That feeling which some understand as "LOVE" is not love. It's called attraction. Love is a very extreme form of neediness and attraction.You see only one way infront of you but infact there are many ways infront of you. Think about it. Why stress your life for someone when he doesn't care about you.
I never want to marry anyone else.
- Thread starter Shasmeen
- Start date
Sakeena
Junior Member
Asalam alaikum. Let him go sister. If he'll just leave you just like that becos his mommy told him to, then what makes you think he'll stick around years after you get married. If you did marry him, would it last? Would he have the courage to tell his parents and would they accept you? If they rejected you, he may abandon you in a blink of an eye. He won't even stand up to them and stick with you. If he was your destiny it would happen. If it's not Allah's Will, then why do you choose to make yourself miserable over someone you can't have? Why pine for someone who isn't even practicing plus he's made up his mind to marry a girl his parents' chose for him. You can't force him to be with you. There are 6 billion Muslims in the world (and counting). Find a practicing brother who will marry you and who will never leave you to please anyone. He will marry you to please Allah SWT.
Don't latch onto people. Think logically not thru ur emotions. You deserve the best of this world and the best of the next world. It sounds like he played you and was only looking for a girlfriend. He may have known all along of what his parents' expected of him. He didn't even tell you about it; giving your hopes up like that. It's unfair to you. You have to hang on to ALLAH SWT and pine for Him and not humans. Humans are not always good or perfect and they can't save you from something that displeases ALLAH SWT.
Make duaa. :tti_sister:
Don't latch onto people. Think logically not thru ur emotions. You deserve the best of this world and the best of the next world. It sounds like he played you and was only looking for a girlfriend. He may have known all along of what his parents' expected of him. He didn't even tell you about it; giving your hopes up like that. It's unfair to you. You have to hang on to ALLAH SWT and pine for Him and not humans. Humans are not always good or perfect and they can't save you from something that displeases ALLAH SWT.
Make duaa. :tti_sister:
Assalaam walaikum,
You know we need to start a little section on How to Avoid being Played by Sisters who Know the Game! InshaAllah I will write on this.
But, Sister, this should do nothing but increase your iman. You came to TTI and you have responses that all seem to say the same thing. Put your Trust in Allah and That which is with Allah subhana wa taala is Better.
Trust me on that one. You have a family here.
Hey...I am really getting good at matchmaking..should you be in the mood...let me know...InshaAllah.
I am really surprised at the number of good brothers who are looking. Just think this may be the blessing you have been looking for.
You know we need to start a little section on How to Avoid being Played by Sisters who Know the Game! InshaAllah I will write on this.
But, Sister, this should do nothing but increase your iman. You came to TTI and you have responses that all seem to say the same thing. Put your Trust in Allah and That which is with Allah subhana wa taala is Better.
Trust me on that one. You have a family here.
Hey...I am really getting good at matchmaking..should you be in the mood...let me know...InshaAllah.
I am really surprised at the number of good brothers who are looking. Just think this may be the blessing you have been looking for.
Sakeena
Junior Member
asalam alaikum. he was wrong for starting a relationship with her especially before she was Muslim and not ending it when he knew that he would marry a girl his parents chose for him. He KNEW BETTER! She didn't as she did not follow Islam at the time. She was innocent. He led her on. This happened to me. Listen honey, in those cultures, girls are "hand-picked" by the mothers for their sons. Now after breaking an innocent girl's heart (you), they (the guy) return to their countries to their traditional families like a "good obedient son" and do as they say (according to their culture, not Islam). There is no division or cultural or nationalistic pride in Islam!! Remember that!! We are One Ummah! Trust me, I know this. Been there, done that. They won't tell you about the arranged marriage plans in the beginning, but after you get interested in them, fall for them, get emotionally attached to them, all of a sudden, their mothers call them to come home and marry a good cultural girl, and without a second thought, they do as they are told, and they are gone in a flash. You never see them again. These people love their culture more than Islam. It doesnt matter how good of a Muslimah you are, doesn't matter how educated you are, or how modest, or how loyal you are. If ur not from their country and their culture, then ur counted out. I'm only sharing from experience, not all of them are like this, but the cultural traditional ones who love their culture more than Islam do this. It's not even worth it sister. So not worth it. Let go of him so that Allah SWT can bless you with someone better. And don't just jump at the first guy you meet. Don't go for the bottom of the barrel as they say, don't settle for less either! You deserve the BEST. InshaAllah! Don't sell yourself short. This guy sounds pathetic to give up on a Precious Jewel like you. Smh! He's not worth your tears or your affection or your genuine love or concern. Move on, Honey!
kashif_nazeer
~~~Alhamdulillah~~~
:salam2:
Sister,you said you prayed istikhara,well Allah eases us i that which is good for us.Be patient my sister.A Muslim's faith is not complete unless they believe that whatever befalls him could not have missed him and whatever misses him could not have befallen him.
This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?
The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.
So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.
“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]
Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome
An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.
Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.
Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.
Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.
These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).
The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.
As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.
Step 3: Be proactive
Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.
Step 4: Move on
In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:
“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]
Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.
Sister,you said you prayed istikhara,well Allah eases us i that which is good for us.Be patient my sister.A Muslim's faith is not complete unless they believe that whatever befalls him could not have missed him and whatever misses him could not have befallen him.
This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?
The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.
So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.
“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]
Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome
An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.
Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.
Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.
Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.
These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).
The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.
As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.
Step 3: Be proactive
Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.
Step 4: Move on
In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:
“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]
Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.
Aisya al-Humaira
الحمدلله على كل حال
Assalamua'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh,
Sister Shasmeen, I wish you the best in your efforts to strengthen your relationship with Allaah subhanahu wa Ta'ala, Ameen.
I have nothing to add as others have given you sincere responses. Just want to say, brother Kashif Nazeer has posted a great post, Mashaa Allaah. BarakaAllaahu feehu. Ponder over his words and don't give up making dua'a to Allaah that may He grant you the best in the world and the Hereafter, Ameen.
Sister Shasmeen, I wish you the best in your efforts to strengthen your relationship with Allaah subhanahu wa Ta'ala, Ameen.
I have nothing to add as others have given you sincere responses. Just want to say, brother Kashif Nazeer has posted a great post, Mashaa Allaah. BarakaAllaahu feehu. Ponder over his words and don't give up making dua'a to Allaah that may He grant you the best in the world and the Hereafter, Ameen.
*pink niqaabi*
Junior Member
Assalaamu alaikum,
I think we are all missing a VERY IMPORTANT point here!!
Forget about the whole situation and look at this brother.
You gave the impression he's not practicing.
If what you mean by this is that he does not pray, then you cannot marry him anyway because according to the stronger scholary opinion, the one who does not pray is a disbeliever and not considered a Muslim. And Muslim women are only permitted to marry Muslim men.
Secondly, if he's just the "i pray 5 times a day" Muslim and doesn't do anything else, WHY WOULD you want to marry him? The first thing you must look for in a spouse is their adherance to the deen, if they are not strong in the deen and righteous, you should not even be considering them as marriage material.
And say you did marry him, how would your kids turn out?? Non-practicing like him? What guarantee do you have that he will start practicing even if he does marry you?
And being a revert, hows he gunna teach you islam and help support you? You may end up going backwards and adopting his ways.
This love you have for him is a jahilliyah love which you need to rid yourself from because you don't even love him for the right reasons.
This may be Allah testing you through him wa Allahu alim. You don't need him.
May Allah grant you a pious, righteous husband who pleases Allah (and who has a nice beard) ameen.
I think we are all missing a VERY IMPORTANT point here!!
Forget about the whole situation and look at this brother.
You gave the impression he's not practicing.
If what you mean by this is that he does not pray, then you cannot marry him anyway because according to the stronger scholary opinion, the one who does not pray is a disbeliever and not considered a Muslim. And Muslim women are only permitted to marry Muslim men.
Secondly, if he's just the "i pray 5 times a day" Muslim and doesn't do anything else, WHY WOULD you want to marry him? The first thing you must look for in a spouse is their adherance to the deen, if they are not strong in the deen and righteous, you should not even be considering them as marriage material.
And say you did marry him, how would your kids turn out?? Non-practicing like him? What guarantee do you have that he will start practicing even if he does marry you?
And being a revert, hows he gunna teach you islam and help support you? You may end up going backwards and adopting his ways.
This love you have for him is a jahilliyah love which you need to rid yourself from because you don't even love him for the right reasons.
This may be Allah testing you through him wa Allahu alim. You don't need him.
May Allah grant you a pious, righteous husband who pleases Allah (and who has a nice beard) ameen.
Mairo
Maryama
:salam2: sister,
Very good advices from the other brothers and sisters already. Just to add - take your time with this, there is no reason why you should feel obligated to entertain other marriage proposals right at the moment. But at some point you will need to move on, please be sure not to close up your heart to what Allah really has in store for you. Allah knows what is best for you, now and in the next life, you can trust in that. And believe me, although you may not believe it now, it is possible to be in love more than once in a lifetime! And the best is when it is in within the religion of Islam and the bounds of marriage. Have courage and don't give up. Wishing you the best.
Very good advices from the other brothers and sisters already. Just to add - take your time with this, there is no reason why you should feel obligated to entertain other marriage proposals right at the moment. But at some point you will need to move on, please be sure not to close up your heart to what Allah really has in store for you. Allah knows what is best for you, now and in the next life, you can trust in that. And believe me, although you may not believe it now, it is possible to be in love more than once in a lifetime! And the best is when it is in within the religion of Islam and the bounds of marriage. Have courage and don't give up. Wishing you the best.
Shasmeen
Junior Member
Salaam everyone
I haven't been getting notifications for the post anymore, but moving along swiftly...
Very good advice brother Kashif Nazeer and sister pink naqaabi. And I agree with them all.
In short: reading these posts made me realize a few things. yes I was infatuated and blinded by "love". Now I really don't see a future for us unless he changes. Allah put obstacles in our way for a reason. I also agree it would take some time to forget those feelings, but I’m proud to say that I haven’t been pondering on them.
As much as I have loved (past tense) him, I love my soul more. I have accepted everything happens by the will of Allah. “but perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing that is bad for you; and ALLAH knows while you know not” I find so much peace in this. And I read my Quran and find comfort that Allah only has my best interest at heart.
Now I just pray to Allah that he turns his heart back to Islam, inshallah.. Now I just love him for the sake of Allah. :tti_sister:
With regards to finding someone all I pray for now is one day when the time is right, Allah to send me a pious husband, inshallah. No rush, but at least I’m open to the idea. And I’m not willing to be a second wife. I deserve to be the one and only.
Yes, yes, yes I know Muslim men are allowed four… But I have such a colourful personality my future husband will feel like he has married four.
Jazakhallah khair for all the advise.
I haven't been getting notifications for the post anymore, but moving along swiftly...
Very good advice brother Kashif Nazeer and sister pink naqaabi. And I agree with them all.
In short: reading these posts made me realize a few things. yes I was infatuated and blinded by "love". Now I really don't see a future for us unless he changes. Allah put obstacles in our way for a reason. I also agree it would take some time to forget those feelings, but I’m proud to say that I haven’t been pondering on them.
As much as I have loved (past tense) him, I love my soul more. I have accepted everything happens by the will of Allah. “but perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing that is bad for you; and ALLAH knows while you know not” I find so much peace in this. And I read my Quran and find comfort that Allah only has my best interest at heart.
Now I just pray to Allah that he turns his heart back to Islam, inshallah.. Now I just love him for the sake of Allah. :tti_sister:
With regards to finding someone all I pray for now is one day when the time is right, Allah to send me a pious husband, inshallah. No rush, but at least I’m open to the idea. And I’m not willing to be a second wife. I deserve to be the one and only.
Yes, yes, yes I know Muslim men are allowed four… But I have such a colourful personality my future husband will feel like he has married four.
Jazakhallah khair for all the advise.
Min-Fadhli-Rabii
Junior Member
Masha'Allah sister Shamseen, your decision is a guidance from Allah.