked about my disobedience to my husband and i have already tried my best to help my friend. May Allah help her...

    :wasalam:
  14. nizar83
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    aselemu aleikum...its very sad to see a fellow human and fellow muslim acting exactly the opposite of what islam and the sunnah teaches us...very sad...

    if i was to be this man, may ALLAH reward him for his patience,...i would have given up a long time ago...i marry inshallah to find rest and comfort in my wife...not for the contrary..mashallah

    may ALLAH ta3ala easen their hearts..ameen
  15. Al-Kashmiri
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    Al-Kashmiri Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    As-salaamu `alaykum

    I do agree with this advise. Maybe you could exhort her with some ahaadeeth about the reward of obedience and the sin of disobedience? As others have said, try to be in the middle, but without falling short on being with the truth. Your friend needs to know that what she is doing is wrong, but it's how you get that across to her that matters. And at a time when she is crying and concerned, she may be more open and receptive to solving the issue.

    Sorry, but what woman of sense and sanity, thinks that the best means of having things her way, is to make things not run smoothly for the husband? Not only is this flawed intellectually, but it is purely evil. If she wants to have Western rights, well then, this is the product of the Western rights she has sought; a bad marriage, a foul tongue, running away from responsibility etc. In essence, that is what so-called western rights lead to. She has tried to live by them and has harmed her marriage, her deen and her life.

    Maybe you could inform her, that her resort to these pathetic feminist values has lead her to this situation, and only one thing, if added into their marriage life will rectify this. Obedience to the Qur'aan and Sunnah. Don't be too harsh, and too "supportive" of her husband as she may think you are taking sides. Show her that obedience to her husband is in essence, obedience to Allaah. Illustrate the difference of her life, how the more she seeks non-Islamic values, feminism and Western culture, the more she is ruining her marriage. Compare it with someone of a similar background to her, but whose marriage is garmed in the clothes of the Qur'aan and Sunnah, and how their life is one of happiness, a true sense of family is present and that shared/different responsibilities of the husband and wife aid one another and encourage a healthy family, unlike feminist values, which only confirm with her desires. She is running away from "being a slave", but in doing so, she is trying to be a master. The prophet sall-Allaahu `alayhi wasallam said,

    "None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother, what he loves for himself."

    Yet in this case, it is her own husband involved. She loves not to be a slave, but is showing with her actions that she is happy with her own husband being one. This doesn't make any sense. If she is being oppressed in anyway, then becoming an oppressor doesn't rectify a matter, justice does. That is what feminism is encouraging, assuming power under the guise of equality.

    Allaah knows best, this is a very sad situation. I feel sorry for this sister, and her husband too. Yet I can't help to think that any woman who behaves like this, deserves this and in fact, needs this. Sometimes, it takes a divorce for someone to actually change and realise where they've gone wrong. It's sad I know, but I have seen it happen with the many divorces etcetera that took place in my household as I was growing up.

    I don't know how relevant this is, but I sometimes begin my Salaah with this du`aa, asking Allaah for guidance in matters of dispute between ourselves. Maybe if the couple uses it at this time, things will be become a bit more clear, by Allaah's leave,

    ‘O Allaah, Lord of Jibraa’eel, Meekaa’eel and Israafeel (great angels), Creator of the heavens and the Earth, Knower of the seen and the unseen. You are the arbitrator between Your servants in that which they have disputed. Guide me to the truth by Your leave, in that which they have differed, for verily You guide whom You will to a straight path.’​


    See this link for the Arabic, http://makedua.com/display_dua.php?sectionid=16

    I pray sincerely in these days in which Allaah has favoured worship, that he rectifies this situation, forgives the two of them and unites them upon good. And that he forgives you and your husband, myself, and all the believers, ameen.
  16. Imad
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    Assalamoelaikoem warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

    May Allah bless you oghti for your effort in pleasing your husband and also in helping other muslims. In the western world and also in islamic countries many muslim women have been influenced by the so called "feminists". This is very dangerous for the marital relationship. I really hope that muslim men and women follow the islamic teachings. This will insha Allah decrease the amount of divorces. To the muslimas i say what the sister before me have mentioned:

    إذا صلت المرأة خمسها و صامت شهرها و حفظت فرجها و أطاعت زوجها قيل لها : ادخلي من أي أبواب الجنة شئت

    And i also say to the moslim men:

    استوصوا بالنساء خيرا


    Fi amanillah Wassalamoelaikoem warahmatullahi wbarakatuh
  17. azmirush
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    azmirush Junior Member

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    :salam2:

    Sorry but i think your friend like asking for it to happen. She was the one who started the whole thing, treating her husband that way. No communication going on? That is a main reason for a marriage failure, I think.

    Allah knows best.:wasalam:
  18. Seeking Allah's Mercy
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    Seeking Allah's Mercy Qul HuwaAllahu Ahud!

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    well sister since she's your friend i hope you don't get offended but she's getting what she deserved.if she's having an ounce of humanity she should opologise to her husband.she's really lucky to have a husband like that guy.and it's her fault that she let him slip through her fingers just because she wanted westernized femnist freedom.

    however it's never too late to learn.she should forget about her pride and so called freedom for once and try to save her home.

    it's sad muslim girls get trap by the so called freedom crap.islam has provided us with more then enough.but we are so ignorant.

    ya ALLAH help this sister.save their home and guide us all to the best path.

    btw sister may ALLAH keep your sweet family happy :SMILY139:and peaceful always.inshallah:tti_sister:ameen
  19. mehwish_101
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    mehwish_101 Junior Member

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    :salam2:
    thanks for your help and support. You know what, surprisingly, my husband seems to be unhappy with me since he heard that my friend has been swearing at her husband and is a hardcore feminist. He told me that he is dubious about me, like what if I will try and behave like my friend. I don't blame him, he said that one is known by the company one keeps, so if I have friends like her, even after i knew what she was doing to her husband and when she has been in denial of his rights even after all of us friends trying to convince her, then i might have been influenced by her. Wow! I didn't know where that came from in his mind but he is right. As of now, she has clearly stated that she won't go back to her husband unless he begs on his knees (for what? for being a good husband ?) which is not going to happen in a million years as he is in a hurry to get rid of her. So, next time she calls, my husband has asked me to break to her that its over between me and her, although it breaks my heart and sounds a bit rude but nothing is more important to me than sweetness of my family and love of my husband and i dont want bitterness with my husband for a woman who has destroyed her home already and the shadow of this disaster is already effecting my household.

    Thanks again for you help and support, Plz plz plz, if you are married and have impatient husband, its your duty to please him, if he doesn't return the favor immediately, he will in a few years, trust me, its experience talking. Even if you are not married yet, you will come across some of the diffculties of marriage, everyone does. DON'T BE A FEMINIST, its a lucrative idea but we are what we are, women, wives, daughters, sisters, mothers. We are sugars in hectic lives of men, don't take their sugar away and make it miserable for them.

    :wasalam:

    P.S. she isn't going to give in because she is surrounded by a feminist family who treat their husbands like dirt, so you know what i am talking about.
  20. D.Ahmed
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    D.Ahmed Believer

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    :salam2:

    Well in that case If I was the poor bloke I would get the divorce, No brother or sister should take any humiliation like that from their spouses! At the end of the day it's her loss and I hope she does regret it all when she reflects on it later when its all said and done.

    :wasalam:

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