Help Me Guys

[Smarty]

Assalam-o-alaikum wa rehmatullahe wa barakatuhu everyone
I am new member of this forum
I have just registered myself one minute back
I just have a question which i wanna ask
Is it right to make boyfriends in Islam???Can one girl meet her boyfriend even not telling her parents....And what is the punishment for that girl who has made a boyfriend...Secondly are they be punished who hide this truth from one's worried mother whose daughter is in love with stranger very madly and also meet him n stuffs and the daughter is not married
I know having any relations with a man is forbade in Islam befor marriage yet again i wanna know about the punishment n stuffs so that i can make her to avoid this evil

 

[umm hussain]

asalam alaikum

It is Haraam (strictly prohibited) for a boy to have a girlfriend and for a girl to have a boyfriend.

Any type of contact including dating between a Ghayr Mahram (not prohibited in marriage) male and female without a valid Shar’ee excuse falls in the category of Zina (adultery) which is a major sin and incurs the wrath and anger of Allah Ta’ala upon the individual.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

I think the fact that a person will incur the wrath or punishment from Allah should be enough to stop someone who is sincere because no one who trully fears Allah questions, what sort of punishment is it going to be? To me a punishment is a punishment and we should fear it even if it might not sound like something 'big'.

I dont know the particular punishment for having a boyfriend, but having boyfriends normally leads to Zina and fornication which are in themselves major sins and anything that leads to haram is haram as far as I understand it.

 

[ibn azem]

THE GIRLFRIEND-BOYFRIEND RELATIONSHIP

"In Islam, there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are not."

By Amatullah Islam

PART 1 - Preventing the Girlfriend-Boyfriend Relationship​

Zina (fornication) has become a common place occurrence within the Muslim Youth community, and the Muslim girls and boys have sadly fallen prey to the snares of Western society. You may wonder how can such a situation occur when most Muslim parents virtually put their children under 'lock and key'. The answer is that although most parents are strict where their children are concerned, they do not take the time to talk and explain to them about the seriousness of Zina. Instead, they give a Fatwa of "no boyfriend" when their daughters reach puberty. Such an action is like ordering a two year old child not to touch the power point. What do you think the child will do?
The following article highlights ways in which we can teach our children to shun this corrupt act.


In Islam, there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are not. This is what we have to ingrain into our children at the early stage. We should not wait for them to come to us when they are teenagers to ask about girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. At this late stage, even if we forbid them to have such a relationship, how certain are we that they will obey us if they are smitten by someone? Hence, it is important that we teach our children that the only time a girl or boy can have a relationship with a non-Mahatma (non-Mahatma is someone whom they can marry) is when they are married! Furthermore, if a girl or boy enters into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship then he/she is entering into a pre-marital relationship.


At the teenage level, we should not be shy to teach them the severity of pre-marital relationship. We need to make them understand that that pre-marital relationships are like the extra-marital relationships, or what is commonly known as adultery or 'an affair'. It ruins the community by corrupting the people. It unleashes base desires that, once allowed free-reign, will destroy families. We can quote to them the examples of illegitimate and abandoned children, broken homes, abortions, and sexual diseases - the list goes on. We should also point out to them the punishment for sexual relationships outside of marriage: Ibn Masoud (r.a.a) related that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "The blood of a Muslim may not be legally spilt other than in one of three instances: the married person who commits adultery, a life for a life, and one who forsakes his religion and abandons the community." [Bukhari and Muslim]. In other words, the married person who commits adultery is to be killed by stoning to death [Muslim]. But what about the unmarried person who has sexual relationships? Rest assured that this person will not go unpunished - he or she is to be caned or whipped one hundred times [Muslim]. Even in the Hereafter, the punishment is severe: the Prophet (s.a.w) saw adulterers, men and women, in a baking oven in Hellfire [Bukhari].


At this stage your teenage child may say that girlfriend-boyfriend relationships need not go as far as the sexual act; that they can control themselves and simply enjoy each others company. To counter this, you say that it is a fact when a girl and a boy are alone together, their sexual desires awaken and before they know it, they will be doing things that are not permissible between unmarried people. The reason for this is because Shaytaan will be the third person with them [Ahmad] and he will whisper and tempt them with the forbidden. This is why Islam shuns all avenues leading to corruption of the mind, body and soul.
Something else we must teach them is to restrain their desires. We can do so by giving them examples of the rewards for doing so, such as the person who controls his lust will be among people who Allah bestows mercy upon:
Abu Hurairah (r.a.a) narrated that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said that among the seven persons whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day (of Judgement) when there is no shade except His Shade, is a man who is tempted by a beautiful woman and refuses to respond for fear of Allah. [Bukhari and Muslim].


Below are more points on how to help your child, at an early age, to be chaste so that when he/she is older, he/she can avoid getting into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. First, you must talk and explain to them these things when they are young, then when they are older, you make sure that it is put into practice.
You must teach him or her to:


1. Not to freely mix with the opposite sex.


2. Not to look at the opposite sex. This is done by lowering or averting their eyes as Allah tells us: "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and protect their private parts..." [24:30-31] Furthermore, Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "...do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second." [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhi]. What this means is that the first look is by accident. If this happens then do not take a second look. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) also said that the eyes also commit adultery by looking at someone with lust. [Bukhari]


3. For girls, teach them not to make their voices seductive or sweet in front of non-Mahatma. This is done by lowering the voice and not flirting. As Allah tells the wives of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) "...do not be too pleasant of speech, lest one in whose heart there is a disease should feel desire for you..." [33:32]


4. Last but not least, teach them to wear appropriate clothing so as not to draw attention to themselves. That is, girls should wear Hijabs and loose clothing while boys should also wear loose clothing, not the tight jeans or pants with T-shirt tucked in. It is sad that, often, parents allow their children to wear the so called fashion clothing which, in most cases, do not meet the requirement of acceptable Islamic dress code. What is even sadder is to see Muslim mothers covering themselves properly walking with their uncovered teenage daughters and sons.


5. It is important that we start teaching our children the need to feel modesty, especially around the opposite sex. Regarding shyness, we should use the Prophet (s.a.w) as an example: Abu Said Al Khudri (r.a.a) reported that the Prophet (s.a.w) was more shy than a virgin in her own room. [Bukhari] If we instill this into them at an early age then, Insha' Allah, whenever they are near the vicinity of the opposite sex, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with help from us, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called 'the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship'.

PART 2 - How to deal with a Girlfriend-Boyfriend Relationship?​

In the last article the author talked about taking preventative measures to ensure that when your child is older, he or she will not be caught in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. However, if your child is already a teenager or those methods did not work, and you are now facing this dilemma, there is still hope of rectifying it. Most parents react with extremity upon discovering that their daughter is in a girlfriend-boyfriend situation: they lock her in her room and forbid her to see the boy again. What would be the reaction from the girl when she is faced with this? She would rebel. That is, she would do the opposite of what the parents say and, in extreme cases, run away from home. If this is not how parents want it to end, they must tread lightly. Do everything with a light touch because teenagers respond better to it. At any signs of heavy-handedness, teenagers rebel.
The first step in any bridge-building is to talk. Calmly talk to your daughter to understand why she is having a boyfriend.


What led to this?


There are many reasons why girls seek out boys. The first culprit that parents point the accusing finger at, is the girl's raging hormones. This may be true in some girls but not all. There are girls who have raging hormones but who can control themselves, and then there are girls who do not have raging hormones but who still pursue the opposite sex.
Therefore, what are some other possible reasons for the girl's behavior?
Peer pressure is one. When all her friends and school mates have boyfriends, she feels compelled to follow suit. If she does not have a boyfriend of her own then she feels left out because she cannot fit in with their after school activities and cannot join in their conversations. What makes it worse is that everyone will see her as a "geek".


Another reason is if she is undertaking a popularity contest. She competes with other girls in attaining as many boyfriends as she can to see who will be the popularity queen. These contests also occur because it is seen that only popular girls have boyfriends. Boredom often drives a girl into the arms of a boy. She sees her life as monotonous and so searches for thrill and excitement with the boy. Or perhaps her self-esteem is low, so she depends on him to make her feel desirable and wanted.


Yet another reason is that she needs to be loved. She seeks her parents love but cannot access it, therefore, she seeks it elsewhere. Similar to this is if she is seeking her parents attention. She defies them in seeking a boyfriend so that she can have their attention. Any attention to her is better than no attention. The difference between the need for love and the need for attention is that the former does it passively. If she cannot get it from her parents then she goes elsewhere. Whereas the latter demands it from her parents. There could be other reasons or the reasons could be a combination of the above. However, whatever the reason or reasons may be, parents need to identify and understand it. This is easier than it sounds as parents have a tendency of triggering their daughters to clam up.
How to approach them?


When parents talk, care needs to be taken so as not to become accusative ("You did this to...") and judgmental ("You are so..."), otherwise it will end up like a police interrogation ("Why did you...?"). This only adds to their daughter's defiance. Also, to keep her self-esteem intact, avoid using "should", "don't" and all other negative words. Talking effectively also means to know when to listen. This includes not only hearing but understanding. To understand what has been said, parents need to clarify it ("Do you mean...?"), acknowledge it ("You feel... because...") and empathize with it ("You sound really..."). When the teenager feels that her parents understand her, she will be encouraged to confide in them and explain why she does things and how she feels about it. And as I said earlier, by understanding, parents will get the full picture and will then know which appropriate action to take. Also, if parents want to be listened to by their children, they need to model good listening skills. Children tend to do as parents do rather than as parents say. So now is always a good time to start practicing these skills.


Insecurity


Looking closer at the above reasons, parents will see that the underlying factor is that the girl feels insecure about herself. Her self-esteem is low and so she relies on the boy to make her feel good about herself. The root of falling into the trap of peer-pressures, popularity contests, the need to be wanted and loved, and to have attention, is insecurity. If this is the case then give her the love and attention that she needs. Show and tell her that you love her despite her "bad" behaviors, and yet you will not tolerate them. Teach her how to feel good about herself and her religion. Build her self-esteem by acknowledging her good behaviors and achievements or her attempts to achieve (and not focusing on failures). Assign her challenging tasks and stimulating activities. This also applies to the bored daughter.
Take her to teenage Islamic gatherings and camps. Encourage her to make new Muslim friends. As to the one with raging hormones who cannot control herself, ask her if she would like to marry (but do not force it upon her).


Certainly, remind her that it is the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship that cannot be approved and teach her (again) about Islam's position with regards to this. Lastly, provide Muslim role models for her. Stories about those women who guard their chastity and piety are rewarded for doing so. Maryam, mother of Prophet Eesa (a.s), is one great example.
Don't forget about the boys


Having taken care of the daughter, I will now focus attention on the son. It is ironical that parents react as if there is a death in the family when their daughter engages in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. But when it is the son who is in a similar or worse position, the same parents are complacent,. feel that the boy needs to have experience and enjoy himself first before he can settle down and marry. It is as if the daughter alone carries the honor of the family.


Honor needs to be distributed evenly among the family if it is to be kept intact. This means the father, mother, son and daughter must each guard their own honor. If the father or mother loses his or her honor then they are providing the role model for their children. And if the son loses his honor and goes unpunished then the daughter will see this as a hypocritical act and consequently rebels. For any mediating action to work on the daughter, parents must be consistent on their son as well. Look to the reasons why girls pursue boys then parents will see that those are the same ones that propel boys into the arms of girls.


Abu-Mujahid

 

[zarah]

Assalamu Alaikum

:salam2:

WeLcOmE!

Boyfriend......Defo NO!

P.S Mashallah good advice given above.

 

[Noor to shine]

:salam2:

Allah said in Quran:

“But as for him who feared standing before his Lord, and restrained himself from impure evil desires and lusts.Verily, Paradise will be his abode”
[79:40-41]

I think the following argument wriitten by a muslem scholar is helping:

Faith in Allah and fear of Allah provide a safety valve and protect a person against committing haram actions and following whims and desires.

If the believer becomes aware that Allah is always watching and if he ponders the meanings of His names and attributes, such as the All-Knowing, the All-Hearing, the All-Seeing, the Watchful, the Reckoner, the Preserver, the All-Encompassing, that will generate fear of Him in secret and in public, and will put a stop to disobedience towards Allah, and will reduce the strength of desire that leads many people to commit haram actions.
:astag: :astag: :astag:

 

[Smarty]

Assalam-o-alaikum wa rehmatullah -e- wa barakata hu
Thanks everyone
I wanna share something
I help someone in meeting her boyfriend
Had I done a sin???
I am very afraid
I am not that type of girl who wish to make boyfriends
neither i have nor i had and inshallah ta allah i wont have it
But I am worried of my help to her
I threatened her that i will expose her n she is not talking to me now
I had say sorry but she said No
I only wanna ask what can I do
Allah knows better that I dont have any intentions of making boyfriend
Although there are no restrictions on me to not use net etc
but i am very glad that masha allah i m not kinda that type
She stills love him
I am very afraid

 

[umm hussain]

asalam alaikum

It is said do not help each other in sin and transgression, so by you helping someone to look for a boyfriend, in my opinion you are helping that person sin even if you yourself are not doing it, you too will be punished for your contribution, and Allah knows best

If anyone sees an evil stop it with your hand, if you cant do that then stop it with your mouth and if you cant hate it within yourself(or words to that effect) and this is the lowest level of Imaan.

 

[Noor to shine]

But now since your realized your mistake repent to Allah swt , never do it again and try to advise your friend with kind words that what is she doing is Haram ....and that you were mistaken, and i hope that Allah will reward you for your repantance and for not having silly relations with boys. Keep faith strong in your hearts ; It is a treasure and i think that you are a good girl.

 

[Smarty]

I know I am also involved in doing a sin
Can't write more
I wanna cry my heart out

 

[umm hussain]

CRY

Cry to Allah and make tawbah and do as NOOR TO SHINE has said

 

[Smarty]

yes i will
inshallah ta allah
allah will forgive me
coz he knows from core of my heart i am asking forgiveness

 

[Umm Aysha]

Asalaamu Alaykum

Welcome sister to tti.....

Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala is Most Forgiving......insha-Allah He will forgive you and us all ameen...

wasalam

 

[True]

Ameen for the above...

just go back to Allah azza Wa jal every time you are in trouble and have strong faith in him and sure he will guide you!

:salam2:

 

[Noor to shine]

Dear sister don`t worry you are on the correct path just continue ....try to wash your sins with repentance and good deeds.

Allah swt is calling all humans :

39:53 Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah. for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
Quran

 

[maymun]

ammatu allah

:salam2:

yes the parent protect their chn so much which is good but they are over protec and kidz hide everything from their parent and parents don't know what is happning in their chn' life when they get older becouse they never talk obout some stuffs <dont touch the fire > that is all they say, but if they say in a poosative way <dont touch if you do you'll burn you self> they'll understand more .
I saw a nice books writting by some sheiks which is talking about <usrah> family life accoding to quran and sunnah.so may parent read those books

Iam not a shaikhah or aaalim but all i can say.

sister is not too late u still have a chance insha allah go back to your allah, seek his forgiveness and REPENT to him and ask allah to guide u to the right path whomever he guides shall never go astray. may allah foregive us all allinsha aalah

 

[Smarty]

U all r right yesterday with all my heart n soul i ask for forgiveness i will continue it now too

 

[Mabsoot]

Assalamu alaykum,

May Allah help you and make things better for ALL the Ummah, Ameen.

see here:

true Love

The Marriage Process in Islam

wasalam.

 

[nafeesa]

:salam2:

If a girl loves a boy from afar, has she committed a sin?.
Love
Question:
If a girl loves a boy from afar, has she committed a sin?.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

Islam came to close the doors that lead to evil and sin, and is keen to block all the means that may lead to corruption of hearts and minds. Love and infatuation between the sexes are among the worst of problems.

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/129):

Love is a psychological sickness, and if it grows strong it affects the body, and becomes a physical sickness, either as diseases of the brain, which are said to be diseases caused by waswaas, or diseases of the body such as weakness, emaciation and so on. End quote.

And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/132):

Loving a non-mahram woman leads to many negative consequences, the full extent of which is known only to the Lord of people. It is a sickness that affects the religious commitment of the sufferer, then it may also affect his mind and body. End quote.

It is sufficient to note that one of the effects of love of a member of the opposite sex is enslavement of the heart which is held captive to the loved one. So love is a door that leads to humiliation and servility. That is sufficient to put one off this sickness.

Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/185):

If a man is in love with a woman, even if she is permissible for him, his heart remains enslaved to her, and she can control him as she wishes, even though outwardly he appears to be her master, because he is her husband; but in fact he is her prisoner and slave, especially if she is aware of his need and love for her. In that case, she will control him like a harsh and oppressive master controls his abject slave who cannot free himself from him. Rather he is worse off than that, because enslavement of the heart is worse than enslavement of the body. End quote.

Attachment to the opposite sex will not happen to a heart that is filled with love of Allaah; it only affects a heart that is empty and weak, so it is able to gain control of it, then when it becomes strong and powerful it is able to defeat the love of Allaah and lead the person into shirk. Hence it is said: Love is the action of an empty heart.

If the heart is devoid of the love and remembrance of the Most Merciful, and is a stranger to speaking to Him, it will be filled with love of women, images and listening to music.

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/135):

If the heart loves Allaah alone and is sincerely devoted to Him, it will not even think of loving anyone else in the first place, let alone falling in love. When a heart falls in love, that is due to the lack of love for Allaah alone. Hence because Yoosuf loved Allaah and was sincerely devoted to Him, he did not fall into the trap of love, rather Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Thus it was, that We might turn away from him evil and illegal sexual intercourse. Surely, he was one of Our chosen, (guided) slaves”

[Yoosuf 12:24]

As for the wife of al-‘Azeez, she was a mushrik as were her people, hence she fell into this trap. End quote.

The Muslim must save himself from this fate and not fall short in guarding against it and ridding himself of it. If he falls short in that regard and follows the path of love, by continuing to steal haraam glances or listening to haraam things, and being careless in the way he speaks to the opposite sex, etc, then he is affected by love as a result, then he is sinning and will be subject to punishment for his actions.


How many people have been careless at the beginning of this problem, and thought that they were able to rid themselves of it whenever they wanted, or that they could stop at a certain limit and not go any further, until the sickness took a strong hold and no doctor or remedy could help?

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (147):

If the cause happens by his choice, he has no excuse for the consequences that are beyond his control, but if the reason is haraam, the drunkard had no excuse. Undoubtedly following one glance with another and allowing oneself to keep thinking about the person is like drinking intoxicants: he is to be blamed for the cause. End quote.

If a person strives to keep away from the things that lead to this serious sickness, by lowering his gaze and not looking at haraam things, not listening to haraam things, and averting the passing thoughts that the shaytaan casts into his mind, then after that something of the evils of this sickness befalls him because of a passing glance or a transaction that is basically permissible, and his heart becomes attached to a woman, there is no sin on him for that in sha Allaah, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Allaah burdens not a person beyond his scope”

[al-Baqarah 2:286]

Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (11/10):

If that does not result from carelessness or transgression on his part, then there is no sin on him for what befalls him. End quote.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (147):

If love occurs for a reason that is not haraam, the person is not to be blamed, such as one who loved his wife or slave woman, then he separated from her but the love remained and did not leave him. He is not to be blamed for that. Similarly if there was a sudden glance then he averted his gaze, but love took hold of his heart without him meaning it to, he must, however, ward it off and resist it. End quote.

But he must treat his heart by putting a stop to the effects of this love, and by filling his heart with love of Allaah and seeking His help in that. He should not feel too shy to consult intelligent and trustworthy people for advice or consult some doctors and psychologists, because he may find some remedy with them. In doing that he must be patient, seek reward, remain chaste and keep quiet, and Allaah will decree reward for him in sha Allaah.

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/133):

If he is tested with love but he remains chaste and is patient, then he will be rewarded for fearing Allaah. It is known from shar’i evidence that if a person remains chaste and avoids haraam things in looking, word and deeds, and he keeps quiet about it and does not speak of it, so that there will be haraam talk about that, whether by complaining to another person or committing evil openly, or pursuing the beloved one in any way, and he is patient in obeying Allaah and avoiding sin, despite the pain of love that he feels in his heart, just as one who is afflicted with a calamity bears the pain of it with patience, then he will be one of those who fear Allaah and are patient, “Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost” [Yoosuf 12:90]. End quote.

And Allaah knows best.

:salam2:

 

[Smarty]

Thnx Everyone Again
Because your all posts are pieces of advise to me and i m sure that inshallah ta allah after acting upon these advices i will follow the right path....
After watching the story of her (whom i supported) i will definitely follow the right path inshallah ta allah
Well tell me onething i have told na she is not talking to me so i had say sorry but she refuses now what can i do????

 

[maymun]

asalaamu alaikum

yes i will
inshallah ta allah
allah will forgive me
coz he knows from core of my heart i am asking forgiveness

:salam2:
my dear sisrter in islam may allah eccept your repentace and forgive u and all of us :tti_sister:
walaahay no one is prefect in this world we all mike mistakes
but allhamdulilaah
khaira khadaa`uuna attawaabuuna
we love you sister
isha allah be strong and make dua for all muslims
and insha allah also if you have time go to the islamic centres near you to learn <DEEN> more, i personally go on staurdays islamic class, and and met beautiful sisters came from around the world. that i did't know before.