ImanFaith86
Member
Bismillahi al Rahman al raheem,
I have an issue I have been struggling with somewhat. I met a guy at my work place 4 years ago and he was interested in me for marriage. I held off because I didn't feel "ready" at the time but he kept perusing me until my walls broke down and I let him in. I was young and scared and unaware of what marriage was and what to expect. I fell in love with him and he did with me. He wanted to be married straight away, but he was Pakistani and I am Arab so I delayed introducing him to my family. After 3 months I did tell my mother and we planned to work towards marriage. However he went back to university to finish his studies so that he would look more favourable to my father (he went from college straight to work) and so we ended up in a relationship for 3 years. He hated that more than me because He feared Allah and couldn't wait to finish his studies so that he can come to propose properly. He was and still is a wonderful man, practising, lowered his gaze, was patient with me, kind, forgiving, the perfect partner. But my own fears and insecurities couldn't look past that. I had issues with my father as he was very religious and got scared that he would become controlling like my father. Although I am practising, I felt I was less so than him (I listened to music, had a few male friends) and he was totally against that. He wouldn't let me have music at the wedding even though it was to be a segregated event. So for me these "issues" were magnified and we argued endlessly over them, but even throughout this he still wanted to marry me and was willing to compromise. My fears got the better of me and we decided to split up. He however was constantly messaging me, telling me to try and make this work for a whole year after we ended it. We never met up, this was all via emails. We discussed our options and I felt some hope that we could overcome these minor issues. However, he then dropped it into a conversation once that he was getting to know someone from abroad and was flying out to meet her. I was so angry and confused that he could be reeling me in again only to find out he was possibly getting to someone else. I decided there and then to end all ties with him. Within 3 weeks he messaged me to let me know he was engaged.
I was and am absolutely heartbroken. I feel a lot of regret that I let worldly desires get the better of me when I had the perfect man all along. I am constantly blaming myself for this and wishing that I could have done something different. It makes me sick to think he will treat his fiancé like he did me and even better and I feel so lost. I just don't know why he felt the need to keep a hold of me while he found a replacement that suited his needs better. And even through this I still blame myself and feel that I don't deserve him because I wasn't "religious" enough. I know this is through the will of Allah but I kept help but remember the verse "4:79 - "Whatever reaches to you of good, is from Allah, but whatever befalls you of evil, is from yourself." So I feel this is my fault. I have tried to ask for him back and to forgive me but he says he has moved on and to let him be. I'm heartbroken and feel I've missed my chance, and scared that Allah will hold it against me because I was not as religious as him and will never meet someone like him again. I have repented and turned to Allah for my own sake but any advice is most welcome.
I have an issue I have been struggling with somewhat. I met a guy at my work place 4 years ago and he was interested in me for marriage. I held off because I didn't feel "ready" at the time but he kept perusing me until my walls broke down and I let him in. I was young and scared and unaware of what marriage was and what to expect. I fell in love with him and he did with me. He wanted to be married straight away, but he was Pakistani and I am Arab so I delayed introducing him to my family. After 3 months I did tell my mother and we planned to work towards marriage. However he went back to university to finish his studies so that he would look more favourable to my father (he went from college straight to work) and so we ended up in a relationship for 3 years. He hated that more than me because He feared Allah and couldn't wait to finish his studies so that he can come to propose properly. He was and still is a wonderful man, practising, lowered his gaze, was patient with me, kind, forgiving, the perfect partner. But my own fears and insecurities couldn't look past that. I had issues with my father as he was very religious and got scared that he would become controlling like my father. Although I am practising, I felt I was less so than him (I listened to music, had a few male friends) and he was totally against that. He wouldn't let me have music at the wedding even though it was to be a segregated event. So for me these "issues" were magnified and we argued endlessly over them, but even throughout this he still wanted to marry me and was willing to compromise. My fears got the better of me and we decided to split up. He however was constantly messaging me, telling me to try and make this work for a whole year after we ended it. We never met up, this was all via emails. We discussed our options and I felt some hope that we could overcome these minor issues. However, he then dropped it into a conversation once that he was getting to know someone from abroad and was flying out to meet her. I was so angry and confused that he could be reeling me in again only to find out he was possibly getting to someone else. I decided there and then to end all ties with him. Within 3 weeks he messaged me to let me know he was engaged.
I was and am absolutely heartbroken. I feel a lot of regret that I let worldly desires get the better of me when I had the perfect man all along. I am constantly blaming myself for this and wishing that I could have done something different. It makes me sick to think he will treat his fiancé like he did me and even better and I feel so lost. I just don't know why he felt the need to keep a hold of me while he found a replacement that suited his needs better. And even through this I still blame myself and feel that I don't deserve him because I wasn't "religious" enough. I know this is through the will of Allah but I kept help but remember the verse "4:79 - "Whatever reaches to you of good, is from Allah, but whatever befalls you of evil, is from yourself." So I feel this is my fault. I have tried to ask for him back and to forgive me but he says he has moved on and to let him be. I'm heartbroken and feel I've missed my chance, and scared that Allah will hold it against me because I was not as religious as him and will never meet someone like him again. I have repented and turned to Allah for my own sake but any advice is most welcome.
, Thats why they are discouraged in Islam. These feeling of guilt and sorrow will make one less of a human and insensitive. Bad things happen in life, but one should move on and dedicate this place(heart) only for Allah. May Allah heal all the hearts suffering from grief , because He only has the power to do it.
