salaam alikom
Sister, Allah forgive every sin, I know the sadness you have but remember that Allah is Great and sins are nothing in front him he can forgive any one when ever he wants but the only condition is that we repent to Allah with sincere heart.
The Prophet said "The most superior way of asking for forgiveness from Allah is: 'Allahumma anta Rabbi la ilaha illa anta, Anta Khalaqtani wa ana abduka, wa ana 'ala ahdika wa wa'dika mastata'tu, A'udhu bika min Sharri ma sana'tu, abu'u Laka bini'matika 'alaiya, wa Abu Laka bidhanbi faghfirli innahu la yaghfiru adhdhunuba illa anta." The Prophet added. "If somebody recites it during the day with firm faith in it, and dies on the same day before the evening, he will be from the people of pradise.
From Islam Q A
Praise be to Allaah.
The Muslim does not have to tell anyone of his sin, rather it is not recommended that he should do that. He should conceal his sin and not expose it. The Muslim should feel disturbed about his sin so that he will be motivated to repent sincerely. It is not sufficient for the Muslim to recognize that he has committed a sin, rather he should remember that Allaah is always watching, so that he will not do it at all. If the Shaytaan makes him fall into one of his traps, he must regret committing this sin and he has to give it up and resolve not to return to it.
In this way the Muslim will have done what Allaah requires of him, namely sincere repentance. The Muslim must not despair of the mercy of Allaah or think that He is unlikely to forgive his sin or guide him to repentance. For the Shaytaan is eager to make the Muslim fall into sin and then he is eager to close the doors of repentance in his face.
After he repents sincerely, the Muslim becomes better than he was before he committed this sin. Sincere repentance may alert him to things that he was careless about, so he gives up bad companions who help him to commit sin, and he stops travelling to immoral countries where he committed sin, and he stops watching and listening to things that Allaah has forbidden, namely singing, musical instruments and movies.
Perhaps he has been careless about these matters but the sincere repentance that Allaah has enjoined awakens him to that.
The Muslim may forget that Allaah is always watching before he commits the sin, because if he was aware of that he would not have done it. But if he had forgotten, then he should try to remember whilst he is committing the sin that Allaah can see him, and that the noble angels can see him, and that Allaah may decree that he should die whilst he is committing this sin – so how would he meet his Lord in the Hereafter?
If the Shaytaan manages to ensnare the Muslim before and during the sin, then let him remember afterwards that Allaah stretches forth His hand at night to accept the repentance of those who sinned during the day, and He stretches forth His hand during the day to accept the repentance of those who sinned at night, and that Allaah rejoices over the repentance of His slave even though He is the one Who guided him to repent and made it easy for him, and He has no need of the repentance of this person.
The Muslim must fear Allaah his Lord and regret what he has done; he must also resolve not to return to it and to do a lot of acts of worship. He must change his environment and friends, looking for something better. It is not permissible for him to mention his sin to anyone, and he should make his repentance sincerely for the sake of Allaah alone. He should also be eager to pray in congregation in the mosque and attend study circles.
We ask Allaah to help us to do that which He loves and which pleases Him, and to make it easy for us to do good.
And Allaah is the Guide to the Straight Path.
I also want to be like them but I don´t know if I will succedd in becoming an ideal muslima... sorry when I bothered you with my problems but thinking there is no one understunding me I feel lonely ... sometimes I´m in desperation..
for ur kind and comforting words.... I´m touched deeply by ur posts. Thanks for every single post u send and may will send. May Allah protect u all. Alhamdullilah that I´m between you. 
