Marriage: Arranged marriages and personal choices

[kayleigh]

So maybe the love you marry for isn't the same as "true love" that comes in time with marriage. I just absolutely disagree with people who say that if you marry for love (or what you think is love) then it's absolutely doomed and it's not going to be successful. Like I said, look back a few generations in the West. Most peoples grandparents or great-grandparents never got a divorce, but their marriages weren't arranged and they married for what they thought to be love.

Divorce rates aren't high because people aren't getting arranged marriages. If that were the reason, you should have had higher divorce rates in the past, though probably not AS high as they are now because it wasn't as socially acceptable to get a divorce. Divorce rates are high for a combination of social factors.

You just simply cannot make the statement that those who marry for "love" will not be happy or will have a marriage that ends in divorce. That is just not true. I'm not saying anyone said that specifically in this thread, but that's the whole point I was trying to get to in all my previous posts in this thread and it's something I've heard from other Muslims before and it's just ridiculous since I think most people in the West could cite at least a few examples of couples they know who have been together 30, 40, 50+ years and who are totally happy and married for "love".

Marriage is about more than love and a successful marriage takes a lot more than love, but some people seem to think that "love" ruins it and that's simply NOT true.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Let us be careful and not arrogant. Even in Islam there is divorce; and the rate is climibing.
There is a beautiful phrase I will borrow : it is in giving that you receive
Marriage is about giving and givging and giving...being a wife is the prelude to being a mother.
Here is one to get you guys going: women give more thanmen

 

[DOC_BRO]

1st of all to love marriage are not practices in Islam
See no one can gaurantee that love marriage is good beacuse people fall in love with each other and they will love each other, infact I have seen many divorces of people who had love marriages. The thing is as time goes by people think that its no so 'cool' to get married to a stranger hence love marriage is cool and that is becoming more wide spread in muslims also specially in west where I see most of the muslim guys n girls "The
cool muslims" they date each other and say well we need to know if i really love her or not and infact i have seen so called muslim moms asking there sons to date.(they are just muslims for sake they have deeply adopted western culture even thoug they are from a muslim country they dont want their kids to be called DESI very strange to hear this but its true).
See if u like someone let ur elders know and her family know. Then the girl and boy can meet in front of some elders like sister or brother or some mahram and talk if things work out should go ahead and get married. But in Islam there is nothing like engagment even if the couple are earning and ready to start a family they still keep the enagements for monts if not months.
I will tell u my cousins example and mines both are differnt but very true to life
He liked this girl (now his wife) she wore hijab and shewas and is really a very good practicing muslim they studied at the same place and they used to talk to each other and one day my cousin asked her that 'i am intrested in marrying you' she said 'i am too but u have to talk to my parents she gave the number and said now dont call me unless u talk to my parents', so my cousin called his uncle as his parents live in india so they talked to their parents but her parents dint agree 1st as due to some visa satus reason but she told her parents ' i do respect u but i am not going to marry someone else besided him and she also assured them that she wont see him unless both the sides aggreed. And after few days all agreed and marriage. They tried their best to be in the Islamic code. They did fall in love which does fall outisde Islam but they maintained the rules and did try to correct it but nothing haram.MashaAllah everything is fine now they have a 3 yr old son.
Now arranged marriage...
If I tell u my story I saw my wife 2 days before marriage for 40 minutes of so with my parents and her mon we just spoke to each other in the car that all.
I just saw her in pictures.I met her mother when i went to india from EU and then few days later she called me and we spoke for the 1st time and we started to chat.though i never chated with any female before that.I told her that these are the rules i dont care what u are or were but after marriage I want u to follow everything islamically i wont force,i told her my thoughts and she told hers. She was much westernised then. I was reluctant to webcam chat. I didnt wanted anything like engagement.I wanted everything to go Islamically because that will bring the BARAKAH in all the realtionship. So after 1 month she told that she want to marry as i didnt had that courage but I could tell that to my parents she took all the initiative and after 7 months we got married as i had to wait for the summer vacation. But MashaAllah Allah made our love grow more. even though we were strangers Allah bestowed his barakah and now she is better practing muslim than i am she started wearing hijab on her own and we have a 3 yr old daughter.
I knw when i went to EU and told my professor that i got married they asked where did u meet her date her and all sort of question i told i just spoke to her on phn and chat for 6 mnt and saw her just 2 days before marriage they were shocked and told me how can u do it to urself ur crazy and what not but I told them that my religion doesnt allow all that u mentioned and asked her one question that here boys and girls know each other serveral yrs or months before marriage and all sorts of relation love each other and have a love marriage but ultimately what happens u and me both know so does that give u any gaurantee that loving a person or falling in love or dating or else is important to keep the marriage strong and lasting?? she couldnt reply.
So we cant say or be sure but leave everything to Allah and let him guide u if ur so much concerned about the arranged marriage do "Isthekhara" thats the best choice and if u cant do it ask someone to as i cant remember dreams my mother did and my sister they both saw white snow and a spring and sort of. I also believed that if my parents want and they think that this girl is good for me and by obeying them i will please Allah so eventually from the Istekhara till now we have tried our best to keep the straight path and Alhumdolilah Allah is also helping us tremendously.
But as someone said earlier " i dont care" love marriage is good" and else that is really rebelous and i do see some people just giving their personal thoughts , but sorry thats not good even if v dont like we have to stick to the islamic teachings because Shaitan will try to deceive and convince us that we think is right.
And about divorce thing is that anger is the main cause and second is forgiveness. If the husband is angry wife should maintain calm and vice versa and even if there are some misunderstandings just clear it later in a polite way and if anyone goes over board try to forgive each other if we take the grudge with us the realtion will never work and to maintain a realtionship is hard but to brake is very easy and trust me if we keep on forgiving others we will feel must better instead of the revenge or grudge we keep in. We just have to remind ourselves that we do so many sins every day yet Allah forgiges us and give us all that we ask for than who are we to not forgive some other human being and keep that enmity in our hearts we are not superior than Allah. I very understand that why Allah dislikes divorce and one of the reasons as being a dr i know it makes a tremendous effect on mind and heart of the person because later on they realise thier mistake.
Well this is what I have experienced and Allah has been so kind to me Alhumdolilah I dont have words to express and praise his blessings.
And remember even if v live in west v dont have to be "cool" thinking and by thinking Islamically it doesnt make us outdate or conservative infact i am young too I like lot of stuff here but I grab what Islam permits for there are temtations and our duty is to fight them that the biggegt J...d.
May Allah give us wisdom and show us the light to walk on the 'siratal mustakeem' Aameen.

The most wonderfull heart, is the heart that fear Allah.
The most beautiful words are The Words of Allah.
The Purest love is The Love for Allah.

 

[maryiam]

:salam2:

That was nice brother, If I didn't get married to my husband i would of gotten a arranged marriage, my parents would defendly disown me if i did.
suhanna allah, my parents excepted me, even though converted into islam.


maryiam