How far do you go to please your parents/in-laws?

[lozlg]

Assalam Alaikam, i am a practising white revert female and my husband is bangali. My brother in law is getting married next saturday insha'allah and yesterday i went round my husbands familys house for the mendi. My brother-in laws friends were there and their wifes. At one point everyone sat in the same room mixed and i tried to stay out in the corridor with another practising girl but my father in law told me to go sit down. I had to sit next to my brother in law and feed him a piece of food on a cocktail stick while they took photos! I was so uncomfortable and i even said no i don't want to do it, Its not islamic but everyone was saying "go on, go on". My hubby just stood there and didnt stick up for me. I got out as soon as i could. I dont think my parents in law were very happy with me. I feel disappointed my husband didnt have my back. I was so embarrased what with everyone looking at me. I know it's the culture but the whole situation seemed so backwards. Am i blowing this out of proportion. It's a big deal to me and no one else seems to understand except for one of my friends who was horrified when i told her. So my question is the above. How far do you go to please the people around you? Jazakallah.

 

[revert2007]

Assalamualikum Welcome back ​

This question was asked last sunday I believe.

Mixing with brother in-law by Sheikh Assim ​

Now back to your question,you need to please around you as long as they do not contradict Quran and sunnah.If their requirement contradicts Quran you may disobey them.For example,if your hubby asked you to not to wear hijab,then you can disobey him in this matter and you carry on wearing hijab.

When we disobey people,we need to do it with kindness because we do not want to increase sin with out rudness and people will forget what they did and will focus on our aggressive behaviour.(I am not saying that you did with rudness lol but informing myself and others about the manner of disobey.do not take me wrong).

I know life is too hard when we live with people who do not truly aware of Islam.Yet this is the test from Allah.

First of all,we must please Allah.If whatevre we do pleases ALlah,in sha Allah it will please others.Even if they are not pleased with your modest Muslim attitude,in sha ALlah they will question on the day of judgement and you are in sha ALlah on the right track.

I would suggest that you try to talk to your husband.Once you have his support,things will be much easier in sha Allah.

Allah knows the best.
Assalamualikum

 

[TipuSultan]

:salam2:

this is the problem with sub-continent muslims even I am one. they often tend to mix religion and culture.

speak to your husband and say you are not comfortable in such places and explain to him that you prefer staying back at home instead of attending the wedding.

it happens most of the time during marriages.90% I would say in India. luckily for my marriage we had 2 different sections for ladies and gents.

Shukr Allah

 

[queenislam]

~Salam to all!

Assalam Alaikam, i am a practising white revert female and my husband is bangali. My brother in law is getting married next saturday insha'allah and yesterday i went round my husbands familys house for the mendi. My brother-in laws friends were there and their wifes. At one point everyone sat in the same room mixed and i tried to stay out in the corridor with another practising girl but my father in law told me to go sit down. I had to sit next to my brother in law and feed him a piece of food on a cocktail stick while they took photos! I was so uncomfortable and i even said no i don't want to do it, Its not islamic but everyone was saying "go on, go on". My hubby just stood there and didnt stick up for me. I got out as soon as i could. I dont think my parents in law were very happy with me. I feel disappointed my husband didnt have my back. I was so embarrased what with everyone looking at me. I know it's the culture but the whole situation seemed so backwards. Am i blowing this out of proportion. It's a big deal to me and no one else seems to understand except for one of my friends who was horrified when i told her. So my question is the above. How far do you go to please the people around you? Jazakallah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:salam2:

Pleasing Allah swt is better than pleasing people!

In your situasion i see there's nothing wrong in what you are doing.
They are muslim too surely they know what's right and wrong,
And if it sin they are comitting then they have to bear it:astag:

So move on sister forget the little thing surely they don't mind it too it only play on your thought over and over again and you thought they r not happy with you infact the matter most to them is their son wedding!

Make Many istighfar!May allah swt help you e zing all the unnessary thought!

May Allah swt protect you and your love ones~Amin!

Allah swt Knows Best!

Thank you,
Take Care!

~Wassalam

 

[Kakorot]

Firstly, in Islam you have to obey your husband, but if he tells you to do things which goes against Islam, then you must not obey him because Allaah and Muhammad :saw2: come first. Secondly, you don't have to obey your in-laws because nothing in Islam says you have to serve them but you have to show them respect. So when your father in-law tells you to join mixed gatherings, then you don't have to listen to him. Politely tell him freemixing is haraam and if he still insists in you joining, then don't. Doesn't matter if he get's angry with you because Allaah will be happy with you for obeying Him.
He's your husband's father and no-one in authority or position to be angry with you, as if your his own blood daughter he brought up. He or your mother in-law shouldn't boss you around or order you to do things because they have no right to do that, especially if it goes against Islam.
InshaAllaah see this incident as a lesson, so that next time it can be avoided. Many of my bengali friends are getting married and I get invited but don't go because of the freemixing, music, gossip etc. and you have to sit next to the groom and feed him on like you said fruits or sweets on cocktail sticks and they take pictures. Best to avoid these gatherings that promote haraam. Make it clear to your family nicely that you will not attend such gatherings again because your practicing and it goes against Islam.

 

[ovomer]

oh very sad sister.
we should not observe the traditions of the nonmuslims in any occasion. this MAHNDI is hindus tradition. this is the reason we the muslims are beaten by the others. may allaah swt bless u on this act and give hadaya to all o us.
in my opinion u did a GOOD job but it would be great if u could preach them about that whole act. u should tell them that i am a new muslim and please let me know the true islam not the adopted one from the nonmuslims.
wasalam.

 

[arzafar]

perhaps your husband doesnt know that such things are haraam. you better provide him the correct knowledge.

 

[lozlg]

My husband is aware that such things are hararm but he didnt intervine because he didn't want to embarrase me or his parents infront of the guests. I will learn from this and probably stay at home next time. I feel better now and will put it and the back of my mind. Jazakallah everyone.

 

[Seeking Allah's Mercy]

:salam2:wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu...

sister the best way to tackle problems like this are to get the support of your husband.he didn't stand up for you coz he does not realise this is important,even thought he may kno all this.so let him know inshallah.focus on giving him the true picture of islam,inshallah you'll be able to get your way

i had to face the same with my parents.but everything became easy when i got them persuadedalhumudulillah now i'm excused from almost every kind of cultural rubbish.personal experience

 

[alf2]

"feed him a piece of food on a cocktail stick while they took photos!"

That is REALLY weird sister....And i cant believe your husband didnt stand up for you...Shame on him! You need to discuss it with him...

And sister if you feel uncomfortable, dont do it. If you must, LEAVE THE SITUATION ALTOGETHER!

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

My husband is aware that such things are hararm but he didnt intervine because he didn't want to embarrase me or his parents infront of the guests. I will learn from this and probably stay at home next time. I feel better now and will put it and the back of my mind. Jazakallah everyone.

:salam2:

We are to obey/please our parents or husband with the condition that what they say is allowed 'halaal'.

With due respect to your husband, he should have prevented such intermingling with your brother-in-law as it is 'haraam'. He should have given preference to 'stopping the haraam' over 'pleasing his parents'.

Perhaps you could encourage your husband to take a stand on this matters. Or else you should take that stand, even if it hurts the feelings of your in laws. Obedience to Allah subhaanaho waa taala comes foremost.

May Allah subhaanaho waa taala make it easy for you. Ameen

Wasalaamalaykum waa rahmatullahi

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Often when we are invited out we encounter those moments. The sisters and I find a corner or a room where we sit. In large establishments the staff is accomodating and will find some screen or divider.

As you have written you are a white revert. The family maybe not understand the deep level of commitment you have. They may be engaging in stereotypes thinking they are making you feel comfortable. Just have a simple discussion with your husband.

In the end his family will respect and be honored because of you.

 

[Peaceful661]

sitting with brother in law!

Sister as you say u were feeding your brother in law, There is a hadith regarding this subject, When the Holy Prophet(saws) declared hijab for women so the Sahaba asked that they mostly live in joint families so do their wives have to observe parda from their brother in law, Upon this the Holy Prophet(saws) replied,"If it is the brother in law then it is death"(Riyadhus Saliheen)(Saheeh hadith). You can please your in laws until they don't command u to induldge in any sin. The laws of Allah are more important, some scholars regard this even as shirk, if you oversee the command of Allah and give superiority to a human then surely you testify through your deeds that the human has more right to be obeyed then Allah.


Allah is the oft forgiving most merciful.

 

[queenislam]

~Salam to all!

My husband is aware that such things are hararm but he didnt intervine because he didn't want to embarrase me or his parents infront of the guests. I will learn from this and probably stay at home next time. I feel better now and will put it and the back of my mind. Jazakallah everyone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:salam2:

Alhamdulillah!

:tti_sister:May Allah swt protect and guide you sister~Amin!


Take Care!
Thank you,

~Wassalam

 

[Abdul25]

Assalam Alaikam, i am a practising white revert female and my husband is bangali. My brother in law is getting married next saturday insha'allah and yesterday i went round my husbands familys house for the mendi. My brother-in laws friends were there and their wifes. At one point everyone sat in the same room mixed and i tried to stay out in the corridor with another practising girl but my father in law told me to go sit down. I had to sit next to my brother in law and feed him a piece of food on a cocktail stick while they took photos! I was so uncomfortable and i even said no i don't want to do it, Its not islamic but everyone was saying "go on, go on". My hubby just stood there and didnt stick up for me. I got out as soon as i could. I dont think my parents in law were very happy with me. I feel disappointed my husband didnt have my back. I was so embarrased what with everyone looking at me. I know it's the culture but the whole situation seemed so backwards. Am i blowing this out of proportion. It's a big deal to me and no one else seems to understand except for one of my friends who was horrified when i told her. So my question is the above. How far do you go to please the people around you? Jazakallah.

:salam2:

Sad to hear this .this all cultural cult we have borrowed from the hindus , like mehendi, singing and dancing in marriages and free mixing and many other rubbish things that are not in Islam but we do because whole of the society is doing this rubbish, especially in south Asia. i know it looks difficult to act on that moment, but this is haram , it is not allowed, why we Muslims dont see the noble example of out Prophet SAW, how did he marry his daughters, subhanAllah.

 

[ShahnazZ]

Ughh I can totally empathize.

Everytime I try to get out of a situation where there's mixing involved, I usually just get the usual "extremist" and "self-righteous" terms thrown at me. They also like to think that I think I'm better than them and also like to use the whole "We're just as Muslim as you" argument on me. It also doesn't help that I'm also South Asian lol. But my point is, you're definitely not alone when it comes to thinking that this culture has some serious flaws.

Sister, my advice to you is to sit down with your husband and tell him what your boundaries are. Continue to respect him and his family, but do NOT compromise your deen for this culture because most of the time, it's not within Islamic limits. If anyone ever tries to argue with you, let them think what they will because in the end you're just pleasing your Creator over His Creation and it's HIS view of you that matters, no one else's.