:salam2:
Someone I knew for years hurt me very deeply...they did it for years on end..things used to get better..and they did for a while..they promised they'd make things right..but now we're back where we were..it's actually WORST now and I'm worried that because I am so fed up..I have earned a grudging heart as a result..because I am having such INTENSE anger towards them..I would get so angry that my heart paces as if I'm running a marathon! (not even exaggerating!)..
I keep saying *hasbiya allah wa ne'ema al wakeel* (Allah is Sufficient for me, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs)...but sometimes..ao'otho billah...I enjoy the thought of that person possibly failing at something or suffering with another :shymuslima1:..I stop myself when I realize the horridness of what I am thinking about..but I still get this sort of thoughts
So I don't know...is this grudge?..am I holding grudges?...tell me..and be *very honest* please..I think that might help me because..
I want to snap out of it..I feel that grudge should not dwell in the heart of a Muslim..and many times I hate myself because I think that Allah (swt) could be displeased with me...but then I think well I have been hurt sooo much..and such and such
So you see???...it's a cycle of wanting that person to suffer like I do everyday (especially when remembering the times they hurt me and still do) and fear of Allah for thinking of such evil towards another person..
I have confronted the person COUNTLESS times!..but nothing seems to help..they don't even care about what I say..they ignore it..and that contributes to everything I ALREADY feel!..that's why I am asking for help in identifying if this is FULL-FLEDGED grudge..and possibly finding a solution to it..*sigh*
Someone I knew for years hurt me very deeply...they did it for years on end..things used to get better..and they did for a while..they promised they'd make things right..but now we're back where we were..it's actually WORST now and I'm worried that because I am so fed up..I have earned a grudging heart as a result..because I am having such INTENSE anger towards them..I would get so angry that my heart paces as if I'm running a marathon! (not even exaggerating!)..
I keep saying *hasbiya allah wa ne'ema al wakeel* (Allah is Sufficient for me, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs)...but sometimes..ao'otho billah...I enjoy the thought of that person possibly failing at something or suffering with another :shymuslima1:..I stop myself when I realize the horridness of what I am thinking about..but I still get this sort of thoughts
So I don't know...is this grudge?..am I holding grudges?...tell me..and be *very honest* please..I think that might help me because..
I want to snap out of it..I feel that grudge should not dwell in the heart of a Muslim..and many times I hate myself because I think that Allah (swt) could be displeased with me...but then I think well I have been hurt sooo much..and such and such
So you see???...it's a cycle of wanting that person to suffer like I do everyday (especially when remembering the times they hurt me and still do) and fear of Allah for thinking of such evil towards another person..
I have confronted the person COUNTLESS times!..but nothing seems to help..they don't even care about what I say..they ignore it..and that contributes to everything I ALREADY feel!..that's why I am asking for help in identifying if this is FULL-FLEDGED grudge..and possibly finding a solution to it..*sigh*